TTC After Loss

gigibark4me · 11-26-2009, 12:47 AM

Call me crazy, but the only thing getting me through this is hope. Hope that I can get pregnant again. Of course I have to hold it together for my two children, but I still want to have another baby. Not a replacement for Willow, of course! I want to get pregnant asap! This is pending all test results and I know it will be a miserable pregnancy. How could I enjoy that BFP if I am waiting for something to go wrong? Somehow that doesnt stop me from hoping we can conceive again.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Or did you get pregnant again right after a losing your baby?

pinkkitty · 11-26-2009, 02:32 AM

I felt that way right after my first miscarriage, then after a while pure fear just overwhelmed me and i decided i never wanted kids, sort of like a defence mechanism. The mummy bug never left me and now i really want it - but im so scared. Its hard with PCOS because the decision to induce a cycle is so much harder than just allowing it to maybe happen. My husband is still too scared to ttc, so we have to make a decision after all our tests which so far has given no answers. I know what you mean, my next bfp wont be the happy exciting occasion i once dreamed it would be.

sugarbug · 11-26-2009, 03:55 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss... It's been years since I lost mine and I still remember how raw it felt. For me; it took 4 years of infertility to get pregnant with my angel, but I did get pregnant again 6 months later, naturally, and he just started kindergarden. Every pregnancy is different, and every formula that works is too. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I know how frustrating it is when your body proves it can get pregnant, but then dashes your faith when it fails you (I hate hate PCOS) Be strong cyster!! ((hugs)) I'm praying you get another BFP soon!

-bug

Kate29 · 12-09-2009, 04:36 AM

We're just starting to try again, it's been scary. I think one of the things that's bothering me is that m/c or being pregnant, I don't know which, seems to have affected my cycles. They've been longer and less painful. I don't know if I'm ovulating anymore (most of my past cycles were ovulatory, but not all were.) I also don't have that tell tail lead up to the second line on the ovulation predictor. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know having the second line is common with women with PCOS because the body is trying to O, so it might be good that it's not there, maybe the imbalance is better. But it might also be bad. Maybe I'm not even close to Oing. I spend a lot of time analyzing this. So much so that my husband is now joking about the number of ovulation predictors we own. He's correctly pointed out that even though we got them cheap, I probably don't need to use them every single time I go to the bathroom. I'm pretty much obessessed with ovulation.

I'm also not getting that tell tail warning cramp before my period starts. I really don't know what's going on with me at all. It took until this month for me to be ready though. I was really not coping with the first m/c well, so we thought I needed time to figure out how to handle things better should it happen again. I'm not saying I will handle things better, but I think, deep down, I never really believed that a m/c could happen to me. Now I know better. I don't know if that will change things, but I think it might. Hope all is well for you. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

gigibark4me · 12-09-2009, 08:00 PM

Thanks everyone for your responses. Dh and I have been healing together. I am anxious to start ttc again and I hope my new RE will give me the go ahead in Feb.

Just curious... where did you get your "cheap" OPKs???

Kate29 · 12-10-2009, 12:55 AM

I order them on-line from amazon. I know it sounds sketchy, but we got pregnant the third time I O'd using them. They were 50 for 10 dollars.

Mommy_of_Lily · 01-12-2010, 08:28 PM

I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my baby on 11-12. I was 12 weeks. I had a blood clot form that separated the placenta from my uterus.
I am like you. I do not want to replace my little boy(we got to see him 2 days before we lost him on ultrasound & they inadvertenly discovered his sex), but I want to keep moving forward. It wasn't until I got the ok to ttc that I finally started feeling a little normal again. I gives you something to work towards. I have been so nervous about being pregnant again. Then I started getting pregnacy symptoms. My stomach started growing (I am a very early shower). I was extremely nervous & worried over it. I just found out today I most likely had a chemical pregnancy. It is bringing everything up again...the grief. However, in another way, I don't know if it is numbness or acceptance, it almost is taking some of the worry away. These past few weeks, I took it very easy, every time I started feeling bad, I stopped what I was doing & rested. I basically did everything I wished I had done last time because I kept wondering if I could have prevented it. I guess what I am saying I learned is it is out of my hands. There is nothing I can do but get information, try to get my body prepared, and pray.
I am glad you got tests run. I also had them run & turned up positive for 2 things, but they told me I was ok to conceive even though they wanted to wait & retest me before diagnosing me. If you can, try to wait for you results before ttc.
Though it didn't work out this time for me, I do have friends who conceived after their miscarriages & ended up having a normal pregnancy. In fact, a good friend of mine conceived before she had an AF after her miscarriage & just gave birth to him 2 weeks ago.

You can also get ovulation tests from Ebay & most of them come w/ pregnancy tests. I just paid, including shipping, 9.99 for 25 ovulation tests & 10 pregnancy tests.

Hope this helps & good luck!

gigibark4me · 01-12-2010, 09:34 PM

Mommy of Lily, thank you for sharing. Im sorry to hear about both of your losses. I think that is terrible that you have to go through that twice. I did receive all my test results and everything came back normal. Even the genetic testing on Willow. I had my consult w/ new RE and she wants to do some blood tests and u/s (on 3rd day of cycle) and HSG (between days 5-10 of this cycle). After that we will have a plan to get me pregnant so we will start trying again in Feb. Im scared it will happen again though.

ddeannie · 01-24-2010, 09:27 PM

I have a question. Before the miscarriage we were pregnant with children #2, 3, and 4. Now, do I say I am TTC#2? or #3? or #5????

gigibark4me · 01-26-2010, 11:33 PM

ddeannie, it's whatever your comfort level is. I found that when I am asked about my children I must include Willow b/c although she never lived outside my uterus, she is still my daughter and I loved her like I love my other two children. I say Im TTC #4 and when people ask me how many kids I have I say 2 and 1 baby angel, or briefly explain that my baby was stillborn. But you may not want to explain that to everyone. Or it may depend on the day. For me it helps.

ddeannie · 01-27-2010, 09:26 PM

I guess I will have to think about it.

TDoern · 01-28-2010, 12:01 AM

Gigi - I'm in my only other pregnancy other than my loss right now. So I'm sort of where you are hoping to be?

My loss was on July 4th. My son, Christopher, was 22 weeks the day we lost him. I lost him to incompetent cervix. It took us 9 years to get that first BFP - and it was such a great shock, when it was something I never expected to happen, let alone naturally.

As I mentioned, I'm pregnant again now. I'll be 20 weeks on Saturday. We conceived this baby our first month not using protection after our loss. We weren't planning, or really trying. We figured God would gift us with another child whenever, and if we were ever ready again.

I can tell you that the fear of something going wrong NEVER goes away. With me I have the knowledge that my cervix is still weak, and there is every chance that without serious changes on my part, the cerclage that was put in, bed rest, and constant screening this baby would be lost too.

Every single time I stand up I can't help but worry if this will be one standing up too many. I spend most of my time laying on my side with a pillow under my hips to keep as much pressure off of my cervix as possible.

That is the one thing I have that you don't though - we know why I lost my son. It doesn't make it better, it still sucks, but I know you are still looking for answers. The good news is that you should be watched closer now, you will probably be considered a high risk pregnancy with more watching the whole pregnancy. There are ladies on here - particularly in the TTC After a Loss thread (in the TTC buddies area) - who can give you all sorts of things to look into and have your doctors look for, check for, and watch.

I never expected I'd really ever get pregnant, let alone just with weight loss and while using condoms. It never occurred to me to that after 9 years of trying there was ever any way that God would decide we didn't get to keep that child with us here on Earth. It baffled us completely to get pregnant again so quickly. At the same time, I have a view of things.

Our Christopher wasn't due until November 7th. We got our BFP for Squish (what I call this baby until we have a name) on October 14th. With Christopher we found out we could get pregnant, and for 22 weeks I had an incredible, wonderful, beautiful little boy growing inside of me. I only got 22 weeks here on Earth with him, but I'll be able to hold him in my arms forever if I want in Heaven. I sort of view the loss of Christopher, as horrible as it was for us, as the gift of knowledge that we have the incompetent cervix to deal with. Christopher's loss was not for no reason, I see his loss as his sacrifice so our future children have a better chance. If Christopher had lived, Squish wouldn't be here. Either I would have been carrying him still when we conceived Squish, or we would have been in and out of the NCIU visiting him, or on 2 forms of birth control because we wouldn't be ready for another child again. This life, wouldn't be here without losing Christopher. *There is ALWAYS a reason for things, no matter how much they hurt, suck, or bring us joy.*

As I mentioned, I worry every single day that I'm over doing things and will lose Squish. Every time I take a shower I wonder if it's too long. When I head to church, I lay down in a pew, but still wonder - is the trip too much? I held my breath, the entire first trimester knowing we could lose this baby for any reason then, yet am still holding my breath.

At the same time - my loss taught me one very important thing. Losing our son taught me that it is so very important to love your little ones, and all those you care about, as much as you can for whatever time you have with them. In my opinion the moment you even think you might be pregnant you start thinking like a mom. You ARE a mom the moment you are pregnant... your body knows. We start worrying about everything, because we are already in love with that life. We dream dreams for that little life, we make plans, we give our hearts in a way we never thought possible. The important thing is - we love. I'm scared every single day that I'm going to lose this baby for whatever reason, even women who carry to term lose their babies. At the same time I know how important it is, as I said, to love with all your heart for however long you have.

You are going to wait for things to go wrong, you would if you had a perfectly healthy first pregnancy. Why do you think we worry so much as mommies? We worry when the babies are in us, and we worry about them until we can no more, whether that be for six weeks, or sixty years.

At the same time, you will enjoy your pregnancy. I think the fear makes you love it, enjoy each second, more. I value every single moment this baby is here. I talk to this baby more, I rub my tummy more, I think I take each moment as the special moment is, more, because of my loss. You and I, and those who have lost little ones, know how special each second is with our babies - so I think we take the time, once we can, to love more.

I know it's been awhile for you, and you are on to TTC baby number 2 - but I wrote this so all who are reading things thinking the same thing know that there is hope, and love, after the loss and once you get another BFP.

For anyone looking for someone to talk - feel free to PM me.

I made a decision to reach out to those who have lost little ones when I lost our Christopher so that it made his loss go to good. I refuse to have allowed his loss to be in vain, so I share an assist whenever I can.