Thank you all...

ReneeBeth · 05-24-2005, 11:01 PM

..for all the kind words. I can't reply to everyone, but I did want everyone to know I read everything and it means a lot to me.
Today was my 24th birthday. We buried Ari today. Just my mom and I went. The same woman from the funeral home that was there last time was there today. She rememebered me.
Ari was buried right next to Daniel. Jewish custom is to place the headstone a year after someone dies. So in October, Daniel's stone will be placed. I took some pictures this time. My brother got a disposable camera when Ari was born, so I could get some more pics of him. So I used that to take some pictures at the burial. They really have a nice spot there. But it's on a hill, and yeah...it just rained, so while taking pictures, I did end up slipping and getting muddy. But it's ok.
You're not supposed to place flowers, or anything that dies, at a gravesite (Jewish thing), but i wanted to leave something. So I found 2 quaters. One 2004, one 2005, and placed them next to their current gravemarkers. Usually you place stones on a Jewish grave, but I thought quaters would be ok since they don't die and should last as long as a stone would.
I couldn't believe I was standing there again. I was looking down at the final resting place of both of my sons. I just..couldn't believe I was really there.
My dad is begging me to think of today as my rebirth. I can start my life over, and have a better life than I had before. He says I'll find someone who really loves me, and I will be able to have children with this new someone. But I can't see myself with someone else. Between not knowing if my heart is capable of loving and losing anyone else, and the fact I haven't even thought of anyone else in 6 years, I don't know. How could anyone love me or want to be with me?
My dad also said that I now have to live my life for Daniel and Ari. Make sure I make them proud of me, and live the best life I can. I guess I was sounding rather suicidal, which I was, and he wanted me to think of reasons to stay. He said I'd shame my sons if I took my own life, and make them feel horrible because I killed myself because of them. I see his point. But I don't know if I can make them proud of me.
I still just want to hold them, and and never let them go. I miss them, both of them. I find myself crying alot, and for some reason saying "I'm sorry" to them. I'm not sure why I say that, but that's often what I'm thinking. I'm so sorry I couldn't save them, I'm sorry they had to die...I'm just so sorry. I guess I'm also scared. when you don't have any firm beliefs as to what happens when you die, you don't have comfort in knowing they're ok. I worry they're cold, lost, alone, scared...I just don't know. I *hope* they are together somewhere, watching over me...but I just don't know.

Anyway. Yeah, my birthday did suck. I didn't sleep at all last night. My back is just horrible (the epidural just about killed my back, and need to go to Dr. if not better soon). Went to cemetery with mom at noon. Came home, she gave me a card, some flowers, and 2 cupcakes. She's leaving tomorrow for Florida for a week. She said she wouldn't go if she didn't have to now, but I guess I don't mind her going.
I always dread my birthday, every year. I never have a good birthday. I guess having no friends to have a party with, always bums me out. My parents and brothers have a birthday, and they tons of cards and gifts from everyone...they always are like that, I've never been. Last time I got more than a few cards/gifts was my Bat Mitzvah, when I was 12. Haven't had a birthday party since then, or more than 4-6 cards/gifts. Not like i need posessions to make me happy, but getting things to show you have all those people in your life..that's what I get jelous of.
So this year, I guess I can accept not getting any cards (aside from mom) and gifts. Nobody knows what to give someone who had to bury their son on their birthday. I understand. My dad and brothers called, at least. I spent some time with my mom, so I wasn't alone all day.

I'm going on and on, I know...about nothing, really. I'm just so lost right now. I want to know how to have a good life, and to pick myself up and make this thing called "happy" happen for me. I want to find someone who loves me, who I can start a new life, and a family with. But I just can't see it happening. I have a vivid imagination, but not when it comes to that.

Anyway, thanks again for all the kind words. And I see some of you have sent cards. Haven't gotten anything yet, but I wanted to thank you all ahead of time for the cards. I can only hope I'll never have to go through this again, and never need to have to thank you for condolences.
Losing Daniel was hard, losing my husband was hard, losing Ari was hard...but I think I lost myself now...

kwannabee · 05-24-2005, 11:58 PM

Awwww Renee....you have me blubbering and sniveling over here...and i wish you could feel the big hug i'm sending to you right now.

Your dad is one great guy...you listen to him...and right now just take one day at a time.

The sun will shine again for you...one day you'll just laugh out loud and not know where it came from...and feel okay...promise! You've been through sooooooo much...just keep putting one foot in front of the other...and know that Ari and Daniel are together and they're okay...

and as for your birthday...there is no hallmark card anywhere that will show you how much people in your life care about you...soak it up where you can...and just hang in there okay cyster??

so many hugs coming your way...

kim

saluki_fan · 05-25-2005, 12:26 AM

Oh Renee...words can't say what I am thinking right now. I wish I could meet you so I could tell you how strong I think you sound to your face, or tell you happy birthday to your face. I think you are making your sons proud, the way you talk about things in your post.

(((hugs))) coming to you all the way from St Louis.

Meghan

Pamela · 05-25-2005, 12:55 AM

Renee--((((hugs))))))
I'm so sorry you had such a terrible birthday.
Please listen to your Dad. Your boys are together and they are ok now.
One day you will have everything you have dreamed of. Just take it one day at a time and you WILL make it.
Just remember that we are all here for you--always!!!!!!!
((hugs))
Pam

SheriKCMO · 05-25-2005, 01:18 AM

I want to repeat everything that the other gals have said and remind you that you do not have to appear strong or like you're handling things well right now. Take plenty of time to be lost or whatever you feel. I know I would! We'll be here to listen to anything you feel a need to write, even if you think it sounds nuts. The more we hear from you, the more we know that you're still there/okay, so we definitely appreciate your stopping by tonight.
(((Birthday Hugs)))
I'm sorry things look so bleak right now,
Sheri

Blessed is Me · 05-25-2005, 04:09 AM

Renee, I agree, your dad sounds like a great guy. I know your heart is aching & I am so sorry! I am sorry you lost your babies & also your husband & I am sorry that you had to bury your precious son on your birthday....a day you should of been able to celebrate.

I think grief counseling would be very appropriate & beneficial for you. Maybe it is something you can look in to? It is only natural to miss your babies & worry about them. ((((((((((Renee))))))))

One day you will be able to smile again & you will find the happiness you deserve when you least expect it.
Huge hugs & hope to you,
Love, Blessed

LaurAnnHere · 05-25-2005, 04:21 AM

Renee, I have thought so much about you these past few days. I wish I lived near you I'd come help you with housecleaning or something, anything. Words can not express how sorry I am that you lost Ari. This is really unfair. I know it's hard to imagine any happiness in your future right now, I pray that you will have it, and I'm sure you will. I'm glad you have family that loves you. You got friends here that care about you, too. In the dark times when you feel like you can't go on, come talk to us and we'll be here waiting. I'm up at all hours of the night, so whenever you need me I can be here. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

GabrielsMom · 05-25-2005, 09:49 AM

Renee, thanks so much for sharing what is on your mind. I agree with the others, your dad sounds like he cares about you a lot. And you will make your boys proud of you. You're young and have a long life ahead. Don't pressure yourself to do it all right away. Just take one day at a time. I know that it hurts so so much. The pain must be so unbearable. But you can get through it. And I know that someday, you can find someone who really loves you. You are worth it.

Hold on tight to your family. I only wish I could be there in person to help carry you through...

Big hugs,
Adrianne

TickledPink · 05-25-2005, 09:58 AM

Renee, I am so sorry. I wish I could take your pain away.

Don't ever forget that you ARE worth it, you are worth everything.

your angels love you, we all love you! Don't forget you are a special strong woman!

(((((hugs)))))

BB2003 · 05-25-2005, 10:14 AM

I just wanted to share my Grandma's story with you. This was back in the late 50's. She was pregnant with a little girl baby. She was married to her high school sweatheart going to college, cleaning motel rooms to make ends meet. They had a little boy, my dad, about two years old.

The little girl came and was named Kenda. She lived for 9 short months. She probably had leukemia but the dad, my grandpa, could not bear the thought of an autopsy on the precious little baby. She died suddenly so they did not know anything was wrong with her.

A few months later, her hudband is down in Texas picking up her sister. He was hit by a drunk driver. He got the car stopped and got out. He had other relatives in the car with him. He sat down and died before help could get to him. His heart had been crushed by the stearing wheel. My grandma screamed and puked when she got the call. She was devastated.

Meanwhile, she was pregnant with their third child, a daughter, when this happend. She had now lost one daughter and a husband within the same year.

This daughter she named Shelly. She was stillborn. All of this happened in a two year time span.

My grandma only had my dad to keep her going. She is a very strong person and she said she could barely drag herself out of bed. She was beyond crushed. She pulled through cause of my dad. She is the toughest woman I know.

You can make it. You can do this. You have to keep going cuase happiness could be just around the corner. You don't want to give up and miss out on an opportunity for happiness cause your head is down.

VivC · 05-25-2005, 12:19 PM

Renee, I was worried you might be suicidal - I know that I was, after losing Rivi. And you've had so much else thrown at you in the last 8 months. Thank you for letting us know you're doing as well as can be expected.

I think you're incredibly strong to stand up under all of this. I think you're incredibly strong to have held on after losing your boys. And I think they're very impressed with their Mommy's strength. I KNOW they must be proud of you for going on.

As far as not knowing what happens when we die, I have a lot of faith in Heaven. But, even logically, I can't believe that the spark that makes a person who they are can just disappear. It has to go somewhere. Your babies live on somewhere, and they will be happy to see you when you go there, too (as long as you don't do it too soon).

Take care of yourself, and please check in from time to time to let us know you're still holding on, okay? If we don't hear from you for awhile, I'll hunt you down.

Love,

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 05-25-2005, 01:29 PM

Renee, I agree with your Dad 100%. We all leave at our assigned time. The suicidal feelings are quite normal. I remember that feeling of not wanting to live with out my baby. I just wanted to be wherever she was. I didn't want to leave her alone. I now realize she's not alone, now she has her little brother and the cat. I know my Grandmother's are making a big fuss over them and they will be waiting for me, when my time comes.

Gina

powerpuff · 05-25-2005, 02:24 PM

(((((Renee)))))

After I delivered my baby girl I was given an hour to hold her and said goodbye. I remember I couldn't stop saying sorry to her. I felt that it was all my fault that my stupid body couldn't keep her in while she was perfect and healthy. It is normal to have that sense of guilt, but I want to remind you that it is definitely not your fault that you couldn't save them. If Daniel and Ari are watching over you from above, you don't want them to see Mommy blaming herself so bad, do you? That 's what I tell myself when I hold back my tears whenever I think of my baby girl--I don't want her to see Mommy crying. I want her to feel okay to go and be happy "up there"--whatever that world is.

And yes it is so difficult (or should I say impossible) to let go. It's been almost 2 years since my loss and I still wish she were here. It's okay to be gloomy--you don't have to be strong. Take it one day at a time and I promise it WILL get better. It sounds like you have great family there for you. And don't forget you have your cysters. I'm not good at comforting people but I want you to know that we are all your friends and are always here to listen and give support. (((((HUGS)))))

*Clarissa* · 05-25-2005, 04:51 PM

Renee, I still don't have any words that seem right or good enough. Yes, i have had two losses, but I did not have to feel my babies move in me, see them born, or have to bury them. So I cannot say I know how you feel or what you are going through, because I just cannot fathom it. I don't know why all this has happened to you. Why you were chosen to suffer like this. It is so unfair.

I think your dad is very wise. He had some really great words of wisdom for you.

And any time you want to ramble, even if it seems like it's about nothing, we are always here to listen.

stillhavehope · 05-25-2005, 06:49 PM

Renee ~ Tears are streaming down after reading your post. I believe you are very strong and have already endured more than most people can imagine. But I also believe that some days you will only be able to put one foot in front of the other and that is okay too. Like others have said ~ No words seem adequate but I do want you to know how much I have been thinking about you these past few days. Please give yourself time and permission to grieve anyway you need to. We will all be here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

Hugs and tears from Texas,
Sherry