AnotherDreamer

"So, when are you two going to have a little one of your own?"

I was hoping that I wouldn't have to worry about this question for awhile. I mean, I already hated it because I am infertile, but now that I have experienced a loss I really don't know how to answer it. I used to just shrug and say, "Maybe next year."

But now I don't know what to say. I want to say, "I already have one, but unfortunately he wasn't meant to be." But most people don't know about our loss, and I don't want to be a downer, or have people who don't care a real hoot about me give me polite pity, or insensitive comments...

Here's the situation.

I really wasn't expecting to have to answer it so soon. I only get asked it at family gatherings on DH's side, only at Thanksgiving and Christmas... but SIL is getting married in two weeks. And I know, since we are the last ones to get married and no one knows much about us they'll feel they can only ask us about two things, Our married life and our future family plans. (Which, I don't know who started it as a commonplace thing to blatantly ask someone about their fertility/family plans, but they should be shot. That's like asking someone about their sex life. Not appropriate for people you barely know and rarely talk to.)

Anyways. I wasn't really thinking about my situation in all this. I mean, the wedding is all about her, and then it hit me... I will have to socialize and THE question might come up. Sh*t. I KNOW that THE question will come up because DH's family likes to ask. I only told my MIL about the miscarriage (She's divorced from FIL.) No one knows that we lost a baby, and no one knows that my ovaries are stupid and that I'm on fertility treatments.

Also, I have to go to the Bridal Shower this Sunday, and I'm hoping they don't try to ask then. I just want them to focus on her and skip the small talk with me.

I thought I'd have until Thanksgiving at the least to grieve and come up with an appropriate answer.
I don't want to pretend that my baby didn't exist, I may have only carried till 5 weeks but as far as I am concerned I have a baby... and I still miss him deeply.

Sorry so long... I just thought I had more time to think about this.

What do you ladies say?
Do you tell them you were pregnant, that it's an inappropriate question, or that you will be a mother one day...

Any suggestions or advice welcome.

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unctoothlady

I would just say exactly what you feel. I mean, some folks, I think, are super NOSY and I don't think its anyone's business when I am going to add to my family. I mean, how do they know that we even are wanting children (I know we do, but I'm just saying).

I just think its downright rude/intrusive for them to even ask. JMO

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Hysteroscopy 8/14/08- Per the doc, I have a "Beautiful Uterus", and its even heart shaped....

Miracle07

You could say “you go first!” or “after you” --- we used to say this to our other couple friends who did not have children. If they did have kids we would say “No way! We just like to play with yours and give it back” It was a way to make a joke out of it or put the pressure back on them.

To family member’s I would either say “at some point” or “we are enjoying our time alone together right now” That way it showed people that we were thinking about it but not really committed so they would not ask me again at the next family event.

I think that saying that you “are enjoying just being a couple” would work well for you in a Wedding situation. We used this one a lot when we were younger. You and DH are still pretty young so it will work for you too I bet. It shuts people up because they know that you are younger and people with children usually understand. Sometimes you might have someone be a smart arse and say “well when are you going to decide to have kids then?” and that is when I get more grouchy and say “at some point.

I am not telling you to not tell people about your angel but you need to feel comfortable with the people about sharing your loss. Most of the time if you do say something about it they will act uncomfortable or say something stupid anyway and then you end up feeling like crap. That is why I act like I am not TTC when I am around family or extended family. Only very limited people know about our losses and struggles. It is like a secret club and I like it that way. I don’t have to deal with other people’s pity or judgment. I honor and think about my angels in my own way and of course my cysters acknowledge them and that is enough for me.

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Melissa (29)
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DH (31)
Metformin ER
miscarriages
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8/03, 4/06, and 5/08
DS: Jackson Matthew born 3/15/07 after 4 1/2 years TTC. Truly a miracle!


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SheriKCMO

"As soon as Nature allows" was something I said... but I had a live birth that everyone in our extended circle knew about, so this was for strangers. "Well, we lost our first, so we hope to have one we can keep as soon as possible." Or "We've had a rocky road, but we do want a family" -- that shuts almost everyone up!

I'm sorry this stuff is so painful!! ((Hugs))

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Sheri:36 Hubby:36
Metformin 1500mg since 10/02, Yasmin since 4/06, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs

First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.

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Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks

Third pregnancy, Cerclage 8/13-1/19

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Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage 8/26-1/26

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Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs

Time to lose this weight!

Lezasc20

Thats a great question. I think most of my family knows about my loss b/c they were all excited for this baby. But I think its your right to say exactly how you feel. if you want to be polite and tell them "when it's time....or someday we'll be blessed" then that might be the most appropriate for the occassion. If you have someone ask that you cannot stand just say "well, when would you like us to have one...when is it convenient for you". Maybe thats not appropriate but as a woman and a mother to an angel you have the right to say whatever you want.

Just say whatever makes you comfortable and the point across. I dont think there are magic words b/c no matter how they ask you will feel immediate pain in your heart. So if you're a person is out spoken just say what is on your mind. If you are a little more reserved just say whatever makes you feel better and gets you out of the conversation. BUT You may find that someone in the family has been thru the same experience and can share your emotions. So be selective and do whatever feels right to you.

Good luck!
Best wishes to the bride as well.

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AnotherDreamer

Thank you ladies. As always, you're all wonderful.

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annem84

If you are religious--"When God allows us"...that is what we say but otherwise--I would just say that when you feel the time is right, that is when you will have a child. There is no set date and time that we have to have a child by but we will let you know when it does happen.

I'm sorry for your loss

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Anne & Kyle


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