Things are hard, but I'm ok (long w/no point, read if interested, maybe it will help)

Pandora1151 · 02-06-2007, 06:51 PM

I want to post here because I have struggled with depression my whole life and I think I am bipolar. Sharing this may help me gain some perspective. One reason I think I am bp is because of how I am right now. I think I am hypo-manic right now even though technically I should be depressed. I always have events in my life that rate really high on the stress scale but when I get super stressed out it's like I thrive on it. I posted a reply to someone about my newfound faith (until 8 years ago, I was an atheist). Before I started believing in God, the kinds of stress I go through would make me suicidal, now it makes me hyper and obsessive and (strangely) happy. For instance, in the last 2 years I have a list of things that go back to back, meaning for me, at least once per month something of a large caliber stressor has happened in my life.

I'll start with 2005, otherwise this will have to be a book. So, here's my list:

After months of being ignored and shut out, I began to ignore and shut out my bf to see if he would chase after me the way I did him when he was being a jerk. It worked, but by the time I should have been cutting him some slack I got super busy with school and work and an increasingly rebellious daughter so I began ignoring him and shutting him out because I didn't have time to focus on him. I guess you could say it backfired. He cheated on my twice, back to back. I found out about one when it was over and the other when it was just beginning. He couldn't argue much about the one that was over, but he vehemently denied the 2nd one until I found solid proof and kicked him out of the house and refused to speak to him for about 2 months.

Because I couldn't afford to stay where I was w/out his help, my father and stepmother (who were extremely neglectful & abusive when I lived w/them as a kid) offered to rent their house to my sister and I (she was going through something similar, only w/a new baby) for a good price because it was sitting empty while they were down South the majority of the year. This is the first time in my life, since my stepmom entered it, that she was willing to do something to help out my dad's kids instead of try to shut us out of his life (she tried to kill me twice between age 16 & 18, not exaggerating). It turned out to be more to help her than us, but still. Sis & I agreed. Then, true to their nature, they were not ready to move out on time so I moved in w/them for 2 months or so and tried to mediate the explosive fights erupting between my sister and them as I was the one who was at a better stage of "making peace" w/them than she was even though I took the brunt of the abuse growing up in order to protect her.

When they finally moved out and she moved in, I found out some very unpleasant things about my sis that I didn't realize even though I have raised her pretty much on my own since I was 13 & she was 7. She went away to another city to go to college & whenever I talked to her, she seemed to have a good head on her shoulders but I was wrong in a lot of ways. She is a huge slob (I still blame this on not having parents around growing up). She has no idea about parenting beyond the basics & my precious nephew is now almost 3, not potty trained, spoiled rotten and runs her ragged. She has no consistency in discipline and as a result he is into everything, destructive and has no boundaries w/anyone but me and even that is tenuous. He minds me but even though I tell her why, she doesn't understand why he won't mind her. She makes twice as much money as I do (she's a teacher), but living in Dad's house for a year & a half w/rent that is only 1/6 of her income has caused her to dig herself so deep into debt that her depth of depression matches her debt and she blames everyone else for her irresponsibility. More about her money situation in a minute as it will affect me in a huge way soon.

Shortly after my sister moved in, one of my 2 best friends moved to California (I'm in Michigan).

Since my sister moved in with the baby, I have caught a minimum of 6 stomach viruses from him that include puking, diarrhea, exhaustion, headache. Prior to this, I've only had maybe 1 or 2 problems of this nature since I was 3 or 4 myself. This causes me to miss unpaid sick days from work, but somehow I have managed to dig myself OUT of debt since moving in to Dad's house (the whole point of both of us moving there to begin with).

After dating around for awhile, and after much convincing on his part, I took my boyfriend back. For at least a year, I was unable to go more than 2 days w/out looking through his phone, calling strange numbers, going through all his stuff (you get the idea). In spite of this, we have learned to communicate w/each other much better. He treats me like I am the most cherished person in his life. I love this and hate it at the same time. I hate it because he has been unable to keep a steady job due to the fact that he did not graduate and the economy in MI is at an all time low & he has fallen behind on his child support. The shame of this & the anger of the mom has kept him from seeing his kids on a regular basis. He will go months w/out seeing them! After the way I grew up & the fact that my kids don't know their dads, this bugs the sh*t out of me & makes me feel guilty, like I'm taking his attention away from his kids because he treats me so well now, especially compared to before the cheating. More about this in a minute.

In the meantime, I began to have a toxic reaction to Spironolactone and became very ill again. Doc changed me to Yasmin, took me off Lo-Ovral/Spiro combo. The toxicity went away but otherwise I hate it. All my pcos symptoms and then some have come back. It's really freaking me out.

About 6 months after taking my BF back, I felt like I could not get rid of this chronic bladder infection so I went to the doc and found out I had chlamydia. BF tested neg (supposedly) so it apparently came from a short affair I had w/a guy while we were broke up. That guy confirmed it when he got tested. I still don't understand because I always used condoms w/him. BF totally freaked and wouldn't talk to me for about a month. I am convinced he slept w/someone else during this time because when he did start coming back around, he was acting the same way he was when he was cheating until I told him if things didn't go back to the road to recovery, it was over. Then, things slowly got better again.

Shortly after that, I was cut off from Medicaid. My new caseworker also hates my guts and I hate hers so every time she has to touch my file, she makes it as difficult as possible to get anything accomplished. So now I have to pay for my medical care out of pocket. Thank GOD I live at my dad's house because this has been very expensive.

Then, my daughter had to go to summer school, even though she is one of the smartest kids in her school because she goofed off w/the wrong crowd the entire 7th grade. In summer school, she met a boy much older than her who was on probation for a variety of minor crimes. She was 13, he was almost 16. Major rebellion began - sneaking out, lying, cutting herself, you name it. I actually tried to get her into boot camp but was turned away because she didn't have a criminal record. After months of trying and coming within an inch of giving up, she finally has turned things around and in 8th grade is now bringing home good grades and behaving at home and school. Wanna know what worked? Consistency. I quit my job w/erratic hours & got a 8-5, M-F job so I could be consistent. Even w/this dramatic example, does my sister get it? NO. My patience with her inability to take responsibility for her problems is close to it's end.

Around the time the stuff began w/my daughter, my other best friend moved to Tennessee. No best friends left, only acquaintences. I don't have a wide variety of friends because I have major trust issues, plus I prefer not to have the stress/burden of mainaining lots of friendships.

Around the time the stuff started ending w/my daughter, I found out my 17 year old son is gay. While this was hard to deal with, I have been told by other cysters (u guys are the only ones I've talked to about it) that I have handled the situation admirably. However, I told him that I would not tell anyone as that is his job to do when he feels ready, so the only outlet I have had to talk about this is SC. Thank you so much ladies!

Recently, I had a talk w/my BF and told him how I felt about his child support/visitation issue, along with his aspirations to start his own business that he has been talking about for months now. He agreed that having child support warrants was ruining everything good in his life. He turned himself in to get them cleared so he could move forward w/his plans for his business, his children, and our relationship. Turned out his bond was way more than anyone could afford so he is spending 45 days in jail, which is a curse and a blessing because it gives him time to think and really get his priorities straight. The decisions he makes when he gets out will determine whether or not I am still with him by summer. In the meantime, he is studying for his GED while he is in there. I am very lonely without him.

My son has been accepted to Michigan State University. He brought home a 3.9 gpa on his last report card. He is doing splendid and I am super proud of him. He will graduate in June. I have to plan an open house for him.

That would be wonderful, except a couple days ago, my sister told me she plans on moving out by April because she just can't afford to live there anymore!!!! She says she needs to find an apartment because it's too hard to stay caught up on her bills/rent living there. Our father just raised the rent by about $100/mo due to the fact that the utilities have run so high since we moved in (our utilities are included). She had the nerve to say that if she knew he was going to raise the rent, she wouldn't have been so lax about keeping everything running all the time. She didn't care before because utilities were included. My response was DUH! I had told her many times that would happen. Even with the raise in rent though, she will not be able to find even the smallest apartment for much cheaper than what she is paying now. I think she is lying to me about the reason she's moving out. I think it has more to do with keeping an eye on her boyfriend who runs around on her because she was talking about moving to the apartment complex he lives in.

I survived a year of my ADD son driving on a permit while my BF and I were the ONLY ones who would practice w/him. Me about 90% of the time. I can't tell you how stressful that was and how much of a bad mood it put me in!

On a good note, I recently paid off all my bad debt. I also enrolled back in school to finish my bachelor degree. I have gone to college in small chunks since I was pg w/my daughter and now I have 3 associate degrees and about a year and a half to my bachelor. My ultimate dream is to obtain a PhD in psychology and do research. However, a bachelor in Medical Case Management will finally get me out of the income category where I make too much to qualify for help from the state, but not enough to make it on my own while still being in line with the psych thing. Finishing my bachelor degree is my contribution to this wonderful new life BF and I have been (trying) to plan.

In closing, I am feeling really good lately, like I could fly over the moon if that's what I wanted to do. I can't fall asleep. I have become super organized, even though I was pretty organized before. I write constantly and at length (as you can tell), I'm thinking about writing a book or two. I feel like I am on this super human wavelength that I get on every so often, which I love! The only drawback is that I am having a tendency to get super irritated and internally enraged over small things. But I can usually talk myself down from that before I do something out of control. Granted, many problems have been unraveled or fixed so I'm not in the midst of everything like I once was. It's just that when I was studying for my associate in psych, I did tons of research on bipolar because it runs in my family and I was the only support person my bipolar uncle had at the time. I know one isn't supposed to self diagnose, but it's so hard not to. They even warned us about this in school. Aside from being somewhat lonely from missing my incarcerated BF, I am ON TOP OF THE WORLD!

Just to let you know, I have not sunk into a major depression in a long time. When I start to feel one coming on, I sing to praise to God. Like I said in a previous post, I'm not very religious, but I do believe in God and He always comes through for me when I'm down. But praying is not enough, I have to sing for it to work. Lately, I've been singing a lot so I don't know if that is what is keeping me in an ultra good mood or what.

Anyway, if you've read this far you probably have an ultra boring job like I do! LOL! I appreciate your willingness to learn about me. If you have any feedback or want to tell me I'm crazy, please feel free. Please don't suggest meds to me though because I will never take antidepressants again. I have never done well on them. I hate them. Plus, singing does more wonders for me than any drug ever has. Thanks for reading.

sinnie · 02-06-2007, 07:14 PM

Yeah, you're right, my job IS super boring today!

That was a good read, you should write a book on your life. Girl you've been through a LOT! I hate to tell your sister, but an apartment in Michigan is probably going to cost a lot more then staying with you!
At the same time it sounds like a blessing, you won't have her and her kid there cramping your style, getting you sick and trashing the place.

It sounds like you're doing very well, with all that has happened in your life recently you are amazing for not pulling your hair out and going completely bonkers. I'm not sure if you would be bipolar or not. My mom is bipolar and there is just NO reasoning with her (she is not on any medication.) You seem very reasonable, per the test with your son and so on. So I really think you'd be looney by now if you were bipolar AND without meds.

Truly if you are really wondering seek out a doctor to talk it over with you and find out.
I honestly think you're doing well from the last few paragraphs!

About your boyfriend, is he not able to pay child support because of no work? Or is he just ditching it? I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't support his children. Even if he has no money he could do something for them. Call them or send them a card or a letter or something. It doesn't cost anything to TALK.

My dad grew up in Michigan and had to leave in the 80s because work was bad up there. After he died in 2004 I thought about going up there to be with his parents, my Grandparents, but they kept me from it because of how bad the job economy is up there. It's really booming in most places now. You might want to consider moving too, maybe near one of your old friends?

Fuzzy Bear · 02-06-2007, 08:48 PM

Wow!
Your story held me spell bound! You really should write a book!
My DH has been dx'd as Bipolar by a "mood clinic" and was on the meds for almost 2 years before he was sick of how it made him feel and he weaned himself off of it.
We never really understood why they decided on BiPolar, when he wasn't moody or acting like he was happy, then sad 5 min. later which seems to be the 'big' thing about BP.
His sister who is a psychiatrist in Georgia, told him that she feels he's got Disassociative disorder, because of abuse he went through when he was a child by their parents, and he has only begun to remember about it after his mother's death, which is supposed to be often the case of repressed memories coming out.
I think you are absolutely awesome!! I really do!
I have battled with depression for 10 years and I have been through a lot but I don't feel like I could go through what you have as well as you have.
I wish I could.
Talk to a doctor about your depression before you convince yourself one way or the other, and get a second opinion. I'd hate to see anyone else mis-diagnosed and one of the doctors receptionist told us that psychiatrists will often choose between Bi Polar and Dis.A.Dis. and decide one or the other is a valid assessment, while the other isn't. They are often confused when someone is being assessed, apparently.
I hope you find something to help you understand why you feel the way you do, soon.
I hope your kids realize how great you are ~ mind, I didn't realize it about my parents until after I moved out.
Keep Smiling and Keep Singing!
Best Wishes

Fuzzy Bear

Pandora1151 · 02-07-2007, 12:51 PM

Thank you for your comments! After I posted that story, I was driving home from work worrying about putting myself out there like that. I have been told to write a story about my life since I was a teenager but stuff keeps happening to add to everything and so far, I have just kept a sporadic journal.

My boyfriend hasn't been paying his child support because of no work available. When he turned himself in, he lost the part time job he had just managed to get after a long time of trying. He is in a bad position, especially because he doesn't have a GED. When the economy was doing okay, there were lots of jobs he could get and he was making decent money when I met him. He always used to have his child support taken out of his checks automatically. Now, jobs that used to be abundant around here are scarce and almost everywhere requires a GED or diploma because employers can afford to be choosy when they are literally getting 200 to 400 applications per job opening!! We had an opening for a delivery driver where I work, paying only $8/hr but it was full time. We were flooded with resumes. The final count was 176. It takes longer to decide who to hire because we get so many. The factory jobs are worse. We have a friend who works in a factory making airplane parts. He was trying to get my bf in there and we asked what was taking so long (about a month and a half went by). He told us they had received over 400 applications and resumes and they overlooked my bf because he didn't graduate. It's one of the criteria for weeding out apps because they get so many. He doesn't have any visitation rights established with the court (1st step when he comes home) and his kid's mother won't let him see them very often, especially when she wants money. Even when he was paying his child support (which is set so high sometimes he doesn't even make enough to match what he owes!), if she wanted extra money and he refused, she would block his calls, etc for months at a time. But I have no patience for these excuses any longer. I've overcome much much worse and I know there are steps he can take to make things right. He has agreed with me and finally decided to do something about it. Turning himself in was the first step.

My sister is getting on my nerves right now and it's for the same reason. Her problems seem really minor to me and even though they are not all easy to fix, she can pull her life together if she applies herself instead of having a meltdown every 2 days and just allowing herself to be tossed in the wind. The thing about her is, I feel kind of guilty where she is concerned because I was mostly responsible for raising her and while I was learning lessons on survival, I apparently wasn't passing them on to her as well as I should have because I was trying to protect her and make things seem as normal as possible when they weren't normal and it was impossible to make things normal for her no matter how hard I tried.

When I was 17, my stepmom poisoned my food. While I was lying on the bathroom floor dry heaving & unable to move, she came in and told me that I should just leave my dad to her and that from now on I can see her power over me and I better watch my step. She told me that she wouldn't stop until she got my dad to take away custody of my son so they could raise him as their own (oh, the horror of that thought). She told me I couldn't control what she put in the food, laughed and walked out. My dad wasn't there, he was out delivering drugs. He had wanted to take me to the ER, but she told him to go ahead and she would keep an eye on me. He just thought I was sick. Shortly before this happened, he had bought a house 2 doors down from hers so that he could stay at her house and we could stay at ours without crossing paths too much because she was violent and we weren't about to keep it a secret.

Anyway, after that I was furious. My dad didn't believe me when I told him. We fought so much, he thought I was making it up to try to get rid of her. He thought I was jealous for my mom. My mom left him because he cheated on her with my stepmom. My mom never wanted me so she tried to get custody of my sister and leave me w/my dad, but my sister refused to go anywhere without me. Since my mom told me she regretted that I was born and my sister was her favorite, I didn't want to live with her. Hence, the situation with my dad. I didn't know he was going to move that witch in with us. When my stepmom started abusing us, I asked my mom to intervene. She told me I made my bed, now lie in it.

I couldn't drop the whole poison thing so my stepmom set up a bad situation at our house and blamed it on me. I don't know how my dad could have believed I did what she accused me of because I had been out of town for about 5 days and had only been back for a couple hours. My dad kicked me out after the fight that ensued. Because I already had a child, I was able to find an apartment. I moved out of the frying pan into the fire. I got involved w/ a psycho, but that's another story.

The part about my sister is that when I left, she was left alone to fend for herself. There was nobody to buy groceries for her, there was no cable in the house, nobody to help her with her homeowork (I tried to over the phone), she was all alone. My mom got her every other weekend and I usually had her come stay with me a couple times per week, but with my increasingly worse situation, it was becoming less and less safe for her to stay with me. She basically lived on mashed potatoes, eggs, and milk because those were the only groceries my dad made sure stayed in the house. They would be 2 doors down grilling steaks on the barbeque and wouldn't even offer her a plate! They were eating good every day and she was basically starving and living off school lunches w/nobody to talk to. I was so pissed! But I was also scared for her to eat food my stepmom cooked after what happened to me because my stepmom took out a lot of her rage on my sister since I wasn't around anymore. This went on for about a year, while my troubles w/psycho got progressively worse. I pleaded w/my mom to take her, but she refused. Finally, I told my mom and my dad that if they didn't fix the situation by nightfall, my sister would be in a foster home before morning. I didn't want to do that. I was scared my sister would be mad at me, but she was only 11 and she was alone and I couldn't protect her anymore. My mom ended up taking her, but she resented me for it. I didn't care. She already resented me for being born so why should I care? The only 2 people I cared about in the world were my son and my sister. So, I know I digress, but the way things are with my sister now reflect her childhood and I know she hasn't had anywhere near the therapy I have had so I try to be patient with her. It's just that people who lack the survival instinct I have confuse me. However, I am still very protective of her.

Right now I want to kill her son's father because he hurt her feelings last night (she ended up taking him back when I took mine back, but things didn't improve w/him). The things he said to her were mean and uncalled for and because of her past, which he knows about but not like I do, what he said cut about 10 times deeper than it would for someone who didn't go through what she did. He basically told her she was a burden to him and he didn't want her but he had no choice because of their son. What a F***ing bastard! Can you imagine how she felt? I felt bad for being mad at her when I found her sobbing about this. I hope she leaves him for good this time.

About my kids, Fuzzy Bear, I actually am lucky to have kids who appreciate me now. My son always tells me how much I inspire him. He recently told me that when he prays every night, the first thing he thanks God for is giving him a mom like me. I was really touched. My daughter tells all her friends I am her best friend and she can't imagine not being able to talk to me about her problems because they always tell her how they can't stand their mom and can't talk to her. Her entire 13th year was way off track, but since I am around more consistently again, she is 100% better. Anyway, I know this is really long again. I didn't intend for it to be, but you seemed interested. Talking about what my sister and I went through is hard. I can only write it down to get through it w/out crying so I appreciate people willing to read about it.

Fuzzy Bear · 02-07-2007, 01:15 PM

I'm really glad your kids understand what you've gone through for them and that they show they appreciate it.
I've been lucky with my sons because they have told me they love me ever since they were small. Even my 15 year old surprised me when he was having his b'day party; I said I was going out, and he said he loved me loud enough that his friends heard, and though they looked over, none of them have ever bugged him about it (I asked). It was the most awesome feeling and the next day I hugged him and told him how special it made me to have him do that. He shrugged it off as 'nothing'. I cried lol
All of my sons have told us that they are the only kids they know that 'like' their parents and don't fight with them.
We brought them up to be secure in themselves and always ask questions. They were never a problem to the point that we didn't trust them, so when they want to do something new, we go over it and make sure everything is safe, but let them go for it even if they would be considered young for it or not. They have less rules because we trust them, I guess. They've also experienced more of life than most of their peers because of the opportunities we've let them have.
I think you do a great job, and as I read each "chapter" I am more and more impressed with how you've dealt with so much and come out the winner. lol I'd love to read your journal.

I hope you keep helping yourself by writing more. You have made me feel like I might be able to cope better next time something hard comes up in my life. Kind of like, if she can get through that, I should be able to get through This! You are an inspiration to me.
I hope you win the lottery someday. You deserve it for getting through so much in your life, and still being kind, sensitive, compassionate and caring about so many things and people. It's truly an awesome ability in this world of hate, bitterness and destruction.
Have a great day!

Fuzzy Bear

Pandora1151 · 02-07-2007, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy Bear

We never really understood why they decided on BiPolar, when he wasn't moody or acting like he was happy, then sad 5 min. later which seems to be the 'big' thing about BP.
His sister who is a psychiatrist in Georgia, told him that she feels he's got Disassociative disorder, because of abuse he went through when he was a child by their parents, and he has only begun to remember about it after his mother's death, which is supposed to be often the case of repressed memories coming out.

About BP, being happy then sad 5 min later is called rapid cycling and it is very rare w/BP. Usually the criteria for diagnosing BP is that you have onset in late teens, early twenties and have had at least one depressive mood episode lasting a minimum of 2 weeks even though they can last months and at least one manic mood episode lasting a minimum of 1 week or longer with intervening "normal" periods" that can last for years. Because of the longer lasting depression and normal periods, many people diagnosed w/BP do not feel that they actually have BP. If onset occurs at a younger age, rapid cycling, mixed mood episodes, and psychotic symptoms (audio or visual hallucinations & delusions) can be & usually are present. There's also a seperation in diagnoses between BP 1 and BP 2. Bipolar 1 includes full blown mania, whereas Bipolar 2 never experiences full blown mania, only hypo-mania.

Disassociative disorder is common when there are repressed memories involved, but it is marked more by a person spacing out and shutting his feelings off when something makes them uncomfortable. It's like the memories or experiences he is having are happening to someone else and he is just a bystander. When memories are very painful or threatening, they often come out after an abuser's or a protector's death. There are many things that I had repressed that came out in my middle twenties that made me suicidal because once I had the 1st memory, I hated the fact that there were probably many more buried that could come up whenever I let my guard down. Well, I found out that's not how it works. Your mind has it's own built in defenses, of which dissociation is one, and will not release those memories until you are ready to handle them. That is why they come up a lot when an abuser dies because once they are dead, you are safe from them.

Fuzzy Bear · 02-07-2007, 01:30 PM

Pandora1151 ~ Thanks for your post. It was very interesting and informative.
I am going to copy it and print it for my DH to read. Maybe it will help him to work through some of the confusion he's been going through.
Thanks again!

Fuzzy Bear

Pandora1151 · 02-07-2007, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy Bear

I'm really glad your kids understand what you've gone through for them and that they show they appreciate it.
I've been lucky with my sons because they have told me they love me ever since they were small. Even my 15 year old surprised me when he was having his b'day party; I said I was going out, and he said he loved me loud enough that his friends heard, and though they looked over, none of them have ever bugged him about it (I asked). It was the most awesome feeling and the next day I hugged him and told him how special it made me to have him do that. He shrugged it off as 'nothing'. I cried lol
All of my sons have told us that they are the only kids they know that 'like' their parents and don't fight with them.
We brought them up to be secure in themselves and always ask questions. They were never a problem to the point that we didn't trust them, so when they want to do something new, we go over it and make sure everything is safe, but let them go for it even if they would be considered young for it or not. They have less rules because we trust them, I guess. They've also experienced more of life than most of their peers because of the opportunities we've let them have.
I think you do a great job, and as I read each "chapter" I am more and more impressed with how you've dealt with so much and come out the winner. lol I'd love to read your journal.

I hope you keep helping yourself by writing more. You have made me feel like I might be able to cope better next time something hard comes up in my life. Kind of like, if she can get through that, I should be able to get through This! You are an inspiration to me.
I hope you win the lottery someday. You deserve it for getting through so much in your life, and still being kind, sensitive, compassionate and caring about so many things and people. It's truly an awesome ability in this world of hate, bitterness and destruction.
Have a great day!

Fuzzy Bear

Thanks! People with problems tend to gravitate toward me for the same reasons you described. I am far from perfect, but I finally have enough self esteem to be proud of what I have overcome. When I do write the book, I was thinking of the title, "Conquerer." The way I was 10 years ago, I would have titled it "Victim." You sound like you are a wonderful mom and doing a good job. I know what you mean about how good it feels when kids aren't embarassed to say they love you. My kids and I don't go a day without telling each other we love one another, even (especially) on bad days. It's so normal for them that they think other kids are wierd for being embarassed or teasing them about it so it doesn't bother them. They just feel sorry for the kids who aren't comfortable with it.

I was blessed with an IQ that is far above average and I have always sensed this "presence" within me, what I now call the "Conquerer presence" or I just think of it as God. I remember being around 4 years old and telling myself that there was a way out of everything bad and if I just hold on, I could make things better for myself. The only time that feeling was shaken (that I remember) was when I started having my first repressed memories come to the surface in my mid twenties. My first one was of my uncle raping me when I was 10. I was so freaked out that I hid in this storage place we had for firewood. It was very small and I could only sit cross-legged and just fit. I was in there, frozen, crying and shaking. I didn't know what was happening to me or why I would "think" of something so horrible happening to me as a child. The only reason I came out is because my kids found me and they were scared. My parental instincts took over and then the dissociation took over. I would not have survived my life without dissociation, but when I got older and things normalized for me somewhat, dissociation got in the way of every day living. I couldn't get rid of it on my own even though by then I knew what it was and what its purpose was so I went to a counselor and asked him to coach me out of it. That worked within a year, but the only reason it worked so quickly was because I was so educated on the subject and I had had years of previous therapy. My advice to your husband would be to read, read, read up on the things people have dx him with or think he has and just HOLD ON FOR THE RIDE. It DOES end somewhere. There IS light at the end of the tunnel eventually.