I don't know why I am here. I guess I just need a place to talk. My wife has PCOS and has had it for years. She is the kind of person who will not share her feelings freely. From time to time I would ask questions about what was going on with her body. She would respond with a short and vague response. I love my wife but I need to know more, like what she is feeling physically and emoutionaly. I am tired of her trying to go through this alone, we are a team and I need more information so we can work together. She may get mad if she finds out I am asking questions on the net (in secret) but I am willing to take that chance. So if anyone can help clue me in I will be grateful. I love my wife and want to be able to help even if it is just understanding her.
I think it's very sweet that you're trying to be so supportive. Basically, all women experience PCOS differently and have many different emotional and physical side effects from it. Somethings that many women with PCOS have is depression and frustration.
I've been diagnosed with PCOS for about 6 years and have just now begun talking about it, I thought I had talked about it more than I did, but come to find out that most of my family didn't even know I had it and those that did, had no idea what it was. I think I just had to figure out how I felt about it and I guess I was in some sort of denial...
Is there anything more specifically that you're wondering about that we can help you with?
Joe, I think it is great that you have gone to such lengths to help your wife. She must be a lucky gal!
PCOS can be very confusing & frustrating for any woman because just as you wanted to know what was going on with her body, so does she! She may be so confused herself about the whole thing (even if she's had it for years) that she finds it difficult to talk about... difficult to put it into words or even know where to start.
Another thing to keep in mind is that some of the symptoms of PCOS can be really embarrasing for women to deal with. Weight, acne, hair growth, hair loss, infertility - even though you are her husband & you love her no matter what, she may still feel too embarrased to want to talk about it.
Every woman deals with PCOS in her own way. I am a MOTORMOUTH to my husband about PCOS... he'd probably ask you how to get me to shut up! JK She may have many reasons for not wanting to talk about it. She may be embarrased about her symptoms, maybe she just grew up in family where personal things like this weren't talked about, maybe she thinks you wouldn't understand, who knows.
I think all you can do is be patient with her. Let her know you are there if she needs to talk but don't be too pushy or try to pry info out of her. She may be building up the courage to talk to you so you just need to create the best environment where she feels comfortable to do so. The best thing my husband does when I don't feel good or I don't feel like talking about something is to say "I really don't understand how you are feeling but I want you to know that I'm here for you anyway for whatever you need".
Don't feel like you aren't doing enough for her. As long as you are showing her that you are concerned for her, that you love her, & that you care about how she is feeling then you are already doing something for her. She may be finding comfort in what you do for her even if it doesn't seem so to you. Good luck to you & your wife! Come back with any questions you have & we'll try to help.
__________________ Natural Family Planning Advocate To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. color="mediumturquoise">~ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. color="mediumturquoise">Me - 23 Dx PCOS August 2006 DH - 25 Dx MS March 2003 Together Since Oct 31, 1998 ~ Married May 22, 2004
BFP!!! 9/20/06 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. First Time Parents! Hoping for a big family... this is our start
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Wow I applaud you for making the effort. I have told my husband about this site and he has no desire to really learn more. I am open and honest with him but I found the easiest way for him to learn was to go to my doctor appointments with me. That way he hears things from the doctor and can ask any questions he wants.
Just reassure her that you love every part of her and part of that is getting to know about her health...
Good Luck
__________________ Me 35 / Brian 36 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Blessed with healthy beautiful ds...10/06 32.5 wks
ttc#2 - 4 rounds of clomid no O
2 rounds of injectibles - bfn
2/08 - IVF... bfp
3/08 - m/c
** Currently spending time soul searching what path to take next.
I want to understand, I want to know all that is going on with her PCOS and everything else. It is just hard sometimes when all she seems to do is push me away. I want to believe it's just the PCOS pushing but can you ever really know. I miss being able to hold her. Now I am a typical man, yes holding leed to kissing and kissing leeds to touching and so on. I would really settle to be able to just hold her and try to make everything O.K. for just that time but the more I try the harder she pushes. I know I should just back off but it gets hard. I do not like seeing anyone unhappy especially my wife and I can't just do nothing.
I have always been a simple person and not wanting much out of life. All that changed when I met my wife. The first day we met at a mutual friends party I spoke the words "If you keep gettiing me beers I will have to mary you". Well I took her home to my appartment (bachlor pad) that night and she hasen't left yet. We have moved twice since had my best friend (son now 8 years old). I know how lucky I am to have her I definetly (married up). Oops, back to my point. There was a time when everything was able to be fixed with a hug and a kiss. I know this is not like that but shouldn't a hug and a kiss at least make things better for a short time? I guess what I am saying is that it hurts to be pushed away and I am looking for any help to find a window to climb through. Thank you for reading and putting up with my tangents but I think it might help you if you know a little more.
here are some suggestions to try based on things my husband has done for me...
-- listen, listen, listen ... how many times has my husband heard me complain about the weight, the hair, the diarrhea from the glucophage? and he always reminds me that it's not all my fault and that i am a victim of a medical condition -- incurable, at that!
-- encourage your wife to find a doctor who specializes in pcos. thanks to my hubby's encouragement, i found a doctor who only treats women with pcos. and he went to every appointment with me and listened to everything the doctor had to say... that really meant a lot to me
--tell your wife she is beautiful every single day -- my husband does and let me tell you.... when you have a syndrome that challenges your femininity every day, this is really important
-- remember that many aspects of this disease are very embarassing -- for me, the worst one is the facial hair... understand that she may need to deal with some things privately
-- read and learn as much as you can about pcos... visiting this web site is awesome and there are lots of great books out there that you can buy fairly cheaply used on amazon....
-- if your financial situation can afford it, take your wife to the pcosa conference in denver or one at some future date. my hubby and i went to the last one in new york and both learned a lot! they have a web site about this if you google it....
in a way, pcos has brought my husband and i closer because i share things with him about it i would be too embarassed to tell even my girlfriends. maybe your wife is not sure how you would react to some of her issues related to pcos so be patient and gently try to build her trust so she will feel more comfortable about sharing.
don't lose hope or give up trying because probably deep down inside, your wife's self-esteem as a woman has been so damaged that she might be afraid sharing who and what she really is might repulse you and/or scare you away.
i can't tell you how hard this disease is on a woman's emotional state of health, let alone her physical health.
obviously you love your wife very much and let that love give you patience and faith in getting through this together. in the long run, it might end up being something that brings you closer....
good luck and hang in there. so many women on this site are terrified to be intimate, physically and emotionally, with you on her side, i know your wife can triumph over pcos in her own way! it just might take time.....
She might be dealing with depression that isn't recognized. It's a rarely discussed symptom of PCOS. If she is suffering silently with depression, addressing that might help to allow her to open up to you about the other issues.
Joe - as a woman with PCOS who has an incredibly supportive husband, I can tell you from my own experience that taking this first step to learn more about PCOS and how it affects your wife is one of the best things you can do.
My best suggestion to you is to spend what time you have to learn as much as you can - not just about PCOS, but about all the pieces that make it the struggle that your wife is dealing with....the hair growth, depression, weight gain, acne...the list just goes on. There is some incredible information on SoulCysters not only in the articles and publications available for you, but in the women and families that post on this site. Read the posts...read what these women go through and learn from them...that is your best source of information.
Let your wife know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk. Let her know you are in love with her, attracted to her and supportive of her. Let her know you are researching and wanting to know more...to understand, to help her, to support her. PCOS can be a scary thing for a woman...I know I was confused, upset, scared and just overall angry at first...I knew so little back then. But from the moment I was diagnosed, my husband played a vital role in learning to understand and live with PCOS. He attended appointments, read articles on the internet, joined this site. When I knew he wanted to be involved, I was able to let him.
Don't give up, Joe. You are a wonderful man to take this first step. Now just let her know, and invite her to join as well. Maybe it would help her to see and know that there are so many other women out there who are going through what she is. I do agree with Kat - I think she is struggling with depression...but that is very common and your support may be what she needs to get some help.
Don't be afraid to reach out to us here...ask questions - there are NEVER too many questions. If you don't feel comfortable asking them publicly, send a PM to someone you feel comfortable with. We are all here to support one another...men and women.
You will make it through...together.
__________________ Laurie (33) hubby Jeff (37) angel Hannah (4)
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I think it's incredible that you're working so hard to support your wife--you are to be congratulated for your efforts!
As far as my first guess as to why she might be pushing you away, Kat beat me to it--depression, especially if she's newly diagnosed.
It may just be plain insecurity, especially if her body's changed recently. Do you tell her how beautiful she is at least as often as you did when you were dating. Even though I don't always believe my husband, I still feel better hearing him compliment me. Like most of the guys mentioned, he's moderately involved (he listens, he'd go to appts if I ever asked, he lets me spend ridiculous amounts of money on my symptoms like hair loss, etc.,) but isn't interested in the emotional side that much.
Once again, kudos to you, and there's no such thing as too many questions!!
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Joe,
I want to say what a great husband you are for your incredible drive to help your wife.
I completely agree with the cysters who said your wife may be depressed. I tend to withdraw when I am having my most depressed days. I take prozac and that helps a lot.
I think that your wife will see that you are going to great lengths to learn about her PCOS, to help her, to listen to her. I really think that will draw her to you.
Don't give up, this will make the two of you stronger and closer. We're here to help any way we can.
And we don't mind "tangents", so say whatever you want!
Best wishes
Jenny
__________________ Jenny(30) Josh (30) married 3/30/96
PCOS dx 1/03
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It's hard to say I love so much and I know see love me, I'm just getting frustrated with the lack of physical contact. I seems like a struggle to just hold each other. I know that one of the side affects is lack of sex drive but sometimes I just want to hold her (I sound like a woman). I need that physical contact for myself and I know she needs it to, sometimes to just feel safe and good about ourselves.
If she knew I was on her and talking about things like this she would be so mad at me at first. Then she would understand that all I am trying to do is make our lives better. I still feer the day she find out about this. I know she (none of you women) didn't ask for this but I wouold do anything to make things better. I'm still trying to be a better husband and friend without being able to have any physical contact, I'll just have to find other ways to make her feel the love and safe. When I find some I will let you know and I will find some.
Please keep thinking and praying for us there can't be too much of that.
Joe - you and I have talked about this and all the hopes and wishes you have to make the life you and your wife have together stronger and closer. I cannot tell you enough that as your friend, I am so proud that you are talking...to me, to everyone on this board, to your wife.
I know that you have so much to say to your wife...so many questions about not only PCOS, but about her, her feelings, and your relationship. As I told you today, the best push I can give you is to communicate what you are feeling and wanting to her as much as you can. Ask the questions...voice your concerns...enforce to her that you are there to support her and love her every step in your lives together. You have so many questions...don't let the fear of what the answers are stop you from talking to her. Although the answers are not always what we want we hear, they also present opportunity. Talk...listen. Communication is critical in a marriage - you have to talk openly and honestly with your wife.
Joe - you and your wife both deserve to have the most incredible love that life can bring you...together. Talk to her, Joe...don't be afraid. She is your lifemate - your partner - your best friend. Don't let fear stop you from doing everything possible to share with your wife what you both want in the relationship. Be strong...trust...talk.
You have alot of support here...and you know you have it from me, your friend. Keep talking Joe...
__________________ Laurie (33) hubby Jeff (37) angel Hannah (4)
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Joe~I think it is amazing that you have taken the initiative to work on this and research etc. Bravo!
I don't know if any of the other cysters addressed this so bear with me if it is repetitive I have found with pcos that my self-esteem hits all-time lows. . . so bad that I can't look in the mirror and won't leave the house. At those times, I have trouble letting anyone near me. When I was married, I wouldn't even let my husband touch me b/c I felt repulsive and didn't want to repulse him and also I was worried that the 'cuddling' would in fact, become sexual. When it becomes sexual then there is a whole other can of worms opened and more insecurities to be addressed ie. is he looking at my huge belly? what about the extra hair?. Your dear wife may be feeling so low about herself that she reflects it onto you. . . and she pushes you away. It is easier than to get hurt. We women, in general, are rough on ourselves. . . and some pcos symptoms can cause us to really feel 'unwomanly'. Then we have the worry that our significant other will notice these 'abnormal' things and think that very same thing. I have heard time and again that most men don't notice the things that we notice and hate about ourselves, that they are just really very happy to have their naked love next to them (please no one take offense to this).
I wish you all the luck and keep up the good work on being the best hubby you can be. Your wife is a lucky woman
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Okay, TMI, but I think I'm reading that the biggest issue for you two is the lost intimacy. I hope I'm not off base b/c I'm going to spill my personal life out in a second...
I've lost interest in sex all together. I don't know why, I guess it's a hormone problem. I don't know how to fix it. Some things about how I feel at times may help you. I don't know. Remember, this is totally selfish and from my perspective.
1. Sometimes I don't even want my DH to touch me, especially if I'm feeling hot (another hormone issue), fat, or I'm depressed about something. I like him to rub my back and not pressure me. If I start to feel he is rubbing my back in hopes of having sex I will pull further away. Sometimes if he rubs my back and I start getting comfortable, it can lead to sex, but he better not jump to fast or he could ruin it. He has to let me make the move, and often I don't.
2. Asking for sex or other forms of intimacy can repel me. I could be "in the mood" and he'll say something stupid like "Can't you just touch it for a minute?" and the mood is dead. Since these moments are few and infrequent, it's sad for both of us when they are ruined.
3. I feel so guilty about not wanting to have sex. I feel broken. I feel like I'm not a real woman. I feel like a bad wife. I feel worse b/c I know my DH thinks he repulses me. He doesn't. I repulse me.
4. It's not all about my appearance, but I can't understand how my DH could possibly find me appealing. I don't know how anyone could. Often I feel uncomfortable when my DH tells me how sexy I am. Suddenly, I'm thinking about all the unsexy things about me. I'm fat, have acne, have to shave and tweeze, I'd go on, but I'll sum it up with, I don't really think I have any good physical attributes. Sometimes I feel like he's lying, though in my heart I know he isn't. He doesn't see the same thing when he looks at me that I see when I look in the mirror.
Okay, so what are some things that make me feel good? Once my DH came home and told me I smelled good. It was something I don't remember him saying before, but it made me happy. He wasn't trying to do anything to me, or grab my boobs, he just said it. That might not work on your wife. Maybe you always tell her she smells good. Find something that you've never said or done before. Expect nothing in return. Little unexpected surprises can make a woman happy. I miss my DH bringing me flowers. It's not fun when it's all the time, but a little vase of Daisies a card when there's no special occassion is really great. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. One of those free email flash cards would be fine.
Too many Questions 
good luck 
Keep talking 
