Upset - friend's comments on PCOS probs

tory · 03-08-2007, 02:51 PM

Hello there everyone,

Excuse me for posting this here, but I'm not sure where else to put it.

To cut a long story short - I've got PCOS, I'm on Metformin and a BCP (to control acne and give me periods) and I got married last July to the love of my life. I'm 28, reasonably thin still, and loving life. DH and I want to have children, but not quite yet. Not years away, but no yet. We are enjoying our first year of married life, settling in to our new house, and still developing our careers.

My best friend from childhood has just had her first baby. She struggled to conceive after a miscarriage, and so her baby was tremendously longed for. I went to see her last weekend, and I must admit I had the "tug" of nature and felt very broody indeed. Not enough, however, to go against my instincts, which are to wait a bit longer, particularly given that DH doesn't feel ready yet as well.

Fast forward to today, when I receive a tremendously long email from her, basically advising me to start trying now. I felt like she was teaching me to suck eggs - I know there are more risks as I get older (although I'm hardly very old!) and I know it will be hard. I fully expect to need to use Clomid.

I just feel hurt, and lectured to! I wish she'd respect my decision. Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks for reading,

Toryx

AussiRayne · 03-08-2007, 03:17 PM

I've been told the same thing by people (family and just acquaintances) and they don't even know about my PCOS. I'm only 26 years old and they all seem to think that because I'm closer to 30 than 20, I should be looking for a husband and trying to have kids right this second.

I think you should just explain to her that you are aware that conceiving can be difficult and you recognize the extra challenge of having PCOS and then ask her to just let you make your own decisions. Just tell her that you know your own body and in your heart, it's not time for you to start trying right now. Hopefully she can accept that and it will be done. However, if she continues to lecture you, then make that topic off limits for the time being. Just ask that she not discuss it with you because it is a personal matter between you and your husband.

I know it's hard for people who don't have PCOS (or have never dealt with it) to understand your decisions or your PCOS issues but it's still your life and sometimes you have to upset people a little in order to stand behind your decisions.

Good luck with everything!

ttara123 · 03-08-2007, 03:49 PM

That sucks, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be mean - she was just trying to be helpful although the "help" was unwelcome.

I think people just get like that. Once one couple gets married, they immediately feel like the experts on married life and everyone else's relationships. When one couple has a baby, they start wanting everyone else to have one, too. We all do it. It sounds like she thinks she gained all this wisdom and wants to dispense it...either put up with it or ask that she respects your privacy.

deedlebug06 · 03-08-2007, 04:07 PM

Yeah, I agree with Ttara123 - I don't think she did it to be hurtful, but to be helpful. With what she has been through, she probably wants to make sure that you, her childhood BF doesn't have to go through all the rigamorale she did, since she obviously knows you wat to have children at some point. I would just thank her for her advice and leave it at that.

AmericanWoman · 03-08-2007, 05:01 PM

I think she is looking out for you and loves you, even if her advice seems a bit um, strong.
Good posts here...I would just add, tell her what I told you, but that you are not ready for a child right now.

flubby · 03-08-2007, 05:06 PM

I don't think itas a being married thing I think its becuase she doesn't want you to struggle like she did. Maybe now she has a baby she has looked back over how hard thigs were for her and she doesn't want you to go through it. Maybe now she's said it once that'll be it.

tory · 03-08-2007, 05:54 PM

Thank you all for your wonderful, thoughtful comments. I feel very blessed that you all took the time to reply!

I feel a lot better now. Your insight has made me sit back and reflect on it, and I now realise she was just being loving, not wanting me to go through what she'd been through - and of course, heavily coloured by her new arrival and therefore her new perspective on the world! I also think there's an element of "I've got a baby, now you should have one too" - which I will just have to live with. She was a bit like this when she got married before me, too!!

I think I'll reply in a day of so, thanking her for her comments, but asking her to respect our decision and leave us be for a bit. We're different creatures, with very different lives. I'm sure hubbie and I will feel ready in a year or so - I certainly don't want to leave it for very long - but for now, we just need to breathe.

Thanks so much for all your replies.

Toryx

Fuzzy Bear · 03-08-2007, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flubby

I don't think itas a being married thing I think its becuase she doesn't want you to struggle like she did. Maybe now she has a baby she has looked back over how hard thigs were for her and she doesn't want you to go through it. Maybe now she's said it once that'll be it.

I agree totally with this. When I found out more about P.C.O.S. I wanted to find a way to tell the world how to avoid all the pitfalls we've had to go through.

I think she's thinking of your heart and wants to keep it from being broken when you do decide that it is time to add someone to your family. My pregnancies were when I was 27, 33 and 35. The only regret I have is that I don't have the energy I had with my first one, and I am worried that I might miss seeing my grandchildren now. Other than that, I have no problem with waiting for the right time.
Go with your gut feeling, but never wait until you can afford a child. Something else will definitely come up when you think you can manage it.

Fuzzy Bear

MelodyGrace · 03-08-2007, 06:12 PM

Oh man did I hear this LEFT AND RIGHT. There was one specific person who would hunt me down and lecture me EVERY time I saw her. I finally sat her down (asked her to come sit with me nicely) and explained to her in a calm manor how hard it was for me to constantly hear advice, that was not asked for, on a regular basis from so many people. I let her know that she wasn't the only one who felt their advice was the right advice and that believe it or not, some others actually advised that I waited until the 'right' time.

I know it may seem harsh how I confronted her, but she does this to EVERYONE about everything. I let her know how hurt I would feel after being around her and how I didn't want to feel that. I explained that DH and I hadn't 'prevented' anything for years, but I didn't feel it was anyone's business and that God would bring us a baby when He was ready and when WE were ready. Needless to say, she NEVER haunted me after that! LOL I think she even spread the word on my 'hurt' feelings because a lot of the other 'overly advise giving' women layed off the unasked for advice. I was SO happy about this.

Being transparent and open to someone can be difficult, but you know what ... after it was all said and done, I think it was more for HER than for me. Sometimes people just need to realize that their 'caring' advice is very hurtful and maybe they should 'check' themselves before just letting their thoughts come out their mouths. But, this is just my opinion.

You will totally know when you're ready and don't let anyone tell you different. Hang in there!

ETA: When DH and I were 'ready' it still took us many years, but I wouldn't trade them and the hard times for anything because they made us stronger. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and there was a reason we had to go thru what we did. It made us who we are and I wouldn't change it for the world.

dragnfy · 03-08-2007, 06:16 PM

I agree with the PP that your friend was giving advise out of love.

I've been there...

I wanted to wait a while & have a baby by 2 or 3 years, but with PCOS it took us 4 years after we started TTC & we were not preventing it ever. I too once thought "I'll take a pill (clomid) & get PG right off the bat when we start TTC" Sometimes it just doesn't work like that & you don't know until you start trying... By the time I got PG my brain didn't even believe it was possible... I even set here with 5 weeks to go & still wonder if this is REALLY it... If she knows anything about PCOS she probably said that b/c even if you started TTC now it could be 5 or 10 years before you got PG... Conceiving before then would just be a blessing... You have way more than age against waiting with PCOS... The problem is you just never know till you try... If I knew then, what I know now I would have been actively TTC from "I do"...

I admire your optimism & hope you are one of the blessed cysters & have no problems getting pg, have a H & H 9 months...

She probably just thought she could save you from some of the hurt...

ETA- I'm grateful for the alone time I had with DH as well...

BobbysMommie · 03-09-2007, 12:07 AM

That sucks! I think people are "trying" to be helpful but they don't understand. The same thing happend to my dh and I except we had been married for 6 years before we started trying to concieve. (We even started avoiding people that would harp on us for not having a baby yet) We did have to use clomid because of all of our issues but you know what, it took only 4 cycles of it and now we have the most wonderful ds that I could ever have wished for. I'm also so glad that we waited because dh and I had such a long time for us that right now we don't feel like we are missing anything. We are totally devoted to being parents and loving every mintue of it! You 2 do what's right for you and don't worry about everyone else. They mean well but they sure aren't going to be there at 3am when the baby wakes up crying and you have to get up for work at 5! Make sure your ready! And Good Luck!

serenity1981 · 03-09-2007, 01:23 AM

I know it might sound like she was telling you what to do, but i spect her heart was in the right place.
She proberly feels like she is helping you in her way, even if it was misplaced.
I wouldn't take offence to this, as you said you've been friends for a long time she proberly just don't want you suffer anymore then what you need to.
If i were you just brush off the email and if she brings it up again then tell her that you will handle your life in your way and in your own time, but thanks for her concern.