What Am I Doing Wrong? - Page 2

Future Doc Cyster · 07-12-2007, 02:10 AM

Biker JT,

First of all, it takes real guts for anyone, especially a guy, to publicly talk about their feelings. Secondly, I think that it's AWESOME that you're taking such an interest in your wife's health and are open to the advice of cysters and their DHs/BFs.

Every woman with PCOS is different, but many of us obviously suffer the nasty and annoying side effects associated with PCOS. I used to suffer from TERRIBLE mood swings but never knew this was associated with PCOS. Knowing for a few years that I had PCOS, I went to 3 different healthcare providers before being diagnosed. I was finally diagnosed this past February, and even though I had known for a while that I had PCOS, I was an emotional trainwreck. After getting my symptoms under control, I am MUCH less frustrated inside of my own body. We know how much other people can't stand us when we're moody like that, but try to remember that while other people can steer clear of us during our emotional moments, we can't get away from ourselves. I know that sounds goofy, but it's true. I couldn't stand myself when I was like that, but there wasn't anything I could do to make it better.

PCOS can make a woman feel as though she has been robbed of her femininity. Like mluvsd said, tell your that she's beautiful and sexy. When my boyfriend tells me things like that, sometimes I laugh at first because I find it hard to believe that any woman who plucks her chin hairs daily and shaves her "happy trail" regularly could be beautiful. It never fails that he asks why I laughed and tells me that he's serious. When he repeats his compliment, it sticks and often makes me want to cry (because I know he really means what he said). The more I hear it, the more I start to believe it.

Lastly, it's great to see that you are doing everything in your power to help your wife through this difficult time. She is really lucky to have you! Keep hanging in there.

biker_jt · 07-12-2007, 02:35 AM

thanks for your input. you may want to have your bf come check out this site, it realy helps. i posted another thread bc it is going a compleatly different direction then this one and i hope it helps. one thing we have found helps mellow out her mood swings is plenty of sunlight, going for a walk, swimming, or just being outside helps and it is a great way to spend time together and exerise when doing it. if you can't get sun try vitimin d supplements, i know i sound like a health food nut but you skin makes vitimin d when it is hit w/ sunlight, i tend to feel very depressed if i don't get enough sun and that has helped in the past.

heddy · 07-13-2007, 07:44 PM

I think TJ one of the issues for me personally is sometimes I just want to yell at someone, namely my poor husband, who is like what did I do?????

The key is to not take it personally, she's not mad at you, she's just MAD............

~*Heart*~ · 07-20-2007, 12:28 PM

I second everything mluvsd said. I know myself, when I get snappy with DH, I end up feeling even worse about myself than I had before it happened. The thing is, I don't know WHY I do it, I can't control it a lot of the time, try as I might, and that makes me feel so horrible. When I'm mad/sad/depressed, I can't be talked to, I just shut down and shut everyone out. I've ALWAYS dealt with this stuff alone. No one in my life has ever understood it, least of all myself. When I was a teen, I'd spend an entire day in my room crying and my mom had no idea what was wrong. I had no friends, no one cared. Now I have a husband who does care, but guess what...I still try to deal alone because it's what I've always done, and on top of it, I treat him like crap. My husband is a member here, but I don't think he reads any threads but the one he started. Sometimes I think he totally forgets about the PCOS. Like when I have a mood swing or I snap, he automatically jumps on the defensive (and who can blame him?) and forgets that I really don't mean it. So it ends up causing a huge fight.

A lot of times my mood swings or depression are misinterpreted as me not caring about anyone else, and it's gone so far as people calling me unthankful and me being accused of coming between family members. My MIL has been very unforgiving in this area...and it's not like I don't take responsibility for it. I have and I continue to do so. But I don't get an inch or any kind of compassion from her. I get the "no excuses" attitude. And what's worse, she's complained to DH about it and has caused a lot of problems in our relationship because of it. She and others have told him that I'm just being manipulative. Nice huh? I can't help my mood swings, I certainly can't help the depression, but I'm being manipulative (Note the sarcasm). So my poor DH is left wondering if I'm really just a raging b*@#$ that he's stuck with, or if there's really more to it.

Anyway, my point is that no matter how bad we feel about how we treat our husbands, it's not something that's easily stopped without meds. It's not like we can magically turn it off. And please know that we DO feel like crap about ourselves when it happens. It's not on purpose. We love our husbands and we know how fortunate we are to have them. Not many men would willingly be with a woman who is more manly than feminine. So we know what we have, we don't take it for granted.

You're not doing anything wrong. Just being here is a HUGE step in the right direction. As was mentioned, tell her you love her no matter what is going on. She could have just ripped you a new one, but tell her you know she doesn't mean it and that you love her anyway. Constantly tell her she's beautiful. She may not believe it (I certainly don't), but those words go a LONG way. When it's not said, I feel horrible. When I've made myself up and I don't even get a compliment, I feel like "Why should I try?? I'll be nasty no matter what". I feel like it's useless. Go out of your way to notice things about her and little by little she'll feel better about herself. It's the little things that matter the most. The things that say "Oh my God, he was actually THINKING about me!". A wildflower picked on the way home from work, her favorite drink, just rubbing her feet while you watch TV, it doesn't have to be a big production to matter. The little things are what let me know he loves me. For instance, one thing he's done lately is clean the house for me. He knows I'm absolutely exhausted from being pregnant and having 2 kids under 2, so he just took it upon himself to clean for me. He also takes the kids on long walks so I can nap. He does a lot for me in those areas, and I know he loves me because he's willing to do those things for me.

Just know you're on the right track, and just let your heart lead you to let you know what to do. You love her, so let it show.