I had some bleeding at 11:30 and kind of freaked... called my nurse to ask if they could see me today. They saw me at 2:10. There is no longer a heartbeat
I will be taking cytotec tonight to induce things. I haven't had any bleeding since 11:30. I was so hoping it was just a little thing and I was over-reacting.
I don't really know how I feel here. Angry? Yes... but relieved in a way because this whole thing has had such a shakey start I have felt sure there was something wrong all along and in a way I am glad to be done worrying something is wrong. The worst that can happen has happened and I can stop wondering if I am pregnant or not. It has been hideous this past month feeling like I don't know if I am pregnant! Should I be excited? Should I be fearful? Should I tell family since we saw a heartbeat? Is everything going to be OK? I just haven't been able to be excited, I have only felt like something was WRONG all this time. A whole freaking month of feeling like this!
Guess it's back to TTC in a few weeks. Hopefully we've hit upon the right combo of meds now and we'll have better luck next time. At least we got THIS far after 4 cycles of nothing but a chemical pregnancy.
__________________ DS b. 11/16/03 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
I'm very sorry things turned out this way. I'm glad your ordeal is over, not knowing and all of that, but I wish it had been a big healthy kiddo instead.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Sorry RD for your loss...I also have m/c'd twice after seeing a heartbeat. I don't believe them anymore when they say after you see a h/b your chances go way down to m/c. Let's hope we all will have better luck next time.
I'm very sorry for your loss. It's been a heck of a week all around. Miscarriage makes one feel very alone, but in the context of these boards, I really wanted to be alone in it and not have anyone else go through it. You all have been trying so hard and wanting it so badly, it really pains me to hear these stories.
It's very interesting what we really know deep down. I also had always found the idea that I was pregnant unbelievable, but I had written it off as shock at the unexpected. Turns out I was right, that it wasn't going to work out. Right before the doctor took the first bad news ultrasound I remember screaming at the nurse -- "well, am I pregnant or not? It's ten weeks, are you ever going to check for the heartbeat?". I hope the next time you don't have these odd feelings and instead just have that inner sense that you KNOW that there's a little person in there.
I'm not a big believer in the [small] risk of m/c after seeing a heart beat any more, either. Then again, I dunno, the heart beat was FAINT... maybe if you get a GOOD heartbeat, the risk really does go down. Maybe a faint heartbeat from an embryo that's barely hanging on just doesn't cut it. Who knows?
I feel so freaking ODD right now. Partly I think because I got next to no sleep last night. I don't know why but I just tossed and turned until some time after 6am. So I am kind of sleep-deprived fuzzy-headed. Took the cytotec last night and had some cramping all night long so I was taking vicodin and vicodin seems to put me in some weird, mellow, calm place where I somehow can't sleep. Very odd.
Bleeding, but haven't passed the sac(s) yet that I can tell.
I feel like I wish I could work up some real anger or sadness here or something but I feel like while I am definately sad I more feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Horray! It's over!
Mainly I am also annoyed with myself because I feel like this is my fault. Not in some cosmic what did I do wrong sort of way, but because I know I don't take very great care of myself. I binge eat, I exercise sporadically, I drink too much diet pepsi. I've put on more than a few pounds in the last year or so and I'm completely disgusted with myself. I'm a PCOS insulin surge poster child. I feel like I started the fertility treatments because I am too impatient or lazy or will-powerless to fix myself and I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. Treat myself like crap AND get pregnant. Of course I would clean up my act once I was pregnant but I know that isn't good enough. You can't make good eggs if you're in crappy health.
So I'm not irrationally blaming myself here or anything, just more or less wondering when I am going to either wake up and take better care of myself, or give up and accept that this is never going to work out if I don't straighten up my act.
Maybe 3 losses will finally be my wake-up call, who knows. I'm not going to stop treatments because I am impatient and even if I do straighten up, things will probably work out faster with treatments. But I need to stop relying on them as the whole answer. Maybe I shouldn't even bother doing another cycle if I can't eat like a sensible human being for however long they want me taking a break.
But why is it so hard for me to follow a healthy eating plan? I know what I need to do, and I know the consequences if I don't. And yet eating an entire bag of potato chips or half a box of cereal still seems like a good idea some times.
Of course I could be wrong and this could all just be bad luck but somehow I refuse to believe that. I really think I am partly or totally responsible here.
Anyway I just need to get that all out.
__________________ DS b. 11/16/03 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
DDs b. 3/28/08 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. X2
"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
Last edited by RunnerDuck; 04-28-2007 at 06:10 PM.
I feel like I started the fertility treatments because I am too impatient or lazy or will-powerless to fix myself and I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. Treat myself like crap AND get pregnant. Of course I would clean up my act once I was pregnant but I know that isn't good enough.
Wow... this... wow. You're not alone in this feeling at all. I could have written this word by word. It's hard to make changes. Really hard. Please don't beat yourself up.
Mainly I am also annoyed with myself because I feel like this is my fault. Not in some cosmic what did I do wrong sort of way, but because I know I don't take very great care of myself. I binge eat, I exercise sporadically, I drink too much diet pepsi. I've put on more than a few pounds in the last year or so and I'm completely disgusted with myself. I'm a PCOS insulin surge poster child. I feel like I started the fertility treatments because I am too impatient or lazy or will-powerless to fix myself and I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. Treat myself like crap AND get pregnant. Of course I would clean up my act once I was pregnant but I know that isn't good enough. You can't make good eggs if you're in crappy health.
Let that one go right now. I have been eating PERFECTLY for the last eight years. I lost 100 pounds without pills or surgery -- sheer willpower, deprivation and walking past anything that looks good to eat. Food has no joy for me anymore, except that baking destresses me, but I can't even eat what I make. I exercise every day. I got pregnant naturally, with an egg that decided to come out all by itself. I've never taken Met, Clomid, etc. I've had regular cycles. And my baby is just as gone as yours.
If you want to eat better and exercise because it makes you feel better, that's wonderful and do it. But you're not being "punished" because you didn't go to the gym and can actually enjoy a cookie. Doing everything perfectly is no guarantee of anything, and who's perfect? The horrible part of miscarriage is that there is really very little you can do if it starts to happen, especially in the early stages. I would LOVE to think that my behavior entitled me to a better result than someone else's, but I know that it doesn't, and it didn't. And let me tell you something -- "taking care of yourself" is boring, draining, tiring and dull. It takes over your life. All I wanted to do this week was sit down and eat a pint of wonderful ice cream, you know, the kind with sugar and calories. And I simply couldn't do it, it just would have made me cry harder.
I'm angry about a lot of things right now, but I always understood that there was very little I could do to ensure that the baby would make it. It's not my fault, it's no one's fault. And that stinks worst of all. Wouldn't it be nice if there was someone we could blame? But don't blame yourself. You're already going through enough.
Well, so much for that miraculous pregnancy 
I hope this hug will cheer you up And if you need anyone whose been through it to talk to please feel free to ask me anything.
