can someone please help me with why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I saw therapist today and I feel like it may be headed for a crash.
I am trying to think about my expectations, accept them, and see my part in it, but I feel like my therapist is not as caring and or really concerned about my best interest after today's session.
We have a rule: No calls in between sessions, boundary setting ya know, and I havent broken that since last week, when she almost dogged me, we talked, and now she says she wants to continue, wondering why I feel she has all the power to end therapy. But I feel in my gut, she just doesn't like me as much as she did, and yes, corny as that may sound, it tugs at the heart strings a little, b/c she is a neat person. Not sure if I need to do something, or I did something wrong, but I see her again on Friday and I am NOT calling her no matter what happens, so that's taken care of. But why do I feel this way, and should I just keep this to myself, instead of tell her?
She did EMDR with me today, and it was about my mother and how we believe there is some Munchausen By Proxy stuff going on with my mom: the intense need for her children to need her, so she can feel loved and needed to the extreme and some codependnecy in there to boot.
So I cried a little on the way home. My therapist has said to me, "lean on me, I support you all the way, I care deeply for you", and more but today I feel that maybe she is having a bad time, she talks about getting old, and how her skin is sagging, and I tell her not to fell that way. HOw much is she supposed to expect from me, AND how much am I supposed to talk about with her? How do I know if I am on the 'right track' if i feel a heavy heart after today's session and it's not about my mom and I???
PS I evben thought about sending her an ecard to let her know I said a prayer for her, b/c I feel like I need to, but is that really necessary?
Need a break going to eat.
If you guys have a boundary thing such as no calls between appointments, I probably would not send a card. For whatever reason, that boundary is there, so best not to get close to crossing that line, if you know what I mean. I don't know your whole story though.
Sorry for your heavy heart today. I had a session (my 2nd only) with my therapist and I'm starting to feel like things aren't going in the direction I want them to.
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Jan/Feb - Clomid 150mg, O'd, BFN
Feb/March - taking break due to 3-inch cyst
March/April - Clomid 150mg, praying...
Honestly, I feel that she wants me to fire her, I just don't know. If I tell her that, she'll come up with "I'm not good enough for you...I can only do this for you".... or blame ME, she gets a little angry like she doesn't want her heart to get involved. I just don't get it, and don't know what I can do, or if I'm good enough for her, I just don't know
It's not that I feel my therapist isn' working for me for whatever reason, I'm just wondering if I should keep these feellings in, not talk abot them to her, diss em, or continue. I know I have to make the decision, but I'm starting to question again, I have been hurt too much, and this will be my last therapist.
You are beautiful and have nothing to worry about.
Its very scary being dependent on someone the way you are with a therapist. There is always that power imbalance i.e. the patient needs the therapist the therapist doesn't need the patient (except maybe for the $$$).
I'm surprised she's telling you a bit about how she is feeling, I thought normally they were pretty neutral?
Is is possible that both of you are getting too close? Maybe she *knows* she is getting a bit close (transference?) and is frustrated with herself for allowing that to happen? Hence the boundary setting. I know boundaries and avoiding transference are usually high on a therapists list so perhaps she is concerned about her ability at the moment and doesn't know how to handle or deal with it?
Heck, maybe I'm way off track.
If it was me and having the relationship you guys seemed to have, I'd be honest. Just say "I think I'm too dependant on you. How can I feel more independant? How can I walk away from here feeling empowered not with a heavy heart? Do you think you are dependent on me?".
Because it sounds like if you don't take action you are going to stop all therapy and I don't think that would be a good thing either.
well it;s 12 30 am here and I;ve been bawling since 11pm. I did call her and said just this:
:You don;t need to call me back, and I would prefer if you didn;t, b/c i don't want to break the boundaries. I am having a hard time telling you what I need to talk about. I wish to God I could tell you, and it's no reflection on you, I think it's just a trust issue with me, or I really don;t want people to know who I really am. I really just don't know what to do"...voice mail went off.
I said this all while not being able to breathe out my nose so she knows I am very upset.
ANyway, I can't sleep, so here I am, I haven't cried this hard in a long time, and it oisn't dep[ression, just sadness, b/c I do not understand why I am having these feelings, I guess just one of those good cries
Hey there Cyster,
Darling, take a deep breath in & out.
You are beautiful and have nothing to worry about.
Its very scary being dependent on someone the way you are with a therapist. There is always that power imbalance i.e. the patient needs the therapist the therapist doesn't need the patient (except maybe for the $$$).
I'm surprised she's telling you a bit about how she is feeling, I thought normally they were pretty neutral?
Is is possible that both of you are getting too close? Maybe she *knows* she is getting a bit close (transference?) and is frustrated with herself for allowing that to happen? Hence the boundary setting. I know boundaries and avoiding transference are usually high on a therapists list so perhaps she is concerned about her ability at the moment and doesn't know how to handle or deal with it?
Heck, maybe I'm way off track.
If it was me and having the relationship you guys seemed to have, I'd be honest. Just say "I think I'm too dependant on you. How can I feel more independant? How can I walk away from here feeling empowered not with a heavy heart? Do you think you are dependent on me?".
Because it sounds like if you don't take action you are going to stop all therapy and I don't think that would be a good thing either.
Thanks, just wish this crap didn';t have to happen, and why does it???
I thought about her feeling that she may be getting too close, and I know from school, therapists can get the countertransference, but you;'re right, i agre about the dependent part, but she is not in this for the money, I do know that. When I was living ina sober living home last year, she came to visit me twice b/c she knew I was ahving a hard time. I hpope she's not frustrated with herself for allowing herself to get too close, i can't rwead minds b ut dies that mean that me seeing her may not be good for her? I have been thinking about that.....
I feel like calling her 24 hours before the appt on Friday and just sayuing: :I feel that I may need to give you a break, correctmeif I;m wrong please, but maybe a break from me, is what you need" who knows if I'l call, if I had a pt who called me that upset, I would definately be concerned but i asked hwer speciafically not to call me back due to the boundary issue. I wi**** weren;t so, but maybe she is concerned about her ability to handle it, and that's why i should be the one to end it, i have prayed HARD about this, and I wish God would give me a sign on how to either getpast this or move on
Now see its 5.35pm down here in Australia, and I'm thinking about what I should be having for dinner.
I just ate a giant caramello koala (chocolate shaped koala with caramel inside).
Gee it was good, but no wonder I can't lose weight!
Aaah there is always tomorrow.
Now its very late where you are, and by your typing I think you are very tired. Man have I been there. But somewhere amongst all the noise in your head and all those pesky feelings jumping up all over the place & generally making you feel uncomfortable is a quieter inner voice. Its there, because you have used it on here plenty of times, it just can't get a word in!
Those feelings you can deal with later. Sometimes I name them - theres Freaked Out Fiona, theres Angry Amanda, yes I know you are there too Sad Sally etc. Sounds kooky but one it makes me smile a bit and two, these feelings LOVE to be acknowledged. Giving them names strokes there egos a bit. Try & be the parent figure to them, shush them & tell them we will figure it all out. You will feel crazy but it might help.
To relax try meditating. You focus one word like 'calm'. Sit down, close your eyes and just say in your head over & over calm. Imagine the word printed on your mind and just look at the word calm. Your head will go off in a hundred other crazy directions -thats okay just keep bringing it back to the word calm.
Or take a bath, hot milk and lie back and think of Australia. Have you ever been? Its something else to focus on.
I'd love to write more but its 5.42 now, and I'm having to log off at 6pm for a system server upgrade or some such thing.
Just reading your latest post.
Personally I'd keep the appointment, its better to do it in person face to face.
Tell her the truth, you are finding it hard with the boundaries, its frustrating you that you have all these churned up feelings, does she feel she is getting too close to you etc.
Because I'm not sure whats going on just by your posts, and you might think you know but really theres only one sure way to find out and thats to ask her directly (you can also see by her facial expressions when your in person!).
Now I have to go because our IT geek is stalking us warning us to switch off.
Hope you get some rest honey, how is it in California anyway - hot & sunny because it is freezing cold here and I have to walk two blocks to my car!
I'm afraid if I tell you what's going on with me, you may say, "this isn't working"
Its very scary being dependent on someone the way you are with a therapist. There is always that power imbalance i.e. the patient needs the therapist the therapist doesn't need the patient.
Are you concerned about the ability to help me at the moment?
How can I feel more independant? How can I walk away from the sessions feeling empowered not with a heavy heart? Do you think you are dependent on me?
If I don't take some sort of action I may stop all therapy and I don't think that would be a good thing.
I was going to wait and call on Thursday about the appt on Friday saying: "I feel that I may need to give you a break, correct me if I'm wrong please, but maybe a break from me, is what you need" who knows, b/c I don't know what you need.
I have prayed HARD about this, and I wish God would give me a sign on how to either get past this.
(((((thank you))))) for all your help, I will do as you suggested and try to get some saleep. yes soul cysters indeed and all I can really do is give it to God and let go. It took a lot of risk to write that email to her, but the careds are on the table and I feel I werote it politely, not rude or crassa, or blaming.
PLease God give me direction, helpe me to get this stuff out
I have been to many many counselors and to be honest, this does not sound like a counselor/patient relationship. I didn't read anything in the posts to lead me to believe that anyone else agrees with me but I would change counselors. Don't give up and say you won't go to another though, there are both good and bad ones out there and you need to find one that works for you. Seeing a counselor should not leave you feeling as bad as did when you decided to go to them in the first place if you kwim.
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therapy not sure what's going on 
