What do you tell people?

GemmGirl · 01-20-2008, 07:13 PM

So, dh and I were married for 5 years before our daughter was born. Of course, ppl always asked when were going to kids, etc, etc. I finally got so tired that I started telling ppl I had fertility issues. Then they looked like they felt bad for asking. Now that we've had one kid, I have a new set of friends and they all want to know when we're going to have another. I don't know if I want to. It was a painful and heartbreaking process to get to where we are, and I don't know if I want to go through that again. All that assuming that I can conceive again! I don't even know if I could. I am happy and blessed with my daughter. I am just tired of ppl asking, which I know they're going to do anyway. So, I'm wondering if any of you would like to share some tactful, or creative, or maybe not so tactful ways of telling ppl that you aren't going to have another one.

tattwo · 01-20-2008, 07:38 PM

I'm 31, single, and no kids. Of course you know I get it bad. LOL!!! Now I just get to point where we somonw ask me those "wonderful questions", I simply say it just havent happened for me yet and when God want it to happen for me, it will. After that response, I'm left alone. No more explanations. LOL!!

R0xyg4l · 01-20-2008, 07:42 PM

I always just tell people I have hormonal issues. Then people generally get off my case

. I just try to keep thinking when it's meant to happen... it will. Best of luck!

soulfulqween · 01-20-2008, 07:49 PM

Maybe I shouldn't reply. I hate people asking me business. I'm 28 and I don't have any intention on TTC. So people in my family continue to look to me to have children. I've always known it would be hard for me to have children in the first place, plus I have structured my life in such a way that children would not be a smart move even if I was capable. Children deserve all of our attention and love.

THAT being said...

You could say you are happy with your daughter and if a second child comes then great and if one doesn't then you still have a beautiful little girl.

I also believe that if someone is going to be bold enough to ask or say something then they should get what they deserve.

Tell them that when Saturn's 3rd moon is in the position of their liking the aliens will return to impregnate you a second time thus staking their claim to planet Earth and beginning their rein of terror. (Of course your daughter is no alien...I'm sure she's cutie BUT you asked for creative)

Jashobeam · 01-20-2008, 08:35 PM

"Only God knows" is my current standard reply. If people push further, they are usually just nosey, not as much concerned. I get sick of the whens and ifs from people.

ellie_anna · 01-20-2008, 09:19 PM

Dh and I have been going through the process of TTc for a couple of years now. We would love to have one child if not more but life is what it is.

About the family issue have been 'it will happen when it happens'. or we tell people that we have enjoyed having the opportunity to work on our relationship and feel like we will have a great foundation to build our family on if and when we have children'.

When don't get asked as often any more because enough time has passed and our answers are vague that people come to their own conculsions.

Fleegle4 · 01-20-2008, 09:20 PM

I think you always have to look at the questioner. I would think in today's day and age, people know not to ask, but many people are just trying to make conversation or trying to find some common ground with which to make conversation. If you sense the person doesn't mean anything by it and is just clueless, some polite but non-committal response like "oh, we haven't decided", or "we'll see" and then switch to another topic. If they're hostile, aggressive, or your mother :-), then you can be a bit more direct and say something like "when you carry it and pay for it, we'll consider it", or drop the infertility bomb on them and let them feel like cr*p.

I used to travel a lot in the middle east, and I would get asked that all the time. It's just a normal question that people there would not think of NOT asking. I was single, but wore a wedding ring (again to smooth things over with random strangers and business contacts - being in situations as a solo female, a wedding ring signified I had a husband, even if it was a bad one who let me travel alone, rather than being the equivalent of a prostitute in their eyes), and when asked, I would simply shrug, smile, and say "I have not been so blessed", and let them fill in the blanks as to why not. Talking about your "babies" was just a normal topic of conversation, especially when meeting women. "Where are your babies? How many do you have?". In that context, I couldn't take it personally.

misskitty · 01-21-2008, 10:42 PM

People always ask me when the next baby is...and I tell them that I have fertility issues and I don't know, but I hope it's soon. They usually shut up because they realize they shouldn't have been so nosy. The worst is when my MIL asks, because she knows my history and how much I worried about if I would ever have kids. I do have one beautiful son, and I would love to give him siblings! But for me, it's in God's hands, and I just have to believe!
GL!

sarahgmac · 01-22-2008, 12:12 AM

I told people I had a hormonal imbalance. I guess I don't mind telling people. I am very open about my PCOS. And it was very hard, because people knew we were ttc and would ask if I was "pregnant yet".

cyndi_lea · 01-22-2008, 08:26 AM

I usually tell people that my husband and I are enjoying "practicing" making a baby and when we get it perfect then we'll get pregnant. My sister was afraid to tell me when she got pregnant, she thought I would be mad at her, I told her I could never be mad at her for that maybe a little jealous but never mad. My sister in law is convinced that every time I call her I'm calling to tell her I'm PG. I just started asking her, " can't I call because I love and miss you? Do I need to have some thing important going on to call?" then she usually thinks about it and apologizes. I have told my whole family my situation with pcos (that's a lot of people by the way) so they're pretty good about not asking too much. Occasionally they forget and I say something random and smile.

Nantucket · 01-23-2008, 01:39 PM

I was Dx with PCOS at age 14, I was married at age 19 and we had 5 very long hard years childless. At first everyone was saying "you have time, just enjoy yourselves" . The baby questions started about 2 years into our marriage. I KNEW what was wrong. I had known for years. I was very upfront with DH while we were dating about what our TTC life would be like. We tried to explain it to his immediate family but no one wanted to learn about it. So when the questions started I made up excuses or changed the subject. Then something in me changed, I got mad and I started telling people what I had. I tried beating it into their heads that it wasn't all because I was fat, that it didn't matter if we stuck a pillow under my ass before sex, and all the other crap they fed us-all the 'advice'.

After we had our daughter our experience was that people thought we should just be content with her-that we should be 'greatful' we were 'lucky' enough to have one-that we didn't 'need' any more children. And suddenly I found that we had to defend our choice to have more constantly.

People are too often ignorant and opinionated and you just need to learn to block them out as best you can.

aturnbg · 01-23-2008, 01:47 PM

I'm so sorry that you feel pressured by people. I don't think it's rude of people to question b/c I think it's often that they are just curious or trying to come up w/ conversation.

I've always been up front when people asked when my DH and I were going to have babies. At first it was, "DH and I are happy just enjoying our marriage." Later when we started down the fertility road if the question came up, "I have a PCOS and it will be a challange for me to get pregnant. I am doing all that is in my power and the rest is in God's hands." Now that I am pregnant, people ask if I will try to have more children and I have the same feelings as you do and tell them so, "After having gone through fertility treatments for these babies, I will not be going through it agian, even if I was only having one. " It was very hard to deal with and it's not a road I care to go down agian.

Try not to be to upset with people. Just be honest w/ your feelings on the matter and maybe they will learn something.

PBLayzod · 01-23-2008, 01:59 PM

The average person is probably just trying to make conversation. If these "friends" are asking because they care about you and don't know about your ttc history, why not just explain that you had a difficult time getting pregnant with the first and you and DH haven't decided if you want to go down that road again. When/if you do start ttc a similar response such as "it took a few years last time, so we aren't expecting anything immediately" might be more than sufficient.

I use my experience as a way to educate other women about PCOS. I've never minded discussing it, but I hate the stupid advice you get while ttc. If it was as easy as relaxing and sticking your butt in the air we would all have gotten pregnant on our honeymoons.

Also, if/when you decide to ttc again there is no reason why you have to share that info. You can always keep it to yourself and give the same "we haven't decided yet" line. If you start needed support to cope with the stress, I'd suggest finding at least one friend IRL you can talk to so that DH doesn't have to be your only supportive shoulder.