Unsupportive PCOS friend

cararnr · 08-27-2008, 04:29 AM

I'm not quite sure which section to put this in, but I need a bit of advice about a friend of mine with PCOS.

I was diagnosed about a week ago after going off of bc and developing acne and not ovulating for 8 months.

A very close friend of mine was diagnosed with pcos about 4 years ago. Before my results were official, I told this friend that my doctor suspected that I might have pcos, and she completely dismissed everything I said. She would not let me finish a sentence and kept insisting that there was no way because I don't "look like I have pcos". Now that I am officially diagnosed, I tried to bring up my concerns with her once again, and she used a very short tone and told me I was wrongly diagnosed and said that I lost my period because I was stressed out, and then just changed the subject. I hardly got 2 words in.

My feelings are really hurt by this whole situation. This has been a hard month for me, and I thought that my friend would be a great source of support. If she doesn't want to talk to me about pcos that's fine, but I wish she wouldn't act like I don't have it when I have been formally diagnosed by an endo and put on medication. She basically told me that if I had pcos I wouldn't be at a normal weight, my acne would be worse,etc. I have always eaten healthy and I run for an hour every day. Her symptoms are clearly more severe than mine, but my dr. credited my mild symptoms to the running.

Anyway, sorry for the long story. I just don't know what to do about this. Part of me wants to just leave it alone and just figure I have to talk to other people about my situation and leave her be, but beyond that I feel compelled to tell her how much she has hurt my feelings. Any thoughts?

Eva37 · 08-27-2008, 05:31 AM

welcome to sc

so sorry you friend is being so unhelpful about your pcos. Each womans pcos is different, so her saying that you cant have pcos cos of having a normal weight (which i do too), is wrong.

im sure you will get lots of support/help here. And make lots of new friends.

eva

Snow · 08-27-2008, 10:15 AM

Try not to worry too much as you know you've been rightly diagnosed and can therefore start tackling it. I get the same responses from any new doctors or ob/gyn saying the same thing that "I don't look like I have PCOS" even though I was diagnosed 13 years ago because I have no weight issues and acne isn't "that bad" (though to me it is!)...and get told to go away and come back when I want to TTC. So I'm currently self-medicating with herbs and natural progesterone cream.

Maybe write it down and give it to her to read with all the information so she can't ignore it...just a thought. But you'll find plenty of help from the ladies on this site

cararnr · 08-27-2008, 04:14 PM

Thanks so much for the kind responses

I can tell I'm going to love this message board! I think I'm just going to drop it and assume that my friend has her own issues that are preventing her from being there for me. Just because she won't listen to me doens't mean I should stop being supportive of her.

I'm so happy to finally know what is wrong with me though. I have nearly every single symptom associated with pcos, and it took me 8 months to connect the dots and go to my doctor about it. I just hope the symptoms go away as quickly as they arrived!

AudaciousFurball · 08-27-2008, 08:05 PM

Hi and welcome to S/C...
First of all....you have loads of cysters here willing to share and talk about PCO's, or anything else that's worring you, or making you happy.
This might be a shot in the dark....but it could be that your friend is jealous or feeling that you're trying to muscle in on what she considers HER condition. I'm definitely not trying to defend her or condone her attitude toward you but that could be what she feels.
Try and introduce her to this site if she doesn't already know about it, and she'll find out for herself that PCO's affects every woman in different ways, there are thin cysters, some of the girls don't have acne or hirsutism but it doesn't mean to say they don't have it. There isn't one type of PCO's or any certain way somebody should look if they do have PCO's.

In any case I hope your friend checks us out, and armed with the mountains of info, realises your situation, and finds somebody to share with.

Hugs

OliviaLeigh · 08-27-2008, 09:36 PM

You sound like a sweet friend...maybe you can help support her. Sounds like she may need it.

Hope things get better.

tina_d · 08-28-2008, 09:12 AM

To me, it sounds like your friend hasn't sought any additional info on her condition. Just because you don't experience some symptoms 'now', doesn't mean that you won't in the future. I don't think that there is such a thing as a 'textbook' case of PCOS.

Another thing that I have ran into is meeting new women, and once I get close enough to them and share that I have PCOS, they start asking if they could have. Trying to blame each and every one of their problems/symptoms on PCOS without an official dx. That does get really old after a while.

Welcome to soulcysters. I agree that you should try sharing this site with your friend.

magiccitymama · 08-28-2008, 05:23 PM

I would just leave the PCOS part of your life out of your friendship. It's a shame that she can't take this opportunity to teach you about PCOS and be there for support, but it's not worth risking an otherwise good friendship over.

It's silly to think that every woman will have every single PCOS symptom. I am not hairy at all, and have never had acne in my life. And what about the women with PCOS who are skinny?

lynnmoon · 08-29-2008, 02:11 AM

You know, every friend can't be a friend in every situation. That might sound a little silly, but I think most of us have "departments". There are things and situations where we are better or worse and some relationships have similar "departments". Actually, I'd venture to guess that most relationships do....but that's a pretty unscientific guess, lol.

Maybe this is just one department, for reasons that she may or may not ever be able to share with you, that this girlfriend can't be a help or support to you. That's unfortunate, but it does happen.

I'm working very hard to loose weight. I've had to accept that same thing about some folks in my world...even some who are themselves on a weightloss journey. And the MOST supportive and helpfup of friends is the one that eats whatever she wants and has NO INTENTION at this point to change that. You would think we would have to put some distance between ourselves or that we would irritate one another...but of all the people she can listen and help me through my tough days way better than some others who are doing the exact same thing I'm doing.

As another poster mentioned, sometimes that might have to do with jealousy or it might have to do with some perception issues...but let her own her issues with it and get your support where it is freely given. Here seems like a really good place for it!!!

toomuch4acyster · 08-30-2008, 10:31 AM

Hey there!! When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I weighed 120 lbs at 5'6", no acne, no hair, no weight....heck I wasn't even sure that I had it. I waited for symptoms to start before I tried to do anything about it. Don't do what I did. I have gained 50lbs, got hairy and pimply. Don't wait, do your research now and take care of yourself.

As for your friend, she sounds like she is in denial. Just because she is overloaded with symptoms doesn't mean everyone should be. Just hang in there, she will come around.

Emmainlondon · 08-30-2008, 12:07 PM

It sounds to me like your friend maybe enjoyed the attention she gets regarding her PCOS. I do think it is thoughtless and ignorant of her to judge you - every PCOS sufferer is unique. I weigh about 44kg/ just under 7 stone / 96 pounds so many doctors could not believe I had it at first. Just explain to her that every woman's body reacts differently to the condition. I hope you are OK and at least there are people on this site who sympathise and empathise. Take care.

cararnr · 08-31-2008, 03:48 AM

Thanks for all the great advice

Although I wish my friend would take better care of herself and follow her doctor's advice, she has chosen not to, and I agree with the people that suggested that trying to force the issue would damage our friendship. If I have any opportunity, I will recommend that she visit this site, because so far I've found it extremely helpful. Just reading through the posts on here is so motivating

After thinking it over for a few days, I actually feel bad for being so upset with her anyway. I don't necessarily think how she reacted was mature, but she needs a good listener much more than I do at this point. She has been through much more than me and she's a really great person. My life has generally been very blessed, and hopefully with the new medicine I'm on (metformin) I can start to get healthy and back on track.

PuppyLove · 09-02-2008, 02:16 PM

Being a cyster that struggles with the weight side of it due to major IR problems, I can kind of see it from your friends perspective in that she looks at you being slim and thinks "what the??" .... but it seems she doesn't realise that not everyone with PCOS has weight issues.

Just recently my Mum said to me "oh my friend such n such's daughter has PCOS and she's not fat and she doesn't have insulin resistance ...." kind of like I was making it up or something lol ..... it's like a lot of illnesses, everyone presents in different ways.

Welcome to SC, you will find lots of great advice and wonderful women here.

Take care xx

August · 09-02-2008, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cararnr

She would not let me finish a sentence and kept insisting that there was no way because I don't "look like I have pcos".

I think she is envious of your physical appearance - not just your weight but also your overall attractiveness. I think that there is a certain "look" that many women with PCOS exhibit (to a greater or lesser extent . . . . and some probably not at all).

To a certain extent PCOS may explain certain physical characteristics that she has that she is not too proud of (like excess weight)- it might therefor be uncomfortable for her that you also have PCOS and do not exhibit those same characteristics or not exhibit them to the extent that she does.

Perhaps the fact that you have PCOS too but are more attractive (at least in her mind) makes her feel even worse about herself.

PCOS is a "syndrome" and so it does not present exactly the same way in everyone (far from it). Two women both with PCOS can present with fairly (perhaps very) different sets of symptoms and the degree that you might suffer from a particular symptom can vary drasticly (I think that is especially true of weight).

And then there is the matter of how you manage the set of problems that you have been given. . . . .

Perhaps you can remeber a time when you were enviious of someone else - think about how that made you feel. . . . perhaps you might not have even handled the situation in the most optimal way - especially in regards to the other person's feelings. Honestly I have a difficult time dealing with my more attractive friends.

At least at this time it does not seem like it would be productive for either one of you for you to try to have the friendship be a mutual source of support for having PCOS.

I think you are right not to be too critical of her - her feelings are probably painful when in come to the subject of PCOS - and her slight towards you in not handling the situation better seems very "human" to me.

lynnmoon · 09-03-2008, 08:30 AM

You sound like a very kind and understanding friend. God bless you and your patience!