Today sucked!

sunshine071899 · 09-26-2007, 12:27 AM

Today kicked my a**. I want to know what it feels like to have a pregnancy where I carry a healthy baby to full term and they come out kicking and screaming. And to know what its like to have my baby look back at me and give me as much love as I give them. I want to know what it's like to push a stroller down the street and know that the kid in it is mine. I want to know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night to a hungry baby and be able to rock them back to sleep. That has got to be the most rewarding feeling in the world. I want to know what that kind of love feels like. I want to know what it's like to have my kids think of me as a hero, and to be called the greatest mommy ever. I want to hear the words "I love you Mommy". I WANT TO KNOW!!!!
I know it hasn't been long, but to me it feels like a lifetime of pain and misery. I look at myself and my body in the mirror and think "what a failure". I feel like I got everyone's hopes up and couldn't fall through. Sell Out! I know I had no control over it but that's how it feels; I need something to blame. It's so easy to give such excitement to people, but it's so hard to take it back. Each day is a challenge and at night I don't look at it like I've accomplished anything, although that's how I should be looking at it. I look at it like my days on set to 'repeat'. And it's getting old. I try to look for things to keep me busy but each thing is short lived and I can't focus on anything but getting pregnant again. Although I don't know why, I have no control over that either. I know "Just think positive. Have faith. You have to believe". It's easier said then done and all of this comes from people who have never walked a minute in my shoes. I would like those people to spend just one hour in my shoes and then tell me they still have faith, hope and positive thoughts. I don't think anything could be as bad as what I feel day in and day out. 24 hours a day. There is no relief. Who know that taking away your future is so much more painful then taking away your past.
Bad days 1, Good Days 0 - as usual!
Sorry this is so long. I just need to scream and lock myself away until I'm ready to deal with it some more. I am truly happy for those of you who got BFP's. I know I look forward to that day myself. I just hope their's one written in my future.

SheriKCMO · 09-26-2007, 01:30 AM

Girl, I could have written this almost word for word when I was at your stage of grief. I did NOT, however, think there was any reason to think positively or look on any bright side when the absolute worst thing possible had happened. Nothing meant anything to me anymore, because my baby had meant everything to me and my husband, and she was gone. We had to start from scratch and find meaning in the world. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with that, but I'm not religious. I think it is a normal part of deep grief, and to this day I have waves of that feeling. Please don't try to take any comments or advice from the people you are talking about, those without such a loss to live with. They mean well, but even those "positive" things they say can hurt so much.

And I swear the first six months after my baby died took at least one hundred years. It gets easier to bear, I promise. (((Hugs)))

hela · 09-26-2007, 07:21 AM

Laura,

Big hugs to you, I do know how you feel.

Hela xx

mistyl2005 · 09-26-2007, 08:02 AM

Your post just gave me chills. It sounds like you are dealing with things and grieving even though you may think you aren't. I had an early loss and I still had those feelings of failure and "will I ever have children?" questions. It is hard not knowing the future and you do feel like your happy future has been ripped away, your heart yanked out and stomped on and then shoved back in your chest. I still cry about the baby I lost. It was my baby. Other family and friends, don't even acknowledge it and that's okay. I am a Christian and I was so mad at God during that time. I had prayed hundreds of times for my baby and I felt that He had betrayed me and let it die. I told God I wasn't talking to Him anymore and didn't for about two weeks. Everyone grieves differently, and I pray you are able to heal with time. Come to this board and talk away, your cysters are here!

kwannabee · 09-26-2007, 06:21 PM

Oh man

i was just talking about my girls this morning with a co-worker - i remember thinking how can i be talking about them like this when at the time i'd choke up just thinking about them...and then i come and read your post and my skin is goosebumpy.

You know...i remember, not in the same words maybe, but definately the same emotions...posting the same as you...and a cyster named Holly came on (iluvstjohn) and said Kim...on those dark days...i'm sending you my flashlight...cuz it will guide you through that darkness til you get to the end of the tunnel, and you will see light again"...or something like that...

at first i didnt believe her...but i sure thought of that little flashlight a lot...and the support she gave me that really held me up at the worst of times...and i'm passing it on to you now okay? Faith hope all that stuff, yes its important...but these feelings your going through right now...so are they...like Sheri said we can ALL relate to what you just posted -you said it all so well too - and we've all been there and understand...and all i can say is you just never know what the universe has in store for you...but right now...grief and time go hand in hand.
take care and i just wish mere words could help but i know they dont - just know that there alot of cysters who are right there with you...hang in there...

sunshine071899 · 09-27-2007, 12:22 AM

Kwannabee - Thank you for the flashlight. I will shine it bright into the darkness until the light starts to shine back at me. After I wrote this post I went to lunch with my husband (whom which I hide alot of my feels from only because I don't dare upset him when he's having a good day) we all know how precious and needed those good days are. But on my way back to work, I had the radio on and for some reason that is usually when I have flash backs of the whole event. As I was driving I started flashing back to when I found out Dylan had passed (I was by myself) and I had to have the doctor call my husband to tell him to come up to the hospital and the reason why and then she handed me the phone and I remember the confusion and shock in my husbands voice when I was handed the phone and he asked me what does this mean? I started teearing up as I relived those moments when this song came on the radio and I I started to listen to the lyrics. I feel it was a sign from Dylan. I hope it was. But it gave me some comfort. It's Called Lullaby by Shawn Mullins.

Iluvstjohn · 09-27-2007, 12:23 AM

Oh Kim...I knew there was a day that you, too, could pass the torch...

here's that flashlight that helped us get out of the dark place.....in the darkest of days and longest nights....I hope the flashlight will light your way until you see the light at the end of a long long tunnel.....

there is no bright side right now...there are no answers....and there certainly isn't a reason to smile. But you know what....I know that there has to be a reason for this crazy nightmare you are in. I believe that one day, when you are holding your baby in the middle of the night and feeding it....you will sit back and smile and think of Dylan....he'll bring you that baby....and what a lucky baby it will be. To have great parents and a guardian angel.....I hope hope hope you will find comfort until that day (or night) comes.....

may that flashlight shine bright, until you can..
I bet Kim put new batteries in it! LOL
Holly

StormsDreams · 09-27-2007, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iluvstjohn

Oh Kim...I knew there was a day that you, too, could pass the torch...

here's that flashlight that helped us get out of the dark place.....in the darkest of days and longest nights....I hope the flashlight will light your way until you see the light at the end of a long long tunnel.....

there is no bright side right now...there are no answers....and there certainly isn't a reason to smile. But you know what....I know that there has to be a reason for this crazy nightmare you are in. I believe that one day, when you are holding your baby in the middle of the night and feeding it....you will sit back and smile and think of Dylan....he'll bring you that baby....and what a lucky baby it will be. To have great parents and a guardian angel.....I hope hope hope you will find comfort until that day (or night) comes.....

may that flashlight shine bright, until you can..
I bet Kim put new batteries in it! LOL
Holly

Bravo~ I could not have said it any better....a year after my loss......and i still stumble.....i still have not put my sons things away....remember to keep passing that flashlight!
Raven

TechLady77 · 09-27-2007, 03:31 PM

This is really an emotional yet beautiful post. I wish I could be poetic and strong but that's just not me. I'm in denial. It's been 2.5 weeks according to the calendar but it feels like 6 months. I have no healthy way of dealing with these emotions. I simply put them in a box and bolt it shut. I am filling my mind with other things. Replacements I suppose. Filling the hole that now exists. I've never dealt with death before; I had no idea these kinds of holes could exist in someone's soul. What do you do with the hole?? Does it ever fill back up?

Aishah · 09-27-2007, 04:07 PM

Wow hunny I am so moved by your post - it was so raw and deep.

I can't say that I know exactly what you are going through, but my m/c definitely put me in a place very similar. I am so sorry hunny. Use the flashlight from the ladies and count on all of us for support.

::HUGS::

packerfan · 09-28-2007, 01:36 AM

I do not know the pain you've experienced, as devestating as my m/c were, they were nothing like what you've been thru. I do understand your desire for a healthy, kicking, screaming baby and pray you get your wish soon.

Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad, I wish I could tell you when that will be. Hang in there.

kwannabee · 09-28-2007, 03:50 PM

oh my big big big hugs to all of you!!!

Holly - you know i often talk about cysters who say things and they really have no idea of the impact their words made on someone - your post about the flashlight dried up a few tears way back when i must tell you -

i didnt tell it nearly as well as you did...when i have time i will go back and search for it cuz i know i saved it...aimee and dana have since sent me a package from Heaven...my Logan...and who ever could have thought that i'd ever be so happy again...

you are all amazing and if i could have you all sitting around my kitchen table right now we'd be bawling and eating cheesecake...

hugs hugs and more hugs to you all!!

Iluvstjohn · 09-28-2007, 09:13 PM

awww Kim....I knew that Aimee and Dana would pick theeeeee best time and theeee best little man to send your way. I just didn't know when and I didn't know how. But I knew there must be a way and a reason, right? As soon as I saw my Katie....I knew why I had that m/c....sounds so stupid...I know...but I knew that that baby brought me Katie. There was a reason and more so...a purpose. That purpose was Katie. I wish I could explain it better. But.....until then, just know that wonderful wonderful things are about to happen. You are certainly overdue..but live in the anticipation of big glorious wonderful things brought to you by Dylan. I just know it will happen.

I can't wait to read a post from you one day...after you've been sitting up all night feeding your next born. That will be a GREAT day!

sazzifrazz · 09-28-2007, 09:37 PM

I didn't go through nearly as much as you, and it still rocked my world. I have bad moments, not so much bad days anymore. Like you, its often in the car or when I hear a song. A lot of the time its when I log in here. a few times I've checked out the march 2008 preggo board but it just causes me pain. I have to make myself stay away from it. I should be finding out the sex about now, and feeling movements. I get teary thinking about the "what should be". my due date was DS #1's b-day. How perfect, and what a story to tell. But I won't have that hectic day. You will have your day though. I agree with the above poster...I can't wait till you post about how you were up all nightwith your newborn. I think women who M/C appreciate those moments more. We experienced first hand how precious life is and how blessed we are to have experienced that.

justagirlgirlgirl · 10-02-2007, 12:17 AM

Hugs, everyone. I've had some rough days lately too. It gets better and sometimes you almost think you've moved on, and then it hits you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes during those moments I hate my body, hate myself, like I'm a freak of nature that can't do one of the most basic things in life.

Everyday I teach children that belong to other people - I hold their hands, I nurture their spirits, I help build their dreams...and then I send them home. What have I done that I don't deserve a chance to have that for myself?