what's with the hubbys lately?

beccy-bec · 12-28-2005, 12:52 AM

It seems that the holidays have brought out the worst in them.

My partner and i lost our baby 3 weeks ago at 5 weeks. 2 days after our loss by partner went out and spent his whole paycheck and left me to pay all the bills myself and then proceeded to inform me that he spent all but $30 on my christmas presents and that going and shopping for me was an attempt to make himself feel better, ok, so I let it go, he said that he had got 2 things something I pointed out in a mailout and the other was a big surprise. Anyway in the past the final week leading up to xmas, my partner every year but 1 has done the annual "I'm going to get drunk with my buddies then come home and tell you all the things that you've screwed up during the year until you feel so bad you can't stand it". this year he promised me that this was not going to happen, but it did and I was called the selfish person that only thought of myself when i was in the hospital having my miscarriage and that i shouldn't have been thinking of myself even though i was getting pried apart with a speculim by a dr and told that it was all bad news and accused of not even giving my parner a hug, even though I did. and to top it all off he asked me what i was so upset about because it wasn't even as if our baby was a real person so what am i being all pathetic and crying all the time and asking for a hug because i just need to get over it. I couldn't beleive the things that came out of his mouth, now I'm too afraid to get upset or share my feeling with him for fear of being ridiculed for it. Anyway 2 days later was xmas morning, my big xmas suprise that he spent "nearly his whole pay" on, a 1.5 litre of wine (which by the way did not cost nearly his whole pay, turns out he gambled the rest of his pay or brought alcohol for his friends), i tried to smile and say thank you but the couldn't control the tears that started streaming down my face, unable to comprehend why he would go out 2 days after we lost our baby and buy me wine for xmas, when he knows that i would give anything, absolutely anything to still be pregnant and not be able to drink. I feel so ungrateful, I know i should be thankful he got me a gift but I just felt that getting wine rubbed it in that I'm not pregnant anymore so i can drink again. I feel so bad and so ungrateful but it's brought all the feelings back to the surface and my partner just ignores everything i say about it. ok rant over, thanks for listening ladies.

Rebekah

camarofanatic90 · 12-28-2005, 12:58 AM

I am sorry about that. I know how i would feel and I would be that the wine was saying here you go drink away the pain!! I think that you are a great person to be dealing with him and your loss. You are not a selfish person.

naomid · 12-28-2005, 01:14 AM

I just wanted to say you are in NO WAY selfish. You have the right to expect more from your partner. I am sorry to say it sounds like he is the selfish unresponsible one. Maybe he bought the wine because it was something he wanted.

SheriKCMO · 12-28-2005, 02:03 AM

sweetie, i'm sorry about his terrible behavior! it really sounds like he needs to grow up and be the man in your life rather than drag you down. best wishes for a much better 2006!

Rebecca's Mom · 12-28-2005, 06:07 AM

I Am So Sorry, For Your Loss And Your Looser, You Really Deal With Him Getting Drunk And Bleaming A Horrible Year On You....i Am Sos Sorry, You Are A Great Person, Not Selfish And You Need His Support And Love And Tenderness, He Also Should Need Yours You Have To Grieve Together....or You Will Seperate.....praying For You, And Hoping Your Partner And Mine And Every Man Around Grows Up,.....

Gnzls924 · 12-28-2005, 07:00 AM

Rebekah, please know that you are not a selfish person. I believe he is the one who is selfish. Some people just don't understand what it is to lose a child. All the hopes and dreams that just come naturally the moment you find out your pregnant....they just don't understand. And to say that your baby was not really a person is heartless. The gift of wine was no gift...again, heartless. I am just so sorry you have to go through all of this especially now. You are a good person and you take the time you need to grieve your loss. Your partner is in the wrong with this one.

nikkisix · 12-28-2005, 07:41 PM

I'm really sorry - having a miscarrage is hard enough to deal with as it is, let alone dh being a jerk on top of it all. IMO- when he comes home drunk and starts in on you with the guilt trip - I would get up and walk out. There is no reason on the planet to sit there and take that from ANYONE, let alone your partner. Do you have family/friends close by that you could stay with?

You know, my dh was not at all what I expected him to be when I had my m/c, and I know how hard it is. Mine also said all I can think about is myself -I swear I have absolutely no clue what goes on inside their heads when they come out with this crap.

How are you feeling today?

VivC · 12-28-2005, 08:08 PM

((Beccy)). I'm sorry he's an @ss. I do agree that the holidays can magnify grief...but it sounds like he was an idiot before you lost the baby, if he comes home every year ragging on you.

Are you getting support anywhere else? Do you have family or friends nearby? If not, can you see a therapist? That really helped me with my grief. And, maybe, s/he'll have some coping techniques to help you deal with Mr. Obnoxious.

You deserve SO much better.

Viv

beccy-bec · 12-29-2005, 04:14 AM

I do feel a lot better today, I'm just wishing 2005 would just hurry up and end, it's been the worst year ever for me.
But, new year new start, and 2006 has just got to be better than this year. I just wish my DH would just get real and start acting like a responsible human being rather than a boy, it's hard to beleive that only six months ago we were going to couples therapy and he's fully aware of how his behaviour affects our relationship but he chooses to continue, I'm at a loss at what to do now, I feel like I've tried everything. I was hoping to start trying again after AF show it's face but I'm starting to feel doubtful becuase DH just won't settle down and make an effort to make this work.
I'm actually seeing a therapist at the moment and she has suggested I bring him along one session just to talk things through, I turned it down at the time she offered because I was pregnant and thought it might inspire him to settle a bit, but now I'm thinking it might be a good idea.
other than DH I only really have my mum to talk to and sometimes I find it hard to talk to her as sometimes she just doesn't get it. Earlier this year there was a misunderstanding between myself and my best friend, and even now I still don't know what that is so I can't fix it and she just refuses to speak to me and I just don't know why, she was my greatest support person I had in my life so now I find myself venting on message boards instead LOL But You're all a lovely bunch of ladies and I'm ever so greatful for your support and understanding.

Have a great day everyone

Rebecca's Mom · 12-29-2005, 04:21 AM

Well He Knows Your Not Going To Do Anything, One Thing I Have Realized Is We Can't Change Them So We Either Except Them Or Move On.....