Too scared

Mindijean · 05-07-2006, 01:03 AM

Am I the only woman on the planet who's just too scared to even try to get pregnant again? Not that it will happen anyway, since it took me 17 years to get pregnant this time, but....

It's been 4 months since my m/c, and I still have nightmares about it. I spent hours yesterday crying, begging Mark (my DH) to just let us adopt and not go through a pregnancy again. Am I giving up too soon? Maybe I'm just not as brave as most women?

saluki_fan · 05-07-2006, 01:32 AM

Mindi.

Every woman is different, and if you aren't ready or wanting to TTC, that's just how it is, and you shouldn't try to rush yourself. The fact that you are embracing adoption is a sign that you are ready to be a PARENT, whether or not you are ready to be PG again.

You are one of the bravest women I (virtually) know - it must take an incredible amount of strength and bravery to be a foster parent.

enits · 05-07-2006, 05:18 AM

Mindi, you're not the only who is scared. It is TERRIFYING to even think about trying again after losing a baby. After what you have been through, it is only natural to feel this way. And you are very, very brave, don't even think otherwise. Just let the emotions in and try to handle them as rationally as possible. I think there will be a time when making the right decision will come to you and you'll feel comfortable about it, no matter how scary it may be.

DiamondInTheRough · 05-07-2006, 06:04 AM

You aren't alone. I am terrified personally, and I HAVE been trying for the last couple of cycles or so. I thought the fear would lessen once I jumped into it, but alas it is there more then ever. Even though I have had one successful pregnancy (although it was an extremely difficult, complicated, high-risk nine months), my first pregnancy which was a loss is always in my mind.

I'm afraid of the struggle of conceiving, if/when that happens. More afraid of how I will carry that baby, because of my IC issues, and just petrified over the idea of hospitalized bedrest again. I'm most afraid over the baby's health and wellness (since my living child was born with some congenital birth issues).

I think we all have to take things one step at a time. Don't let outside opinions pressure us into doing something we aren't ready for (and may never be ready for). In the end, it is the woman's body, mind, and soul that will bear all. Let it be her decision, also.

TracyW2 · 05-07-2006, 11:14 AM

I was mortified for a year. I was so consumed with the m/c, that was all I could think about. I even went through a time where I knew there was no way I could possibly go through that heart ache again.

*pg mentioned*

But I did finally and am happy and will hopefully be holding my little boy in less than a week.

~tracy

SABTeacher · 05-07-2006, 04:00 PM

Mindi,

I was the same. I jumped right into it after my first m/c, but after the second, I decided to take off some time for RPL testing. I thought it would be 4-6 months. I wound up taking off a FULL YEAR! I'm glad I did it. I just wasn't ready to jump back into things quickly. I needed time to heal emotionally and physically.

Do what feels right for you. But, if you see that you just keep putting it off, realize that it's probably fear that's making that decision. When I went back to TTC in March, I still was so scared to do it even after a year. I had to put that little scared voice on the back burner and just do it.

Good luck,
Shari

Mindijean · 05-07-2006, 06:54 PM

Thank you, you guys.

One of the problems is that I (we) feel like it's now or never. I just turned 38 a few weeks ago and I feel like I have to TTC now or forget it. And I KNOW if I were to get pg now, I'd spend 30+ weeks being scared to death, having panic attacks, and not having an enjoyable pregnancy. Not to mention how horrible that anxiety would be on the baby!

I know my doctor is going to be calling me soon, wanting to start me back on Clomid if I'm not pg this cycle. I (we) just don't know if we want to go through this again.

Quite honestly, if I (we) had the same thing happen the next time around, I would lose my mind. I came pretty darned close the last time. And my husband can't get that day out of his mind either...he had to carry his son through the hospital after helping me deliver him at home. Here's a link to Daniel's story.....

Daniel's story

I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.

sugarhoney · 05-07-2006, 08:32 PM

Mindy,
NO your not the only one that is scared! I had a miscarriage in 2003 and im scared to death to get pregnant again although i love the thought of holding a little bundle of joy! Take your time and when your ready the time will come!!

Shannon

MoesMom · 05-07-2006, 09:11 PM

Mindy, you're not alone in this. I had a m/c 3 years ago and have been ttc off & on since then. Finally able to start ttc w/meds last month and while I keep hoping this will be the month for the BFP, it's still in the back of my mind that a bfp doesn't always lead to happiness. Just do what feels right to you but don't let fear guide you.

karney · 05-07-2006, 10:10 PM

Mindi , I totally understand how you feel. It took us 20 years to finally get PG to only have him taken away after 22 weeks . Eventhough we are TTC again ,I want a baby so bad that now, I still think about what if it happens again and how will we take it , but if I don't try now ,later will be too late .I am 41 now and I don't have much time left . You have to make your own decisions and what ever you decide it will not be wrong . I have read some of your other posts and how you took in foster kids,especially after the loss of your baby. This shows that you would be a wonderful mother either biological or adopted . You have shown me just how strong a person can be . Just rember we are here for you no matter what .
Karen

saluki_fan · 05-07-2006, 10:19 PM

Mindi. I had not seen the post with Daniel's story, I don't think. I'm glad you put the link to it here.

I don't know what else to say, except that I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

ETA: I would like to share something about the recurrent losses. DH and I decided to TTC again and I was afraid a 2nd loss would push me over the edge. It wasn't pleasant, but it made me even more determined. The third loss just made me cynical (well, more cynical than I already was.) If these losses taught me anything, it was that I'm much tougher than I ever had dreamed.

Mindijean · 05-08-2006, 05:13 PM

Thank you everyone. Your words make me a little less scared.....still not sure where we're going from here, but I really think we were meant to be parents, whatever way we become them!

Macysmom · 05-08-2006, 06:27 PM

Dear Cysters,

My heart literally aches for every one of us who has had to go through the heartwrenching pain of a miscarriage/miscarriages.

It took my DH and me 10 years to finally become pregnant and then we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I can't even begin to tell you how devasting that was after trying for SO long and I know that each of you totally understand.

I had taken clomid off and on for SEVERAL YEARS and NEVER ovulated with it. Then in 2002, after 13 years of TTC, my OB/GYN told me about the trials going on with Femera (or letrazole) and that it was quite successful in women with PCOS. He asked me if I wanted to try it. I was SOOOO apprehensive at first because of trying for so long and then losing our first baby. But I was 38 going on 39 and thought if I was going to try anything else, I'd better get started.

The femera helped to balance out my hormones and produce a much more mature egg and I became pregnant again. It was strange how I could be so excited, yet terrified, at the same time. I prayed several times a day for this baby and did deep breathing exercises to help calm my nerves.
On May 17th, 2003 our dreams finally came true and our daughter, Macy Nicole, was born.

I know it is SO hard to try again after a miscarriage. I didn't ever want to go through that horrible grief again. But now when I tuck our little sweetheart in bed every night, I'm so grateful that God that he gave me the strength and courage to keep trying because without that, our Macy wouldn't be here. And all it took was a drug OTHER THAN the clomid that all of the doctors kept putting me on. The femera made my eggs much more viable. For me, I know that the femera was the key because last summer, once again I became PG on my own and had another miscarriage at 12 weeks. Without the femera, my eggs truely do not mature enough to become a good solid pregnancy. Maybe that could be a possiblity for some of you other cysters as well, which is why I wanted to share my story with you. My OB/GYN (who is VERY knowledgable about PCOS) said that is very common for PCOS patients.

I truely hope this gives you some hope if you are thinking of trying again.

Sincerely,

Macysmom

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 05-08-2006, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saluki_fan

...
ETA: I would like to share something about the recurrent losses. DH and I decided to TTC again and I was afraid a 2nd loss would push me over the edge. It wasn't pleasant, but it made me even more determined. The third loss just made me cynical (well, more cynical than I already was.) If these losses taught me anything, it was that I'm much tougher than I ever had dreamed.

I second that!

I am afraid but, I'm more determined than ever now. Giving up is not an option for me.

Everyone of us is different though, you will make the right choice for you.

Amavin · 05-08-2006, 08:18 PM

I am lucky enough to be in a position where i can't TTC. I am in the middle of a divorce and just about to move in with the DBF. We aren't ready and it's kind of a relief. I lost Elizabeth at 17 weeks, and i was only 16.

I know in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. I was born to be a mother. And I will TTC again, when I'm ready, but there will always be that fear in the back of my mind, what if? How can I survive this time? How will this affect DBF? on and on and on.

I'm just too scared to try again now, but I know I will someday.