What kind of grief therapy are you doing?

GabrielsMom · 02-03-2005, 11:37 AM

I just thought I would start this thread so that we can give each other ideas of how we are coping with grief. I'm having a particularly hard week, and I'm thinking about all the ways in which I am trying to "get healed." This board is, of course, the first place I came, and you all have given me great hope and support. But just this one thing isn't enough, so I started a blog. The great thing about writing a journal like this is that I hope to be able to look back and see how far I've come, especially on the bad days when I feel like I can't get through. Plus, I hope that it will help others in the future.

I'm also going to a support group at the hospital where Gabriel was born. It's every two weeks, but if it was every night, it still wouldn't be enough. I have only gone twice so far, but it's SO helpful to talk to other women who are going through this. In the rest of my life, I am the only one going through this torture, so I feel so alone. In the group, I can hear that I'm not going crazy and that my fears are normal.

I'm thinking about private counseling. Has anyone done that?

psuchick14 · 02-03-2005, 01:22 PM

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss.

I actually did a group grief counseling when my father died and I thought it was an amazing experience. I'm glad you are finding support from other women who truly understand where you are coming from. I'm sure it helps to not feel so alone.

Take Care,
Holly

SheriKCMO · 02-03-2005, 01:23 PM

Adrianne,
The support group I go to, also at a hospital and also every two weeks, has been enormously helpful. I feel like a normal human being there where other people know what I'm talking about. I didn't start going until about five months after our loss... otherwise I would have just sat there and cried, so I was afraid. Whatever the case, it has really helped me a lot. The grief counsellor who runs the group is also available for individual counselling, and I believe it is a community service of that hospital, available for free to anyone who needs her help. There have been days when I really wanted to go but didn't... a couple of times I have called her to chat on the phone or emailed her, and just touching base made me feel better. She herself lost a baby to SIDS, and it has been nearly twenty years for her, so I can trust her when she gives advice.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I've explored enough options for support or help because I am still in pain, but there is absolutely nothing that can take that away. So I think that between this bunch of ladies here, our friends and family who truly care, and my support group, I'm doing all that I possibly can and just need time to get through this. And I need this baby I'm carrying to live!! I swear I don't know what would happen to me, but it wouldn't be good... I'll stop there. I am hoping that love and hope and joy and being a busy new mom to my little honey will be the best therapy, and I wish that for my cysters who want it and are ready. There will always be days, though, when my heart will truly ache, and I will just let it happen as it needs to. What happened to us is not meant to happen; a parent should never bury or cremate a child. Getting through that kind of pain is something that there are no good instructions for. I'm just glad that we have people to talk to when we need to feel less alone.
((HUGS)) and thanks for starting this,
Sheri

GabrielsMom · 02-03-2005, 01:52 PM

Holly, thanks for your note. I was very hesitant about the support group at first, but it's REALLY helping me.

Sheri, you're right that nothing can take away the pain. I'm at the point where I'm seeking everything and anything for help. I'm the type of person that hates to ask other people for help. But I'm learning that this is something that I cannot do alone. It's been sort of an epiphany for me. All the things I thought I would never do are now options that are opening up... like the support group, individual counseling or something different like setting up a memorial for him in my bedroom or on the web. I've been so protective of the pictures of him. But now I feel like I want to show them to the world. I DONT CARE if it makes people feel uncomfortable. He was my son and he was a person too.... a person I don't want people to forget.

And different things will be helpful to different people at different times. I don't want to seem like everyone has to get help in one way or another. I just wanted to hear about the things that help other people, so I can think about my options.

I look forward to spring. That's when there will be a little ceremony at the hospital memorial garden. All the babies' ashes will be spread in the pretty garden. And I think that my whole family will be there and it will be a kind of funeral. I wish I had had one when it first happened, but I didn't know if it would be appropriate or not. And frankly, there was no way I could organize something myself. I didn't even want to talk to anyone.

I'm rambling.. sorry. Thanks for listening. You ladies mean a whole lot to me. And Sheri, I wish you the best of luck. I can't wait to hear about your little one.

airforcewifeynva · 02-03-2005, 03:30 PM

I never went to any kind of grief therapy when we lost Dallas. I feel like I should have. After his funeral, everyone else seemed to get back to their normal lives and I was stuck. I didnt want to get back to normal.

As of now, I am seeing a therapist. She is helping me with alot of issues I deal with now, but she also helps me cope with losing Dallas. She also lost her son the same year I did. I feel I can talk to her about the things I felt and still feel and she understands.

I hope you find the support you seek. Good luck!

VivC · 02-03-2005, 05:19 PM

This has been so incredibly hard on me, especially since DH and I are having MAJOR issues. I have an appointment with a social worker/therapist on Friday the 11th. She specializes in grief, but I also think she'll be able to help me get my mind straight as far as DH goes.

I didn't want to go to the support group at the hospital because they have it in the same chapel where we held Rivi for hours after he died. I just can't go back into that room. I did go to the hospital yesterday for a doctor's appointment, and being there wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I started keeping a journal the day Rivi died. It really helped me a lot, but then I sank into a major depression around Thanksgiving, and I haven't written in it since. I have kept writing poems, though.

The local area support group lady never returned my calls (big help there), so I didn't go that route.

I do think that this whole process would have been made somewhat easier if I had met F2F with other women who've lost little ones. You guys are great, but every now and then you need a real (not virtual) hug.

GabrielsMom · 02-03-2005, 05:45 PM

viv, that is SO true about real life. I wish we could all meet in person. I wish you had a better deal with the support group. You might want to try to find a support group for bereaved parents in general or just a plain grief support group. Just giving you some things to consider. Don't feel that you have to. It stinks that the hospital support group meets IN the hospital. My support group meets in the administrative building, so we don't have to actually go into the hospital. It's a lot easier for everyone that way.

VivC · 02-03-2005, 07:13 PM

I was told that they ALWAYS take parents who've lost babies into the chapel for privacy. So why would that be where they hold the support group? Seems insensitive to me. Weird at the least.

The therapist I'm going to seems nice. She got preauthorization from my insurance company (12 whole visits - wow, then we can reapply - when you get therapy, isn't it usually because you need a LOT of help - like, more than 12 sessions?). I've just got a lot of other stuff going on in addition to Rivi - DH, unresolved things from my childhood and past, etc. So they'd better REALLY reauthorize!

Reebekah · 02-03-2005, 07:44 PM

I found that talking things out with DH helps a lot.
Of course, talking to others on message boards helps.
I read a ton of books on everything from pregnancy complications to pregnancy loss to grief in general, which definately helped.
I also talk to friends and family on a regular basis and tell them how I feel, so everyone always knows where I stand.
I also made several appts. with doctors, and asked them as many questions as I felt I needed to. I didn't always get the answers I was looking for, but at least I asked.

Gnzls924 · 02-04-2005, 12:16 AM

to be honest, i am afraid to go to counseling.

I feel that i am very vulnerable right now and i have this perception that a therapist will put "things" in my head. I don't think i could put my marriage through it at this point.

I've just gotten to the point where i can speak to people outside of my immediate family, and I finally went back to work after 8 weeks...so i think i am progressing little by little.

TACM · 02-04-2005, 03:01 PM

I chose not to go to a support group after I lost my daughters. I thought it would make me too sad to constantly be around parents who have also lost children. I instead saw a grief counselor for about 3 months. She really helped me make it through some very difficult times. My husband went to the first few sessions, and after that I went by myself. I had so much guilt after I lost the girls that she helped me realize it wasn't my fault. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Traci