Unmotivated wife - what to do? - Page 6

Chris516 · 05-29-2009, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr.NorthSouth

Have you had trouble with motivating yourself to beat PCOS? If so I need your advice...

My wife of 15 years has PCOS. I love her, and frankly I'm worried about her. She is gaining weight and her health is declining.

I look on in admiration to all the women who populate this board who are motivated to beat PCOS. It really bothers me that my wife isn't motivated to fight PCOS. She continues to eat too much, and the wrong things. She's depressed because of how she looks and feels. But when we've had discussions about it, they usually amount to her being hurt that I bring it up. She's extremely sensitive about it.

So, for 15 years I've largely said to myself, "Well, I can't do anything for her if she's not motivated herself". So I've done nothing. I've waited for her to get motivated to fight this thing.

And where has that gotten us? Fifteen years of declining health and denial.

I'm sick of ignoring this issue.

But I don't know what to do. I've told her that I love her for years. I tell her that she looks pretty, I tell her that she is sexy. That hasn't been enough. She needs real help, not just warm fuzzies. But in the past when I've tried to help hold her accountable to her attempts to get healthier, she resents me.

So my question to you ladies out there - how hard should I push? Is anything I do pointless if she's not motivated? Will she appreciate my involvement, or resent me for it? Must I consign myself to a life with a depressed, unhealthy woman who will probably die young just as her mother did? Do I risk being "resented" to try to really help her get healthy?

I told myself I wouldn't have a long post. Oh well. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I thought I was alone. My fiance has OCD and, thinks she has PCOS. Both of them are beatable. But like your wife, my fiance seems unmotivated to even try to beat either one.

Weight is no problem because, she loves to exercise.

OrganicAmy · 05-31-2009, 04:42 PM

Sigh. This is oh, so sad. I'm watching this thread.

anonymousadam · 06-01-2009, 01:04 PM

just wanted to say, great thread

snfr02chic · 06-01-2009, 03:44 PM

I just want to say, as everyone else already has....it's awesome that you choose to be so involved in her health. I haven't read through every post, just skimmed...so I hope I don't repeat anything anyone else has said.

#1 When you got married, you vowed for better or worse. Which means that none of us who are married can just walk out when times get tough. It also means that your wife vowed the same thing. She can't expect you to sit by and watch her live her life in this way and be ok with it.

#2 As far as her resenting you or not. My theory is this. I have an uncle...he is a drug addict and alcoholic. For years everyone in my family has tried to recommend counseling, but he refuses. In the past 3 years they have all given up. They have come to the conclusion that if he doesn't want to help himself then how are they supposed to help him. My thinking is..keep pushing, do whatever you have to do, because in the end, I love him very much and I want him to live a long healthy life...EVEN if it means without me because I've upset him.

I'm not saying push your wife so hard that she leaves or anything like that, but you love her, and that means that you CAN'T sit by and watch her whither away. It's not fair to her. When you guys got married you each agreed to be the other's rock. When you are down you need her to lift you up, and right now she is down, really down it sounds like and no matter what, no matter how many dirty looks she gives you, or cross words she says to you...in the long run she will see how much you love her and are trying to make her life better, because that's what she needs. Someone to push her and motivate her until she can motivate herself.

I really feel for you and my prayers will be with you and your wife in this hard time. I also pray that maybe a place will open soon that offer treatments for PCOS or some sort of relief for you and your wife. Keep up the good work and don't stop what you are doing. I pray that God will give you strength through all of this to continue pushing her, not to the point of breaking, but to the point of self help. Good luck!!!

needlife2change · 06-04-2009, 10:04 PM

I'm on Metformin 1000 mg each day and at first it was scary and a nightmare. I stayed in bed the 2nd day on it and felt really dizzy and sick. But, after the initial week I was fine. I have more energy the nauseousness has gone away. Have her take it with food because that helped me deal with the nauseousness. Also, eat lots and lots of veggies because that really helps. Whenever I get pasta (which is loaded with carbs) I get whole grain, whole grain bread. My biggest weakness right now is getting off the mountain dew lol! Just keep working with her and supporting her. It's really awesome tha your taking the steps to help her! It encourages her but she just wont say it. SHe probally feels like she's a disappointment to you because that's what I feel like at times with my husband. It will get easier. Just keep up the good work!!

Wonder_Woman · 06-04-2009, 10:26 PM

You sound like a wonderful, caring husband... You are doing the right thing by acting on your care. I have PCOS and my weight gain (primarily large protruding stomach) has really affected my marriage. I was thin and trim with a falt tummy prior to PCOS you see...

I suggest that you not push your wife to lose the weight or eat less. Encourage her, show her you care and want to work as a team so she can be happy and healthy in mind and body. It takes time for her to process these goals and even to accept them and be willing to try.

My story is that I used to eat like my belly was a bottomless pit. Ive wept so many times. This cause a mess in my marriage. My huby talked to me and encouraged me time after time after time to slow down with the eating, eat healthy, try to workout a little every week. Then it got more intense:only snack on healthy stuff, eat healthy food, no junk, work out at least 3 times a week, etc...

I had to decide myself to helo myself not just for my husband and our marriage but for myself too. I wanted to fit in my clothes, period. I wanted to be able to look at my stomach in the mirror. I wanted ppl to stop rubbing my belly cause I look quite visibly pregnant, etc.

For my 26th birthday, we decided to buy an elliptical exercise machine. I worked out like a dog, even 7 times a week, cut back a lot on my food intake. Conclusion: I lost 15 pounds, my confidence and self-esteem sky rocketed, I could fit back in my clothes, I only had a little bit of belly fat, our love making was more sexy, everything was 100 times better. Its like we had found me again.

I hope this posting can help you and your wife even in some small way.

All the best.

polysigirl08 · 06-19-2009, 04:20 PM

Hey, Mr. NorthSouth! Well first of all kuddos to you for stickin in there. Only thing I can tell you is to keep hanging in there. Don't know if you've done this already but maybe you should sit down with her and straight up tell her that you love her but her actions are ruining your relationship. Ask her to tell you everything she feel and you just listen to her.

Because Mr. North South this PCOS is just so serious and so hard on women. The only people in this world who truly understand is those of us who are going through it.

So many different symptoms and emotions come with it. Its like maybe your wife wants to lose weight right. She wants to go to the gym. However, a PCOS symptom for example, facial hair, may make her too ashamed to be seen at the gym. So she never goes. Thus, she never loses the weight.

This is how alot of us feel at times and nobody gets it. PCOS makes us all outta whack and ashame of ourselves.

Anyway, continue to be there for her. Don't be afraid to get involved. Learn everything you can about this stuff cause it is serious. Be honest with her and continue to love her. But you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do but if she feels that you feel where she's coming from maybe it will help her more.

amorvincit105 · 06-19-2009, 05:11 PM

I think its really great that you are on here trying to find a way to help your wife.. Believe me when i say that we know that even though this is hard on us.. it is also very hard on our spouses.. This might be one of the things bringing her down.. I know a lot of women on here feel like LESS of a woman because of this "disease". Its depressing in itself to know that we have it but then to try and face it.. ugh. Just let her know she is not alone.. I really would try again with having her come on this site.. if you know exactly why the pcos is making her depressed (like is it more the infertility or weight loss?) then maybe bring her on again and go to the correct forum.. This is a good site to find encouragement and understanding... let her know shes not alone.. hope this helps.

Let's-Roll-Babycakes · 06-22-2009, 07:24 PM

I don't think anyone can motivate a person to "beat PCOS". For me, it has to be my decision to change my lifestyle, my eating habits, my exercise regime. And frankly, if my DH were to try to get me to change, even trying to fly under the radar, I'd be kind of ticked at him. I realize that a lot of that is just my personality.

I also don't view PCOS as "beatable" as in "curable". PCOS is controllable. The thing that has helped me was learning to control or alter one symptom at a time. Otherwise, it's soooo overwhelming.

And I agree with Kat - metformin is not the miracle drug for everyone. Sadly, all metformin did for me was make me miserable and sick. I gained weight and had horrible stomach issues. However, I am not IR (insulin resistant) so I personally think that figures into it as well.

Kudos to the people who are trying to help those they love who have PCOS. My biggest advice is to find the symptom they want to work on first, and make a plan.

ErinAgain · 07-16-2009, 04:49 AM

Hmmmm...MrNorthSouth's last post was on February 1st. He was about to have "the talk" with his wife, but nervous because previous "talks" had been disastrous.

He never came back to give us an update. It's been five and a half months. Do you suppose "the talk" didn't go so well?

NikiR · 08-14-2009, 10:07 PM

It has helped me tremendously to have a partner who is in it with me. Someone who understands the struggle and gets out and does the excercise with me or who doesn't bring bad food into the house, even though he can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound. But it can be a very sensitive issue. My ex use to push me all the time, probably more than normal, and it just led to tears and feeling very bad about myself. I think that taking the approach of cooking healthy meals and just saying "hey, lets go for a walk.." kind of thing is nice. It makes the efforts without having to verbalize the issue and avoid the hurt. But I am a firm believer that we won't be successful unless we are motivated and want to change for ourselves and no one else. She has to want to make the changes on her own.

shabdarider · 08-15-2009, 11:40 PM

If it weren't for the man who loves me I wouldn't have known about any of the latest treatments or support. When I told him I was diganosed years ago and bc pills were the fix he started reading about it. Even my doctor was unaware. However, now on metformin. He had a feeling and he was right. Some of us were diagnosed so long ago we just forget to follow up!

noelswifey · 09-10-2009, 11:59 AM

There Are Some Great Guys Out There And Ur Wife Sure Has One Not Very Many Men Would Worry This Much.

mississippi_grl80 · 09-12-2009, 11:45 PM

We all know that dealing with PCOS is just plain hard, but having a DH like you to stand by her side... I don't think she'll resent you! My husband deer hunts, and he'll ask me to walk with him to his green patch, to check his camera, to look for deer tracks... He just gets me up and going! I see him so excited/ motivated, so I can't say no! Like most others before my post have said, this site has helped me tremendously! Just reading about these awesome women going through the same thing I am seemed to light a fire under my tail and made me think... If they can do it, by george, I can too! Just stay by her side, remind her that she can fight this!

rayj629 · 09-22-2009, 08:29 AM

I truly hope the talk did go well, and he has not written back on the boards due to time spent in true matrimonial bliss.