What do you do....

BeetleGirl · 06-01-2008, 09:36 PM

when you have situational depression, but your situation is not changable?

I was diagnosed a couple years ago with situational depression, and when I look back nothing has changed nor will things ever change. Not by choice, but because that was the hand I was dealt and unfortunately my situation is not something that can ever change.
People always say that it is up to you to make a difference, and I have tried, really tried.
But with things destined to forever remain the same, how can I ever really be happy again?

R0xyg4l · 06-05-2008, 12:53 AM

Everything is changeable. Everything within the universe is constantly changing and growing and evolving. I don't know specifically what you're making reference to but if you're motivated you CAN change your situation. One year ago I lived in this small apartment with no degree and minimal financial support. Now I have a nursing license, a big beautiful house and enough money to pay my bills and keep me happy. The of course one thing that hasn't changed is the loving support of my family. That has motivated me to keep me going. If you need someone to speak with please feel free to PM me.

BeetleGirl · 06-06-2008, 02:54 AM

Well I guess to be more specific.
I am depressed because we can't have children.
The short story is we spent over $70000 on infertility treatments and lost our b/g twins at 13 weeks due to negligence, my uterus was butchered, and we will never have the opportunity(dr dismissed us because we don't have a surrogate) or the $$$ to try again.
There is no hope in heck that things will happen naturally. I don't ovulate, dh doesn't ejaculate. Two things needed for pregnancy. When you add in my Thyroid issues, PCOS, ashermans, bacterial issues, and dh's mf, it makes things impossible to get pregnant. Then you add my IC, bacterial issues, and thyroid issues, which can pretty much guarentee an unsuccessful pregnancy even if we did manage to get pregnant.
Following the loss of our twins, we lost our home, our belongings and were forced to move across the country to place that we hate because it was the only way that we wouldn't end up homeless. Dh's job is speacialized so that you have to go, where you are pretty much told, and so we are stuck in a place that we hate, have been told by our adoption worker that we will never ever get a child because we have too high of expectations by requesting a child that wasn't exposed inutero to alcohol. We have a half a million dollar mortgage(which is cheap where we live), our family that lives on the other side of the country keep dying or getting sick, and life goes on.
Sure we could quit our jobs and move to where our family lives, but that costs money. We would also need jobs(something that had it been possible, we would have done before moving to a place we dislike), we also would not solve the issue of having children, because as I mentioned above, is not possible.
So what do you do when you can't change things? We try to make the best of what we have here, but it still doesn't solve that one issue. Is it fair to say that we will accept a child that is beyond our needs allowing that child to suffer? I don't think that is fair to the child or to us.
So what do you do?

tina_d · 06-06-2008, 10:07 AM

You pick yourself up, and start looking for the sunny side of the day. At this time, you may feel that the world is crushing in on you, and that you can't change it. But there are things that you can do to change your life right now. Adoption may not be in your near future, but you can volunteer a little of your time to be involved with a child that you think you can't afford to care for. Is it possible to foster care children there in Canada. I know here in the states, foster parents are compensated for the care they give the children. There are also numerous organization that allow you to make a difference in a child's life year, which can be just as rewarding as having your own. Living in a world of regret and lost dreams is living a wasted life. Stop focusing on what you can't have or do, and start focusing your time and energy on what you can.

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but nobody is dealt a perfect hand in life. Living in regret will just turn you into a bitter person.

hreshtag · 06-07-2008, 08:39 PM

Well, that's definitely a tough question to answer, as everyone's life is different, if you know what I mean.. However, to some extent, many people can't/couldn't get out of a situation that caused them great despair.. so you're not alone. :o) Me personally, growing up, my dad was an aggressive alcoholic that dabbled in drugs on and off. I was an only child after the death of my younger brother, so I truly felt alone in life at many points. I think right now I'm in a better place, though.. I don't quite know what it is. I think it's partially due to my majoring in psychology, and taking lots of psychology classes that helped me to better understand myself and those around me. I know you said you were diagnosed with situation depression, but are you still in therapy? A good therapist can really help.. although sometimes it's hard to find one you click with. But still, shouldn't stop searching, if you haven't found one yet. It's so, so tough for people to understand depression. I'm sure there are lots of people who told you to try and just.. get over it. Or snap out of it, or whatever. But I know that's not how it works. I suffer from Dysthymia myself, a lower grade, but chronic form of depression, for about 7 years now, since I was 16, so I know how you're feeling. It's tough to experience, and tough to hear other people trying to get you out of it. I think a part of me always felt kind of guilty too, for feeling that way, and not being the person I felt I was "supposed" to be. But here's my theory.. it's something that helped me a lot. There's truly, truly no one in the whole entire world that can help me in many ways, except for myself. If I can't help my self (whether that's through seeing a therapist, going for a long walk, etc.), then no one can help me. That may sound a bit weird, but the part that helped me is that I realized that I truly CAN help myself. I can do small things to make myself feel better. Those things are going to be different for everyone, of course.. but for me, losing weight and overcoming my very bad eating habits was something that helped me tremendously. I felt, for once, that I had control over something in my life, and in a very healthy way. Also, I got a dog, and she really helps me to be a happier person as well. I take her for walks, which I love to do anyway, and I feel like.. I don't know, just... better! If your situation is truly not changeable, I can understand have awful you must feel (if you don't like your situation). But there could be some things you can do to try and brighten your own life for yourself, not for anyone else. I have no idea what that can be for you, but I'm sure there's something that you feel/can think of that might make your days a little better. Also, I'd like to stress how great it is to find a therapist who you click with and you can see. For me, it was all about taking control back in my life. I wanted to be happier, so I took control of my eating habits and my weight, and seeking a good therapist is also taking control of your own life. It's deciding to try and take steps to have a happier life. There are some things you can do on your own, and others that you most likely can't (like the therapy thing). But overall, I truly think it is possible to make something negative into something LESS negative. I really believe that you can get to a place in your life where you feel better about things, about your own life. I don't even know you, but I believe it, because I believe it for everyone. The human brain is a complex thing, but we all have a desire to be happier, and I truly, truly think that we can find ways to be happier, after a little self-analysis. I hope that you do feel better soon! Wish I could hug you! Hehe :o)

JoJo1793 · 06-07-2008, 10:59 PM

Hey Girl!

You know that I am here if you need to talk. I miss you and our wonderful chats and you know that I know where you are coming from after all the crap that we have been living with!

Hugs!

BeetleGirl · 06-09-2008, 11:58 PM

Thanks Jo.
I was just thinking about you the other day, and wondering if you have my most current email address. I will try to write to you soon.

Hreshtag,
Thank you for your supportive words.
I haven't seen anyone since moving West, but have been thinking about seeking someone here to talk to. There is really less and less that is bringing me joy these days.
We have a house full of animals that seem to frustrate me more than bring me joy. I have lost approximately 60(20 in the last while) pounds since I was at my heaviest. I know that I should probably be proud of myself but I am not.
The only thing I enjoy is shopping but it's only a temporary enjoyment that is becoming a very expensive ineffective therapy. The last time I can say I was truely happy was when I was expecting. I appreciate your support.

I know not everyone is dealt the perfect hand, but I just can't figure out why I never get a break with anything. Things continuously turn from bad to worse. I know some may think that nothing can be that bad but my life has very little if anything to be happy about.

tina_d · 06-10-2008, 01:24 AM

Beetle,

You know the saying 'when it rains, it pours.' And sometime in one's life, they are going to experience this. There's some sunshine out there for you girl. Just need to get thru this tough time.

craftybug · 06-10-2008, 03:11 AM

Hey BeetleGirl ~

I seen that you are from "The ignorance capital of Canada". I'd like chatting a little more about this with you. If it's the city, I'm thinking of - I might be able to give you a few pointers as I lived there for a couple of years and went through a bout of depression during that time (never seen a doctor to get diagnosed though). Unfortunately, I don't have enough posts to send you a PM or an e-mail so I'm going to send you a request to add you to MSN. Hopefully, one of these days we'll catch each other on.

etuc · 06-10-2008, 03:38 PM

Sorry you are going through so much Beetlegirl

I love what therapy did for me, it gave me the ability to accept and to cope.
I was very depressed most of my life from growing up in a dysfunctional abusive situation, then when I found out why I didn't have/couldn't have the kids I always wanted I felt like my life was absolutely pointless. I was finally dx'd with PCOS in my late 30s after suffering from it since I was a teen. For quite a few years I thought I was put on this earth to just be in misery, my life was a very cruel joke. I was stuck in the grieving process over my crappy chilhood, grieving my MCs, grieving every period because it meant once again I failed, grieving my DX, grieving my moms death and grieving my first marriage. I was unbelievably depressed.

Therapy helped me to learn to value myself and to see me as more than just a defective woman and a waste of air and space.
It took a lot of hard emotional work to accept what I am, what I have been put through and what I put myself through. I finally learned to accept being childless and am now happily childfree, I still love kids, but have accepted that I will never have any (I am 44 now so it's too late for me). Acceptance of the situation and forcing myself to focus on other things is some of what freed me from the deep depression I was drowning myself in. When I was in my funk all I could think about was the "what ifs" and what should have beens and how I felt denied the opportunities that some people callously throw away. I had to retrain myself to think positively about myself and to enjoy the challenge of the hand that I was dealt. It is easy to get stuck in the grieving process, that is why a therapist to help you along can make a big difference.

I am now annoyingly happy, married to a wonderful new husband and enjoying my life as it is, not focused on all the pain and the past, just focused on living my life to my fullest and looking forward to a better future.

I hope you find somebody to help you through this difficult process.

tina_d · 06-17-2008, 04:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChrissyJo

BeetleGirl,

I guess i don't understand, why be so picky a child needs love and giving love to a child would brighten your life. Why stray from a child that may need more love and patience?

I don't think that she's worried about the love she could give to the child, it's more of not being able to provide financially for the child, who may have medical, emotional, and/or psychological issues that need to be taken care of.

eeyore1978 · 06-19-2008, 05:05 PM

I know things must seem hopeless to you right now, but they're not. I know it's easy for someone on the outside to tell you just to pick yourself up, but as with most things, it's easier said than done. First, have you considered going to a support group of any kind or even talking to your doctor about the possibility of getting on some medication to help you with your depression? It is true that once you start feeling better about yourself, everything else just seems to fall into place. Even if you cannot afford surrogacy or anything at the present time, is it possible for you and your husband to donate your time to any children's organizations while saving money? Around here, we have Big Brothers Big Sisters and the Boys and Girls Club and things like that. I think if you get out from under this fog, you will start to realize that life isn't so bad, you'll start seeing the possibilities and it will give you the motivation to find solutions. Good luck!!

Bethann · 06-19-2008, 05:34 PM

Have you contacted Resolve? I looked into that when I was first told conceiving would be a problem, but didn't end up needing them, but it looks like they have really good support groups.

Is counseling an option? No, we can't change everything in our lives that make us unhappy--it sounds like you will never be able to have a biological child and you can't change that--but you can change how you feel about it and choose to react to the situation. I have things in my life I don't like, wouldn't have chosen, but I can choose how I deal with them.

Also, sometimes anti-depressants can be helpful to kick-start therapy for situational depression. No, you probably won't need them for long, but they might help you get started.

dlcljcldc · 06-19-2008, 06:15 PM

I'm new here and don't know anyone on the board but if I could insert my 2c
Don't give up on your dream I was in your shoes once and thought life w/o children was the worst possible thing that could happen to me. But I changed Drs and got a different opinion and after 8 yrs of trying to get PG and failing and crying my heart out month after month . The new RE was able to help us get PG in just 6 mos.
the Pregnancy wasn't easy I was on bedrest the entire last trimester and developed pre-eclampsia. I am now the mother of a beautiful DD who will be starting 1st grade this Fall ...LIfe can always change you just have to find a way to change it. I know that empty arms feeling....don't give up keep searching for your rainbow (((HUGS)))

BeetleGirl · 06-20-2008, 03:36 AM

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Once again. I do not ovulate, my husband doesn't ejaculate(it goes into his bladder, then all the sperm die off because of the temperature). I have severe scar tissue from the doctor that butchered my uterus after my loss of the twins, I lost my twins because of a bacteria, that I still have, I have an abnormally thin lining, and an incompetent cervix, and my thyroid(even after a year of trying) still can not be correctly titrated. There are very few clinics where I am at in Canada, and most of them do not have the experience to treat us, so the thought of spending and wasting money on an inept doctor, does not sound like my idea of fun. This is not even me being pessimistic but realistic. When you also take in to account the Canadian government came up with a donor law a few years, it makes even that concept a very unlikely possibility(Don't think for a second that this hasn't crossed our minds).

Any faith I had, I lost when I delivered my dead baby girl at the hospital in to the toilet and had to listen to the nurses argue about who would fish it out. This is my belief and I have my reasons. People should atleast be allowed that right. So please if you are going to tell me to have faith, tell it to my left breast that still leaks milk.

As for taking on a child out of our league. I bet the ones that think I am being picky, have children and if they don't most likely are close to children. I have seen children get smacked for screaming for something in a grocery store. What happens when the child grows up and still has that mantality because they were exposed inutero to alcohol. What happens when the adult(who is the equivilant of a child) loses me or my husband, who will take care of them? Not our family. They will be left in pretty unfortunate circumstances. People that see them don't see them in a good light. How do you react when you see an 18 year old carrying a Barbie Doll and throwing temper tantrums? Most laugh, however, in most cases it's not a laughing matter. I highly respect the people that can take on children that are a life long challenge like this, but to me, it is not fair. Both my husband & I work hard for what we have, we would both still need to work if we have a child. Although finding a babysitter is easy enough, who is going to want to take care of a "Retard" while we are at work? And before you say anything, I am not saying that they are a retard, I am saying that society is cruel, and as unpolitically correct as the term retard is, it is still used to describe people that are mentally challenged. So if this makes me picky, then I guess I am a very selfish woman for wanting to make sure that whatever child we get, is well taken care of.

As for donating my time, sure it's an option. However many of the agencies in my area want a set amount of time each week, that I just can not committ to at present. It also doesn't take away the pain when I see all the kids at Christmas telling Santa what they want, or wanting to tell a child a goodnight story(I know...maybe I should go see if one of my neighbours will let me crawl into their kid's bed so I can have tickles fights with them....I am sure that will go over well), nor does it take away the pain that I know my two aunts(both with out children because of PCOS) have experienced. Fortunately for them, there was me.

I live in a very $$$ driven area, and although people are nice, they are not friendly, so making friends has been extremely difficult. I have lived in many places across Canada, and have many friends, so I know it's not me. This seems to be a complaint that many, many people have about this city. This definately does not make things easier, when you don't have somebody to share these things with. I know I am fortunate to have dh, but everyone needs to have a female friend to confide things in.

For those of you that have recommended helpful advice, thank you. As much as my rant may seem like I don't appreciate much. I do appreciate people that have been able to contribute helpful suggestions. So again thank you as for those of you that think life is a bowl of sunshine...wake up. Life sucks! I realize it, I am just trying to find a coping mechanism to help me make it through the tough days.