What should I do now? - Page 2

georgy · 02-15-2007, 11:33 AM

Geez, you're really dealing with this well - for me it wouldn't be a situation, we're all equal and sexuality isn't an issue, end of story. But you obviously have conflicting feelings because of religion and thats rough. Considering that religion is meant to be about love , acceptance and forgiveness, it doesn't seem to work all that well when you need to deal with real life.
You seem to be taking the right advice from the choices you have, and I hope you keep acting on it. Listen to the Cysters on this section - they know what they're talking about!

I don't blame you for looking on his MySpace but I suppose you know already now, that when snooping you sometimes find things that might shock or hurt you. We all deserve privacy, so now that you know what you do, you need to step back and just make yourself open and available to him for when he needs you.

I hope your son gets through his awkward stage and blossoms with his sexuality - he needs to accept and love himself as he is and with your support and understanding he can do it successfully. Well done.

Pandora1151 · 02-15-2007, 11:49 AM

Thank you georgy. I really feel personally at peace with God on this issue now. I have done a lot of praying about my children since I came to believe in God in 1998, so when I prayed about this God really gave me peace about it this time around. Last time, I wasn't so sure he was actually gay as opposed to being "influenced" by other people, but I have come to realize that I was wrong to assume that and that it is something parents commonly do as their first reaction (thanks to PFLAG). Knowing that helps me forgive myself for it, but it still hurts, ya know? When he was 15, I found out because my daughter overheard some conversations he had on the phone and she was confused so she came to talk to me about it. If he had told me instead of me "finding out" I think I may have reacted a lot better. But what she heard in those conversations and what she told me of the kids she knew he was hanging out with (who I had never met) is mostly what made me feel like he was just trying to fit in and not really gay. Now I realize that he was probably drawn to them because of the confusing feelings he was having, not that they tried to make him be gay. It seems ridiculous to me when I look back on it, but at the time I was scared. I had/have a couple gay friends, who are my favorite friends in a lot of ways, but I wouldn't even talk to them about it back then because I didn't believe my son was really gay. When I saw his myspace page (which I don't look at or try to anymore, I also don't snoop in his room anymore) I WAS shocked and I was hurt. Not hurt that he was lying to me about it because I understand why he was lying. I was hurt by the fact that I had caused him to feel like he HAD to lie to me about it.

georgy · 02-15-2007, 11:58 AM

you're doing great by the sounds of it. I know that this site and that other one you mention are a great help to people like yourself...have you checked out Ellen Degeneres book?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Ellen-M...e=UTF8&s=books

I'm such a fan of Ellen and her mum seems like a great character. She does a lot of work for/with parents of newly out children of all ages.

Pandora1151 · 02-15-2007, 12:07 PM

No, I haven't checked out her book. I didn't know she did that kind of work. I remember the media circus when she came out though. I am definitely going to check into her work on this topic. Thanks!

georgy · 02-15-2007, 01:15 PM

sorry, I should've said ellen degeneres' mums' book. I also have the Ellen Degeneres biography and its good. Not exciting but informative and quite interesting.

madmaddie · 03-10-2007, 07:31 PM

hiya i'm new here and so have only just read this thread. well i thought i'd tell you a bit of my story and say that i wish i had a mum like you.
i never knew my father and my mothers husband and i never got on, i was brought up a strict catholic, and went to a catholic school, when i started to realise i was gay i thought the only life i could have was to join a convent as i knew that gays were damned. eventually at the age of sixteen i found someone who also was catholic and gay and we got together but the pressure of keeping everything secret was so stressful and we eventually broke up, now i knew i could not even join the convent as i had sinned against god. my mother found out when i was 25 and told me she hated me and all ppl like me and refused to talk to me ever again, she died ten weeks later, i lost most of my friends and most of my family. the grandmother who had brought me up knew about my gf but had been kind and accepting but had died when i was 24, i will always remember her kindness to me, when i found the fantastic woman i am married to at the age of twenty-nine i was living with my sister, she made me chose between her and my now wife, i had to leave behind my pony, my nephew, my new friends, my jobs , my home and i moved in to my wife's flat with no more than the clothes i stood in and a change of underwear. but now i am the happiest i have ever been in my whole life, we have been together for two and a hlf years and for the first time i have had time and space to come to terms with my life, i now believe that god would never be as uncaring as to damn anyone on such a truly trivial matter as to who they love for isn't he supposed to be a god of love. i regret that i had to lose so much to be me and would have been so happy if just a few ppl could have accepted me for who i am because if any of them truly loved me they would have seen how happy i am now.

i am so glad that there are mothers like you out there who can understand that gay is not a choice it just is part of who you are, it doesn't rule the whole of your life and it doesn't change who you are as a person, keep talking to your son and telling him you love him cos that is the most important thing, at 17 he might just seem to shrug and all that but it does go in .
of all my relatives the only one that i have any real fondness in my heart, apart from my two little nephews is my gran cos she was the only one who accepted that i was still me, i am sure it will be the same with your son he will remember that you accepted him and not the time before. any way good luck for the future .

Pandora1151 · 03-22-2007, 11:08 AM

Hi,

I read your post awhile ago. I've been trying to think of how to say what I want to say. I'm going to give it my best shot. I can't imagine how miserable your mother must have been to turn you away like that. I would rather die than lose my children. I don't know if she knew she was dying when she turned you away or not. If she did, perhaps she thought that would help get her (and you) into heaven. I grew up Catholic too, although not strictly. It seems like many Catholics can't quite grasp the meaning of God's grace. At the church I went to as a kid, they were always talking about "earning" your way into heaven and doing things to help your relatives earn their way out of purgatory and into heaven. I believe that one's faith is what opens the gates of heaven. She may have thought she was doing it for your own good, in that you would repent because it was her dying wish. I know for a fact that she didn't hate you, honey. A mother can not raise a child into adulthood, loving them the whole way, and then suddenly hate that child because they don't agree with her lifestyle. I think she was afraid for your soul and she didn't know what to do so she took drastic measures. If she didn't know she was going to die, it still makes sense because she may have thought she had time to try something else if that didn't work. Your sister may feel the same way, or she may be afraid that her children will think it's okay to be gay and end up going to hell. Either way, I think your family is reacting out of fear, not hatred. Not that it makes it okay. But I just wanted to tell you that your mom loves you. I know it with all my heart. Grandmas are great, aren't they? My grandma is still alive and she is my best friend too. I can tell her anything and she loves me no matter what. I told her about my son. She wasn't thrilled, but she doesn't reject him because of it. She is just worried about people committing hate crimes against him. I am too, but that is the society we live in. I think old people are more accepting because they are wiser than everyone else. They've been around so long, they've seen it all. My grandma says she is proud of my son for all his accomplishments and there are way worse ways that he could have turned out besides being gay. She knows. She's seen a lot more than I have in this world. I happen to agree with her. I think if your mom had time to absorb it and to see how happy you have become, she would have adjusted her way of thinking. She would have looked up information and asked questions too. Right now, she is probably in heaven, hoping you will realize how much she truly loved you. She will tell you when she sees you again. Have faith.

madmaddie · 03-23-2007, 06:15 PM

hiya, i have just read your reply and i am so happy that out there is a really loving and supportive mother because you sound so wonderful.
i was brought up until the age of 11 by my grandmother because my mothers answer to having a baby was "take it away" and i was lucky that my grandmother decided to stop me from being taken into care but as my grandmother got older it became more and more difficult for her to look after me and so at the age of 11 i moved out and looked after myself, i have lived on boats, under bridges, in caravans, in tents, in boxes and in polytunnels and sheds, most of which my mother was aware of before she died, i am still resentful for the years of my life that i lost in this way, i know that i was born as the produce of one nights drunken affair and i think that she never forgave me for being a reminder of her sin, but i find that refusing your own is a disturbing way of earning your way into heaven, i know among the catholics that i grew up with earning attonement and the confession of sins seemed to rule life . i think that my being gay just made her believe that i truly was "spawn of the devil" which was her pet name for me, i agree that my sister is just afraid that i will somehow taint her sons but i know this is not true and i miss them so much , i also know that others around her have had a lot to say about my 'choice' of lifestyle so i don't really blame her i am just sad about it all.
i really am so thankful to read your posts because it reminds me that some mothers are trully amazing and wonderful people, and i hope you really know that you are one of them. i hope everything is going well with your son, i have had a few hate attacks in my time and honestly once you get over them it just makes you stronger and with time you learn how to carry yourself so that you do not become a victim again. it's all a learning process but it gets easier the more you know . life is long enough to forget the past.......i hope.

Pandora1151 · 03-26-2007, 11:27 AM

My goodness! Honey, you deserve whatever happiness you can find. I'm glad you had your grandma. It's too bad that you lost your teenage years the way you did. I had it kind of rough, but not like you. I brought a lot of my problems on myself back then. You couldn't help the circumstances you were brought into. My own mom frequently turned her back on me. She also would leave me with my grandma or my dad most of the time. She was only 15 when she almost died in childbirth with me and she never got over it. She married my dad at 15 and he was a pothead who never wanted to work. She blamed me for all her problems. I rebelled and had a baby and ended up on the streets by 17. I lost my son to foster care because I got involved with some scum. That was when I realized how I did not want to turn out like my mom and have my son feel the same way toward me that I felt about her. I took a lot of counseling and education. I got him back quickly. I am still poor because I've been a single mom since I was 16, but I look at it differently than my mom (or your mom) did. My children are blessings and treasures all by themselves, so I will always be rich no matter what, as long as they are alive. I guess I was more under the impression that you grew up in a stable, strict, catholic home and I know several religious people who can't communicate with their children or relatives in a loving manner because they are too worried about what the church will think of them. My son is doing very well right now. He still won't talk to me about anything relating to being gay but if I bring it up, he doesn't get upset. He just keeps his answers very short. I figure he knows I'm here if he wants to talk about it and if not, that is his choice. I'm sad that he is going to be moving into the dorms soon, but I'm kind of happy and proud, like "look what I did!" I mean, he is the one who is graduating, but I'm proud that I raised such a wonderful man.

deschatsrouge · 04-23-2007, 04:52 PM

Hey Pandora,

I game out in a similar situation as your son. I think you are going about this in the right way. I think you should keep this info from people in your family who will try to "save" your son. My parents did, and explained to me who they told and who they didn't and why. I think if you talk to your son about this issue and tell him your intention is to protect him he'll understand. I think just so long as you make him a part of the decision of who to tell, after all it is his thing, he'll be fine.