 Update on me.......
Hi ladies. Thank you so much for the replies on my other thread about the bad day I had this week. It was so nice to hear from you all and to know I am not the only one. It was also nice for me to get out the words for some of you. I still am very angry and it sems to be taking over my life. It's starting to destroy me. I sit at work and now I just yell at people who did nothing, I completely put people on the sh*t list if they say one thing to me that maybe they meant well but p*ssed me off and I can't seem to give them second chances. Since Wednesday I think I came to the conclusion that I was more mad that everyone kept it from me then the fact that this girl was pg. I can catorgize the girl as someone I don't really care for, so since I don't talk to her, she wont be comfortable talking about it, or complaining in front of. So that's fine. If it was a friend, I wouldn't be able to handle that. It's my selfish way of looking at life. Like 'How could my friend do that to me"? I know it has nothing to do with me, that they need to live their life, but I would feel betrayed. So it's easier if it's someone I don't like. But for the rest of the group, my closet girlfriends - when I was still out grieving and when I got back to work I had asked that they not keep anything from me. I asked them to not stop talking about theri kids in front of me because they were afraid of me freaking out, or to avoid me. I want it to be normal as normal can be. That's what I eed. And if I don't hear them talking about their kids, I'm sure I'll hear other friends talking about their kids at some point or even when i go to the store it's in my face. How can I move on if your sheltering me? So they all said that they would do that for me. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard for me, but I wanted the pain in my face. I wanted to deal wiht it now and et it over with. If you "protect" me from it, how can I deal with it? It will come up at some point. SO when this girl announced she was pregnant, and that everyone else knew for days, I got really angry. How could my friends do this to me? A heads up would have been nice? Or even be there for me when she did tell me. But no one was there. They knew it was coming and they all hid in their offices and when I came out running they all looked the other way because they couldn't endure a fraction of the pain that I deal with day in and day out for 5 short minutes. I feel like I was all alone when the doctor told me DYlan had passed and I was all alone when this gil dropped the bomb on me. Two bombs - 1 she was pg and 2- everyone else had already known. Thanks guys for making me feel like an outcast yet again. So my boss had a meeting with everyone to discuss my wishes and they all said they were scared for me and get mixed emotions from me and that they don't think I know what's best for me. People who have never had to deal with burying a child are going to tell me what's best for me? I DON'T THINK SO! Why do I have to draw everyone a picture for them to get it right? WHy do I have to struggle with my daily challenges and getting up every morning and have to struggle with my friends? They all say "well Laura we don't know what to do or say to make it better" - I just told you what to do. I said don't hid anything from me and you didn't respect my wishes. You made your own decisions and now you've made it that much more difficult for me. It was a no brainer like a regisrty. I put down what I want and you pick from that list - you don't even have to think about a gift you just pick one out. You couldn't even do that. So now I HATE you all and never what to deal with you ever again. You couldn't do 1 thing for me that I asked. Isn't there a bereaved parents wish list or something that states "When I ask you to do something, please do. It's hard for me to ask some one to do something for me so when I ask you to do something please do it" or something like that?
So my angry of this has made me say to hell with my friends. Get the F out of my way. I have enough todeal with let alone you failing on me all the time. So I cut them all out. And everyone I talk to says "Laura you can't do that. Put yourself in their shoes". NO because they don't put themselves in mine or do what I ask. I feel so betrayed. SO far I've felt like I've been doing this all on my one, I don't need them now.
Sorry it was so long. I just wanted to give an update and to clarify what I was really angry at.
Laura
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