Throwing my life away one mistake at a time...

Toin · 04-11-2006, 04:02 PM

Hi guys.

It's 9:16 am and I should be sitting in class right now. It's a class I've missed, now, three weeks in a row. It's a class I intending on attending last night. It's a class with a strict attendance policy which I've ignored.

I'm halfway finished with graduate school and I'm throwing it away.

I have no explanation other than that I'm tired and sleep/rest overrides ALL other obligations. I'm REALLY tired. I'm mentally tired. I'm physically tired. I'm intellectually tired. I'm just tired.

I don't know what to do. I am risking being kicked out of the program. I'd deserve it if I were...

I just can't make myself do it. I haven't done it in the past. It's a STRONG pattern with me. Every spring, around this time, I go through this. EVERY SINGLE YEAR SINCE 1997.

It gets more difficult every year.

Clinicians aren't helpful because no one really explores the pattern. My own best guess is that it's PTSD related. I had some traumatic stuff go down during this season many moons ago and I never really processed it.

Now, I work 30 hrs a week on a psychiatric unit where everyone there has a situation much worse than my own yet I find myself envying the fact that they are "getting a week off" from life. I couldn't do inpatient even if I wanted... I have no insurance and no money and no serious, immediate risk.

My care to my patients hasn't suffered because of this...but my care to myself HAS ended.

I've gained 60lbs in less than 6 months. I haven't cleaned my room in as much time. I spent a night in the er a few weeks ago after urinating blood from a kidney infection that got out of hand. I have lost total control of my finances and am barely afloat. I have lost all desire to see old friends because I don't want them to see my new weight AND I'm just tired. I'd rather rest.

The great irony is that I don't rest... I spend most of my time worrying.

So there, that's my story. That's today's news. I shouldn't be typing this... I should be at school. I could be at school if I'd just get up and go but I'm really considering a nap.

The ativan is kicking in now and taking over and even though I have so much work to do and so few classes left to attend this term... I'll probably choose nap over work.

I don't know how to stop myself.

Thanks for listening.

*tinks* · 04-11-2006, 04:14 PM

*hugs*
i'm struggling too but for different reasons . try to focus on what you are doing well and taking control of - you are still going which is amazing! could you talk to a tutor or a counsellor on campus? that might help - I see a counsellor at my university and its free.
also i know it's easier said than done but please try not to beat yourself up, this is obviously affecting you - your problem may be different from the people you work with but it's still important!
maybe ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist?
have u got a close friend you can confide in? who could maybe help you get back on top of things?
just a few ideas, remember you're not alone.... keep posting here and try to stay positive! you have recognised you're struggling which is the first step, keep going, getting the help available and i promise u'll come through a stronger person - i'm on my way.
xxx

IsabelleGrace · 04-12-2006, 03:44 AM

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Toin)))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities and are overwhelmed, and might need some help in dealing with it all, especially when combined with suspected PTSD. From the reading I've done on this board and another that I go to, it seems that a lot of us have to go through a lot of lemons before we find the peach that we need to help us work through our problems. Please keep trying to find someone to work with. You shouldn't be trying to take on all of this on your own.

Another suggestion, as I was also feeling overwhelmed while in Grad School. Is it possible for you to take a short break from your program? Just some time to focus on you and getting yourself healthy? Maybe just a semester. You could keep working, but not have to worry about course work? Just a thought.

Please keep yourself safe and put yourself first!

lilywind · 04-12-2006, 07:23 AM

I know that the change of seasons affects me a lot too. Dr. Vliet says atmospheric changes affect the whole body. I counted, and I have had horrible hormone episodes 12 out of the past 14 years between July and September. I have also had trouble in the spring.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. I had to withdraw from undergrad and now I'm taking off another semester of law school. I only finished 9 out of 15 credits I attempted last fall. My brain stopped working and I didn't take the finals.

I know about the fatigue too. Are you on any meds for your PCOS???

Twinmommy2008 · 04-12-2006, 07:36 AM

SOunds like depression to me. I suggest seeing your dr, checking out a counsellor and maybe meds if needed. Get written doc to show why you missed last class. I have been there. You have worked TOO hard to get into grad school to quit now. If needed, take med semester off, don't let depression end your career at this point. You may not feel like it now, but you obviously wanted this to begin with. If you get kicked out, it's too late for "What if's..." Acting now can improve your situation.

S-O-C-K-S! · 04-12-2006, 08:19 AM

I really feel for you.

I hope an angel comes into your life to help you.

I have been where you are right now. I was severely clinically depressed and I was also anemic! Having low blood iron maked me so tired I couldn't think clearly and so tired I just wanted to stay in bed all day or just die. Throw depression on top of that and let's just say I was a basket case! I am surprised I did not get fired from my job.

Consider talking to a doctor and see what he/she has to offer. Don't put it off too long, you need help in order to graduate. The mental health field needs more care givers who get what depression is about and how it messes with the mind.

Take care,

Amavin · 04-12-2006, 08:40 PM

you aren't alone in that one hunny. My boyfriend has Social anxiety disorder and he gets himself so worried and so worked up over daily tasks that he has nothing left. He has days he can't get out of bed, he avoids his school work, he has already left Tech school for a Philiosophy major and is now close to failing out of the community college he is at while he finds a 4 year school with the program he wants.

I don't know how to help him, and as I too avoid my own life, I can't really tell him to snap out of it. I'm trying to talk him into getting back on anti-axiety meds, and I am visiting the doctor (today yay) to get something for myself.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, and as you see the pattern yourself, you absolutely have the power to stop it. You aren't weak, you aren't a loser...you're in a period in your life where you need a life boat, Don't be ashamed to grab onto it.

choirmissy · 04-13-2006, 01:56 AM

It sounds a lot like depression/anxiety to me too. I would also talk to your professor. It may not do any could, but it couldn't do any harm to let him/her know that you are really struggling right now.

kelliet · 04-13-2006, 04:19 AM

Is it possible for you to defer from your studies for a while? I have had depression on and off throughout my life. I suspect I might be going through a "spell" at the moment. I understand that feeling in the morning when its time to get up and face the world and all you want to do is crawl back under the covers. Its important at the moment that you stay in touch with your friends. If your not comfortable seeing them because of your weight gain (true friends wont judge you for this) then pick up the phone and give them a call. DONT WITHDRAW COMPLEATLY FROM THE WORLD!!!

Take care of yourself

Kellie

*tinks* · 05-01-2006, 03:31 PM

Hey Toin how are you doing? i hope you've managed to get a few things done and that you're still going.
thinking of you xxxx