What should I Do(pg ment.)

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 07-13-2005, 07:22 PM

Hi Ladies,
I have one of those sticky situations to post about today. DH and I go to a support group every month. We have gotten to know many of these people like family. Everyone there has lost a child. We gave a lot of support to another member who lost her baby back in Dec. Well, two months ago she and another woman she has befriended in the group announced that they are both pg and their due dates are a month apart. Everyone got really quiet. Finally I said congratulations, and went on to the next topic. I hoped they would get the hint. Well this month the one woman who lost her baby in Dec. came to the group and proceeded to tell us all about her baby. Is it me or does anyone else besides me and DH think this was inappropriate? DH and I got up and left after about 20 minutes of her going on and on. Other people tried to interrupt but, she would take the floor again. When I got pg the second time, we didn't share the news with the group. We didn't want to upset any of the couples in the group who were in the midst of their grief. I need advice on this one Ladies. I want to say something to the group leaders and ask them to speak to her and refer her to a PALS group (pg after loss support). We do you all think?

aimye · 07-13-2005, 07:34 PM

I would speak to the group leader. And explain that you & your dh are not comfortable with her "baby" talk and you are sure others feel the same way.

LaurAnnHere · 07-13-2005, 07:58 PM

I'm surprised the group leaders have not done this already. These women feel really comfortable in the group, obviously, and sees you guys as good friends and wants to share their joy. Even so I can not believe how insensitive they are being. Most women who have lost a baby are more concious of others feelings. I do think you should approach the group leaders about it. Perhaps it would help if you talked to some other members of the group and got their input, too.

kwannabee · 07-13-2005, 09:40 PM

Well, this is hard...i guess i see it from both sides. When you are preg again after suffering a loss you either have to decide to be super cautious and not get your hopes up, or insanely deleriously happy and gush to anyone who will listen...i think its an individual thing.... some people can be somewhere in the middle. Either way its a coping skill cuz you never stop thinking of the baby/ies you lost. I know for me i have such a hard time letting go of the preg loss board cuz there will never come a day where i dont think of my girls and there is a tremendous bond i have here...its impossible to give that up even though i expect another baby. And i'm sure thats what these women are feeling...theyve relied on this group through the worst moments of thier life...its hard to contemplate letting them go. But at least here...(where there is a bit of a babyboom honestly

)...there is a built in escape route for cysters who arent feeling strong enough emotionally...basically they dont have to read the post if they arent up to it...but in a group of 'live' people its not like you can say face to face okay i cant handle you right now stop talking!

(i know for me i had to shut SC down quite often myself at times so i remember well that being sensitive is really important) i know i try...TRY to remember to shut off my ticker if i think someone is having a particularly hard time or depending on the thread...or give a warning so people can choose or at least have a heads up about it so it doesnt slam them...

however having said that when youre face to face in a crowd of people meeting 'specifically' for support and greif councelling and your faced with someone thats constantly gushing over a preg that does nothing but put salt in your open wounds...yeh thats hard. I think the leaders should step in but also these women see you all as her friends too...and its hard to step in to a whole new 'clubhouse' kwim???? I think its an issue of tact honestly...So maybe suggesting another support group for them would be a good idea so they can 'gush' where its appropriate...but still feel connected to those they've bonded with while grieving their baby. That way for the couples still actively grieving, dealing with the feeling of being ultimatly happy for someone but sad for yourself...okay they'll still have to deal with that emotional tug of war which is reeeeeeally hard but at least its a little less 'in their face
Anyway those are just my thoughts...for whatever theyre worth. I think i'm starting to ramble

anyway its a touchy subject so i wish you luck whatever you decide...

hope i didnt offend anyone...

SheriKCMO · 07-13-2005, 11:26 PM

I totally agree with talking to the leader. I only divulged my pregnancy with Duncan to the support group here when it was visibly obvious. I had a chance to tell the counsellor one-on-one at about eight weeks, so she knew. I never went on and on, and there were times when I was asked questions about how hard it is and such. The meeting with the topic "when to try again" was particularly complex. Two of the couples were pg again but not telling, and I was sticking out three feet in front of me with Jumbo Boy. I kept most of my baby talk to the subject of how the pregnancy effected my grief. People who were not terribly fresh in their loss wanted to know more, so I talked with them after group. It worked out well, I'm pretty sure.

There's a difference between "giving everyone some hope" by sharing the good news vs. bringing everyone down or raising anxiety levels by making the new baby the central subject rather than the feelings of loss of the previous baby. Delicate, for sure. I don't know about this gal, but I still need to go to our group. It's the only IRL place I feel normal.

Mich831 · 07-13-2005, 11:57 PM

I agree with what everyone has said. I think you should talk to the group leader and maybe he/she can speak to them one on one. So they won't feel bad about talking about their PG but also keeping in mind that others are still grieving for their babies that they lost.

I am sorry you're going through this.

Michele

Mazie · 07-14-2005, 03:23 AM

I think it's totally inappropriate and I would have left like you and your dh did. I think you should speak with the group leaders.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 07-14-2005, 06:22 PM

Thanks so much for your posts. I think I will ask the group leaders to speak to her.