Totally deflated...again...

kwannabee · 04-22-2004, 11:28 AM

Sometimes i really think i'm doing better. I have my girls pictures which is more then alot of you have and i cant imagine not having them...and i try to be greatful for the fact that i held them, kissed their faces, played with their fingers...cuz i know alot of moms havent been that lucky.

But every time i feel like i've taken a step forward, like being able to smile when i think of them instead of crying, or walk by their picture without having to grab and rub it...something or someone says something that just takes me right back to those first days when i was a numb shell of pain and anger and now i feel like i just want to scream with the unfairness of it all.

I feel like my friends, my family, sometimes even hubby have forgotten what i went through, like they just feel enough time has gone by and i should be 'back to normal'...that i will be just automatically happy for another's successful pregnancy considering what I went through...surely i wouldnt want THEM to go thru what i did now would I !

No i dont, but why do they get to keep their baby and i dont!?? Why can someone else have so many complications and turn out okay and i can deal with less then they did but not have my babies...

why am i such a terrible person to have these thoughts in my head like i want them to suffer like i did, thats its not fair there can be so much joy around me when i've been so jipped.

I just know i could NOT say these things out loud to anyone...i'm sorry you get the brunt of it but last night was hard and i feel like i'm starting all over again and its all so overwhelming.
My 4 yr old told me i'm the best mommie he's ever had, he hugs me at night and tells me he'll 'never let me go', and i'm so greatful to have him in my life...and yet i think afterwards my baby girls should have grown up to do the same thing...i just miss them.

Mera · 04-22-2004, 12:49 PM

*hugs*

They will never be forgotten because they will forever live in your heart.

How in the he!! are you supposed to "get back to normal" after something like this? People need to understand that you just don't get up and walk away when a piece of your soul has been taken. You just take care of yourself and mourn at your own speed. Keep hugging your 4 year old and remember what a great mom you are!

Devi · 04-22-2004, 02:33 PM

Oh Kim, your post brought tears to my eyes for I have felt the same things that you are feeling along with having the same the response from family and friends.

Just last night I got news of my DH's cousin having her baby and they sounded so happy....unconciousily I touched my tummy and thought to myself that I would be in the home stretch right now and we would be just as happy....but reality hit me and my stomach was flat and empty with no babies.

I am happy for them just sad for myself.

Last night I took some time and looked at my little ones pictures again and I was so thankful to have them. They were perfect in every way which I am sure that your girls were.

I had to go through two separate losses with my trio, at first I lost my son (baby A) then a week later they had to induce me because of an infection within my uterus from baby A's placenta, then I gave birth to my daughter (baby B) and my other son (baby C). It is hard to say what the official cause of our losses were but I know it was due to PTL and IC. I also feel that more could have been done to save my babies but because I was not near enough to the viable stage (23 weeks) the hospital did not do much.

On the flip side, I never thought I would conceive and I did. So there is hope for all of us here in this forum.

Kim, you are not alone, be gentle with yourself and take the little steps you need to prepare yourself to move on.....

In my culture, we believe that children choose their parents, and that they sometimes only have a short time on earth before they need to become Angels. That's how my priest explained it to us and that gives me strength. Because not one choose us but three.....

You are in my thoughts and maybe your girls have met my trio in heaven and they are looking down on us hoping that there Mums know that they love us dearly and needed to touch our lives one last time before they went on to become Angels.

If you feel like chatting, please PM me.

Devi

carmella · 04-22-2004, 11:30 PM

Oh Kim, I feel so much for you. This past week I have been going through the same thing. I thought I was doing so good, but lately I just start crying out of no where and I can't stop. I feel like such a terrible person because I through kind of a b!+@# fit when my brother asked my mother & I to throw his wife a baby shower (she's due the same week I would have been). I shouldn't begrudge them a shower (I don't think they should have asked me of all people to help, but they don't know the pain). I'm so tired of being jealous of pregnant women, new born babies, heck I'm even jealous of ovulating people, I want to stop, but I can't.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway, sending you Big HUGS and lots of prayers.

carmen

kwannabee · 04-23-2004, 10:16 AM

Thanks girls...and Carmen its so nice to hear from you again...i wondered where you dissapeared to!

Well i've squished the spirraling emotions back into its box until the next time it spills out again, but i sure appreciate all your support.

I can relate to the frustration and everything even about people who ovuluate and have periods...i'm sitting here thinking ohhhh if i could only get painful cramps and bleed for at least a week like everybody else then i'd be so happy...how sick is that!

I had a scheduled appointment yesterday with my ob anyway and she commented how better i looked and seems to be coping, and at that moment i was...color in face, able to smile, joke around a bit, focus on myself...it was just too much work to explain to her that 24 hours before that i was a quivering mess...so i didnt even bother.

So i'm trying...one hour at a time.
Thanks again girls...you are all more help then you'll ever know.