tell me when the pain will go away....

sammykins · 10-03-2009, 04:44 AM

i found out today my baby is no longer alive. i don't know what to do. i am having a d/c on monday. my heart hurts so bad.
need advice please

dstaiger · 10-03-2009, 06:59 PM

i'm so sorry. i dont think the pain ever goes away. i lost isaac in april and it's still terrible. but every day get a little easier to get out of bed.
just be good to yourself now. cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell. its devastating and its not fair. take things at your own speed. i rushed back to ttc thinking it would help, it didn't. if you can afford it, take some time off of work, the next few weeks are gonna be really hard. getting the autopsy report was the hardest for me.
please come back when you need to talk.

sammykins · 10-03-2009, 09:16 PM

thank you for your kind words. it does help to hear from those who have been through it

amorvincit105 · 10-03-2009, 09:23 PM

ive never been through this, but I am so sorry for your loss.. i could never have the right words for you..sorry

tammy25 · 10-03-2009, 10:36 PM

I lost my little girl in Jan it is hard at first but it does get easier i had a good supportive family and friends you are in my thoughts take care

sammykins · 10-04-2009, 10:01 AM

its so crazy because i had just started feeling good, was comfortable with people knowing, because i was in the 2nd trimester. just devistating.....i don't understand

dstaiger · 10-04-2009, 10:37 AM

for me, at first, it was just surviving. i'm told understanding will come later. it's nearly 6 months and i still dont understand. it changed me, changed the person that i was into who i am today.
i'm not overly religious but i used to go to church (almost) every sunday. it upset me so much when people would say it's god's plan for me. why would god kill my baby? i haven't been to church since.
are you having a d&c or are you delivering? i was ptl so i got to hold him. i'd like to say that i said good bye, but really i lost my breath and said nothing at all. but it was holding him that made it real. it didn't provide any closure. but even though that moment was terrible i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. i held his tiny body in my hands i knew he was real. later when friends acted like he never existed, like i was never pregnant at all, having that horrible memory burned into my mind somehow helped me feel sane.
i guess what i'm trying to say is it's so important to deal with it, not just put it behind you. you are a mommy, and your baby did die. packing up your maternity clothes and sending them away doesn't send away your feelings too.

TDoern · 10-04-2009, 10:31 PM

Sammy - *hugs*

for me, I don't think the pain is ever gone. I think it just goes from a fresh wound to a constant ache, at least for me it has. We lost our Christopher at 22 weeks on July 4th.

I didn't want to tell anyone until the second trimester - hubby said he couldn't hold it in, so we told everyone. When I cleared the first trimester I was still in disbelief, after 8 years of trying we were going to have a baby.

When I hit 20 weeks I figured nothing could go wrong, I was half way through the pregnancy. I started dreaming of the nursery, putting the due date, and weeks left on all our calendars. Had friends asking about doing a baby shower.

Then it all came crashing down due to incompetent cervix.

Everyone had something to say. I heard all sorts of hurtful things, by people who only meant the best. "At least you can get pregnant now", "At least it wasn't a child", "There's always next time", "at least you didn't know your baby".

It doesn't matter how many days or weeks you are. Your baby was your baby, your child. For me, I had dreams for this baby from the moment I saw the BFP - the BFP I thought was never coming. From the moment I saw that + I was amazed, and already in love with our son.

Some people suggested sleeping meds to help me sleep, some people suggested anti-depression meds, some people suggested just moving on. I know me, I had to face the pain, I had to deal with it or I never would. It would be so easy to take medications to forget, or keep me from remembering. I know that we have to go through grief, we have to deal with it, because you lost something so precious.

Christopher will always be our first baby. He will always be my baby boy. I am always going to love him, always going to miss him. At the same time I know that there is a reason for these things. I will never understand that reason, and probably never comprehend why God would take my baby straight to His arms. At the same time, I have the knowledge of knowing that God has promised I'll see my baby one day. One day I will see our Christopher's eyes and know what color they are, and one day I'll be able to wrap my arms around him.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, the hardest thing I've ever felt. I've lost loved ones before, but all of those people had the chance to live, Christopher never did. I can understand living your life and dying, but not dying before you had a chance to live.

So I miss him. So I grieve. So I mourn what was lost. There are still days where I can't look any farther than the next breath of air. I can't look any farther than getting to the next minute. Then there are days when I hope and pray that I can give our Chris a little sibling. I know that he wouldn't want us to stop wanting and trying to bring a baby into this world because we lost him. There are moments when I remember the dreams I had about chalupa's from Taco Bell and know that he was mine, he was a part of me, he still is.

I don't think the pain ever disappears, but I wouldn't want it to. I want the world to know that my Christopher was here, I want the world to know that he changed my life for the short time he was here. I don't want the pain to go away because I don't want to forget him.

The days do get easier to make it through. There will be a day when you really laugh again and it surprises you.

Don't forget to talk about this, and give and get comfort from your husband/significant other. It's so easy for me to pull away and internalize pain, but I knew I had to be there for my hubby and let him be there for me. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, and I wish I could have had all his pain and saved him from it. At the same time, if there was anyone I would want to go through this with, it would be my husband. We grew closer through this loss because we sought each other, and God.

I was so worried for a long time that this was God's way of telling me I wasn't meant to be a mommy. Then I realized He wouldn't do it that way. I believe that for whatever reason Christopher was meant to leave us this soon. I think that God wasn't saying 'no' or 'never' to having a baby. God was just saying 'wait' or 'not right now'.

Feel free to PM me any time. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I hope I don't sound preachy, or too lengthy I just type what I feel at the time.

*hugs*

sammykins · 10-06-2009, 11:41 AM

i had my d & c yesterday. for the most part it was successful (for lack of a better word for it). i am glad i chose a d/c over going into labor. they felt it was more risky to do a d c because i was further along, so they let me choose. most hurtful is they could not tell me if my angel baby was a boy or girl.

dstaiger · 10-06-2009, 12:22 PM

you must be devastated.

i'm glad that at least the d&c is over. the last few days must have been terrible for you. i cant imagine what you went thru being able to touch your belly and know your child was there but couldn't be saved. i guess in a way i was lucky. i had no problems before i went into labor. there were 6 terrible hours knowing i couldn't save him but then it was over. i only held his body for a few minutes, that you spent days is a testament to your inner strength, even if it feels like its abandoned you.

are your drs doing tests to see what happened to your baby? any tests they run to see if there was a genetic problem should tell you if it was a boy or girl.

knighad · 10-06-2009, 09:18 PM

Your stories are breaking my heart. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant and found out that we have lost our baby. I will have a D&C tomorrow. I think that my pain is terrible, but I can't even begin to imagine what you all have been through. You are strong women and each of you deserves to have a perfect baby.

sammykins · 10-07-2009, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by knighad

Your stories are breaking my heart. I am currently 8 weeks pregnant and found out that we have lost our baby. I will have a D&C tomorrow. I think that my pain is terrible, but I can't even begin to imagine what you all have been through. You are strong women and each of you deserves to have a perfect baby.

knighad-so sorry to hear this. my thoughts are with you

desp4him · 10-08-2009, 01:10 AM

I am so sorry for all of your losses. I cry just reading of your pain and what you've all been through. I have never been pregnant so I don't truly know what you have felt. My prayers are for all of you.

dstaiger · 10-09-2009, 12:50 PM

i just wanted to say i'm thinking of you. hope today isn't too bad.

JustMe26 · 10-09-2009, 02:26 PM

I wanted to add that the pain never goes away, it only gets easier to bear. My one living child is almost 6 months old. Sometimes when I look at her, I will start to cry because I could have had 3 other children in addition to her by now. My husband finally gets it. He never cried for the other babies until he held Ainsley in his arms. He finally understands what we lost.