TTC, Feeling Depressed

flemingac · 11-28-2009, 05:02 PM

I have been TTC for about 2 1/2 years, but I've only been using fertility drugs since the beginning of this month. I have never had normal periods, and since I got married in May of 2007 They have become even stranger - last year I had a 6-month period which only stopped when they did a D&C on me (but the dr. said that my uterus looked normal and it didn't seem like I had been having my period recently at all).
I just finished a 6-week period last month because my dr. gave me Progesterone to make me have a normal period. I started Clomid on November 6th, and at first felt very positive about it working. I took 2 HPTs so far, both negative. Its still a few days before my missed period, so I know that the tests may be wrong, but I just feel like it didn't work, and I feel like such a failure.
Right before my dr. started me on Clomid, I saw a high-risk pregnancy dr. (because I previously had a stroke and have seizures). They did a transvaginal ultrasound, and I had tons of follicles - 17 or 18 in each ovary. The dr. said it looked like I was going to ovulate on my own because one was much larger than the others, but my OB had me take Clomid anyway because I never ovulate on my own.
Recently, all of my friends have become pregnant, and every time I find out another one is, I just feel angry and jealous and terrible. I don't mean to feel this way, but I can't help it. I don't understand why I don't deserve to get pregnant. And my husband doesn't understand why I feel like such a failure. He's only 23, and even though he wants kids now, before he met me he didn't want any. Its hard, because even though he tries to understand and be there for me, I feel like I'm all alone in my desparation to have a baby.
I don't know what to do. I realize that this is only my first round of Clomid, but I really believe that it was going to work and now I feel completely hopeless.

sarabethbaby · 11-28-2009, 06:24 PM

Amanda I feel exactly the same way you do.... but the other night I finally let it all out to my DH and I felt so much better. I told him everything I felt and why and he was able to tell me how he felt also. I had not been talking about it not wanting to worry him with my craziness I have had the best few days and am able to go up to him and say I FEEL SAD and he gives me a hug and I know he feels with me. All my friends are pg I swear I went through my facebook and deleted every single one of them too, because if I saw one more belly pic I was gonna die. I feel so much better after it. I know I may seem cold to give up friends like that, but I am to the point in the TTC that I have to look out for myself and no one else. I can't have my crying fits in bed all night anymore. To make it worse by brother in law got his married secretary pg, she had the baby and now lives with him after he left his wife. She doesn't deserve that baby, I can't understand how life works like that sometimes. It just doesn't seem fair. I hold on to the thought my mircle will come at just the right moment. and it will be perfect. Keep your head up your never alone.

Ashley

WifeyC · 11-28-2009, 09:36 PM

Amanda, I've soooo been there. DH and I started to TTC in August 2007. I thought I could do it all without fertility drugs and last November, AF turned vicious and ugly. TMI-I had clots the size of golf balls and I thought I was going to need blood transfusions. I called my OBGYN emergency number and he called in Provera for me. It took two rounds of Provera to get AF under control. In January, I did a cycle of temping without meds, as per request of my OBGYN. Then, after seeing the concrete evidence that I don't ovulate, I started 50mg of Clomid. No ovulation. Did another cyle of Provera. Started 100mg of Clomid, I ovulated with it twice, but no BFP. The next cycle of 100mg, I didn't ovulate. Boo! He sent me to an RE. I cried. I felt like a failure. I couldn't provide a child to my DH, who will make an excellent father. I met with the RE. He wanted to know why I didn't go in to see him August 2007! Needless to say, I did 4 Clomid+Ovidrel trigger cycles with the RE, 3 with IUI. None of them worked to give me a BFP. I did one cycle of bcp because of a cyst. That was an emotionally rough month. And then that brings me to now, I did a cycle of injectables and poof, BFP. It's been a LONG road. And if you read my blogs, you'll see how I've felt as time as gone on. Don't worry, it's only your first medicated cycle. I've been on the medication journey since February. It does get easier to handle, emotionally. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to listen. Believe me, I've walked down a long and hard road to get here.

flemingac · 11-29-2009, 12:40 AM

Thank you both so much for responding. It really helps to know that I'm not the only person going through this.

Ashley, I am definitely going to talk to my DH about all this, I'm just waiting until I figure out exactly what I want to say. I don't want to make him feel like I think he doesn't care, but I'm not sure how to make him understand how I'm feeling. He's 5 years younger than me, so he doesn't feel the pressure to get pregnant right away like I do.

Heather, your story gave me hope, but what exactly does an RE do? I'm sure I'd have to go 1 1/2 hours away to Pittsburgh to find one, but I'm pretty much willing to do anything. Just wondering what would happen at an appointment with one.

Thank you both again!!

elizabeth0531 · 11-29-2009, 12:42 AM

Amanda I was in your shoes 2 months ago. We were not preventing for a few years and I just now started my 3rd round of clomid. I was completely devastated when the first month was a BFN. I really thought I'd be one of those women who got pregnant right away. Well, I didn't. So I became convinced that I'd be the reverse - I'd be the one who NEVER gets pregnant no matter what I ever do. And I lived in a really depressed state of mind all throughout my 2nd round (also BFN). I didn't feel hopeful and I wasn't surprised when I got my 2nd BFN. This was about a week ago. I cried ALL DAY and just felt so panicked, so helpless. But then I came on here and laid it all out on the table and our brilliant cysters reminded me that clomid can often take 3, 4, or more cycles to provide a BFP. Did it atleast make you O? Because if it did, then technically it DID work. You responded well to clomid. Which is HUGE. Always remember that! Ovulation is, like, 90% of the battle. The rest is just luck. The waiting is so hard, I know. You can't help but feel desperate when you pin all of your hopes and dreams on one little test that you can only take once a month... And I know it might seem impossible, but I say, get your hopes up again! All AF means is, you get another try at it! Don't let yourself focus on the negative. And don't EVER feel alone. We are all right there next to you, no matter what.

Best of luck to you!

Laura Lee · 11-29-2009, 01:34 AM

I'm so sorry your going through that Amanda. I haven't started clomid yet, but will in January if I don't O before then. I'm pretty sure I have before, but the waiting is starting to drive me mad. Last Sunday in church 2 couples my age who had just recently both had babies decided to sit beside my husband and I. I was fine about it, then out of know where I burst into tears, and couldn't stop until I rushed out of the church once the service was over. I felt like a freak. Please dont give up!!!

Kamy04 · 11-29-2009, 01:45 AM

You are not alone feeling that way Amanda!

I was just diagnosed last week, found out I have a large cyst, had an HSG, and was started on BCP. I was told I probably WASN'T ovulating despite all the drugs I was on and instead all I got was huge cysts that might have to be surgically removed. It has been one HECK of 11 days, and I feel like I'm completely unraveling. I have been crying every day. I go from being fine to bawling in .03 seconds. I feel like my body is completely betraying me and I feel completely hopeless. Sure, I could get pregnant if I had an endless supply of money...but I don't. I have no insurance coverage for infertility and I'm facing injects+iui which is damn expensive.

I had a conversation with DH last night and his first response was that I needed to "stop being sad" because I'm worrying about things. I can't HELP but worry about things right now, we don't have a lot of answers. (It's a lot of financial stress, really) He doesn't want to see me sad. Fine, but I *am* sad. I wish people would let me throw myself a pity party and just tell me that it's hard and it sucks. That's all I want to hear! Not all this "it will happen" "cheer up" crap because I don't believe any of it! Why can't I be sad? I don't understand it. I know DH doesn't understand because he's not the "problem" here. Every time we get more information he becomes more supportive, but he doesn't dwell on the future. I'm a planner and all the uncertainty is killing me!

ANYWAY, know that you are NOT ALONE. We are all here for you and for each other.

WifeyC · 11-29-2009, 10:25 AM

All of you women amaze me. I don't know where we all find the strength to endure what we do! Each of us has a different journey and yet, we are all so similar. Just remember that God has a plan and purpose for each of us, and although we can't see that purpose, it is there. I've had a long journey to get here, and I won't lie, there were days where I felt so extremely broken and discouraged. There were days where I just sobbed and reserved myself to believing it would never happen for me, that my job was to be happy and supportive for all my friends who get BFPs. Boy, I was wrong!

Amanda, an RE is a Reproductive Endocrinologist (Fertility Specialist). They can do a lot more in-depth studies to see what is the root cause of infertility. My PCOS turned out to be only part of my problem. I also have high FSH, which indicates a diminished ovarian reserve, less eggs than I should have. Also, an RE can test your DH to see if there is male-factor infertility. There are a lot more advanced therapies they can do. It's called ART, Assisted Reproduction Therapry. My RE has been amazing. Where in PA do you live?

flemingac · 11-29-2009, 04:36 PM

I live in Western Pennsylvania along Interstate 80, about an hour from Ohio. The closest city is Pittsburgh, but my OB/GYN (whom I absolutely love so far) is in a town called DuBois.

I will look into going to an RE after I get insurance again (my husband recently switched companies and the COBRA was just too much money). I will get my insurance back next month.

By the way Heather, congrats on your BFP!!

WifeyC · 11-29-2009, 04:48 PM

Thank you for the congrats!

I have family in Western PA, near Zelienople. My DH went to school out there, Grove City. Plus, both of my parents are from the Western PA area.

Oh, I googled "Fertility Specialists Near DuBios, PA" and came up with some results. So there are some in DuBios. I'm sure the cream of the crop are in Pittsburgh, but I live in NJ, about a half hour from Philadelphia. I'm sure the best doctors are in the city, but I have a great one not too far from me.

flemingac · 11-30-2009, 02:22 PM

I'll be sure to talk to my OB/GYN about going to see an RE when I see him in January. Until then, I'm going to continue to try the Clomid and pray that it works.

One of my friends is a teacher at Grove City, and my DH used to work in Zelienople. What a small world!!

WifeyC · 11-30-2009, 10:29 PM

It really is a small world! DH's best friend is a pastor of a small Presby. church in Grove City. I love it out there, but I don't think I could live there.