What should I do now?

Pandora1151 · 01-09-2007, 07:00 PM

Hi,

Soulcysters has become a lifeline for me in many ways. This issue doesn't apply to pcos, it has to do with my son. I found out he was gay when I was snooping around his myspace account. A few years ago, his sister told me that he was talking and hanging out with a gay boy who was known for trying to turn straight boys gay. I freaked out and isolated him, made him go to counseling, etc. because I thought he was being brainwashed. I told him if he was really gay, I would accept it but I wanted him to make the decision himself, not do it because it's popular at his school (there are lots of gay kids at his school and they have a club). He eventually told me that he stopped talking to the boy and he wasn't gay after all, he was just going through a "phase" where he was questioning his sexuality. I chose to believe him but I was uncomfortable that he might be lying to me. Then I let it go. I asked him periodically if he was still sure he wasn't gay and he always reassured me he wasn't. I did not expect to find stuff about being gay on his website. I guess I am naive. I've been looking at information on this today and I realize how ignorant some of this sounds.

Anyway, what I did was I sat him down and I asked him how he was feeling about trying to live a lie for the last couple years. He looked very uncomfortable so I told him that I found out he was still thinking about being gay. He let out a deep sigh and said yes. I asked him if it was still "questioning" or if it was for sure. He said it was for sure. I told him that he was a wonderful person and that I was extremely proud of him for various reasons and that nothing would change that even though this lifestyle is not what I would choose for him. He seemed very relieved and he seems more comfortable around me now. This was a couple months ago. He hasn't spoken to me about it since though and I'm itching to ask him questions and talk more, but I don't want him to think I'm trying to change him. I'm somewhat ashamed of myself for the way I acted a few years ago. Any advice?

rainbow85 · 01-11-2007, 06:48 AM

First of all, know that no one can "turn" someone gay. It's something that you either are, or aren't. Going to a school with a bunch of gay people and a club won't make someone gay. I think perhaps he hung out with other gay kids because he identified with them.

But, I am happy that you love and accept him. It was good that you approached him about it and let him know that you still love him. My mom never talks to me about me being gay, and it is very very uncomfortable in my house. I think if you have questions, you should just talk to him. I wish my mother would sit me down and talk to me or ask me questions. If you don't want him to think you are trying to change him, tell him that. Tell him "I love you and I am curious about your life. I'm not questioning you or trying to change you, I just want to know you better."

Remember, he wouldn't choose this lifestyle for himself either...it's just who he is.

Thanks for being a loving, interested, concerned mother.

Pandora1151 · 01-12-2007, 01:09 PM

Thanks. I tried talking to him about it last night. Basically, I didn't ask him about being gay specifically. I just asked him if he had a crush on this boy he's been hanging out with a lot (it's the boy he was talking about having a crush on his myspace page). The boy is an exchange student and is going home on Monday so my son has been scrambling to spend time with him and other friends a lot lately. He told me no he didn't, they were just friends. Then I said I wasn't trying to say anything bad about it, I was just curious because the boy was going back to Brazil and I wondered how sad he would be feeling because it's different with someone you "like" than with someone who is just a friend. He just seemed a little defensive when I asked him but he said, "I know Mom" and told me it wasn't like that. So I asked if he liked anyone else and he said no, not right now. Then I didn't know what else to say. I felt wierd asking about him having a crush on a boy, but I just told myself I have to get used to it if I want him to talk to me about these things, just like he was dating girls. I don't want him to shut me out but he is 17 and maybe he just feels like it's none of my business, especially after how I freaked out when he was 15.

I probably seem very stereotypical for a parent finding this out. I hope I am not offending anyone on this board...I read that there are stages to parents accepting this. I think I'm coming to the end of the guilt stage. For the month I've been finding ways to blame myself for his being this way. He grew up without his father around and I was a teen mom who had never had any brothers so no male rold model. I have been following the stages I've read that parents go through like a textbook. My biggest issue with it is my religion...Luckily, I feel like I have a pretty flexible relationship with God but I've been exposed to a lot of Catholics and Pentecostals and really nothing in between because in between I claimed atheism (which is another thing to analyze and blame myself for).

When I read that stuff on his website, I sat down and prayed, "God, if being gay means my son is going to hell or if I have to alienate him or reject him in order to do the "right" thing, I would rather go to hell than do that or believe that. My son is a beautiful, gentle and loving soul, moreso than anyone I know and I don't want to worship a God who would reject him based on who he is attracted to." It seemed like instantly a voice in my head said, "I already did that for you. I love him and I love you." I don't know where that came from, because it sprang out of nowhere but I felt like it was Jesus. The more I look into it, the more I think the whole God vs. Gay thing is a load of crap. I mean, since I've believed in God, I've always believed that God does not hate gay people and I've always taught my children that God loved everyone but I wasn't sure if being gay was really a sin or not and even if it is a sin, God forgave all our sins when Jesus died on the cross...The only reason I analyzed this when I started believing in God again was because I worked with a lot of gay people and one of them was my best friend and he was also a wonderful person. I couldn't imagine God rejecting him from heaven because he was gay and my kids had questions about him whenever he came over, etc. so that was how I explained it.

Still, that was different than finding out my son was gay. I felt like I had to re-examine the issue and find out if the preacher's claims that it was a choice/addiction/demon bondage type thing had any validation. I've come to the conclusion that it's a load of crap being preached by bigots in the pulpit. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm moving away from guilt and into acceptance, but with acceptance I feel like I'm scared of interacting with him openly about it because I'm scared I will say the wrong thing to alienate him. When I had "the talk" with him a couple months ago, I told him I was sorry for the way I acted last time, I was feeling protective. But I told him that I never wanted him to feel like he had to pretend to be somebody he wasn't around me or anyone else because I love him and accept him exactly as he is. We talked about God and he told me that he had been trying to like girls and praying to God to help him change this for years and it hasn't changed so he figures if God doesn't want him to be this way, God will change him but in the meantime, he has to accept it and I should too. It just breaks my heart to know that he has been pleading with God to change him and trying to be something he's not for so long. I was also proud of him for coming to that conclusion. I taught him that line of thinking at a young age - that if you try to change something about yourself and can't, pray to God to change it. If God doesn't change it, accept it until/unless God changes it because God knows everything, even the perfect timing of when to change something. Kind of like the serenity prayer. I was talking about bad habits, like nail biting, but still...

He is such an amazing child/person I can't even tell you. I told him I could never be ashamed of him just because he was gay. Sorry this is so long and rambling. If you got this far, thanks for listening.

LookingForHope16 · 01-20-2007, 05:35 AM

Personally, I don't think that any gay person is going to hell. That is just my take on it because God doesn't hate people. He loves everyone.

I think that I would just be here for him and try the best to love and support whatever decision he makes in life. If you would like to there is a website (pflag.org) and there are lots of things there about children coming out to their parents. It's PFLAG ( Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays!).

*hugs* I know this has to be tough to go through mama!

Pandora1151 · 01-23-2007, 11:59 AM

Thank you. I am dealing with it a little better now. I am going to look at the website. He hasn't come out to anyone else in the family and it was kind of stressful because I didn't have anyone else to talk to about it really who knew my son. At first, I kind of felt like he was a stranger to me all of a sudden and that was the hardest part. Lately, I've been spending more time with him because he's not constantly trying to find a way to get out of the house and be gone all day. Perhaps because he knows I still accept him? I don't know, but I'm grateful for the extra time with him. He's still the same boy I know and love. Thanks for your advice and encouragement. You ladies are so great!

Jane_smith · 01-24-2007, 05:35 PM

I think the way you have handled this is quite commendable. Many parents who are religious people would freak out and alienate the child and possibly even disown them. All you can do is keep trying. It sounds like you guys are on the right track. I can't imagine that I would have done anything differently than you have in the past few weeks...

Pandora1151 · 01-24-2007, 06:38 PM

Thank you so much Jane. It feels good to have people tell me that I am on the right track. I could never reject or disown my son for any reason whatsoever. I love him way too much and he is such a good boy/almost man.

LookingForHope16 · 01-25-2007, 05:59 AM

I had a question -- does he know that you've been looking at his myspace?

Pandora1151 · 01-25-2007, 11:41 AM

whoops

Pandora1151 · 01-25-2007, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LookingForHope16

I had a question -- does he know that you've been looking at his myspace?

Yes, he knows now. He has since blocked me from looking at it. He wasn't mad when I told him I looked at it because he knows I am a nosy Mom. I've always periodically investigated my children's activities and whereabouts.

My daughter got into tons and tons of trouble last summer/fall because of hanging out with the wrong crowd (we have since got that under control). I wasn't looking at his myspace to try to "catch" him at anything but I was in investigation mode. At the time, I looked because I was looking at hers and she was accusing me of a double standard where he was concerned. I wasn't all over him the way I was her because he wasn't in trouble all the time the way she was. I still figured I should look at it just to be informed because I hardly ever saw him at that time and I thought it would be a good idea to at least know what he had been up to. When he blocked me, I teased him a little but I didn't make him un-block me because he is 17 and I'm really trying to coach him into adulthood.

LookingForHope16 · 01-27-2007, 05:02 AM

I can understand. Just wondering.

How are things now?

drchickon · 01-29-2007, 02:25 AM

Pandora - I wish I had picked up this thread sooner, but I am really impressed with how well you have come to handle this. I think it is great that you let you son know that you accept him and if you have questions, there are many resources online and in the community you can turn to. I would guess that your son probably felt rejected initially, but your change of heart and sould searching has helped you be an amazing mother to him. And it is probably going to take him a little time to really believe that you are accepting (I mean, he is 17, and I didn't trust my parents 100% at age 17). Also, I'm thinking that might be why he doesn't necessarily open up to you so much - gay or not - he's a 17 year old boy. And not that I have a ton of experience with 17 year old boys, but I am guessing that is an age of independence and not telling your parents everything.

I agree that you should continue to talk to him openly and when you have questions, ask. But don't be offended if he rolls his eyes - he's 17, ya know? I also think you might benefit from a community organization which you may or may not have heard of. It's called PFLAG - Parents, Friends/Families of Lesbians and Gays. You will meet other parents there who have a lot of the same questions as you and you will meet parents who are farther along in the process of acceptance than you. And you will also meet gay people who are ready to answer your questions - ones that your son might not be ready to answer or might not be comfortable answering. And you might find that your soul searching and self discovery can be of as much help to another struggling parent as someone else's experience can be to you. And, you will likely meet people there who can help you learn to help your son through his struggle.

Anyway, I have probably gone on for too long. I truly commend you for taking the steps to let your son know he is loved and accepted. And I really think PFLAG would be a good local resource for you. Your son is lucky to have a mom who isn't afraid to show him unconditional love and seek outside counsel from people to deal with any of her own issues/struggles with the situation.

We need more moms like you in the world!

saiph · 02-14-2007, 05:18 PM

Hi, Pandora. I don't have much to say that others haven't already said, but I just want to post to let you know my story and lend additional support.

I first suspected I was gay when I was 11 and came out to my parents when I was 20. My dad was always supportive, but my mom seriously freaked out - accused me of joining a cult, etc. I remember just feeling numb. She has since come around, however, and now she is very supportive, even a little too supportive - outing me to people I probably wouldn't tell.

I hardly even remember her being not supportive because her more recent actions have erased her first reaction. I found out too late that some of the things she was struggling with I could have easily reassured her about if she had only told me. For instance, she thought I would never have kids, which is absolutely not true. I think it also helped her to realize that a lot of people you might think would be disapproving aren't. In the 8 yrs since I came out to my parents my entire extended family (who is very religious and unerringly republican) has been told (I left it up to my parents to decide when to tell them). There is not a single person who is not completely supportive of me and very accepting of my partner. We are even planning a wedding this year - something I never thought would be available to me. I can tell you that having the support of my family and especially my parents has made all the difference in the world to me.

I applaud you taking steps to be more supportive of your son, and encourage you to ask him questions when you have them, but if he isn't ready to answer, give him time. 17 is young - I distinctly remember not wanting to talk to my parents about anything at that point, even though I had a boyfriend then. You may want to consider telling him about how you feel about the actions you took when you were 15. Honesty is almost never wrong. As others have said, PFLAG can be a great source of information and support. It's similar to this website in a way. It's great to know there are other people out there in the same situation as you and you can talk to them about how they handled certain situations, etc.

Good luck. It will probably take effort, but I'm sure you can work things out with your son.

Pandora1151 · 02-15-2007, 11:16 AM

Thank you for sharing your stories ladies. I too, was worried about not having grandchildren. I'm positive my daughter is not gay, but both of my kids tell me they don't want to have children, lol. I remember saying that when I was a teen too (til I actually got pregnant). I talked to my son about it and told him to keep an open mind because when he got older, there are other options available to him. I told him that someday when he is much older, I would like to be a grandma! He just laughed. I have always been very open about my experiences and mistakes with them. They know me very well as a person, not just their mother.

I am comfortable with him being gay now. He recently got sick and then got better really fast. He asked me if I thought it might be stress related and I asked him if he felt stressed out. He said he did before, but everything has worked itself out now so it's over and he's not stressed anymore. I asked if it had to do with me or school and he told me it was a situation he didn't want to talk about. I told him he could talk to me about it and I asked him questions like, does it have to do w/romance or sex? He said it sort of had to do with romance, but not exactly. I tried to press him for more details, but he wouldn't tell me. He said it's over now and he doesn't want to talk about it. So I didn't get offended, but the curiosity was killing me!!

Anyway, he is really transforming into a man during his senior year right before my eyes! It's so neat to watch. I worry about people being mean to him. I want to protect him, but lately when he has an issue he tells me to let him handle it and if he runs into a road block, he'll let me know so I can handle it. He reminded me that I've been teaching him to advocate for himself since middle school and just because I am feeling sad about him growing up doesn't mean I can start treating him like a child again. I agreed with him and I told him that sadness isn't the only feeling I have. I also feel extreme happiness and pride for the way he has turned out. Last night, I told him that he is turning into a man right before my eyes and it makes me so proud.

He is preparing for college and involved in many activities. We've been struggling w/his ADD this year due to all the activities he is constantly involved in and I told him a few months ago that he needs to either consider going back on meds for ADD or go back to the books and notes we took on the subject when he was in middle school and really start applying those techniques. So, he has been making lists of things that need to be accomplished to be ready for college, etc. and now he is right on track. He was telling me how full his life is now and I was like, "welcome to adulthood!" He said he wished he knew adulthood had this many responsibilities because he would have made sure to savor every moment of his childhood. We had a good laugh. He talks to me about a lot. I'm lucky in that regard so if he wants to keep some things to himself, I can deal with it. I just don't want him to feel like he CAN'T talk to me about them if he chooses to because I've always been available to talk to both of my kids their whole lives and I was just concerned that my initial reaction when he was 15 had caused a rift between us that I was unaware of until I found out he had lied to me about not being gay and covered it up for 2 years. But he told me that he knows I only acted that way because I was being protective of him and he forgives me. It just makes me feel horrible.

Pandora1151 · 02-15-2007, 11:30 AM

Saiph,

I just wanted to tell you thanks for telling me about how you barely remember your mom not being supportive because of the way she acts now. It makes me feel better. I also wanted to say thanks for sharing how your extended family reacted. The only person I've told in my family is my grandma (she's my best friend in the family). I have a lot of religious people in my family that I'm worried are going to make an effort to "save" him from hell, you know what I mean? I love these people, but I will not allow them to do that to my son and I'm afraid it will cause a rift in the family that I have left. There are a few rifts already that have me basically cut off from a good portion of my family. There are child molestors and alcoholics in my family and when I "outed" THEM, there was an uproar and an outcry against me, even from the ones who weren't accused.