Thinking About Trying Again After A Loss?

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 04:21 PM

Part THREE Of : Contemplating TTC After Miscarriage Thread.

Hi Ladies,
I started a thread for any for us out there who may be thinking about taking the first step in TTC again after a loss. Those of us in this situation know that this involves a lot of emotions.
I'd like us to have a place to come to to post our feelings without feeling like we are stepping on the toes of anyone on any of the other threads. Some Cysters don't believe we belong here. But, since this is part three of this thread, there is an obvious need for something like this. I hope this thread can be a bridge between the miscarriage boards and the actively TTC boards. For me, I needed something that focused less on the loss, and more on moving forward, after such a life changing experience. I guess I need help crossing over.
Part of my problem was the people on the TTC boards were farther along in their journey, or just in a different place than me. Many of the women there have never been pg. Many had never suffered a pg loss, and even though they sympathize, they don't understand the trepidation, and anxiety that comes with trying again. Those of us who have had losses understand how precious life truly is. We know first hand what really can happen. It's all too real. We have lost that sort of innocence. We have very real fears. I thought it would be helpful to have a place for those of us who've suffered losses to come to, and share. This is part three of a thread that was originally on the TTC forum. I wondered if it would reach more of us here in the coping with pg loss forum.

Seeing your way through the pain of a loss and even thinking you might want to try again is a big step. I'd like to make this a safe place to come to with your concerns on the subject. Feel free to vent, or to cry, or to lend your support to others who are in your situation.

So, here's my story: I'm Gina, I'm 40 and thinking about trying to concieve after losing four babies since June 2004. My first baby Nicole was a perfectly healthy 17 wk fetus when my membranes ruptured for reasons unknown. She was delivered on June 10, 2004. My second baby James was delivered on February 5, 2005 at 16 wks.and 1 day, also after ruptured membranes.
Being a cyster, I never thought I would even conceive, much less twice in such a short period of time. So, I thought my two were true miracles. Then in August 2005, I was expecting again. Sadly,that pregnancy ended much too soon, and at 11 weeks I had a D&C. My daughter Skyler was only with us for a little over 8 weeks. But, she'll never be forgotten. My fourth loss was our tiny little baby Shelby, only with us for about 5 weeks but, holds a very special place in my heart. We found out about this fourth pregnancy a few days before the first anniversary of our son Jamie's birth. We thought for sure it was a message from God to not be so sad.

Now I'd like to try again, but, it's scary. It's truly a leap of faith. One day I'm gung ho about trying again, and the next day I just want to hide in the corner and not even think about it. Some days I feel like I go right back to the day we lost Nicole. Some days I just want to cry. Some days I feel like I'm losing it, and others I'm very positive. I'm wondering if I have any other cysters out there who are feeling the same way? If so please post your feelings here. Maybe, we can support each other through this difficult time.

*A word of caution: When we get good news, like a BFP, we do share it here on this thread. So, please be warned new pregnancies are sometimes mentioned on this thread.

I hope all your dreams come true!

MommyOAnna · 02-02-2006, 04:32 PM

I was posting at the same time you posted about the new thread, but found my way over after seeing your new post.....I will have to catch up later....ugh, I am awake on pure willpower alone. Why I would will to stay up too late is beyond me.

Goodnight all!!

Pamela · 02-02-2006, 04:53 PM

I'm still here, mostly lurking. Still TTC for a while yet. we'll see what happens. I'm 44 so chances are small for me. DS was a true miracle.
I like to see what's up with you cysters!!!

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 05:19 PM

I'm glad you two found your way over here.
Pamela, don't give up, and have fun trying!

Sian, again, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I lost my baby girl Skyler back in October. Her heart stopped about two weeks before I started to miscarry (thanks to progesterone). It was horrible. I had bleeding early on with her for a day or two. but, my betas were going up and we saw a good heartbeat at about 6 wks. and again at 8 wks then, on my next appt. nothing. I was devastated.

JJL, I lost my first baby at 17 weeks also. I too had the nightmare of going through labor and delivery knowing my baby would not be alive. Then 8 months later the same thing happened to me again at 16 weeks. There are no words to describe the pain and the emptiness. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what I've been through. In fact Jamie, my 16 week baby was born a year ago this coming Sunday.

I hope we can support you two in your TTC journey.

nikkisix · 02-02-2006, 05:48 PM

Gina - I am so sorry for your losses...

I'm sorry for everyone's losses, and I agree- I think we need a place where we all understand the unique emotions that go along with the TTC after a loss journey.

I am not sure when I will be ready to try again, everytime I think about it I remember the feeling of being pregnant, and how wonderful I felt for those weeks (although sick) and then how I felt when the dr told me it was over and we needed to schedule a D&C. Then when I m/c naturally and it WAS over, how my heart broke.

I wish everyone the strength to get through - sometimes I wonder if we had a plan to TTC right away, if I would feel better?

I'm glad you started a new thread, thanks!
Nicole

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 06:26 PM

Thanks Nikki,
Just know that when you are ready we will be here to help support you. You are welcome to share whatever feelings you are having about your loss here.

JJL · 02-02-2006, 06:39 PM

Oh man Gina you got me in tears.. now... God Bless you...
it is hard.... but we go on,, we have no choice
i got the call on my blood work
this was to see how good my o was
16 for the progesterone and 82 for the estrogen
so it loos good I go in next thursday for the pregnancy test...
I dont know why I have to wait another week till i find out
man,,,, its going to drag

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 07:12 PM

JJL,
Thank you!
I know, it seems like we spend some much time waiting. I'm waiting for my Dr's office to call now to schedule my first appt. and to find out if I need any bloodwork now.

JJL · 02-02-2006, 07:22 PM

It does seem that we are always waiting...
But I got the good word on the levels... so that is a postive
You know last time I new I was,,, I could tell imdeatly
I dont know if it was because there were three babies
or what,,, but I dont know now...
I will just have to wait to find out...

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 07:24 PM

Well, my fingers are crossed for you.

JJL · 02-02-2006, 09:27 PM

Fee
I know what you mean, My sister called me yesterday and one of our friends
is pregnant... and my step sister had her baby shower just this past weekend
it makes you so angry... and its hard to handel.. my sister the girl she told me about being pregnant well she is not ready yet.. she is going to keep the baby though thank God...
My sister she is my younger sister she has a 2 year old little boy,, who I adore... but how come she could have her baby but I couldnt...
I could go on and on,,,But I think its gotta be better to vent it out
and natural for us to feel this way,,, hahaha

naomid · 02-02-2006, 09:53 PM

I have tried again as soon as they told me it was ok. I am now in my 2ww. when I try to talk my last m/c my family just pretty much just ignores me. When we get pg again my DH and I have decided not to tell my family because they make me so angry. I have a lot more fears about getting pg this time. I am still dwelling on the last time. I also compare. Like last time when did the trigger shot effects go away and it become the pg symtoms. Now I am only 6 DPO and I am feeling tired, cranky, and nauseated.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 02-02-2006, 09:57 PM

Hi everybody,
I'm still not 100% sure I'll get my vacation time to avoid being at work when my boss returns from maternity leave. I'm not ready to hear about her baby, right now. The baby she didn't want, the toatally problem free pregnancy she had. The one who worked up until the day before she delivered. She had an emergency c-section so, she wasn't even in labor. Never had a contraction. Ooops! do I sound bitter? Well, I make no apologies for that. I believe I'm entitled to. Even with my good news, I'm sort of holding my breath. I've come to expect things to go wrong. I don't think I'll feel at ease until I passed the point where I lost Nicole. So, for the next 12-13 weeks I'm sure I'll be miserable.
To make matters worse, I believe my DR. is out on maternity leave. I office has not returned my call yet. I don't really mind seeing another Dr. but, I guess I'm afraid he/she won't take me seriously. After having suffered three back to back losses I should be able to come in every day if I need to.

OK, please forgive that tangent. Is it possible the hormones are making me crazy already?

JJL · 02-02-2006, 10:28 PM

Well you deserve to rant a little bit... no alot.. hahaha
its well earned... I agree you should be able to go to the doc
every time you want to go in and see whats up...
For me.. I have a group of doctors... and I got to know every single
one of them,,, while on bed rest in the hospital... every day they rotated
shifts in the hospital so they all go to know me pretty well,,, its a great
group of women,,, I am very lucky...
But you should feel comfrotable with who you see...
THey should call you back though... have you called again
I would pest them if I where you to get your answers..

nikkisix · 02-02-2006, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenix Rising ^^^

Even with my good news, I'm sort of holding my breath. I've come to expect things to go wrong.

Gina -have I missed something?????

Fee - I tell myself the same things about 'nature' and 'for the best' but that rarely helps. That's what I have come to expect from everyone else in my life anyway. Now I just remember how fortunate I was to have that moment in time, and hope for the future.

I cry quite often, and it's been almost 2 months and I still tear up if I speak of even being pregnant. Is anyone else like this?
Gina - I can't even imagine how you got through the loss of Nicole, James and Skyler. You are an amazingly strong woman...

Nicole