sorry about the spelling but i know it sucks, please deal w/ it. ok to catch everyone up to speed first i and happily married for just over a year and my wife has not been officaly dionogesed with PCOS but they are just waiting on the labs. the problem i'm having is from the effects of this f'ing sickness. bc of this she is not ovulating, the eggs are forming cysts on her overies. this causes all sorts of problems. the worst of them are migraines, depression, anger (due to the headaches and depression), and a wacked out period (the last 6-7 months stright). i'm helping her the best i can but i fell i can't do anything right. if i stay with her and try to help i annoy her, if i stay with her and don't try to help she thinks i'm mad at her, and if i leave her alone bc it seems to be what she wants i'm ignoring her! it's making me nuts and i know it's no realy her but the pcos that is making her act like this bc it screws with her hormone levels, and i'm sorry but any man (and most women) here will agree that when a woman's hormones get messed up, weather it's her time of the month or she pregnant or what ever to watch out. the problem is this is making me stressed out and seriously depressed. those of you who have known me for a while know my temper and i am catching it flare up more and more, this is made even worse becouse of my high stress job. i know my wife loves me and we say it to each other alot but to be honest i am feeling like i am being a big baby bc she won't lay her head on my chest anymore or just come to me for a hug or cuddle up to me at night ( i know part of the reason for this is me, my overactive metoblisiom turns me into a 6'8" 206 lbs space heater) or anything, i feel we are nowhere near as close as we were even a few months ago, and no i don't just mean the sex and personal contact, i feel she is putting up a wall and there is nothing i can do about it. there is a lot more i want to say but i haven't found how to put it into words. any thoughts and positive feed back would mean alot to me. please rember this is my first post and i am new to the whole situation so don't chew me out like i see has been done to others here.
It sounds like you at least have a understanding of what she is going thru. That is VERY important. I think that my advice to you would be to communicate with your wife. Let her know how you feel as far as being there for her. Make sure she knows that you are not ignoring her or mad at her, but you are always there if she needs you. One thing that I did and you may want to suggest it to her, if you think it would help, I wrote my DH a letter when I was first dx'ed. In the letter I told him how I felt about having PCOS. It may make her feel better to get it down on paper. It also sounds like she has been dealing with symptoms for awhile and that can be VERY frustrating. Escpecially if you are seeing doctors and no one is telling you what is wrong. Once the labs come back hopefully they can get her on meds and start helping her deal with this!
This is a new thing for both of you to being going thru and it is great that you are trying to help her thru it. If you are able, I would suggest you go with her to her doctors appointments. Be the person that takes notes on what the doctor says so that when she gets home and it completely overwhelmed she will have notes to remind her of what the doctor said.
I dont know how active your wife is, but maybe in the evening take a walk with her. The exercise will help with the PCOS and I would think that it would help with your temper.
I hope some of this helps you. We are always here to help you and know that you two are not going thru this alone!!!
Last edited by momoftwins; 06-17-2007 at 09:03 PM.
thank you soo much! i have been reading some of these posts and the guys get torn apart for being frustrated. this is the exact reason i posted this! your advice of taking notes is great, i'll be sure to use it. she has been displaying symptoms since she was 15 and she is now 26, when she first found out she felt it was like saying i told you so, there is something wrong with me.
i do try to help her exercise w/ taking walks or going for swims, and it does seem to help but then she gets drained. i have found an odd way to vent stress but it's one that has worked for me for years, video games. i can plug in a good action fill rpg like a resident evil, splinter cell, or metal gear solid game and just lose myself in it for a bit. i don't recomend just shooter games though. if you notice the games that are most effective, while being shooting games also require you to think, solve puzzles, and even compleate missions that take real concentration. this gets my mind off my problem, giving me a chance to step back, take a deep breath, and just get things in perspective, when i am in a mood like that though i have to be careful bc i can lose all track of time, i find if i set an alarm, on my watch or phone for example and limit myself to no more then 1 1/2 hours at a time it works best. i hope this can help other guys and i welcome and request any other HELPFUL suggestions that are out there. if you just want to yell at me please just keep it to yourself bc i am here for help and the occosional vent/rant just like everyone else.
again thak you very much momoftwins for you support and understanding, people like you are the reason i joined the site after reading it for almost a month.
__________________ doing what i can to be a supportive husband
biker_jt: It is very hard to realize there is something "wrong" with you as a woman....especially when it deals with your fertility. It is wonderful to hear that you try to be supportive to her! I would not even THINK of yelling at you! What it sounds like to me, is that you need to sit her down and have a talk with her. Tell her exactly what you said in your posts. Ask her if she wants you to comfort her. I love it if my hubby is open and asks questions.
Is she on any medications? I just had a baby, and have gone back on my Metformin, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. It is insane the difference that stuff makes for some people. Hormones are a really terrible thing to have out of whack whether you are trying to conceive or not. I remember when I got diagnosed with PCOS I thought it was the most horrible thing ever. It is hard, both mentally and physically. (not only on the woman, but her loving husband too...ask my hubby...)
I hope my rambling post has helped in some way....I hope nobody yells at you...if they do...yell back! Happy to have helped (if I did!)
thank you for defending me on my thread. Reading your first post was a god send. You mentioned that it was like your wife has put up a wall. I never thought of it that way before. I guess you're right. It is like a wall - more like a fortress for me though.
You're not doing anything wrong, dude. At least you and you're wife caught it early enough in your marriage that you can avoid some of the things that have put a strain on my marriage. My best advice to you right now is to never give her any reason to doubt that you love her. Tell her every day. Treat her the way you did when you first started courting her.
She's not feeling the greatest about herself right now and doubting your committment to her will only thicken the wall and you'll eventually find yourself where I am right now - lonely and broken hearted.
I'm here for you, man. You can email me whenever you need to. I may not answer right away but I will get back to you (neechogan@hotmail.com).
Don't know about the other ladies, but I wouldn't chew you for being frustrated. We are too!! This condition makes a lot of women feel downright ugly, and this will cause us to pull back from physical affection, even innocent hugs. Talk to your wife about what she needs from you. She probably forgets that you aren't a mind reader! She has been dealing with this for a long time and might not realize that you are out of the loop.
I think it is great that you have joined us here to try and support your wife. Hang in there. Hugs.
__________________ Lucky mommy of Quinn, 6 years.
PCOS, IBS, Clinical Depression, Lyme Disease, allergies
trying to go natural, down to 1 script, 1 OTC(love u Zyrtec!) and lots of vitamins
thank you all for your helpfull tips. i and doing what i can and we seem to have had more good days lately. i am glad to say that the members who were causing trouble seem to have left this section of the page alone, they were a big reason i took so long joing and i hope they get the help and support they need but this section is the only one for us guys so i'm sorry but you will see tips, requests for help and yes, rants all in the same page and sometimes the same post. i want to thank all the women here for putting up with us guys espcaly when we get frustrated. most of us hate feeling powerless to do anything and that is what this causes us to feel
__________________ doing what i can to be a supportive husband
Do you go to your wifes Dr. appts? Sometimes I think it would be helpful to have an nonhormonal advocate at my side. Someone who can say.... This is NOT in her head... and back her up.
It's amazing how hard this damn disease is on everyone around it.
Hang in there... I think I read that she is trying to get PG... that just makes things even harder... you grow up taking care of your dolls... you have this plan for you life since childhood... and then bam... sorry...not for you... or at least not just yet.
I often recommend meditative CDs that I used while going through all the fertility... http://www.anjionline.com
I also recommend that women with our condition take up a hobby that has NOTHING to do with getting PG or balancing our hormones or anything like that... something to remind us there can be joy in our lives elsewhere...
I'm rambling... best of luck to you!
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I think it is wonderful that you care enough about your wife to be here sharing your frustrations. I hope Wombat Woman doesn't find your thread. She was the only true one that kept tearing Neechogan down for trying to do the right thing and keep his relationship together.
Walks in the park are a great thing. Don't go to fast - but just getting her out and getting her moving will help you guys alot.
Maybe she shouldn't have to be the one to put her head on your shoulder first..maybe you should reach over and grab her hand out of the blue one night and tell her how much she really means to you. It would make me feel awesome if my dbf did that sometime. Also flowers for no real reason (even the cheap $10 walmart ones) will work miracles on a ladies heart.
Good luck to ya!
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I am sure your wife doesn't mean to put up a wall........ You have to realize (like you said) when our hormones are all out of whack you don't know what to expect. For us it is even more frustrating. I find I get very moody and really can't control my actions. I know in my head I am not acting rationally but it never stops me from making a fool out of myself. My advice is just be there for her when she wants you to be. You can always vent here or to others just be sure not to vent to her. If she hasn't been diagnosed yet that means she isn't on treatment. I am sure once she starts some kind of treatment she will become her old self again.
It took me a full 6 months after starting treatment to feel "NORMAL" again. For the 2 years before daignosis and treatment I really thought I had some horrible life threating disease and I was going to die because I felt sooooo bad. Now I feel great and I am ready to take on the world. So see there is hope!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello,
I know you posted awhile ago, but I'm new to this thread and wanted to chime in. You sound just like my husband when I'm getting emotional. Sometimes I'm so mad at myself for being this way that I lash out at him... Sometimes just because he's the only one around. I have learned to control my outbursts somewhat though after 7 years of marriage and 10 years together. I learned to realize that nothing other than a different body could make me happy. It wasn't about him, it was about me. So most of the time when she is upset with you try to remember that your wife isn't mad at you, but probably hating herself and you are a sounding board. Dont give up on her.
We know this isn't right, and that you deserve to not be depressed in your marriage. But unless you've experience the raging hormones you have no idea how difficult it is to control your emotions.
The best thing you can do is to reassure her how much you love her, tell her 10 times a day. Tell her how beautiful she is all the time... even if she never feels that way of herself.. tell her all the time. When you have PCOS, many women are overweight, which makes you feel bad to begin with. Then add some facial hair and you feel like a man. Then throw on top of that a womb that for most cases will never bear children and ovaries that don't work. Breasts that may only serve the purpose of a husband play toy, instead of nursing a child... So you begin to feel like not a complete woman. Almost manly.... Think about how you would feel if someone took away your man parts or if you had ED The very thing that makes you a man doesn't work.... that is how many of us feel about ourselves as woman...the very body parts that define us as women don't work. How would you feel about yourself. That's probably how she feels about herself. So make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. And even if you see a woman on the street that is prettier and you know it. DON'T EVER LET HER KNOW. She needs to KNOW that you feel she is the SEXIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
With regards to physical contact... I can only speak from my personal experience. My husband would want to cuddle... I would assume he was trying to make a move to have sex... after infertility I would learn to equate sex with failure.. and begin to push him away from even small amounts of physical contact. What worked for us was that he would make a move to cuddle be content with cuddling. The more I felt better about myself, the more I would feel like having sex. I know it doesn't seem to make sense but it seemed to be that I was alway assuming that when he'd give me a hug or something he was 'making a move'... which he was but would assure me that he was content with a kiss, or hug, or hand holding... When I felt more comfortable I would begin to initiate 'making a move'.
So after this long message i guess the things to remember are:
Know that you are doing the best that you can. And don't give up on her. You love each other so be patient with each other. If you find that your depression if affecting your daily life then you should seek a professional councelor. Most health insurance plans cover a certain number of visits. they could give you some coping skills.
I love reading these threads, it assures me that there can and are loving men and marriages out there.
My Dh has just now come around to 'realizing' something just wasnt right with my hormones. It took losing our baby. I would tell him about PCOS and it seemed like he thought I was making excuses or something.
He wasnt NOT supportive but just didnt get it before. Now he's trying to help me loose weight to concieve again. He's keeping his damn donuts and cookies AWAY from the house now. Hahaha!
I think trying to take off sometime to go to the Dr w/ her is a great idea.
__________________ ~Em~
6-23-07 M/C @ 9w6d
HW 316.6 CW 306.2 GW173 GW for ttc 260 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
thank you for all of your advice. i do try and go to the dr appointments with her. Egg the best thing i can suggest is to have him come here, it has helped me alot and it lets us guys support each other w/ out being a burden on our wives/girlfriends. i am starting an new thread bc of some common things i see in most of these posts that i hope will help, check it out if you like.
__________________ doing what i can to be a supportive husband
What Am I Doing Wrong? 
Happy to have helped (if I did!) 
Hugs.
