What not to say .... the list

Tetley · 04-12-2005, 02:16 PM

When I went through counselling last year, my counsellor said she'd been given a list of all the things not to say to anyone who had lost a baby. It had been written by a former patient at the maternity hospital and apparently was so brilliant it was circulated to all staff. So many posts here are about the awful, thoughtless things people have said to us. What would you put on such a list?

Your daughter's death is a really good opportunity for me to promote my funeral company to the hospital to get similar business.

It wasn't meant to be.

It's probably for the best.

You can always try for another ...(you are never asked if you are going to try for another father or uncle.)

Was it something you did?

Oh well, it's not like it was a full term baby.

Children aren't everything.

Don't think about it, you're only upsetting yourself.

It's not the end of the world.

Can you babysit on Friday?

Agster · 04-12-2005, 02:24 PM

"Your time will come"
"Just be happy with the one[s] you have at home"
"Time heals all wounds"
"Just pretend you were never pregnant"
"Why are you burying tissue? Its not like it was a real baby"

The last one was said to my best friend after her son died inutero at 22 weeks. She took him home and buried him next to his grand mother.

GabrielsMom · 04-12-2005, 03:39 PM

"There was probably something wrong with the baby."
"You're young. You have plenty of time to have another."
"Yeah my son just broke up with his girlfriend and he's really depressed too" (DH's boss said this to him on his first day back after our son died.)

stillhavehope · 04-12-2005, 03:48 PM

"At least it was early"
"At least now you know you can get pregnant"
"There's always next time"

thing1 · 04-12-2005, 03:50 PM

"Maybe you weren't really pregnant."

(Said to me after +++Beta's and HPT's by a good friend, in reference to one of my early m/c's .

GabrielsMom · 04-12-2005, 03:51 PM

Oh, I forgot the worst one:

"This could have happened because you had an active weekend."

- My ex-OB about the death of my son.

Sugawallz910 · 04-12-2005, 04:03 PM

Its so amazing how insensitive people can be.

saluki_fan · 04-12-2005, 04:25 PM

"It was God's will".
"Everything happens for a reason."
Sending a condolence card with a picture of your own child in it - NOT a good move.
"The baby knew you didn't want it and so it died." (Yes, actually said to me by my MIL.)
"Something was wrong with it."
"Wouldn't you rather something happen now than when it's born?"

Sugawallz910 · 04-12-2005, 04:27 PM

saluki do you still talk to your MIL?

saluki_fan · 04-12-2005, 04:48 PM

Only when I absolutely have to. DH ripped her a new one for THAT comment, and she cried and apologized. I told her if she ever said anything like that again, she would never see either of us again. She actually physically attacked DH's first wife (I'm his 2nd marriage, although he's my first) and he cut off his entire family for about 3-4 years. When they divorced, he didn't resume contact till I encouraged him to. So she's stuck - she doesn't like me because I don't patronize her, but she knows that without me she wouldn't get to see him at all. I'm just SO glad he's not a mama's boy like his middle brother. Secretly I feel bad for his middle brother's wife.

jojo24 · 04-12-2005, 04:59 PM

"You need to get over it and move on"
"I'm pregnant" (my sister told me on what would have been my due date, after I had told her the week before it was coming up)
"It will happen one day" (will it? and besides I wanted this one and the one before)

((Hugs)) to all.
Jo
xxxxx

OmShantiOm · 04-12-2005, 05:13 PM

"I know exactly how you feel". I don't care what the subject matter is - you don't know exactly how I feel. We are two different people and nothing happens exactly the same.

To me it's as if someone is saying - been there, done that. And, they "win" because they've already been through it. I find that comment just so damn rude.

ReneeBeth · 04-12-2005, 06:10 PM

I know this isn't normal, but I HATED people always asking me "How are you doing?" ALL THE TIME! How the hell do you think I'm doing? I just held my son as he was dying, and I had to bury him. How would YOU be doing after that?
Oh, and my hubby's cousin was so nice..she said
"God just didn't want you to have a baby. Be grateful you didn't go all the way and then find out it was a mistake".
I also heard all the typical crap about trying again, wasn't meant to be, blah blah. People deserve to be kicked for the stupid things they can sometimes say. Even now, people tell me I shouldn't have gotten pregnant again, or why am I doing this to myself again. First off, I wasn't trying, 2nd off, I'm thankful I am pregnant again because obviously it was just meant to be, no matter what the outcome this time.
Some people treate us as if we asked for this. Or as if we're some special form of people who are magically able and willing to handle this kind of greif. We're only human, and those idiots who say stupid things wouldn't like this to happen to them, so why not be a little nicer to us?

Sorry, I'm pissy...I'll go now

saluki_fan · 04-12-2005, 06:54 PM

Oh, I just thought of one more thing, said to me by the same idiot who sent me the condolence card with pictures of her own child in it (DH's cousin). "It's a good thing this didn't happen to us, because I never could have handled it." What a fool.

OmShantiOm · 04-12-2005, 08:02 PM

Oh, made me think of another one. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." So, if I weren't so strong, this wouldn't have happened? And, I do believe people end up with more than they can handle. People have break downs, commit suicide, etc.