i have no clue what is my problem right now. two nights ago i woke up at 1am in a complete panic attack and it was the worst that i have had in a VERY long time-shaking sweating racing thoughts wanting to run away but wanting to go hide in my closet. it sucked big time! well normally what works is for me to try to focus on what is causing my anxiety and either block that thought out or figure out a solution to the issue that gave me that thought. so i am just laying in bed kinda like seeing my thoughts in my head to get to the point of it all and they are not making any sense at all. there was no focal point in my thoughts at all. i mean they went from what if my new landlord (i am moving into a new apartment in october) didn't get my deposit to thoughts about the book that i was reading earlier that day and what really happened in it (it was based on queen katherine of aragon's life). i mean it was all stupid stuff and i just couldn't find the THING that set it off. so i finally break down and take my valium (i hate taking it cuz it makes me tired and i also feel like i am not in control of my thoughts if i cant get myself thru it without meds) and i make some chamomille tea and go lay on the couch and read for a lil while. i finally calm down enough to get tired and go back to bed.
then at 9am i wake up again with another panic attack not as bad but this time i was just scared and i had no thoughts in my head at all, it was just blank. so i got up and started doing some stuff around the house to try to occupy myself. when my friend called i couldnt even get myself to tell her that i was feeling like crap i felt like i had to be happy and pretend that nothing was wrong and i have no clue why i felt like that. so all day i was just icky feeling.
i went over to my really good friends house last night and we had a really great talk for a long time and we talked bout some stuff that i have not said out loud to anyone. but when i came home i felt great like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. i slept great and woke up ready to face the world.
did my thing all day and around 6pm i just got really tired and could hardly keep my eyes open so i figured i would go lay down for an hour and just rest. well i ended up sleeping for 2 hours but what woke me up was this freaky dream.
i have issues with my 'dad' and it was all about his family calling me and yelling at me and blaming me for something that i still cant figure out. so when i woke up i was not really panic-y just felt icky.
now my emotions are like a roller coaster. one min all i want to do is cry then the next i want to break something (i am not a violent person and not generally an angery person).
i did have therapy like a week ago with a new therapist since i just moved and cuz she was new we kinda skimmed over the basics of my issues. i dunno its not like we talked bout anything that i havent talked to my family and friends about.
but i do know that in my nice long talk with my good friend i told her that i wanted a baby like yesterday. i have not said that out loud to anyone. i am not in a relationship of any kind, not even having casual sex and havent for like 3 yrs. but for the past 5 yrs the drs were saying i would never be able to have kids and in my last round of tests a few months ago they said all my hormone levels were normal and that for all intensive purposes i am a normal 25 yr old. but i am scared that if i dont get pg now that by the time i do find mr right and we decide to have kids that things will be screwed up again and i wont be able to.
i just dont know what has brought on this sudden change in my emotions, i have been so happy despite the stupid stuff going on in my life. in fact i should be even happier now cuz i found a place that i like and can afford so i can get out of mom's house (been staying with her since i moved back a lil over a month ago). and the place is great and i cant wait to move in but now i have this like shadow over me.
i dunno i guess i just needed to vent so thanks for listening.
what the heck is my deal? 
