Which way to go? (long)

choirmissy · 04-19-2005, 07:39 PM

I am posting this in this forum and the TTC forum. I haven't been here long & mostly lurk, but I also feel that you all have more experience with this than the average person, and I need advice.

I was diagnosed with PCOS about 5 weeks ago. We had been TTC for about 2 years & some other symptoms found by my family doctor plus the trip to the OB/GYN brought it all about. I started met right away and have started ovulating already on my own.

However, we have other problems. DH had no sperm found at all in his semen sample. Yes, he is considering going in for the testing again, but he has had diabetes since he was 5, plus has testosterone problems, so I don't see a whole lot changing there. We talked about it more, and he is really concerned about passing his genes onto a child because of all his health issues.

So, now I believe we are looking at 2 options--- a sperm bank or international adoption. Neither of us are opposed at all to the idea of adoption. However, DH was convicted of a felony when he was 15 (not child abuse related at all, but not good either). Drugs played a large part in the crime. That would not have worried me, but 3 years ago before we were able to get him on the proper medication for his bipolar disorder, he smoked pot that we later found out was laced with cocaine, so he now has a drug conviction from then. He has been completely clean since, and we have his medications worked out. However, because of his health issues, he has had problems holding a job. I am a teacher and have been at the same job for 13 years, and it is enough to support us both when necessary. However, I have real doubts as to whether or not we would pass any home study, even though I truly believe we have a stable household and would be good parents.

Our insurance covers nothing fertility-related, so if we would consider the sperm bank, we would have to pay for everything, also with no guarantee that it would work.

I'm very disheartened and down right now. Any advice or experience that anyone can give regarding either direction would be very helpful. I know I have a lot of research to do, but I feel like I need direction as well.

Thanks,
Melissa

Lisa2008 · 04-19-2005, 07:51 PM

i could see the drug conviction becoming a problem with passing a homestudy, but you can always call an agency and ask them about it. Is there anything he can do to get rid of the conviction? could he get a pardon or anything like that?
the other option other than sperm bank is finding a donar yourself, and doing self insemination. but that is i am sure a touchy subject. good luck

tariana · 04-19-2005, 08:03 PM

Well, no offense intended, but if I was an adoption agency, I would not look kindly on any serious crimes, which drug offenses certainly are. I would much rather place children in homes where the parents weren't criminals (for whatever reason and however far into the past it may be) You could call some agencies and check though. Some may have more lenient policies than others. I would just advise doing some research before you really get your heart set on adoption, because it'll just break your heart all the more if it turns out your DH's conviction would prevent you from adopting. Better to find out now, in my opinion. Good luck whatever you choose.

choirmissy · 04-19-2005, 09:49 PM

No, I don't take offense because that would have been my initial thought before it became part of my reality. Had the event 3 years ago not taken place, he could have had the 1st offense striken from the record. I don't condone what he did either time, but I also know that the proper medication for the bipolar disorder has made a world of difference. I also would not even consider having a child if I didn't firmly believe we could provide a good home. I see too many children at school that I would love to take out of their current homes because they are not thriving in the homes they're in. I would never want to put a child into that situation.

SuzyQ · 04-23-2005, 06:03 PM

Choirmissy- I would suggest that you speak to a social worker (or two)- tell them just what your concerns are, and the specifics of your situation. Honestly it's the only way you're going to know for sure. DH and I have attended presentations for both public and private adoption agencies, and both said it was most important to be honest and up front about anything that may have occurred in the past- that they could work with most situations. (And just remember, no one is perfect, and most people do have a skeleton or two in their closet.) All you can do is be open and honest about it. If adoption is the way you are meant to build your family, then you will find an organization that is willing to work with you.

Best of luck!

LaurAnnHere · 04-23-2005, 06:20 PM

I personally, would look into a private sperm donor. Maybe a friend or a relative (on his side of course!) An IUI isn't very expensive. If I remember correctly we only paid $200 or $300 for ours each time. That's expensive for us but not as much as we had anticipated it costing. I don't think I would want to be put through the scrutiny that adoption would entail for you in your situation if it is even possible. If you do decide to do that, be careful on who you select because they will be the biological father of your child. I don't know what legal implications that may have. It probably differs from state to state. You should investigate that before you proceed.

stark tjej · 04-27-2005, 06:35 PM

With both domestic and international adoption you have to have a homestudy - so talking with a social worker or agency about your husband's past and your lives now would be the best way to go as far as adoption is concerned.