What a rollercoaster ride!

DebM · 12-24-2003, 03:22 PM

Hi Ladies - I've been browsing the site for some time now and have gained a lot of courage and strength from "listening" to you ladies. It's been a long hard road for me and DH and I just wanted to let everyone know where we are at with the adoption process and to see if anyone has any suggestions, insight, etc as to how to best get through this.

In early October we were matched with a BM. She's a sweetheart - but very shy and it took her a while to get to a doctor for prenatal care. She was 6 1/2 month pregnant when we first talked with her and now she is due at any time - around 1/11/04. At the time we learned that she had smoked marijuana for a while on a regular basis up until that point and also smokes anywhere from a 1/2 pack to 2 packs a day. We were really nervous about this and have since lined up a pediatrician and OB/GYN to consult with. The U/S she recently had showed that she is proceeding along great and we learned that it's a baby girl!!!! We were so excited and beside ourselves. After 3 1/2 years of infertility and starting the adoption process in August we thought, wow - this really might happen! It was learned that the BF had been an avid drug user but insists that he quit a couple years ago - hard to believe but I have no evidence showing anything contrary to that. The thing is - after the BM went for her FIRST prenatal visit at 8 months pg, they learned that the BM has neurofibromatosis - it's a skin disorder. It appears that she has a very benign case but the doctor's are telling us that if the baby has it (it's a 50-50 chance the gene will be passed on) it won't actually begin to show until the child is 1 year of age and it could show as anywhere from mild to very severe. Due to this, my DH and I are arranging for genetic testing for both the BM and the baby so that we can all be certain what strain of this they each have (if the baby has it at all...). However, because we won't see the full effect of it initially my DH is very reluctant to go through with the case if the baby tests positive for the gene. His greatest fear is having a baby that is dreadfully sick - especially after 4 miscarraiges and years of infertility. I totally understand where he's coming from but I'm struggling with this a bit more. I think that if the baby has a lesser strain (which could be nothing more than a couple birthmarks!) that I might want to parent this baby and love it to pieces! But I know given all of our struggles it's hard to know what the right thing to do is....I know this is long so my questions are:
1) Does anyone have any experience with this illness?
2) We've agreed to put the baby in neutral foster care for 4-6 weeks (although this kills me!) after the baby is born so the testing can be confirmed - if the baby tests negative we'll be on a plane to pick up our baby girl! If it's positive, we will be heartbroken. Does anyone have any thoughts around the bonding process and if 4-6 weeks could hurt the baby from bonding with us? How do I deal with this if the baby tests positive?!
3) I feel so guilty - like it's an ethical dilemma. I know the reasoning that if the baby was born to us we'd love it no matter what and accept it unconditionally. But as my DH says, "we have very little control over anything that's happened to us. The one great thing about the adoption process is that we do have a choice and therefore we shouldn't feel guilty but blessed that we're given the opportunity to decide whether or not the baby is meant to be with us or not. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this guilt? I so want this baby to be healthy and for us to make this baby girl our daughter but here we are just a couple weeks from the baby being born and we feel no closer to it than we did before. We even have to wait up to 6 weeks to find out the health of the baby. How do I get through this?!!!

Sorry for it being so long. I spent my 33rd birthday crying like I have for the past 3 birthdays over the fear that my dream of becoming a mom may never happen. Every time I get close, it seems like I find another loop in the rollercoaster that I need to get over. Any words of advice and encouragement are much appreciated.

Happy Holidays to all of you!

Deb

tke100 · 12-24-2003, 03:47 PM

Hi Deb,

Wow, that is a roller coaster. I can understand that you are in emotional turmoil at this time.

Let me tell you, we were matched with a birthmother earlier this year. We were very excited and looking forward to moving forward. After her intial meeting at 4 months with an obgyn she told the doctor more extensive medical history that she initially told the attorney. Her sister, and uncle and a grandparent all were mentally retarded. She also had other problems througout her family including possible luekemia. Anyway, we were shocked to learn all this and wanted her to take an amneio and she refused. We thought long and hard but we ended walking away from the situation. it was hard and believe me I felt very guilty far a while.

But when things are meant to be they will be. We had another match fall apart and then on 11/07 of this year our son Sam was born and we brought him on 11/12. We are so happy and things worked because he was the child we were supposed to have.

So do what is right for you and yours. I truly believe things happen for a very specific reason. If she is meant to be yours than she will be, . . . if not there is a baby out there for you. I truly believe this.

I hoped I helped in some small way. Good luck, if you need to talk just email me at tke100@aol.com.

Tricia