The truth

cystsBgone · 04-22-2005, 09:35 PM

This is what I'm dealing with and some days i feel like all i can do is sleep it off.

~ my brother is a registered sex offender, on the mEgab's Law website (yes I live in California)
~ going through PT for my back
~ tryng to get the courage to throw the Vicodin down the garbage disposal
~ cannot for the life of me stop smoking cigarettes
~ Hitting issues in therapy wondering idf i should let them go or deal with them, and if it's it's the latter, not sure I have the strength
~ living at my mom's house with the brother

The positive things are that we have support around our neighborhood

Don't care too much what you will think of me I so associate myself with being a horrible person b/c I'm living w/a registered sex offender. I have somuch shame, not all of this is going to be solved, but i can't take much more either. I can maintain, been doing it for years, I thin sooner or latet I'm going to have to break away. I get asked out from this guy at Pt, SOOO positive, then I come home to a toxic environment. I was going to call my therapist, but ya know NO ONE can do anything to help me, I'm just at my wit's end tonight, and my brother makes my heart race, I smoke more, b/c I cannot handle it all. He needs help so bad, and is a drama KING and is so miserable i just want OUT

Thanks for listening, this was very bold of me to share this, but it had to ome out, when he yells and shows his temper i want OUT and AWAy, but I'm stuck.
Not doing so hot right now. Pain is pain, and we're all going through various things that are causing u depression, I emailed my friends and told them what I'm writing here, reaching out for some sort of help. I emailed T.D. Jakes and Joyce Meyer a prayer request for all of this. My brother is a recluse, and I'm his therapist in his eyes and so is my mom. I'm 34 and ashamed that I don't have my own place like i did since I was 18, with all the health problems and then the emotional problems, it's just too much.

I'll stop here think I said enough. I feel like crap, why was I born into this wicked-cursed family, EXCEPT for my mother who is an absolutr angel. How can I handle this? Do I need to go to a shelter? I know...only I can decide, but y'all are important to me and I am ok in sharing with you what I just did.

I'm embarrassed, but my brother is the one who committed the crime and it's pure hell around here.
Don't now what else to say
I can't even volunteer with kids b/c of the address. I'm tapping into ALL avenues to get help and support and SC is one of the best, even though this isn't PCOS related.
*sigh* NOT a good night.
Luv ya all!
And thank you for reading if you did, Im really in a tough spot and trying to figure out what I'm going to do. There's so much more to this story, but no need to go further, just so sad and I need to separate my brotner's crap from mine. I DID NOT COMMIT THE CRIME

all I can do is cry it is sick and he is sick!

Dear Jesus please poor your annointing on me Pslam 91, No weapon formed against me shall prosper, I'm putting on the armour of righteousness--anything I can do to get past this. I beieve God and I receive your safety. Guard me and protect me from harm.....

TickledPink · 04-22-2005, 10:23 PM

Seems like you have a very toxic living arrangement and you need out.

I think as far as therapy goes you need to be open and honest about everything, it's the only way to move through ALL your problems.

(((((hugs)))))

Adoption Momma · 04-22-2005, 10:28 PM

I posted on your other thread but I'm wondering...you said your mom is a wonderful person so why are the two of you having to suffer and compromise your home for him? Shouldn't he be the one to leave?

TickledPink · 04-22-2005, 10:29 PM

Yeah just wondering if there is a reason your brother is there?

cystsBgone · 04-23-2005, 12:01 AM

Thank you so much cysters for posting, I feel so screwed up as a person sometimes, I feel alone when I talk about my brother. It is a very touchy subject with anyone! Since turning my life over to God, I have had so many revelations, and I do believe all of what is happening concerning that as I was just eating dinner, I thought to myself, "So, when I lost my temper, this is how OTHERS felt"...and I swore tonight to myself that I would NEVER raise my voice or get angry ever again. I was raised in a family where there was a lot of anger, yelling, cussing, and voice raising, and I carried that into my adulthood up until precisely the past few years, the last few months have been smooth, but it just got me thinking, that God is truly working in my life, providing me revelations about what needs to be changed in me. I should have kept my mouth shut, but it's ok, I posted it. I wonder the exact same thing you guys, why is he here? My mom loves us both so much that she just doesn't have it in her to kick him out on the streets, I don't know what goes on in her heart. I guess b/c you know what happens when SO's try to find a place to live....our neighborhood probably is the only thing that is stopping picketers! They've known us all since the early 60's when my brother was born, the fire chief spoke at a nearby elementary school explaining the whole situation, and that my brother is harmless b/c of his physical handicap. I just pray that I can let go, and let my family take care of their own stuff, mind my own, and take care of what I need to do to live a more productive, happy, fulfilling life. I just wanna be free-it brings me to tears.

jnalowd · 04-23-2005, 12:14 AM

Praying for you! (((hugs)))

cystsBgone · 04-23-2005, 12:23 AM

Thank you (((hugs)))

LaurAnnHere · 04-23-2005, 12:37 AM

I wrote your on your other one, but I agree that it is your brother who should be suffering the consequences of his actions, not you or your mother. If your mother doesn't have the strength to tell him to find his own way in the world and let you have peace in yours then I think you must find a way to get out of there. It is obviously tearing you apart and becoming more than you can handle emotionally. I don't know if money is the reason you're sticking around that kind of enviroment, but know that no matter the circumstances there is always a way out. If you can't afford to live on your own check out the colleges or even put a situation wanted ad in the paper and try to find someone who is looking for a roomate. If you need help problem solving you have definately come to the right place.

konzter · 04-23-2005, 12:56 AM

I just wanted to write a quick note. I really don't know what to say about your living arrangements, but I want you to know that my best friend is also a sex offender. I have tons of people who judge and think I am crazy being friends with him but sometimes you have to put aside others judgements and do what you feel is best for YOU! Not for anyone else, but for YOURSELF! I hope that your brother has gotten help for what he did and is doing ok. My friend is current serving 10 years in prison and will be out in 2012. All I know is people can change! My friend is the strongest Christian I know now. He has totally turned his life over to God and is an amazing person.

Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you!

cystsBgone · 04-23-2005, 01:09 AM

God (hugs to both of you) you'll never know how much it means for people to talk to me about this, and online! I agree that it is my brother who should be suffering the consequences of his actions, not me or my mother. It is a sad situation. I am broke, busted, and disgusted tonight, been doing better but tonight that's where I'm at. I thought about putting up a notice in my church. Thanks for reassuring me that I've come to the right place to problem solve, I also didn't realize in being myself and honest and sharing this that I would get so much help, I love ya all!
(((Connie))) bless your heart, thank you for sharing that publicly, that was very bold. I am here for my brother, BUT I set boundaries, (well, most of the time) Teh thing is, is that he has not re-offended, but he hasnt gotten the help that caused him to do what he did in the first place. So no, he hasn't gotten help, and the issues run deep, just like they do with me, re: family growing up, divorce, etc.. Praise God that your friend has turned around, my family and our friends have been praying and praying and believing for my brother's salvation-but it just is not happening. We're not giving up.

konzter · 04-23-2005, 01:41 AM

cystsBgone,

I will definately be praying for you, your brother and your family. Would it be possible for your whole family to get counceling? I think it would really help.. it would bring up old wounds but sometimes it takes that to heal. I was in therapy for a long time when I was younger and I credit that for who I am today. Just remember that God doesn't turn his back on you.. it may feel like it sometimes but he is always waiting there for you to talk to. Your church can also be a great help.. there are people there who can help you out and are willing to do it just out of the love of God, nothing more.. they don't expect money or gifts. Turn to them if you need to, you never know, one day they might need you too. I wish there was more I could help you with! If you ever need anything please let me know!

I know deep down inside your brother is a good person, it now is just finding the right opportunity to draw that out of him. I would take him to church as much as possible, get him involved in activities he might enjoy that they have. Show him that these people will care about him no matter who he is. God is awesome and can work out even the most difficult situations if you just turn them over to him. Just remember that it is in HIS time, not yours.

Stacie M · 04-23-2005, 02:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cystsBgone

~ tryng to get the courage to throw the Vicodin down the garbage disposal

(HUGS) I am sorry you are going thru so many rough things right now. I know it can be tough.

I really wanted to step in here and mention something. I am sure since you have a back problem and are in PT, the Vicodin is for a pain issue. I too am in PT for a neck injury. However, Vicodin use has a side effect of depression, and it is usually much worse in people who have already had a history of depression. I am only telling you this just in case you didn't know. I myself have had to use Vicodin for long bouts at a time, and def. feel the depressive effects (although the actual drug made me feel good, the depression still sets in), and I have recently had a very good friend go thru psychological dependence on them. I was amazed at how down and depressed she was, totally unlike herself.

I am not trying to acuse you of being a druggie, God knows I have no right to do that. I am just trying to let you know in case you didn't already, so maybe if things are especially tough on you right now anyway you will know that it is possibly a side effect and maybe you could discuss alternative treatment with your doctor.

Anyway, I hope I don't sound too preachy LOL! That was definitely not my intent. I just happen to have Vicodin on my brain a lot lately since I have been going thru issues with my friend.

Good luck to you! I hope things work out and start looking up. I will be thinking of you!!!

Stacie M

DivineMadness · 04-24-2005, 06:14 AM

im going to say this, and it is very hard for me, brings up some bad memories....

we've all been through the fire, each of us in our own little ways. when you think you've hit rock bottom, guess what? you haven't YOU STILL HAVE THE STREGTH to climb up. you have the serenity to accept your life. you need to realize (as i did) that each and every human being is living their lives dependent on their values and beliefs. everyone believes that their lives are soooo bad, or sooo good. which most of the time is the sooo bad part. You have a roof over your head, food in your tummy, you have family there to love...even if they are crazy. the biggest thing ive ever realized is to be grateful. even if you must write people off. sometimes you need to think about you! AND ONLY YOU. sounds selfish yes, but guess what? whos going to be there for you in the end? only you!!! look deep into yourself and you will find the asnwers to your problems, you find positive solutions and learn to accept things that cannot be changed, and accept people cannot be changed, no matter how much you stress to HOPE they will change they will get better, b/c belive me they wont, people dont change, and once you realize that you will emotionally, and mentally move on. life is a wonderful place, and wonderful feeling, and all those people who want to rain on your parade....screw em! you dont need em no matter how much they claim they need you. if someone relaly loves you they wont hurt you. and dont forgive and forget and dont forgive those who contiuously hurt you, im telling you this b/c i know, b/c i seen and realized everything first hand,,, hunny ive walked through the depths of hell within my own life, ive seen things and expierienced things people 5 times my age and older have never and will never expeirience. life is a continous struggle yes, but it can be a joyful one if you want it to.. if you want to change your life, if you REALLY want to cahnge you life and be happy, genuinely happy, then you will do it. don't make anymore excuses dont give any more chances, you live this life once, ONCE, and if I were you I would be out there making damn good memories.

cystsBgone · 04-25-2005, 01:02 AM

(((BIGHUGTOYOU)))) Thank you, that was powerful, and so much appreciated.

I didn't want to bring up any bad memories up for you - I'm sorry. I can tell from your post that you are one STRONG human being, I say Go and keep it up!!!

Thank you, I am POSITIVE you just didn't touch my heart by your post!...

cystsBgone · 04-25-2005, 01:14 AM

Keep forgetting to post stuff...Connie, I brought up family counseling to my mother last night-and she said, "I am fine!!!" She is in TOTAL denial so I say the heck with it said "well, that's YOUR stuff not mine" Also, unfortunately, my brother is totally against going to church, like I said he is a recluse, afraid of a lot kinda like an agoraphobic now. I can only do so much

I came home from my walk yesterday and he locked the door on accident, when I turned the knob, and ran around to the back gate, he came oustide, and said, "Who was just at the door outside" - looking for them pissed and scared I guess. Told him it was me and he breathed a sigh of relief. Staciie, no way hon, you didn't sound preachy and even if I thought you did--who cares? lol and maybe I need some preaching to. You helped answer my earlier question about feeling sadness after the Vicodin begins to wear off, and I've read that in medical books that it can happen and especially if you do have a history of depression. Sooooo....I believe ya

Good luck with your friend, opiates are very serious to be taken and monitored, it scares me sometimes and it should. In fact, I'm glad it does!
PT is really helping, it will take a while to heal my back, but at least I know what was causing it!
((hug)) Thinking of you too