In Total Denial

JulesInTexas · 06-09-2009, 06:22 PM

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that we don't get to keep this baby. I haven't started bleeding yet and I think that's the hardest part. I guess I just always had it in my head that a miscarriage meant I would be bleeding when I found out, not testing my beta levels and when they weren't doubling or even coming close to doubling, that would be the start of this process. And that puts me in total denial that it is even happening and gives me hope that there is a chance that maybe something was wrong with all the tests and I'm not going to miscarry.

I can't concentrate on anything and I go to the bathroom at work fearing that the bleeding starts while I am here and how do I walk back out of the bathroom and just sit back down at my desk for the rest of the day.

My DH and I went to a play this weekend and I told DH - Baby Nugget has already been to a first play! Everything we've done the last week I'd tell DH that it was Baby Nugget and I doing it and then we'd smile at each all goofy.

I go back in to the doctor tomorrow to get more bloodwork done and all I think in my head is that they call me tomorrow afternoon and I'm sitting at work and they tell me that my beta levels miraculously started to double and this pregnancy still has a chance. I know it's not going to happen, but I think it in my head just the same...that small glimmer of hope that this really isn't happening.

AnotherDreamer · 06-09-2009, 06:39 PM

(*HUGS*) I am sorry hun. I mean, there may be a chance, but I know what you mean about being in total denial. With my first loss, it did start out with bleeding... no question there, I was losing the baby. The second one though... I had a little bleeding, had an U/S, saw the sac... still hope. The bleeding stopped. I went back a week later, it grew a little bit, but not enough. The next week, the placenta had detached and there was no question... it was over. I spent two weeks in denial, waiting and hoping that things would change. I finally just had the doctor prescribe something to get it over with, because I just couldn't handle it for another week. I had already spent two weeks in that place between hope and mourning. It was so hard.

I am so sorry you're going through this (*hugs*)

MrsK0515 · 06-09-2009, 06:43 PM

I'm so sorry. I can sympathize with you completely. I didn't bleed for 2 weeks after I got that horrible phone call from the RE's office saying it was officially over and everyday I lived in terror that today would be the day. At that point, I just got angry and thought, if I can't have my baby, then can we please get this over with??

It does get easier over time, I promise you. Good luck to you and hugs from someone who has been there.

atra1781 · 06-09-2009, 11:03 PM

I understand what it feels like to not know what is going to happen and when. With my ectopic, I kept hoping and praying that it would all be over soon. The sooner it was over, the sooner my DH and I could move on. I would be lying if I hadn't hoped and prayed some type of miracle would happen and everything would be okay. After the shot of methotrexate, it hit more than ever because at that point, I knew what the medicine was doing to that tiny "being" inside of me that we wanted so badly but just didn't get to the spot it was supposed to.

I am so very sorry for your loss. No words can describe how you are feeling right now and no words of sympathy will take the pain away. Just know that so many of us have (unfortunately) been in your shoes and if you need anything at all, we know how you are feeling right now.

Missyinbama · 06-10-2009, 11:23 AM

I'm so sorry. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) This is a very confusing time, we are all here for you.

JulesInTexas · 06-10-2009, 01:45 PM

Thank you for sharing your stories ladies. I wish you didn't have them to share, but it did make things easier last night.

I no longer have any denial on what is happening. I started spotting late last night and am bleeding very heavily now.

Jessieb · 06-10-2009, 02:56 PM

So sorry for your loss Jules. I'm still bleeding from mine and while it does get easier, I won't lie that it's still hard for me. DH and I made a lot of plans in that week and it's hard to not have that anymore. This weekend we found the little onesie that I bought for our baby and it hit me just as hard all over again. Hang in there. We're here if you need us.

dstaiger · 06-10-2009, 05:53 PM

Jules - i'm so sorry for your loss. with my first m/c i found out at an u/s that showed the hb had stopped. i didn't believe the dr. i wouldn't do the d&e and went home still hoping things would work out. it took three weeks for me to start bleeding. it was purgatory - it was hell.
i'm sorry your had to feel that way.

ttc374 · 06-16-2009, 01:01 AM

I am so sorry for your loss Jules. It really sucks that you are going through this. I know how hard a miscarriage is, mine was 6 weeks ago and I am still having a really hard time with it.

JulesInTexas · 06-16-2009, 11:53 PM

It's like my body hates me...first my beta levels refused to double and now they refuse to go down. I had a message when I finally got home from work and I have to call in the morning to schedule a procedure. I assume it's a D&C. Anybody have any experience with this? I have been doing searches on the forums and can't find anything and I'd rather get cysters experiences than random message boards I find on google.

JessieB - I found a Father-to-be card the Sunday before I started to miscarry and it was perfect for my DH. I still can't decide if I write up something from Baby Nugget and give it to him or if I stick it somewhere and look at it when I'm sad.

Thanks again to everybody for your thoughts and prayers. When I get really sad at work, I come on here and read all the replies and it helps.

dstaiger · 06-17-2009, 10:46 AM

my d&e was 10 years ago, but i'm happy to share my experience with you if it helps.
i'd know for a few weeks that the baby had died but refused to give up hope.
i started having bad cramps at 3am. i was young and didn't know what was happening so i took a hot bath as that always helps with menstral cramps. i laid in that tub for two and a half hours. i felt better but when i sat up to get out of the tub pushed out large amounts of blood and tissue. i called my ob and they told me to go to an office i was unfamiliar with as my dr lived close and could come in for an emergency procedure. i got there at 7am wearing multiple pads to catch the blood. i guess the thing that struck as the most ironic was the consent form saying there was a slight threat to my well-being - i already felt like i was dying. they took my to a room and as i waited they brought in a machine that looked like a food processor with a dentists vacuum attached. they put in the speculum and began sucking out the gestational sac (that had continued to grow over the last three weeks even as the baby was absorbed.
i remember the panic attack and how i hyperventilated as they gave me a needle to calm me. i wouldn't sit still. after what seemed like hours but in reality was another 10 minutes it was over.
afterward, as a result of the shot they gave i had possibly the worst cotton mouth ever. i just wanted a drink and even though they told me no, when they left the room so i could get dressed i went over the sink and slurped down just a tiny bit of water (bad idea). that brought on the vomiting...
once i was dressed and had cleaned myself of my own vomit i was taken to separate room this a big lazy-boy recliner and told to sit and relax for 1 hour before i was cleared to go home.
i napped for the rest of the morning. my mother came over and took me to friendly's for lunch. she believes ice cream can fix any bad day.
i hate ice cream.

s~tyro · 06-17-2009, 12:08 PM

I'm so sorry.

I completely understand that Father's day will be sad. My husband gave me a Mother's day card after we lost our baby. He found the perfect card and wrote a message to me. Plus, he put a note from the dog, the bunny, and the baby in the card too. I sobbed like a baby when he gave it to me, but I also treasured it.

p.s. We still give eachother Mother's/Father's day cards and celebrate together...even though we still don't have a living child...just our furbabies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulesInTexas

It's like my body hates me...first my beta levels refused to double and now they refuse to go down. I had a message when I finally got home from work and I have to call in the morning to schedule a procedure. I assume it's a D&C. Anybody have any experience with this? I have been doing searches on the forums and can't find anything and I'd rather get cysters experiences than random message boards I find on google.

JessieB - I found a Father-to-be card the Sunday before I started to miscarry and it was perfect for my DH. I still can't decide if I write up something from Baby Nugget and give it to him or if I stick it somewhere and look at it when I'm sad.

Thanks again to everybody for your thoughts and prayers. When I get really sad at work, I come on here and read all the replies and it helps.