Sorry, I don't really know what title to put on this post.
I have a friend that lost a baby almost a year ago. She had a placental abruption and he lived for 2 days (she was full term and induced and abrupted during labor). We were pg at the same time (although she was 5 months ahead of me). I had a really hard time being around her after Ethan died because I didn't want to cause her more pain. I had a previous loss and I knew that if it was me, I would not want a pg woman around me. I would like to send her a card or something, do you all feel this would be ok? Even if we dont talk that much anymore (we weren't that close before but do go to church together). Would a thinking/praying for you card be ok? Do you think she would rather not get cards? It would have been nice if people had remembered my loss a year later in some way, but I don't know if it is different because mine was so early?
Also, she gave me a pg book to borrow, before she had Ethan and I haven't been able to give it back to her. I just feel so incredibly sad for her every time I see her, I can't bring myself to give her back the book. Should I try to give it to her sometime? Wait until I see she is pg again? (I think they are going to try again at some point)
Thanks so much for your advice, I'm so confused and I just don't want to cause her any more pain. I wish no one had to go through losing a baby .
Definitely send her a card, anyway. You know that by sending her something, it won't make her more sad or it won't make her think about those sad days...she is already thinking about the baby she lost, more so on the anniversary. It's nice when someone else remembers...especially after so much time has passed and everyone else has "moved on" from it...When I received cards on what would have been Anna's first birthday had she survived, it truly made my day. I cried, but it made my day. But it wasn't like it was the first time that day I had cried either...
Oh, I should tell you one of the cards actually came from Anna's NICU nurse. She was the one handling everything the day Anna died, so it meant a lot to me that even after a year she remembered and thought of us. I guess in some ways it made me proud that for those 4 short days she was here she made such an impact on complete strangers.
AS for the book, I'm not sure. I suppose if it were me and I had lent out a book on pregnancy and had a loss, I would probably still want it back knowing I would try again. Maybe you could write her a note to go along with the book saying how you wanted to return the book to her and how much you hope she is blessed with another angel (but an earth angel this time). I wouldn't be offended if someone did that. I know I'm keeping all of my stuff until I either have another baby that is healthy and/or I decide I'm done having kids...or I decide not to try again (which is not an option at the moment).
Hugs!
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I would definitely send a card. It would mean so much to me that someone else was thinking of me and remembering my precious baby. Especially because most people (in my experience) think that if they don't mention our babies then we won't be upset. It is very sweet of you to remember and I would encourage you to do it. Not sure what to tell you about the pregnancy book - Patty's thoughts were good.
Kath
__________________ dx pcos and IR 12/02
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I think that is so thoughtful and I appreciate it any time that someone remembers Seth, especially now coming up on five years for me. People don't think about him anymore. I know she will be so touched.
As for the book, I would give it back with a note. I would not feel offended or badly if someone gave it back to me. If you feel really uncomfortable talking to her, you could always drop it in the mail with a note.
__________________ Kim (40) DH (47) Proud mom to: my 24 weekers, Lindsey & Sydney (4), weighing 1 lb. 1.5 ounces (498 grams) & 1 lb. 2 ounces (509 grams), 11" long. Cerclage, bedrest & Pre-eclampsia 114 days in the NICU and my heavenly angels: ~Seth Allan~ (1/20/02) @ 19 wks - Incompetent cervix Early m/c (7/20/01) @ 8 wks 1988 - Off BC 1991 - HSG, SA, 6 failed clomid cycles with my first DH 1999 - Remarried 2000 - HSG, SA, Lap, Hysteroscopy, Polyps, PCOS DX 2000-2002 - 1 failed CC & 6 IUI/Gonal-F/Prog/PIO cycles
As far as the book goes, wrap it in plain brown paper and write on the outside what it is. Say something like, "I wanted to wrap it in case it might hurt you to see it right now. I hope you have reason to use it again as soon as your heart heals a little more."
What to do for a friend at ann. of baby's death? 
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It is very sweet of you to remember and I would encourage you to do it. Not sure what to tell you about the pregnancy book - Patty's thoughts were good.
