What do you do when you can't trust God?

VivC · 05-29-2005, 05:08 AM

I haven't had an easy life (violent childhood, raped at 20, violent marriage), but I've always managed to keep a connection with God. Until Rivi died. I tried for years to get pregnant, then God gave me my miracle baby, just to take him away too soon. It feels like he was screwing with my head. Losing Rivi was the final straw, and I gave up on God altogether for awhile. But I felt empty without Him. Now I've found a new church, and I'm trying to rebuild a relationship with Him.

I've talked with the priest (it's an Episcopal Church, and I LOVE it), and he's very supportive (he cries AND prays with me), but he says I need to find my own answers, nothing he tells me will fix my situation (he has given me scriptures to read, etc.). That makes sense, but how do you trust God when it seems that he has let your heart break so many times before?

tariana · 05-29-2005, 11:10 AM

I don't have any answers, Viv, but I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I haven't been through nearly as much as you have and sometimes I feel that way about God as well. I'm trying to get better, though. They say time heals all wounds... I don't know if it does or not but in my experience it makes them a little smaller. Anyway *hugs* and I'm sorry.

malcat22 · 05-29-2005, 11:25 AM

hmm, what can you even begin to say to this, i hope you won't be offended by the fact that i've read quite a few of your posts on this board and although i realise it may not be my place o comment i find your strength inspiring i also have to say i can understand you feeling how you do towards god. i imagine this wasn't helped by what you mentioned in other posts about your previous church.
the only way i can make sens of tragedies such as those you have suffered is with the usual unhelpful mantra of 'everything happens for a reason' like if i hadn't been diagnoed with depression at 17 i would never have met my ex and would never have decided to move to scotland and that was the best decision of my life. but i realise in some cases even this cannot apply.
i'm so sorry for the loss of your son, its obvious from all your posts on here just how much you loved him and i can only begin to imagine the grief you feel at his loss. but also i imagine you got so much joy from the very short time you had with him, and i'm certain you would have preferred this to never knowing you're little angel at all. so really his birth was a gift from god but i remember reading once that all children are just on loan and soe are called home to their father in heaven sooner than others. also children are little souls all their own so maybe god had a plan for rivi which involved him being with him in heaven and your heartache was merely a side effect of this. i know it's not much of an answer but it's the best i can hope to grasp the workings of god.

as for the violence you've suffered i think i already put in another post that people are born with free will so god does not have complete control, its just that someone on earth who is broken probably by some huge horrible tragedies of their own chose to harm you. it's a horrible fact than sometimes people do awful things to one another and it does make me very sad!!

i don't by any means expect you to accept these axplanations, i just wanted to let you know how i rationalise such things, i hope your life improves by leaps and bounds now that you are finding some comfort in the church! wherever you find the comfort you seek it's important to grasp it because you seem like a great woman who's suffered a lot but has a lot to give the world.

VivC · 05-29-2005, 04:23 PM

Thank you. You're right - I wouldn't change one single second of my time with Rivi (except to keep him longer). Those hours with him are the best I've ever lived.

I guess it's just going to take time to rebuild a relationship with God. I just wish I knew how much!

Viv

Tiggamoo · 05-29-2005, 04:33 PM

I don't have the answers either but I've been keeping up with your posts. You are stronger than you think. You have been through so much. All I know to tell you is you've got to have faith that things will get better and that God is there for you. I went through a time in my life in which I was further from God than I had ever been. I had lost my faith and trust in God. It does take a while to trust God again. Read scriptures, pray, and keep going to church. Have faith that you'll be able to trust in God again.

his_angel · 05-31-2005, 09:32 PM

Hi Viv...
Searching & reading through all these forums is like piecing together a puzzle - an interesting puzzle.

I've read some of your posts in other forums, but I had no idea you've been through so much. It can be very heartbreaking to hear of others' situations just as much as going through ones yourself.

I, too, was (date) raped when I was 17 by an acquaintance in high school. It took YEARS to get past it all - memories, feeling violated, nightmares... I had even gotten rebellious & premiscuous trying to make it all go away, but it didn't work. I had a lot of trouble w/ my ex (w/ whom I had my son by).

When I met my current dh, things started off well, but we had a lot of arguements.

We had gotten into a fight one night where I slapped him & he slapped me back. The result of that was us making a pact w/ each other to NEVER hit each other out of anger - and we've held true to this for over 10 yrs. My dh can testify that there were a lot of difficulties getting completely intimate w/ me emotionally because of what happened when I was 17 & the dealings w/ my ex. The greatest thing that he ever did for me was leading me to Christ.

When this happened, situations may not have changed (I was going through my divorce at the time) however, my outlook toward those situations sure did! Eventually, I was able to turn what happened over to Him & forgive the guy. Once I did that, the nightmares stopped & my dh & I were able to make leaps & bounds emotionally (but we still have a ways to go).

We may never ever know the reasons why something happens - ONLY God does! This is where the trust comes in. Trust & Faith are not based on feelings, because feelings change like the weather. We could be angry as hell, or deep in despair & still trust God because He is completely in control. This doesn't mean that He will make everything calm, nice, or sweet, but He will provide for our needs, protect us, help us, and guide us.

It's good that you chose to go to the priest. Do you mind sharing w/ me what verses he suggested for you to read? I can also send you some that have helped me & others I know. It may not change the situation, but it may give you a "boost".

I do sympathize w/ ttc. My dh & I have been trying for 10 yrs. Rest assured that all precious little ones who don't get to stay here very long have, in deed, 'made it home before us' & they're all up there helping God in ways we never could! :marchmell

I will definitely lift you up in prayer.

Pamela · 05-31-2005, 10:41 PM

Viv, I don't know how you get closer with God. Just pray and read His word.
I' m so glad you found a church you like !!!!!!!!
You hang in there sweetie!!!!!!!!
((HUGS)))
Pam

PhoenixRaven · 05-31-2005, 11:07 PM

(((Viv)))

You have been such a source of inspiration not only to me, but to many other cysters here and I feel your heavy heart right now and it saddens me. I too have gone thru many tradegies in life and can only imagine what kind of hurt it caused you when Rivi was sent back to the Summerlands (my version of Heaven).

I don't have the answers for you, but just know that I am here beside you in Spirit, walking with you while you learn to re-connect with God and trust Him again. I lost much of my Faith over the last few years and am slowly re-learning my life with the Goddess and God (I'm Pagan). I'll walk with you.

((((HUGS))))

I hope you feel emotionally better soon.

Blessed Be
~Corrie~

MaryJean · 06-01-2005, 01:50 PM

God will never put on you more than you can handle. He is carrying you and you don't realize it.
There is really no such thing as rebuilding a relationship with God. Rebuilding a relationship is when 2 people are trying to become closer once again. God is still carrying you. He is still as close to you as He ever was. He is still looking at you with love in His eyes for His child,which you will always be. He will not give up on you. It is you who have to rebuild a relationship with your self,learn to trust yourself and your heart again. God is waiting for you to allow yourself to feel Him. Rivi is with God, and as difficult as it is to feel, there is no better place to be.

Swingin' Cyster · 06-01-2005, 02:03 PM

I have no answers, only hugs and prayers. One suggestion, look to the lives of early Christian saints who suffered great ordeals too. Perhaps they have the reasons. St. Mary Margaret, St. Therese, St. Mary Magdalene are a few starters...
HTH, Kara

Cassandra Gayle · 06-01-2005, 02:13 PM

I have no advice on anything, I am far away from God myself. Even though he blessed me greatly. I am still reserved with him and our situation. I just want to tell you, don't even give up on God, even though it feels like he gave up on you. He is just testing us seeing how far we can go before we ask for his help again.. Or that is the way I feel about it... I will be praying for you.. Cassie

Aprile78 · 06-01-2005, 02:15 PM

aww Viv -- I wish you lived closer

I'd come hug you right now

I was thinking of two things with your post. One is the footprints in the sand poem, and the 2nd is what I keep hearing myself, but maybe ignoring a bit. Those times when we feel we're all alone, are the times God's closest............in those dark hours, we're supposed to draw near to Him..........and He'll be there. "No danger can come so near the Christian that God is not nearer."

and

Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson
© 1984

VivC · 06-01-2005, 02:32 PM

I remember the footprints poem. I guess it does fit here, huh?

The priest pointed out what Mary must have felt watching Jesus suffer on the cross. Did she doubt her faith? Did she wonder whether it was all a horrible mistake? Or was she strong enough to see through the other side? I like to think that, since she was human, she felt the same as I did watching Rivi struggle. I'm not comparing Rivi to Jesus - I'm just pointing out that Mary had to suffer as much as I did. Sometimes, that thought is comforting, sometimes it's not (like when I think, "Yeah, but she's with her son now").

What with my marriage falling apart, work not living up to my expectations, and grieving Rivi, most of the time I don't know WHAT I'm doing.

((HUGS)),

Viv

Swingin' Cyster · 06-01-2005, 02:38 PM

I think that correlation of you to Mary and Rivi to Jesus fits wonderfully!
More prayers, Kara

Aprile78 · 06-01-2005, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivcrayton

I remember the footprints poem. I guess it does fit here, huh?

The priest pointed out what Mary must have felt watching Jesus suffer on the cross. Did she doubt her faith? Did she wonder whether it was all a horrible mistake? Or was she strong enough to see through the other side? I like to think that, since she was human, she felt the same as I did watching Rivi struggle. I'm not comparing Rivi to Jesus - I'm just pointing out that Mary had to suffer as much as I did. Sometimes, that thought is comforting, sometimes it's not (like when I think, "Yeah, but she's with her son now").

What with my marriage falling apart, work not living up to my expectations, and grieving Rivi, most of the time I don't know WHAT I'm doing.

((HUGS)),

Viv

But Mary also had to live a while on this earth without her Son.......even though we all have her Son......does that make sense? She lived apart from his physical being after his crucifixion.

hugs to you Viv. I think you're a strong woman.