Are we supposed to care about other peoples feelings right now?

shandris · 10-26-2005, 06:42 PM

Can I ask you ladies something...how much are you supposed to care for others during your own time of grief and mourning?
I ask because it just hit me today that I have not talked to my father since the day after my m/c while I was still in the hospital. I called my mom while I was still in the ER...she in turn told my father. When she called me later on in my hospital room she was at home, I asked her where dad was and she said he was in the bedroom and that he was taking it really, really hard. She said he was breaking down like he did when his mother died. Grandma just passed in April 05. Then she said that he said he couldn't talk to me right then. Then the next day he called me to say he loved me, and I can try again. That is the last time I talked to him. Mom came to my house that Saturday (2 days after m/c) but dad didn't come with her. Also, mom doesn't talk to me about it, and if she hears my voice start to crack she gets off of the phone...quick! So whenever she calls I just say I am ok, no matter how I am feeling. But is that fair to me? I mean, I figure the m/c may have brought up unresolved feelings about grandma's death for dad, but why literally take it out on me? It has been almost a month now. But you know...I haven't made a effort to call him either. Actually I don't call anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, including my mother. I only want to talk and be with DH, no one else or their feelings really matter to me right now. When I talk to or am around others I feel the need to make them feel comfortable, and that is not healthy for me because I have started to resent people for making me feel like I should be ok when I am not. People keep telling me to be gentle with myself, but 1) I don't know how, I mean I really don't understand how to do that and 2) noone else is being gentle with me (except for DH, he is being wonderfully gentle with me)...the world wants and demands that I be ok, or at least act like I am. Ok, I think I'm gonna get busy working...think about something else for a little while. DAng anger keeps rearing it ugly head....is it pity to feel this way. Geez, i don't even know how to grieve. I get mad at myself for not crying and then I get mad at myself for crying...I am stronger than that...or I should be. My mom has never cried, that I know of...she is emotionally numb...and that is the way she raised me to be...so all of the conflicting feelings and thoughts are going on inside of me. That may explain why I don't really cry around people, only when I am by myself...even with DH who had to tell me it is ok to cry around him. Ok gotta go now. thanks for letting me vent...probably more to come.

LaurAnnHere · 10-26-2005, 06:54 PM

No, you need to worry about yourself and your own needs right now. I agree, the world puts unfair demands on us to breaze through the grieving process and be "okay" so quickly. People don't even seem to acknowlege that you lost a baby. If they do, they use a bunch of stupid cliches that are more hurtful than helpful. I don't know how to tell you how to be gentle with yourself, either. Part of grieving is finding ways to blame yourself when there is no room to place blame. We torture ourselves in ways that nobody else on Earth could. I know everyone says you have to "move on" but right now you just need to "get by." Whatever it takes to get by is what you should do, no matter what anyone else thinks or feels about it. If you don't feel like talking to anyone right now, then cuddle with your hubby and turn off the phone.

TommysGirl · 10-26-2005, 07:00 PM

It is okay to feel the way you do. It is a real hard time. I have noticed myself that it wasn't just me & my DH that lost our baby it was our whole family and our friends. You said that you mother doesn't show emotion that may be why she gets off the phone with you, it is most likely hard for her too. I am glad that you are able to talk to your DH about your loss he sounds like a great support. I wish I could say something to make you feel so much better but I know there are no words. Hang in there and take care of yourself and try not to worry about everyone else. Have you told your mother how you feel?

Brenna

shandris · 10-26-2005, 07:03 PM

[quote= Have you told your mother how you feel?

Brenna[/QUOTE]

No, I am probably won't ever tell her or my dad. My family is the picture of avoidance. Just thankful for DH. If it weren't for him...don't know what condition I would be in.

Mustard Seed · 10-26-2005, 07:15 PM

I'm so sorry for the way your parents are making you feel through this. I was raised to not cry in front of others and to be strong also, but I've come to realize that that is really unhealthy. Not that we need to cry in front of the world to be emotionally healthy, just that we need not to hold back the tears in front of others when they are threatening to come, like they are so much right now. I understand your feelings of not wanting to make other people uncomfortable by crying or talking about your m/c - I was just discussing those same feelings of mine with my dh last night. If I'm in a sad mood and I have to be around other people, those are the times when I feel like I am infecting people by not being my normal, cheery self. And then if they don't ask about my m/c, I don't want to be the one to bring it up. But if they do, I don't want to tell them the truth because then they'll just feel sorry for me and not know what to say. Again, I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with all this right now, and that your family is making it harder on you. ((hugs))

*Clarissa* · 10-26-2005, 07:17 PM

I didn't even read you'll whole post before I knew what my answer would be.

No, you only need to worry about yourself right now, and that is it. It is hard enough to make it through a loss you do not need to add worry over how your family feels on top of it all. Just take care of yourself the rest will fall back into place and your family shoud understand why you haven't been in contact. Big Hugs.

SheriKCMO · 10-26-2005, 07:44 PM

Being gentle with yourself means not worrying about anything or anyone else. Everyone else who hasn't lost a baby needs to just get over themselves. If you need to be angry, be angry. If you need to be sad, be sad. Just let it flow, especially during these early months while you are still figuring out what your emotions are doing.

I totally identify with what you said about not even knowing how to grieve. Mary Catherine was the first close person I've lost, not that losing anyone else could truly compare to watching your own child die and be put into the ground. So I tried hard to simply follow my heart and let it all out when it needed to come. I think I've done the best that could have been done, and I'm still working on it almost two years later. Never would I allow anyone to put limits on my grieving process or make me feel like I had to be "fine". What kind of person would be fine after such a thing? I sometimes answered, "I'm hanging in there" or "getting by".

My point is that everyone else just needs to deal with whatever you need right now and support your feelings and wishes. Definitely not the other way around. The mother and father are the ones who will bear this loss while everyone else recovers pretty well, so they need to be comforted in whatever way they see fit, including having privacy right now.

enits · 10-26-2005, 09:06 PM

I think it's okay to not think about others at this time in your life. You have to take care of yourself first, otherwise, you'll definitely fall apart. When I lost my little girl last February, my parents called me to see how I was doing. They live out of state so they couldn't just come here and be with me. Anyway, halfway through the phone conversation, I fell apart and started crying. My dad had the audacity to tell me to stop crying because it was tearing him apart. I yelled at him and told him that I just just lost my daughter, how could I not cry? At that point, I didn't care how he was feeling because I needed to let my feelings out. And I'm glad that I didn't tiptoe around anyone. I still have other issues with my father-in-law, but that's another thread.

Just take care of yourself right now. But in doing so, don't forget about your DH since he's hurting, too. Don't worry about what others are thinking about. Focus on healing your own pain. ((hugs))

heidi 1973 · 10-26-2005, 09:15 PM

I agree with everyone's posts above and that you and your DH come first.

When we lost Kenny and Katie - my Dad never really talked with me about it at all and my Mom has and continues to talk with me about it some. Both my parents were at the hospital right after they were born and held them both before they passed away.

In the weeks and months following their deaths, if I would start crying, my Dad just didn't know what to do with himself. So he kind of ignored the issue (usually he was just kind of a bystander in the room). But since his passing last year, my Mom told me that it just hurt him so much to see me grieving and suffering so much and there wasn't anything that he could do to "fix" my pain. I believe that we suffer the worst pain losing our babies, no question, but our parents have lost their grandchildren and are watching their kids go through the worst pain anyone can experience.

Since losing our precious babies, we have had a successful pregnancy and I can now begin to understand more of what my father and mother were going through. I simply cannot imagine watching my daughter go through this kind of pain...it would kill me to not be able to make her pain go away.

That is my experience with this and I hope that it makes sense.

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious son! Hugs!!!!

P.S. By the way, it has been nearly 3 years since we lost Kenny and Katie and I am still angry sometimes. I am at peace with it for the most part, as much as one can be, but I will always miss them until the day that I die!!

shandris · 10-27-2005, 10:42 AM

Thanks ladies. I think I have made up my mind that right now I don't really care how anyone feels except for DH and myself. DH and I ride into work together on the days he has to work (weird schedule). So yesterday after I left work to go pick him up, I had a nice conversation with God. Told Him everything He already knew, and felt a little better. The closer I got to DH's job I started crying. I was just sitting there in the car when he got in and looked at me like 'what's wrong baby?'. I knew that he knew but I just said, "nothing, I'm ok." He just looked at me, kissed me and put his hand on my thigh and said he loves me and just wants me to be ok. I think he is really worried about me. I go into these dazes sometimes where I don't really hear or see anything. Like this morning I almost got us hit by a really, really big truck. DH had told me that the truck was pulling out going our way and to just get behind him instead of beside him, so that he could have room. Well I pulled up beside the truck..that back almost hit us, I had to back up fast to avoid getting us crushed between the truck and the wall. I apologized to DH, I was really freaked out. I heard him but it didn't register. DH just said, that's ok baby. I am in a fog all the time. I woke up this morning with extremely puffy eyes, DH said I was crying in my sleep. He didn't wake me, he just watched over me until I calmed down and feel back into a peaceful sleep. I don't remember that, I do remember dreaming about holding some ladies baby girl. The baby started out so small, but when I picked her up she started growing in my arms, and this voice was coming out of her...she was laughing and giggling and then this male voice started speaking...it was coming from inside of her, but I can't remember what it was saying. I woke up immediately after the voice stopped talking. Now I never hold babies. I really mean never. I will look and maybe touch their hands, but I always said the only baby I would hold is my own...so that part of the dream surprised me. I have a class to go to today around 2 pm, it meets once a week, but I didn't do my homework, nor am I prepared for class today, don't think I will go. It was hard enough to come to work today. If DH hadn't had to work, I probably would have stayed home. Don't wanna stay home if he is not there. Plus, haven't gotten my letter from my doc for my intermittent Family Medical Leave yet. Also, need the hours, depleted most of my time off after....
kinda numb today...it has been 5 weeks today, Tyler would be 22w4d today.
The kicks would have been stronger..I started feeling them around 15 weeks...little flutters...dammit.

numb feels good, don't really have to feel anything. I just wanna sleep until I can't sleep anymore. My thoughts are consumed by wanting...I wanted to go somewhere and scream 'give me my son back'. Doesn't really make sense, maybe if I didn't work at the hospital it happened at, on the same floor, same smell. I can still smell the fluids they pumped into me...it stinks, I still can't get it all out of my system. AF is on, I guess that is it. Hurts like hell, but I won't take anything to lessen the pain. <--stupid I know. Well one more AF and doc says we can try again. Try what, we don't know what 'worked' last time. what if i lose another child...I don't know if I have the strength that so many of you on this board have who have lost more than one child. I am trying really really hard not to just turn into my self and block out everything and everyone other than DH. He knows..he understands, the only one around who does. He hurts too, but he is trying to be strong for me. We don't talk about children much anymore. Even before we concieved we would use hypothetical situations and joke about what we would do if our child were like that or did that...we don't do that much anymore. may never get the chance. glad we hadn't started buying things yet...i put the package away in a drawer that they gave me from the hospital...i just called the nurse to ask what they do with the babies after the m/c...they didn't tell me at the time, he was so small..i want him back now.

TurtleLove · 10-27-2005, 11:07 AM

no two people grieve alike nor do we grieve in the same time context. do it how you want to, let it out here if you want to we are here and we get it each in our own way. big hug for you girlie!!!

VivC · 10-27-2005, 01:39 PM

Your pain sounds so familiar. I could have written your post a year ago. After Rivi died, I would wake up every morning sobbing. I wouldn't even know what I was crying about, but I just woke up in so much emotional pain. Hubby would hold me, but he didn't know how to comfort me (there was really no way he could, anyway). I remember sleeping so much. I wasn't working at the time, so I spent days/weeks in bed, only getting up to pee. Hubby had to force me to eat or drink anything.

If you keep feeling this level of pain for much longer, please think about joining a support group or seeing a therapist. I wish I'd done that sooner. Instead, I kept myself in a lot of pain that I could have begun working through much sooner.

Hmm...when I tell someone to be gentle with herself after a loss, I mean that she should be patient and not put too many expectations on herself. We all grieve at our own pace, and some women take longer than others to be "okay" with the loss (it's never going to be fully okay, though). I hate when I read women saying that they should be over it by now, they were only X weeks, etc. After a loss, you're hormonal and grieving. There's no normal timeline for it, so you should be patient with yourself. And, IMO, by worrying about others' feelings, you may be putting too many expectations on yourself. You're grieving, and it's okay to be selfish and want to focus on YOU and YOUR pain right now.

I know your parents are hurting, but it's not your place to help them heal. Are you involved with any bereavement groups? Does your hospital have a social worker you can call? When Rivi died, I was given a HUGE folder full of pamphlets. Two of them were geared towards grandparents...they told them what to expect while their child was grieving, how the loss might affect them (the grandparents), and ways to help themselves and their child heal. Hopefully you can get your hands on something like that and give it to them.

But their pain is NOT your concern right now. Your only concern should be YOU.

Viv

shandris · 10-27-2005, 03:02 PM

Thanks Viv, you have been a tremendous help through all of this on this board for me. Yes, I see a social worker at least once a week, he wanted maybe twice a week, but for right now it is just one week...he calls me at home and at work, he is really great. Right now he is calling people at work (we are both at the hospital) to see what happened to my son's remains and if there are any more pictures (I threw them away the next day, couldn't take it)...i feel the need to have those things right now.

VivC · 10-28-2005, 11:57 AM

((Shandris)). I hope you get some pics and answers. This will take time, probably a LONG time, but one day it won't hurt as much.

*Clarissa* · 10-28-2005, 02:16 PM

You can get those pamplets through the March of Dimes, just look on their website. They sent me a whole packet full of stuff like that after I lost the babies.