What to do about insensitive sister?

SweetPea76 · 07-23-2004, 05:02 AM

I suffered a m/c a week ago and was devastated. After my loss, I found out that my sister had a m/c in March. At first it was comforting to be able to talk with her, but she has turned way insensitive and has stopped thinking about my feelings.

I got pg after a year of trying and 5 months on Met. The Met made me horribly sick every day, but I took it b/c I wanted a baby. When I got a BFP, 3 different drs. told me to go off Met (I wish I didn't listen) and I lost my baby at 11 weeks.

My sister has a beautiful 3yo daughter and 2 yo son. All three times she got pregnant (including the one loss) she did so on the first month trying. She has now had 2 cycles with no success after getting the go ahead from her dr. She tells me about this and says how hard it is to wait for AF and have it show and she now wants to go see a dr. (after only 2 months of trying w/o success!)

I have explained my situation to her, and she just doesn't seem to understand, or care. 2 months w/o successs is not a big deal. Now I am here, struggling with the decision of whether or not to ttc again. I have no desire to go back on the Met, and living in Italy I don't have access to good specialists (that speak English). I have begun looking into adoption, and feel that it is the right way to go for me, but I still have to constantly listen to my sister complain about not getting pregnant.

I have tried talking to her, but know if I come right out and say "I can't hear this right now" she'll get mad and I'll start a big fuss which I don't have the energy to deal with right now.

Thanks for listening.

Jessica

SheriKCMO · 07-23-2004, 01:34 PM

Jessica,
((hugs))
You must be strong and protect yourself until you feel better. Do not accept phone calls or visits or invitations from your sister until you feel better. It's hard to change a pattern of behavior, but your tender feelings right now demand it. Have your husband get in the way, screen your calls, etc.

Above all, take good care of yourself during this time. Think about yourself instead of your sister. If you are not feeling up to going back on metformin, do you have access to Avandia over there? It works well with fewer side effects, though it is less proven safe during pregnancy because it is newer. Low carbing and exercise can often achieve similar results.

I wish you peace, my cyster.
Sheri

packerfan · 07-24-2004, 12:11 AM

(((((HUGS))))) Jessica, sorry for your loss.

Would your DH say something to her?? Maybe that would still make her mad at you, but I agree, you should subject yourself to her making you feel bad.

MY SIL is insensitive too, she frequently still tells me how she got PG the month before they were going to start TTC even though she knows of my struggles with PCOS and my m/c.

I really wish people would think before they open their mouth sometimes.

Take care,

Kim

loriette · 07-24-2004, 03:27 AM

Jessica ~

Putting some distance between yourself and your sister might help alot. I know sometimes this is hard (esp with your sister), but it helped alot with me and my sister. Two weeks after my m/c she found out she was pg. All she could say was she wasn't ready for this, not now, on and on about how she had to get everything all over again...I was dying inside, I was so hurt that I had lost my baby and here she was pg and really didn't want to be. I started out changing the subject when she would bring up being pg, sometimes this helped other times she just didn't get the hint. When it got really bad, I just wouldn't see her for a few days and just kept my distance. After 2 months of doing this, she has finally taken notice and did tell me she was sorry.

Just take care of you right now and do what you feel is right. Have you tried other treatments besides met?

(((hugs)))

Lori

SweetPea76 · 07-24-2004, 03:58 AM

Thanks for all of your advice. You cysters are the only ones who have understood my feelings!!

I have not tried anything other than Met. While I am living in Italy (for the next 3 years) I can't see specialists or get in depth fertility stuff done.

I know I don't want to go through IUI, IVF, etc. I don't think its wrong or anything like that, but I know its just not for me. While I would love to have a biological child one day, the most important thing to me is that I have a child- not necessarily that we share the same genes.

DH and I have decided to look into adoption while we are here, and then once we move back to the states, I can see a specialist and talk more about possible treatments for me.

SilverFairy · 07-26-2004, 12:28 PM

(((((Jessica)))))) I'm very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers with this.. regardless if you choose adoption or to have a biological child.

Your sister, doens't realize nor understand the hard aspect of TTC... OBviously, she has had it easy and now that she isn't getting what she want's right away she want's to run to a DR. when what happened to her ( please forgive if I offend) was probably because something wasn't right in the first place. So our body will say ok..not good let's not keep this one.. We all know this..but she doesn't wanna hear it! I have dealt with so many insensitive ppl in my TTC journey and I will say it really makes ya turn red! I've watched people freak after 3months... It can take anywhere from 6months to a year to get PG and that is with both partner's being healthy and even then they could go on to the next year before they finally get PG..it doesn't mean that there is something wrong! I'm sorry you have to deal with that lack of understanding.. I know that sometimes people can be selfish regardless if they realize it or not.. being your sister.. it's hard to avoid her completely... I learned to just not talk about pregnancy, or trying to get PG with anyone who won't understand..I keep my mouth shut and so I don't hear the negative irritating comment's that make me angry..Not easy for everyone.. but if that is possible worth a try and stick to people you know will have a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen and acceptance! Goodluck I do hope that you find a way to have a child of your own...but I do think that adopting is also a good thing..so many unwanted children in the world. ((((Hugs))))))