What if it was your only chance...

BeetleGirl · 08-03-2006, 06:48 AM

2 years ago when we had a blighted ovum it was just bad luck.
Last year when we lost our twins it was negligence of a nurse.
What do you do if the last time you were pregnant was the last time you will ever be pregnant?
Both pregnancies were because of IVF and were only after spending $65000 on infertility meds, testing & treatment over the last couple of years. What would you do if you don't have anymore money because you lost everything you own?
Could you still have any hope after your dh began suffering from dry orgasms during your last cycle but miraculously produced a sample the day of your retrieval? Would you still have hope after having a doctor butcher your uterus and after two aggresive surgeries still have abnormalties and scarring? Could you have any hope left after having ovarian drillling and 6 weeks after the fact still not ovulate? And is there any point in dreaming what if after being diagnosed with an incompetent cervix & bacterial issues?
What do you do when you realize that it was probably the last chance that you had to have a biological child?

HopefulCyster · 08-03-2006, 07:22 AM

Wow sweet heart.. I am terribly sorry for your misfortune. Honestly... I don't know, but I would probably not be able to continue.... you have been through hell, I can't even imagine! ****BIG HUGS****

I am so, very sorry... I will pray for you and your DH. God bless you both.

LaurAnnHere · 08-03-2006, 09:10 AM

I'm so sorry. I really don't know what I'd do. We kept trying IUI even when our RE said we needed to move on to IVF. We could barely handle the costs of what we were already doing. I don't know if that's an option at all for you. The only thing you can do is keep trudging along. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like your living anymore, just going through the motions. I can't promise happy endings or even a time when you will be at peace. The loss of the dream of a biological child is as difficult as any m/c. I remember how that feels. We were not quite ready to accept it when we began getting information together for an adoption agency. I worked diligently on putting everything I would need together. I wrote my "Dear Birth Mother" letter. I have never felt that a biological child is better. I just wanted to experience bringing life into the world for myself, which is hard for people to understand. I don't know how many times I heard "Why don't you just adopt?" Well, it's not like going shopping. You don't "just" adopt. I did get my miracle, but only after 6 more m/c (my first loss was before we were actively trying). That much loss seems to stamp out all hope.

I don't know if there's any point in dreaming. I don't know if there will be a miracle. I'll pray that you have one, though. I'm so sorry for all the pain you have been through.

*SAHMommie* · 08-03-2006, 02:10 PM

((hugs)) I am sorry you & DH have been through so much. Search your heart & you will know what you should do. I pray that you & DH find the strength to get thru this journey together.
Blessings to you & DH.

*~SugarPlums~* · 08-03-2006, 05:05 PM

I am sorry that you are going thru this. I had a similar experience to you as I have had 4 miscarraiges, 1 unexplained, 2 blighted ovums, and #4 was the loss of my twins due to IC. a total of ten years of infertility and lots of money spent. I ctually did give , decided it was time to take care of me. Fortunatly 6 weeks after this decision I got pregnant with another set of twins and got a cerclage placed at 14 weeks for my ic and now have my babies. So I would say to you , never give up, but do try and focus on yourself now. Sometimes we put so much energy in ttc we forget about ourselves and our relationships. I know that it is hard to just let it go, I was there. But you have to heal yourself from within (if that makes a little sense) and things will hopefully fall into place. Again , I' so sorry you are going through all this and I hope you do get better.

HOLLAND · 08-03-2006, 05:17 PM

I have to say i'm worried about the current mood you put up (dead).

We are here if you ever need anyone to talk too.

I'm so sorry you have been through so much!!

Anonykat · 08-04-2006, 10:09 PM

I am so sorry.

I'm a big believer in miracles, but I know they are not promised to everyone... but they do happen sometimes. Please take care of yourself... do something special with your DH, just to pamper yourselves.

I will say a prayer for you.

LK

BeetleGirl · 08-05-2006, 02:18 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind words & support.
It's just been a tough few days for me.
It's hard knowing that my last miscarriage could have been prevented and that there isn't future chances of pregnancies in the picture. Even to do IVF again there isn't a very high likeliness of success & as for adoption...we have been trying to start the process for years but when we finally get things started we have to up and move. And considering this last year and a bit has been tough losing the twins, our home, our business & our family(who are on the other side of the country) it's really difficult to cope sometimes.

kerr · 08-05-2006, 02:19 AM

I am sorry about all you and DH have been through. I sometimes think the same thing you do, what if this was our only chance to have a child?

I am still living a very emotional state of mind. I try not to give up hope and keep the faith although it is tough at times. Good luck to you and I am here if you need me. IVF and infertility is stressful enough. I recently did IVF and had an ectopic. I hope you find your answers and take care of yourself.

Reebekah · 08-05-2006, 04:21 AM

the only thing that got me thru the hard times was hope and hearing stories of those who did end up having a living child eventually. like you, i suffered from infertility (but couldnt afford ivf so i lost weight, insisted on repeated cycles of clomid, etc)....only to miscarry at 6 weeks.....and then get pg again only to lose my twin girls at 20 weeks due to possible ic and very careless residents/nurses/doctors. we had decided to adopt after that and started gathering info when i ended up getting pregnant. i got a cerclage at 12 weeks and now have a 7 month old son.
i dont have any wonderful advice for you....just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there is always hope if you decide to keep trying. and if not, thats ok too....there are other ways to have a family besides carrying a biological child.
hugs

VivC · 08-09-2006, 09:49 AM

((Beetle)). I'm so sorry so much is happening to you!

I do hope you have your miracle. In your place, I don't know how much hope I'd have. I think I'd try to leave all of my options open - start fostering with the hope of adoption, see a damned good high-risk OB for a complete workup, and start setting aside money just in case this is possible.

I think what you're going through is another loss, just on a larger scale. When you lose a baby, you don't think about having another for awhile, but the knowledge that you can is always there, and it can be a comfort. And you've lost that now. I'm so sorry!

Viv

ETA: Why don't you start a support thread here in the loss forum for those who can't have another baby after a loss? I know of a few cysters who might be able to use the support, too.

CelticSpirit · 08-11-2006, 01:17 AM

Oh sweetie,

I'm so very sorry that you're going through all this. I'm one of those folks who just doesn't give up hope, so I have hope for you to acheive that miracle you desire so very much.

It saddens me to see you feeling so down. I remember when I first came to the boards, you were always one of the funniest, most vibrant people here. Many of your posts really made me laugh or smile. It's so sad now that you've been through so much. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take all your pain away and give you a child that you will carry to term and take home, safe and sound.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine the pain you are in, but know that we are all here for you.

Stacie

BeetleGirl · 08-13-2006, 06:36 PM

Thanks for the support ladies.
Even after your encouraging words I find it very hard to find hope in anything. It's just tough...I don't ovulate(at all), Dh DOES NOT ejaculate(no sperm or anything to go to the non-exsistant egg) My lining will not develop to an even somewhat normal measurement.
Even if by chance my husband magically was able to ejaculate it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't have an egg. We have a few friends that have offered to be surrogates & whatnot but even still you need money...something we no longer have.
We met with a Perintologist this past week to discuss the possibility of what if and were told that since I seem to be a gray case in a black & white world that we should give up. I am a determined, & stubborn women...that is trying to hold on to grasp at anything...but so far no luck.
Thanks again for your words of support & encouragement. Even though I'm not able to relate with some of your posts I do apprciate your thoughts.