Suddenly a Mommy!

stormspirit · 04-20-2004, 06:19 PM

I cannot even begin to explain the rush of different emotions I am feeling right now. Two weeks ago DH and I found out from a friend of ours that his sister was being forced by DFACS (Family and Children Services) to either put her unborn child up for adoption or it would be taken by DFACS and placed in foster care and adopted out through them. DH and I know the family personally, and DH is even related to them through marriage. To make a long story short we are in the process of adopting this child, who was born April 17th. She is in our custody now and we brought her home from the hospital yesterday. I can't get over the amount of emotions I am feeling right now. In two weeks time we are suddenly Mommy and Daddy. We scrambled to get the necessary stuff to care for a baby, and this has probably been the most exciting two weeks of our life. Now we have the baby home and I guess it has suddenly hit me. All of a sudden I'm freaking out. One of the nurses at the hospital warned me that when we got home things might hit us like bricks, and that just because I didn’t give birth didn’t mean I wouldn’t experience the postpartum depression issue…but it’s only been one day!! I don’t really know why I’m posting this, I guess just to see if anyone else out there who adopted had these strange feelings when the baby got home. I’m beginning to feel a little guilty about it. I just don’t understand.

Leigh Ann

dna · 04-20-2004, 06:32 PM

Congrats Leigh Ann on your new daughter !

How exciting !

stormspirit · 04-20-2004, 06:47 PM

Yes, her first daughter was taken away and her mother ended up adopting her, but due to health problems she couldn't handle another child so there was no other option. This girls has just made alot of bad decision and it's cost her a great deal. I think that's one of the things I'm freaking out about is the fact that this isn't just an open adoption, we are friends with this family. There are going to be so many bridges to cross in the future.

It just blew my mind though how easy it was for this girl to sign the baby over to us. Like there was no emotion there at all. I'm just at a loss. I feel so sorry for her one minute and then the next I can't believe how she could do something like this.

I'm sure as things begin to die down and become routine these crazy feelings will go away. I guess I just needed vent some.

lots_of_dots · 04-20-2004, 07:15 PM

((((hugs Leigh Ann))))

First I want to say how truly happy I am for you and your dh. I really think you need to give yourself a break. Instead of having 9 months to prepare for a child, you've only had two weeks! It is totally normal to have emotions that are all over the place when you are faced with such a huge life change in such a short time. You ARE going to make it through this ~ I have faith in you!! Take some time, relax and enjoy your little one. Good Luck!!

((((more hugs))))

spookycyster · 04-20-2004, 07:50 PM

First of all, congratulations on your new baby! How exciting for you guys!

I don't think that it was in reality easy for the bm to sign her parental rights away. She may have seemed indifferent, but it may be that acting like she didn't care was a way of self preservation, KWIM? Ds's bm didn't seek any prenatal care and I know that for her, it was because she was trying to deny that she was pregnant. Maybe Jessica's bm is acting this way because inside her heart really is breaking.

I'm not sure if that came out right or not. I just think that for most bms, it hurts to make an adoption plan for their child. That if circumstances were different, that child would not be placed for adoption at all, but would be with the bps. I'm sure there are some bms who really and truly don't care about their child and glady sign over their parental rights, but I think that's a minority.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I felt so guilty when we were at the hospital and the bm placed ds into my arms for the first time. Here it's the happiest day of my life and probably the saddest day of hers. What a difference of emotions in the two of us! I'm sure that she still hurts about her decision, but she was adamant that her child be in a two parent home, with parents who will love him. She couldn't provide the two parent home, even though she loved him so much that she chose to give him life. Love just wasn't going to be enough for her to make it on her own with ds, so she made the choice to make an adoption plan for him.

Hang in there....I think what you are feeling is completely normal. You went from being a couple to being a family overnight. It's freaky when that happens. You don't know what to think and you're so sleep deprived and so happy and so amazed all at the same time. I had 24 hours to prepare for ds's arrival! And I was 500 miles away at the time, had to be home by 8:30 the next morning to meet the bm. Factor in that dh was deployed and not going to be able to be home when ds came home and that I had the most awful flu and you have a whole heap of crazy emotions. You are justified in your feelings, crazy as they may seem!

Best of luck to you! I hope everything goes smoothly for you guys!

BBloves · 04-21-2004, 12:37 AM

this is the baby you referred to a few posts down that may have been addicted to drugs....................i am so happy for you that you made the decision to take the baby. you probably feel the same overwhelming feeling most new mothers feel not to mention a whole bunch of other mixed feelings that alot of us go thru. don't worry, your normal, it will pass.

as far as the birth mother. my opinion is that not ALL birth mothers feel an attachment. WE here on soulcysters are all loving caring mothers and couldn't think about it any other way, but the truth is there are women who are pregnant and give birth that just don't have motherly feelings or bonds. she may or may not have been covering up her sadness. there are mothers out there who just don't care, thus, why so many children and babies are sadly neglected and abused.

i believe you saved this baby from who knows what kind of life, it may have been good, but it may have been bad, and now its going to be good for sure thanks to you and your husband. try to put the guilt and grief behind you and celebrate!!! the wonderful child you now have.

CONGRATULATIONS MOM!!!

love, stefie

stormspirit · 04-21-2004, 10:35 AM

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I feel much better today. I was so prepared for a baby and have tried so hard to get pregnant, I just wasn't prepared for how overwhelming it would all be. And, I don't really mean the sleep deprivation and things like that. I mean the rush of love for this child I didn't give birth to, the sadness for the bm and her family and the reactions of my family. It has been a truely wonderful experience for us, but a sad one for the bm's family.

As far as the birth mother goes, I know that she loves this child and she loves her older daughter. But, it's like BBloves said, she just doesn't have that normal mother/child bond. Even her mother said that there is something wrong with her mentally. She has no concience. She even laced her mother's diabetic meds with cocaine and meth. And for what reason?? The only reason her mother found out is because she was complaining to her doctor about how wired she felt and how she couldn't sleep. Knowing the situation the doctor got suspicious and asked her to take a drug test and see if that's what it was. With all of the medical problems and medication that this woman is on she could have had heart attack. But the bm denies doing anything even though she knows her mother failed the drug test.

Anyway, I didn't mean to babble so much. We are truely blessed and are thrilled to death.

Leigh Ann