What do you do.... - Page 2

Bethann · 06-20-2008, 01:26 PM

I don't know which group you put my original post in, and I don't say this to be unkind, but your most recent post comes across as if you're determined to be unhappy. Yes, sometimes life (or fate, or the deity of your choice) deals you a lousy hand. But that's what you've got, all we can do is figure out how to live with it, change what we can, improve what we can, and learn to accept the rest as well as we can. It sounds like counseling might help you figure out how to do that.

And no, for the record, I neither have children nor am near to it--due to various medical issues (not primarily PCOS), I will not be having bio. kids. DH and I are exploring foster care, probably for teens or older kids, maybe adopting if that becomes a possibility. While of course you and your DH shouldn't adopt a child you don't feel equipped to care for, keep in mind that none of us have a right to a "normal" child. Even biological parents, maybe especially them, take the risk every time they conceive that their child might be "retarded" or mentally ill, or physically disabled. Adoptive parents' healthy children could be injured in an accident, or develop mental health problems, or become seriously ill. None of us are guaranteed a perfect or easy life, it's what we make of it.

eeyore1978 · 06-20-2008, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bethann

I don't know which group you put my original post in, and I don't say this to be unkind, but your most recent post comes across as if you're determined to be unhappy. Yes, sometimes life (or fate, or the deity of your choice) deals you a lousy hand. But that's what you've got, all we can do is figure out how to live with it, change what we can, improve what we can, and learn to accept the rest as well as we can. It sounds like counseling might help you figure out how to do that.

And no, for the record, I neither have children nor am near to it--due to various medical issues (not primarily PCOS), I will not be having bio. kids. DH and I are exploring foster care, probably for teens or older kids, maybe adopting if that becomes a possibility. While of course you and your DH shouldn't adopt a child you don't feel equipped to care for, keep in mind that none of us have a right to a "normal" child. Even biological parents, maybe especially them, take the risk every time they conceive that their child might be "retarded" or mentally ill, or physically disabled. Adoptive parents' healthy children could be injured in an accident, or develop mental health problems, or become seriously ill. None of us are guaranteed a perfect or easy life, it's what we make of it.

I think you are right on with this post. Right after I graduated from high school, I had to have my right fallopian tube removed after a tubal pregnancy. After that, I suffered 3 miscarriages. Each time, it was sad and I felt like a failure of sorts, however, each time, I would allow myself a time to grieve and then I would pick myself and move forward. I learned to appreciate each day for what it was. I guess the point of this is that we all have problems, it's just a matter of how we deal with them. Until you change your attitude, your life will remain the same. I strongly feel that you should seek counseling for some direction. Perhaps they could help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

BeetleGirl · 06-21-2008, 01:25 AM

I may have come across as having an attitude or being negative, however I am just sick of hearing that if I just have faith, or if I just find another doctor, or my favorite "oh you can just adopt a child" that all my issues will just disappear.
I figured by posting what I was feeling, I would stop getting fluff posts that aren't productive by any means. Instead my being realistic has made me in to a bad, bad person that is negative and won't accept change.
So post what you will, spread your happy happy baby dust, and I'll try to refrain from popping anyone's bubble by pointing out that life sucks.

tina_d · 06-21-2008, 01:40 AM

Nobody said that life is a bowl of sunshine... It's a total *****, I'll admit it. Each and everyone of us on here has our own sob stories. I lost my uterus and any other chances of having a child because of an incompetent doctor. I'm also losing my freedom because my uncle made stupid mistakes in his life, and is now mentally and physically unable to take care of himself, and my grandparents have entrusted his care to me. One has a heart condition and the other is battling cancer. I'm the only one they trust to take care of him. So I agreed to give up my life to give them peace of mind.

Is this what I expected in life? Hell no, but I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself. And I don't expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. There are things in life that we just can't change, so we have to find ways to deal with it.

The best coping mechanism I've found is opening my eyes to the world around me, and realizing that no matter how bad my life may be, somebody else is out there dealing with bigger problems then mine. They can overcome these problems, so can I. It's not the best way to maintain a positive attitude, but it's working for me.

BeetleGirl · 06-21-2008, 02:31 AM

Imo if people didn't feel sorry for themselves from time to time, there would be no need for depression forums or councillors because people would be able to resolve all their issues on their own. People post here because they feel they can share their stories with others for support to get them over the hump in their lives. Condemning them sure isn't going to make most feel better, nor is it going to help them get over whatever is upsetting them.

There is more to life than just having children. I realized this many years ago. However, it's not my pain that has me boohooing, but the pain I cause my mother, by never giving her the opportunity to be called Grandma, the same with my mother in law. In many ways the pain of letting those down around me, hurts more than the pain experienced by the events I have posted.

I originally posted because I wanted advice for my situation, however, I realize that there are just too many people out there that unless they can relate, they can't be of much help. Doesn't make them bad, nor does it make me a bad person but for some reason people can't voice themselves without being kicked when there down.

The bad thing about reading what someone writes is you can read the words, but not always see the undertones or quite understand what they mean unless you know them, even then many things are open for interpretation. People can say I am not willing to change, I'm a pessimist, or whatever they want, I know what's true, and I also didn't originally post my problems to have to sit here and justify myself.
So thanks for your help! It's much appreciated.

Bethann · 06-21-2008, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeetleGirl

Imo if people didn't feel sorry for themselves from time to time, there would be no need for depression forums or councillors because people would be able to resolve all their issues on their own. People post here because they feel they can share their stories with others for support to get them over the hump in their lives. Condemning them sure isn't going to make most feel better, nor is it going to help them get over whatever is upsetting them.

Perhaps this is useless at this point, but that's exactly what several of us have been saying. Ignoring for a moment the distinction between situational depression and mental illness, counselors are there to help people who can't resolve their issues on their own--hence my suggestion that you seek counseling. You don't have to do this alone, but you do have to find some way to live your life with the circumstances you're struggling with--there's no shame at all in needing help with that. And I do think if you could pull back a bit you wouldn't here condemnation, but people who are sad to see you choosing to remain unhappy. Yes, a couple folks have sprinkled "baby dust," but the rest of us have simply pointed out that MANY of us have things in our lives that are really tough, but dealing with them is the only way forward if changing them is not a possibility.

I hope some day you find peace, whatever that means for you.

tina_d · 06-23-2008, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeetleGirl

The bad thing about reading what someone writes is you can read the words, but not always see the undertones or quite understand what they mean unless you know them, even then many things are open for interpretation. People can say I am not willing to change, I'm a pessimist, or whatever they want, I know what's true, and I also didn't originally post my problems to have to sit here and justify myself.
So thanks for your help! It's much appreciated.

I totally agree with your statement, and believe me, there is no malicious or defensive intent in my posts back to you here.

You may feel like you are justifying yourself, but it seems like you're missing what is going on here. Go back and read your replies. With each reply, you've been opening up a little more about your problems.

Grief, guilt, and anger are all 'norms' in life caused by situations that we cannot control nor change. The only way we can really get around them is finding a truce in ourselves. I'm reluctant to saying 'accepting' or 'finding peace' because somewhere down the line, something is going to come along in life and remind us of our situation, and bring these feelings right back. Then there we are facing it all over again.

What real advice can anyone really offer you in this situation? Saying I'm sorry for what you're going thru is no help at all. It's just posted on here permanently for you to keep coming back to see, helping you justify the way you're feeling now. I don't think that would really help, so I'll stick with my undertone of 'Don't forget that you still have a life to live, even though it's not the one you had expected. And that there is still some sunshine out there, you just need to find it.'

*hugs

BeetleGirl · 06-24-2008, 01:17 PM

I give up!

tina_d · 06-25-2008, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChrissyJo

.
Not many people feel like just giving up and of those people not many of them keep going anyway.

I don't think she literally meant 'giving up'. I think she meant giving up on this post because she's not getting out of it what she feels she needs. It's not easy to read the compassion and concern that the poster may have intended.

And I don't think she is just dealing with depression. There is a sense of loss, and that is a lot harder to overcome then depression.

dlcljcldc · 06-25-2008, 10:52 PM

that is exactly what I was trying to convey.
I myself went thru month after month of failure to concieve as
everyone around me was popping out babies with ease
every month for 8 yrs I cried and screamed why me?
then one day I decide I'm not taking NO as an answer.
changed Drs and 6 mos later found my self PG

I have been in her shoes I was told over and over I would never concieve
and then I changed drs got referred to an RE that knew her stuff.
So I understand the pity party she is having BTDT
but med. science changes everyday and if they can grow a baby in a tube there is a miracle out there for everyone.

so I just think she needs to take control of her life back say I won't hear NO and I want a family...and find her answer.
there is always a choice. ALWAYS

alaskaflygirl · 06-26-2008, 01:18 AM

I respect the fact that it appears you're in a bit of a grieving/mourning period for your experience, but I'll share a statement with you that I put on an old post:

We can't control a particular situation. But we can control ourselves in a particular situation.

I honestly have no idea what it's like to be driven to get pregnant, but I know what it's like for your body to not cooperate when you have a goal (I used to be really athletic and can now hardly climb a set of stairs due to 4 years of cancer treatment).

Just because things are the way they are in your life doesn't mean that you have to suffer in anger and sadness every minute. You can choose to flush out the negativity, regardless of whatever emotions surround a situation.

goldenlyfe · 07-08-2008, 03:20 AM

I understand the hearing you can have kids from others who already have them is very difficult. I don't have any children myself (and probably won't as I haven't had a period a lá no ovulation in 9 years), and I feel that God must turn to my channel for a good laugh... cause just when I think something is bad it just gets worse.... I wish I had some enlightened answer, but I don't really, sorry... but I am sending you a hug and an understanding shoulder... I do believe that you will find your strength, hang in there...

tariana · 07-08-2008, 10:53 AM

Why are you assuming that you can only adopt a child with severe problems? There are plenty of healthy children to adopt... my husband and I aren't wealthy and we adopted a perfectly healthy newborn girl. We waited just two months.

While I understand that you have problems your negative attitude will get you nowhere. There are ALWAYS things you can do to change things.