What did you learn from your baby?

VivC · 07-08-2005, 07:40 PM

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I learned a lot from my loss. From the miracle of getting pregnant all the way to watching Rivi fight in the NICU.

For instance, Rivi taught me to NEVER give up. I fought for him in a way I'd never fought for anything before - the docs had to try EVERYTHING, and I refused to let them give up on him. And Rivi refused to give up in that NICU until we could all be there. All morning, the docs kept telling me that he'd die any minute. But he held on until my Mom could get there. He held on for me - because there's NO WAY I could have made it through that without my mother.

And the whole process taught me to let go of some of my control freak tendencies. Yes, I fought for them to do everything, but then it was out of my hands and into God's (or fate's, whatever you believe). It was REALLY hard for me to let go, but I did - because the stress was so awful for Rivi.

What lessons did you learn from your baby (babies)?

deblynnc · 07-08-2005, 08:50 PM

Viv,

I lost 3 babies very early in pg; I never knew if they were boys or girls. I had never really thought about what I learned from them, but reflecting on it now, I realize they taught me to never take a single day for granted. None of us knows how much time we have, and every moment is a precious gift.

Thanks for asking and making me think of that!

Debbie

Reebekah · 07-08-2005, 09:10 PM

I also learned SO MUCH from my babies and the whole experience.
-Who my friends are....and arent
-What my husband is made of...and not made of
-What I am made of...and not made of
-To never take anything for granted
-To never believe everything that I'm told
-That nobody will ever care about my child(ren) more than I do
-To never let someone else make an important decison on my behalf
-That I am not capable of making a decision...and I need to learn how
-To not give up so easily...this is a big one...I gave up too soon and I will never let that happen again...and I will never forgive myself or those who influenced me
-Doctors do not know everything
-Not every problem can be "fixed"
-To trust my instincts
-That not being a mom (in some shape or form) is not an option for me
-That knowledge IS power
-I learned about this whole other world out there that I never knew existed....people losing babies, sharing their stories, helping each other, learning from each other...I never knew that so many people go through this type of thing...I had never even used a message board...I was so naive

Sorry for taking up so much space. I could go on and on. My point is...I grew up a lot in the past year....I learned a lot from my babies and my experience...I will never be the same person...I hope I can take all I learned and use it to my advantage in the future.

VivC · 07-08-2005, 11:17 PM

Deb, did you name your babies? Nicknames?

Becky, I'm sure that we've all learned so much from our losses that we know much more than our docs. A loss could never be a good thing, but I think that, if we're strong enough, we can learn something from it and become better for it.

Viv

missyanne · 07-09-2005, 02:23 AM

I lost a baby at 6w2d, and I learned SO much from that teeny little person.

*My husband is a greater man than I ever imagined.
*People (in general) can be very supportive...or very distant...and you never know who will be who.
*Our desire for a baby was never really realized until we had a 'surprise'
*God does send small signs to let you know that things are and will be okay...

JuliannePCOS · 07-09-2005, 02:44 AM

So many good answers so far!

The main one I learned is to be more sensitive. My uncle had died about a year before the m/c and that Christmas, I didn't want to say anything to my aunt.... I didn't want to upset her or "remind" her that her husband had died. (Which, you know, I'm sure she thought about him all freaking day long!)

Nowadays, I totally would've said something. Just a "hey, I wish Uncle Mike was here... how are you doing?" type of thing. If she wanted to talk, great. If not, great. But at least someone remembered him and cared.

skyler · 07-09-2005, 06:12 AM

that there is a god. that my husband can be my rock if i let him. that i CAN get preg.

jlbrown122 · 07-09-2005, 12:19 PM

My baby taught me that I am stronger than I ever imagined I am. I never thought I would survive her loss and never imagined that my life would continue. I used to be shy and afraid to say what I really thought, tried to avoid confrontation, etc. She taught me not to be afraid to speak my mind because nothing anyone can ever say or do will hurt me as badly as losing her.

I also learned that those that I considered friends, were not true friends. I am confident that my closest friends right now would have been supportive if I had known them back then. They have been more sympathetic than anyone that was around me during the miscarriage.

I realize I had an early pregnancy loss and that we were not able to determine the sex of my baby. However, going by when I ovulated and when we bd, it would not have been very likely to have conceived a boy. That is why I always refer to my baby as "she" and named her Kayla, which is what I planned on naming her. This is a hard time of year for me because next month would have been her 6th birthday if she had lived. I finally realized last night that this is why I have been so tired and feeling so depressed lately. I should be planning Kayla's birthday party instead of going through fertility treatments trying to have just one baby that will live. I should already have a living child.

Reebekah · 07-09-2005, 02:19 PM

I very much agree with those who said that your baby taught you how strong you are. I would have never thought that I would have the strength to go on after a loss. I am surprising myself. I also learned my faith is stronger than I thought....I guess God/religion influences me and my actions more than I realized.

Not really from my babies, but from my experience, I learned to never ask someone "do you have kids yet" or "how many kids do you have" or "is this your first baby". So many people ask these questions without thinking twice. Its so hard for me when I'm asked...I never know if I should get into it or not...Overall, I THINK before I act or talk now.

Also, never assume anything. I used to be so very jealous when I saw pregnant women. Now I know that I shouldnt just assume that they simply got pregnant and everything is ok. You never know what their history is, or if they will still be pregnant tomorrow. There was a lady giving me dirty looks at the docs the other day. Maybe she was there due to infertility or miscarriage or something. She looked at my belly and then looked at me like she hated me. From looking at me, she would never know that I lost the 2 most important things in the world less than a year ago, and right now I have medical intervention attempting to keep my child from essentially falling out of me. If I passed one of you on the street, I would never imagine the things that go through your mind....I'm thankful that we can share them here.

SheriKCMO · 07-09-2005, 02:24 PM

Janet and everyone, (((Hugs)))

Mary Catherine taught me that I CAN get pregnant and get healthier.
She taught me that it is amazing and wonderful to make another human being inside my body.
She taught me that I was meant to be a mother and that I absolutely needed a living child no matter what it took.
She taught me to be humble in a way that is indescribable. I am changed forever since the first moment I was in her presence.
She taught me how to let go.
She taught me how to grieve... still working on that one of course.
She taught me that the smallest things in this world are the most precious (I kinda thought so, but now I know).

Thanks for this idea, Viv. It's a good one.

BayGirl · 07-09-2005, 02:38 PM

i just wanted to share that this is an increible thread. I havan't had a personal loss but i like reading what you learned from the 'experience'.

seeing the hope and strength you ladies have, is just incredible. I actually came to read to help a friend and came away with a nice feeling inside by reading your stories.

Again, Viv, this was a GREAT idea!

Hope you all dont mind me reading and commenting. if so I can delete this post.

SheriKCMO · 07-09-2005, 02:52 PM

Tara, wish your friend peace from your cysters. You're welcome anytime.

SweetPea76 · 07-09-2005, 05:37 PM

I learned that I have more faith in God than I had previously thought.

I learned that my grandma is watching down on me from heaven (the night after I had my m/c, I had a wonderful dream where my grandma was holding my baby and telling me she's watch over her.)

I learned that even the tiniest life is a precious thing.

Not to start a debate, but I learned that to me, life does begin at conception.

I learned the undescribable strength of the love a mother has for her child.

LISA H · 07-09-2005, 10:54 PM

Viv! What a great idea!

The most important thing my little angel taught me is to never, ever give up hope!

Before I had children I assumed it was a given that I would eventually get married and have 2 or 3 little ones.....when I had problems getting pregnant I was convinced I'd ever see my dream come true, but then I was pg! We were so happy and started planning right from the begining, we were just as sad as we were happy when we lost that little angel only 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I held on to the fact that I was pg! No matter how it ended I did have a baby growing inside me for a short time....this just proved that it could happen. I never gave up!

jlbrown122 · 07-10-2005, 12:45 AM

Tara - I don't mind you reading this at all. By reading about how we feel, you are learning ways to help your friend.

Jessica - I also feel that my baby is with my Grandmaw. Kayla's middle name is Pearl, which was my Grandmaw's middle name. I was very close to my Grandmaw and her death was very hard. I wanted my daughter to have a part of her. I do get comfort when I picture my Grandmaw holding Kayla. It makes me feel like Kayla is not all alone.

Becky - thanks for reminding me not to immediately assume that all pregnant women got pregnant easily and are taking their babies for granted. I think mostly what I feel when I see a pregnant woman is jealousy. I am trying to work on that because as you said, I have no idea what they have been through.

Viv - thanks for starting this thread! It is a wonderful reminder of what strong women we all are!