What I want to say

thing1 · 03-24-2005, 06:24 PM

when people ask me how many kids I have...

is say "four".

But I say "one", for my son. I don't mention the other three that died inside of me.

I just say "one". It's a *@#$% lie and it kills me to say it. I wonder how bad my lost babies feel when I deny that they are mine. I start to feel like a major piece of crap and it totally consumes me.

That's when I pick my son up and get in the car and hide and choke out these huge, window shattering, nearly-hyperventilating sobs. Nice, huh?

Suze,
crying my eyes out and having a total crap day

saluki_fan · 03-24-2005, 06:25 PM

Hi Suze,

I am so sorry about this. Hope your day gets better soon.

Today someone asked me if I had any children. I wanted to say "three angels" but just smiled and said "no." I feel like I'm denying my angels the acknowledgment they deserve.

thing1 · 03-24-2005, 06:35 PM

Thanks Saluki! You are always so supportive!

I just wish there was a way to acknowledge them without sounding like a total kook or opening myself up for an impromtu discussion on miscarriage.

saluki_fan · 03-24-2005, 06:45 PM

I agree. I can talk about my angels whenever I want with certain friends. My parents will talk about it - if I bring it up. Everyone else wants to pretend like it never happened. DH's family refuses to even acknowledge it at all, which breaks my heart.

Suze, you can talk about your angels with me anytime you want. If you'd like, let's talk about them now...When were your due dates? How far along were you with each loss? What about the angel that is still with you (your son)? What is his name, and how old is he?

If you prefer not to answer, that's OK...

thing1 · 03-24-2005, 07:16 PM

Well, somehow I feel much lighter. I think that's enough for now. I'd like to stay like this for a moment and try to breathe without crying, it's a welcome break.

Thanks Saluki, you are the best!

(((HUGS)))
Suze

SheriKCMO · 03-25-2005, 12:13 AM

Suze,
(((Big Hugs)))
I'm sure tomorrow will feel better than today. I hate bad days! It's awful that most people couldn't comprehend what we were talking about if we preferred to describe our families as we see them, but THANK GOODNESS they haven't had to suffer through this and therefor cannot understand. Know what I mean? That's the only good side of our uncomfortable moments when we really wish we could say otherwise.

With the new baby, I've been asked a zillion times if this is my first. If I will know the person more than five minutes, I tell them that he's my second but that we lost our first. Most people drop it, but once in a while there is a connection to be made with another person with a loss. Sometimes it's worth going out on that limb, because we can exchange sympathy and comfort with a stranger, and the world comes closer together. At the same time, we can express what we truly want to and acknowledge the children who should be hanging onto our pant legs.
Good luck with the rest of the week getting better!
Sheri

thing1 · 03-25-2005, 11:45 AM

Sheri,
Thanks for your (((hugs)))!!! I have brought it up a few times and also found many women who've also had m/c's. However, some days I just can't handle it and I guess yesterday was one of those days.

BTW, I LOVE the name Duncan. DH wouldn't let me name DS that b/c it sounded too similar to our last name. And actually Duncan would be your third, right? According to your ticker you have two losses.

Thanks cysters!
Suze

saluki_fan · 03-25-2005, 12:39 PM

Suze and Sheri, do you mind if I talk a bit about my angels? This is long...grab some coffee or something.

My first one was conceived in mid June 2004. I took Clomid CD5-9 and went to the ER with extreme abdominal pain on CD10. They thought I had OHSS at first and kept checking me for cysts, while I insisted the whole time that the pain was consistant with what my friend Jill had when she had her appendicitis. Finally they did a CT scan on me and it turned out it was appendicitis. The doc seemed irritated that I was right. But I digress...anyway, I remember asking the surgeon "Does this mean I'm not going to ovulate this month" and he said "not necessarily." Anyway, I was released from the hospital on CD13 and was dripping EWCM when I got out of the shower. I took OPKs until they turned + and we BD'd every night in the "boring" position with a pillow over the incision in my abdomen. We were still shocked when I got a positive HPT on July 5th! We nicknamed the baby "Mooch". The doctors were worried about a tubal at first, since abdominal surgery can put pressure on your tubes, but it turned out to settle in the right place. Supposedly there was a "faint" heartbeat at my first u/s on 7/26, but the baby was "small for dates" & they moved my due date from 3/9 to 3/22. The u/s tech was very rude and kept saying "I don't see anything, oh wait, now I do" and I got her to admit she was not the usual u/s tech; she only did them on Mondays. We suspect the u/s tech just heard MY heartbeat and didn't know it. My new doc suspects that too. Anyway, I started very light spotting on 8/7 and called the office; they told me it was probably "nothing to worry about." On 8/17, I started spotting heavier and they fit me in and did another u/s, where it was confirmed that the baby was gone and my uterus was returning to its original shape. After considering our options, we decided to do a D&C, and that took place on 8/26. After seeing copies of my medical records when I changed doctors, I saw that the D&C pathology report stated "there was no fetal tissue, only products of conception" like the placenta and uterine lining. So it was classified as a blighted ovum. Sometimes I wonder how good of an egg could I have ovulated 6 days after an appendectomy anyway. I had to get an MMR immunization, because my PG bloodwork had revealed I was no longer immune to rubella, and we couldn't TTC again for 3 months.

Those 3 months were horrible. My HCG levels were dropping and it was an awful roller coaster ride. I was very depressed and just wanted to go be with my baby. I joined SoulCysters in September and that's helped me a lot. The only good thing that happened is that I O'd every month on Metformin alone, and had "regular" cycles for the first time ever, which was very encouraging to me. We TTC on Metformin alone in November, but did not conceive.

In December I went back to Clomid. I O'd on CD20 (12/17). My bbs started hurting on Christmas Eve, and I got a blood test done on 12/27 at 10 DPO. My HCG was 11. On 12/30 and 12/31, I got positive home tests. We nicknamed the baby "Bean." On 1/2, I started having the "wet" feeling I usually get before AF arrives (it's from the uterine lining disintegrating) and got a little nervous. I called the doc about it on 1/3 and they refused to send me for another blood test and told me to call back if I started spotting. The next day I started bleeding, similar to a regular AF but the cramps were worse and there were more clots. When I called the doctor's office, they scheduled an appointment for 1/7. While we were there, my doc told me I had never been PG and the HCG in my system was from the Clomid and the 2 positive home tests and PG symptoms were just "flukes." She said you are not PG unless it shows up on an u/s. She also made fun of me for some of the questions I had called in with before, and when I reminded her that I was the patient in question, tried to take her foot out of her mouth by saying it was someone else. Anyway, by the time I left I had resolved to change doctors. My friend called her OB's nurse for me on Monday and asked if she would talk to me. She agreed, and I spent 30 minutes on the phone with the other OB's nurse asking questions and decided to switch to him. I saw him for a second opinion; it's his believe that no, Clomid does NOT put HCG in your system - the only things that would do that are a trigger shot or a pregnancy. The bloodwork paperwork specificially said to send me back in 2 days to make sure my levels were rising, and they didn't do that and were probably trying to cover themselves. He also suspects that my first baby "Mooch" may not have ever had a heartbeat, that it may have just been MY heartbeat, but says he can't really speculate since he wasn't there. Because of his kindness and knowledge, and the fact that he was willing to monitor me every month with P4s when the other doctor was not, I decided to switch doctors and have never looked back.

I took Clomid CDs 5-9 in January again. We suspect I may have gotten PG in mid-January but that was never confirmed on a blood or home test. All the symptoms were there, and I had a lot of cramping at 7 DPO that seemed like it was the baby trying to implant. My P4 was 37, which is in the "first trimester" category. But since we never confirmed it, we just have to assume it didn't happen.

I tried Clomid CDs 3-7 in February, O'd CD16 and got PG. Pregnancy was confirmed via blood test at 14 DPO (my HCG was 37) but at 16 DPO it had dropped to 11. At 12 and 13 DPO, I had the "wet" feeling like AF was coming, so I'm starting to suspect that Clomid may be thinning out my uterine lining so much that a baby can't implant and it all disintegrates. I started bleeding at exactly 18 DPO, just like in January. We had named that baby "Hobbit."

Originally my new doc said he was going to get RPL testing done on my if I had another loss where PG had been confirmed by an ultrasound. He changed his mind after last month and decided to refer me to his brother, who is an RE and Repeated Loss Specialist. My appointment with his brother is on April 12th. I have to credit my OB's nurse for this - she had natural killer cells and kept losing her babies after her HCG levels would get to 10 or so. So none of her pregnancies ever made it to u/s stage. She had 5 confirmed losses via bloodwork and probably more unconfirmed losses before her doc would consider RPL testing for her. So she reminded my doc about her situation and he agreed to get the testing done for us. And the nurse had 2 children with IVIg therapy. (She could have had more but only wanted 2.)

We "tried" this month on Metformin alone, even though poor DH dislocated his shoulder on 3-13. We don't expect anything to happen but didn't want to lose another month either. I'm 4 DPO right now. I'm getting a P4 done on Monday and the nurse said just to tell her if my bbs start hurting and I think I need a blood test. It's so nice to have a doctor that will monitor me with bloodwork and will acknowledge that a chemical PG is still a PG and can mean there may be other issues going on! I'm not going to take Clomid again until we know what's going on with the repeated losses. By the time we know what's going on, it will be out of my system and we can start it over again if it makes sense.

Thank you, ladies, for reading my story...it helps me to talk about my angels. If all had worked out, I'd have an infant right now (or be 2 weeks overdue!) so it's been a tough month.

I hope our "angels" are friends, and playing together, with my angel doggy, somewhere.

kadie · 03-25-2005, 07:20 PM

" I hope our "angels" are friends, and playing together, with my angel doggy, somewhere. "

Saluki Fan -- well said

When I was in the hospital verifying the m/c last Thursday, the ultrasound tech asked "is this your first pregnancy?" and I said "no" and she said "so how old is your little one?" I politely replied, "that one didn't make it either." She felt terrible -- but at least she showed some compassion (the nurse who took my blood asked the same thing, and when I gave the same answer, she said somethign to the effect of "well I have 2 kids & sometimes they are just more trouble than it's worth." Um, hello, BEE-OTCH!!! Having a m/c here!! The other nurse was horrified and I heard her putting that lady in her place as I was leaving...)

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and feelings... I don't know anyone in my shoes ... and you all help me so much!

I would also have an infant right now...2 months old.

For as much pain as we've all been through, I am amazed we have the strength to keep plugging along...you are all an inspiration to me!!!

saluki_fan · 03-25-2005, 07:51 PM

Thanks for your kind words, Kadie.

Somewhere on this board, on the Coping With Pregnancy Loss thread, I saw a quote that "My desire to be a mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." I really took that to heart and keep repeating it over and over.

thing1 · 03-26-2005, 11:45 AM

Saluki and Kadie,

You two are brave to keep at it. I've had to quit TTC for awhile. Not just b/c my 3 rounds of clomid failed, but the fear of having another m/c has scared me off.

Saluki- your early m/c's sound a lot like mine. Did you also take estradiol to help with your lining? My Dr. prescribed that for me along with my clomid. Not that I got PG on it. I got PG 3X (my angels) last year on 2000mg Met only. When I added the clomid/estradiol, I didn't get PG at all. Go figure.

Kadie-I'm sorry that nurse was so horrible. I've become such a grouch these past few years I would surely have told her off. Somehow I don't care anymore if people don't think I'm "nice". Must be old age or something, LOL!

saluki_fan · 03-26-2005, 01:15 PM

Hi Suze and Kadie -

No, I did not take Estradiol with the Clomid, and I wonder if that's part of the reason they did not implant, or I lost them, or whatever. I'm going to bring it up with the RE on April 12th. We still want to get RPL testing done, but a too-thin lining is one of my suspicions.

I am really sick today (slight fever, sore throat, hurts to talk, symptoms of sinus infection) so I'm going to keep this short.

Kadie - I'm sorry for the ignorant things the nurse said to you. I think that if every woman went through this, it would be so much easier for us to deal with. Sometimes people hurt more than they help.

thing1 · 03-26-2005, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by saluki_fan

I am really sick today (slight fever, sore throat, hurts to talk, symptoms of sinus infection) so I'm going to keep this short.

Any chance you could be PG? I always get sick like that between 1-7DPO when I am PG. Always.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts!

(((Hugs)))
Suze

saluki_fan · 03-26-2005, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Any chance you could be PG? I always get sick like that between 1-7DPO when I am PG. Always.

I've gotten sick like this 2 out of the 3 times I've been PG (in June and then again in late February - can't remember if I was sick at Christmastime or not). I actually went home sick from work at 1 DPO and then went in late at 2 DPO, because I felt horrible. Then I felt better, and started feeling sick again yesterday afternoon. So, there is a chance, I guess. I'm 5 DPO right now so it's too soon to tell. I'm getting a P4 done on Monday - if my bbs start hurting my OB's nurse said she'd order a blood test for me. So we'll see!

VivC · 03-28-2005, 02:23 PM

Some days it feels like I take four steps back for every one forward. Therapy doesn't seem to make it any easier. I guess I was expecting her to "fix" me, even though I know there's no fixing this heartache. Hubby said the other day that a huge part of me died with Rivi, and that he doesn't know what to do with what's left of me.

Suze - like Sheri, I selectively tell people when they ask if I have children. If I know them, or know that I will get to know them better (new job, etc.), I'll tell them that I have one angel baby who couldn't stay with us. With strangers, I just shake my head no and run away as fast as I can.

Saluki - you mentioned that your new doc will check your P4 levels monthly. Is this throughout your pregnancy? I'm sure my new doc would have no problem, and I've thought about having them checked regularly next time for peace of mind. How did you come up with one-month increments? Did you read something somewhere?

Kadie - Rivi would have been six months old on April 6. Since I reached viability, I mark time by his actual birth date, October 6, 2004, rather than his due date, January 20, 2005. Every now and then I stop and think about what he'd be doing now - I even check out What to Expect the First Year occasionally so I know exactly where he'd be. That's even though I know he'd probably be a little behind because he was born too early. It's harder to figure out what I'd be doing. I'd like to think I'd be blissfully happy, but I know I'd also be incredibly overwhelmed!