timing for me is a sick/cruel joke...

ReneeBeth · 10-02-2005, 05:44 PM

I woke up this morning, and bam...period. First actual one since I lost Ari (May 21st).
October 4th is 1 year since Daniel was born/died, October 15th was Ari's due date. With no use of my right hand, using tampons or even pads is hard, wiping myself isn't easy, so keeping 'clean' will be a task.
Really nice timing my body has.
I didn't need this...not right now.

LaurAnnHere · 10-02-2005, 05:58 PM

I'm so sorry all this is happening to you. I am glad to see you on here. I know you're not really able to type much right now, but I've thought about you a lot and have been worried. I don't have anything to offer you except my thoughts and prayers. That doesn't seem like much right now. (((hugs)))

Pamela · 10-02-2005, 06:28 PM

Aww Renee, I'm sorry. Maybe you could use a spray bottle for awhile to help keep clean.
I hope your hand heals quickly!!!!
((HUGS))

SheriKCMO · 10-02-2005, 07:17 PM

yes, and a couple of shallow baths each day might be nice.

sorry about the bad timing! our poor bodies just don't know when to deal it out.

keep in touch this week... we are all thinking about you and daniel!

hugs!!

ReneeBeth · 10-02-2005, 08:04 PM

Two things I am now thankful for: the percocet I have to help with my fracture pain, because the cramps I now have are so horrible, tylenol is not even touching the pain. And the fact I can drink coffee again, because the caffeine in the coffee helps boost the effectiveness of anything for pain, along with helping the nausea and drowsiness from the percocet.
I'm just in a lot of pain, very bloated, heavy bleeding. I have 'slim fit' tampons, and since they're smaller than normal, I can actually use them easier than normal tampons. Only problem is, my bleeding is fairly heavy, so I have to be sure to wear a liner and change the tampons every 2-3 hours because I'm leaking through them. I hope this period won't be here for 2 weeks...I can tolerate a week, nothing more.

On some side notes: I talked to my soon-to-be-x-husband yesterday. He called to ask me something, and I told him all that was going on. He was nice, and he came over last night. he did the litterboxes for me, did some laundry, did some cleaning and we talked a little (about Daniel and Ari). Since he was being nice, and very civil, I let him sleep on the couch, wash his clothes, and get in a shower when he woke up. He still has no job, has no place to live, staying with friends and such. Before he left this afternoon, he said "You know, I need to tell you something. You were right all along". I asked him what he meant, "You kept telling me the whole problems with us, when I left and messed up, it wasn't because of you (although some of it was me), it was because I have problems, mental/emotional ones. I see that now, and I wish I would have gotten help all those times you told me to. I'm sorry if I made it seem like it was all you, because now I can see I have problems and I need help."
Although it's too little too late, it's nice to hear he can finally admit to his problems. No, we're NOT getting back together or anything of the sort. We agreed that right now, we're both having hard times, and since our divorce won't be final for a few months or so, we can remain civil and help out with whatever we can. He'll help me around the house, in turn I'm letting him keep some stuff here (clothes he's left), use the wash when needed, and have a place to sleep if he ever really needs it. I figure it won't hurt, we're both getting something we need, not using eachother, not being mean, and I suppose it's good that we have an understanding between us now.
I also gave him a bottle of Paxil and Doxepin. He needs them, and I told him until he finds some free mental health programs he can work with, it'll help if he took them. Neither are high doses, and he knows if he starts, you can't suddenly stop taking them. I have enough of both to last him 3-4 months. I feel safer knowing he'll take some meds, he'll be more stable and able to help and such.

Anyway..yeah. I'm still rather "insert bad word here" about things with Nick, but I realized that Nick was just another bleep in a long line of jerks that have come into my life. I guess he's fully out of my life, with time I'll move on, and it helps to know that even Chris, the guy who hated me more than most, agreed that only a heartless jerk would do what Nick did, when he did it. At least Chris has said he was sorry, and he did some crying last night about what he has done. He feels bad, he knows his mistakes...he has stopped blaming me for everything. That helps, in a way. I'm nice, I might not like Chris, but I feel bad that his life is about as miserable as mine is right now. He just needs a job, and some decent friends, and he'll be able to make it.
chris is coming back over tomorrow to do the litterboxes again, vac the upstairs and steps for me, and do some yardwork. In turn for what he's doing, he gets to use my bathroom and such, get clean shaven, cut his hair into something nice, and get some clean/nice clothes so he can go down the street to see if he can get the open job at the gas station.
Again, I'm not doing too much, not letting him back into my life as he was before, but I think at this point, I need the help...and I can see Chris might be a immature kid still, but he's not heartless enough to kick me while I'm down. He misses the boys, too. He said he'll come with me to the cemetery on Tuesday to visit the boys, so I won't have to go alone. I just didn't want to go alone. He's their father, might not be the best, but at least now..he's trying, admiting to mistakes, and apologizing for things he's done.

And yes, typing with 2 fingers is hard, and painful...but I'm doped up on the percocet, this has taken me hours to type, and blah...I just need to blab sometimes.

I downloaded movies, so I'm going to lay here in bed and watch them the rest of the evening. I have 2 kitties in bed to snuggle with, so this isn't too bad...just wish I didn't have to get up every 2 hours to change the tampon

VivC · 10-02-2005, 09:09 PM

((Renee)). I've tried to call a few times, but I get the answering machine. I'll catch up with you eventually!

I'm glad Chris is admitting he needs help. I hope he gets it soon. I'm also glad that he's willing to act like a father (kind of) by visiting the boys with you on Tuesday. I know you want to go, and I was worried it would be too hard to go alone.

But, girlie, if you let him slide back into your life anytime soon (before he gets serious help), I'll come up there and kick his @ss (not yours - I love you too much). I know you don't think this will lead to anything, but I question his motives (I hope I'm wrong). I don't want to see you get hurt again.

((hugs)),

Viv

ReneeBeth · 10-02-2005, 10:04 PM

lol thanks, Viv. I think Chris is just finally feeling bad about what he's done, and feels worse that things for me have been so hard. He knows he's not the best person, maybe he's trying to score some point with the big guy or something. either way, he's not back in my life other than to help me out when my mom is gone and with things she can't do. He knows he left this house a mess, we've done so much to fix it, he owes us big time.
I honestly think he's just trying to be a good person for once. Nothing more.
So no worries, he's only around for what I might need done around the house and such. It's true, legally we're still married..he knows I could add in stuff in the divorce to make him pay and such, so I'm being nice to him in that sense, he's just returning the favor. I'm not a mean person by nature. He has nothing right now, I figure I'll be a nice person and let him know he has a place to shower and wash his clothes and keep his things until he either gets a job and a place to live, or goes back to Cleveland (one or the other will happen by the end of the month).

But man, these cramps are still sneaking past the percocet a little bit. And the bloating..UGH! at least the slim fit tampons aren't uncomfy, and easy to get in/out since I soak through them quickly. I didn't feel like going out to the store today, and who knows if I will tomorrow, so I'm using what I have, which is these things. They'll do fine. The coffee is the secret to helping things not get too bad. I didn't sleep all day again, and didn't get so queazy from the percocet today. I think I might send someone to the store to just get me some instant coffee or something so I don't keep having to run down to the gas station. But having to run there assures that I don't get all hooked on coffee again, and I only have it when I need it enough to be willing to go out and get it. It's good coffee, too. Gets me off my feet for a few, so I suppose running there 1-2 times a day isn't too bad. Coffee in the morning, then one in the evening.

Tomorrow I must remember to go to bank (ugh) and call this therapist the Dr. said I could prolly see the needed 2-3 times a week. Oo..and pay all the bills laying around once I go to bank. And buy some drinks and a little bit of food (tummy isn't happy, so not much food is needed). when my mom gets back from Cleveland, she's going to make me chicken, noodles and veggies so I can have a decent dinner for a while. 1 full meal a day should be fine until my stomach is willing to be nice again.
My thumb hurts. I just finished watching the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Must say, movie sucked

Oh well. Later I'll watch Land of the Dead (new one) and the Family Guy movie. Now downloading Transporter 2 and the Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo to watch tomorrow/later in the week. Also downloading Bully. That movie is very sick and twisted, I've seen it, don't plan on watching it, but saving it just...because it's one of those movies you can't believe was made, and even harder to imagine it was based on a true story.

Call me anytime, Viv. Night is best, I'm home and awake

Don't worry about being late, I'm up late. I'm not a morning person

Pamela · 10-02-2005, 10:29 PM

Renee, I think it's great that you and Chris have come to an understanding!! I think it's good that he is going with you Tues to visit the boys. He should, no matter what has happened, he IS their father. I'm not so sure it's a good idea to give him the medications though. He should find a doc and have the doc prescribe them.
I hope you find a doc tomorrow. And maybe the doc can recommend a grief support group.
Don't let things get out of hand with Chris.
Hang in there.
((HUGS))

CelticSpirit · 10-04-2005, 12:11 AM

Renee,

I've been wondering how you're doing, sweetie. I'm glad to hear that you have some extra help. And if Chris gets out of hand...

We all got your back!

Lean on us anytime you need to. If I lived closer, I'd be over to help you CONSTANTLY! (I know all too well what it's like to be injured, in pain and having AF in town ALL BY MYSELF!)

I'm praying for some brighter days for you, sweetie.