what were friends/families responces

Lisa2008 · 07-14-2003, 02:44 PM

i am new to this section, my husband and i have decided to start the adoption process. we feel so relieved to have come to this decision. i was wondering, at which point in the adoption process did you start to tell peop;e you are adopting? what was the typical reaaction?
We have already told most of our family, and have had amazing reactiond from most everyone........exept andrews dad. he has ben trying to talk us out of our decision. it got pretty ugly for a bit as i felt unable to hold my tounge. i am now afraid that i may have started a bit of a family fight.
just wondering how everyone deald with these kind of people.

by the way, we have decided to apply through the foster to adopt program, we will be attending the adoption orientation on august 6. i am so exited. we have decided we would be able to accept any race of child up to age 2 with some special needs.

thanks for your input ladies, i just love coming here, and have always felt welcome, you are all awsome!!!! lisa

websissy · 07-14-2003, 03:03 PM

I don't think there's any reason not to tell people that you've made a decision to adopt, however it may be helpful to get a little more information to help you deal with the ugly naysayers. A lot of adoption books help you to deal with your feelings and suggestions on how to handle obstacles along the way.

I've only had one negative comment since my DH and I started our adoption planning. In hindsight, I probably should have just said to her, "well, that's your opinion, not mine - I'm sorry that you feel that way". It's not worth the energy & stress of trying to argue your point with people who have opposing views when it comes to adoption (my opinion).

Best wishes in your journey

Lisa67 · 07-14-2003, 05:51 PM

We have gotten 99.9999% positive responses from everyone! Most of our negative comments have come from my BIL and a few others who feel the need to question our choice to adopt from China and not "one of our own". They've since come to realize that our daughter is "one of our own"!!

As for those naysayers....as you head into your adoption classes you will most likely be given info on how to deal with people. In addition, check out the web & bookstore/library for some great reading on how to handle issues like this.

We told everyone we were adopting after we went to various informational meetings and knew which way we were heading. My sister, mom, and close friend Patty (who will be Lilly's Godmother!) have known everything from the start....from frustrations with TTC down to our wait, wait, wait for Lilly!

Good luck! Hope everything goes well when you start your process!!

dna · 07-14-2003, 05:58 PM

Lisa

We have gotten mostly all positive responses from people, sometimes I think family just needs a little time to get used to the idea. I mean it is a REALLY big adjustment for most families...We are fortunate to have adoption in our family already so we got more acceptance than we even thought possible...
And now our wee doll is here and people cannot get enough of him !

I find there is a GIANT difference between talking about it and then actually having the baby here... Its amazing what a toothless grin can do to peoples hearts and minds

Good luck
and be strong in your decision...it is yours and yours alone...
Amy

ScrapbookChick · 07-14-2003, 11:59 PM

Believe it or not, your FIL might be trying to "protect" you or your DH from adoption "pitfalls". Some family members (very poorly) frame their objections over THEIR fears about you getting your hearts broken. Not that it makes his comments right, but family seems to be able to insert foot in mouth like no one else, right?

I think the thing that was hardest for me was we were so EXCITED to be adopting. But it wasn't like getting to announce a pregnancy, in that most people KNOW what goes on with a PG. There isn't 1001 (often rude) questions to go along with the announcement. But my advice is to keep smiling and don't let what anyone says deter the fact that YOU ARE EXPECTING A CHILD NOW!

If you think it might help, don't talk too much about the process unless you know the person is supportive and won't demand information you don't even have.

My grandmother was especially resistant to the idea of our interacial/International adoption. She asked me point blank why I'd want "one of those children when you didn't even try for a healthy white baby." I told myself it was her generation and actually her right to have that opinion, but still it strained our relationship for many months, and I was emotionally devistated. Since she mostly raised me and I never imagined her not being happy about my children. Well, soon as I had that first referral picture in hand and sent to her, what dna said is SO true. Guess who at 84 years old flew 2,000 miles to come visit my two babies? Yep. Guess who could care less what I have to say on the phone now if she can hear even a squeak from one of my kids? LOL. She's more in love with my kids than any of her other grand or great-grandkids, and you would never think those early comments had ever been made!

Once your child has arrived and all the doubts and fears are erased, hopefully your FIL will be so busy playing with his grandchild that he'll even "forget" he was adopted.

(And I've only told online friends at this point we're even gathering documents for another adoption. I'm sooooo not going to tell our families until we've practically got the baby home, or better yet, they hear a third child in the back ground. Well, OK, at least until it's well into the case, and I can spare myself "When is the baby coming home" asked several times per conversation no matter WHAT my answer is.)

Lisa75 · 07-17-2003, 11:24 AM

Hi Lisa,

We told people right away that we were planning on adopting. I couldn't hold it in. Everyone was very supportive. The only thing negative I can ever remember hearing was from my MIL to my husband she said to him, you have to remember that this is forever. I never did understand her reason for saying that. But of coarse I never understand her reason for saying ANYTHING she says, she's just one of those people that make NO sense and is full of opinions...... (and MEAN most of the time)

Congrats on your decision to adopt.

I seen the most beautiful babies in the mall the other day. They were so tiny, about the size of my 3 month old. The lady whom I thought was grandma was playing with one of them at the table as I was waiting on my husband to get out of the restroom. I said oh you have twins? She said yeah, so I got up to go look at them more closely. One had dark hair with light eyes and the other was just the opposite. Very precious little girls. She said yeah you would be surprised as the birth parents bla bla bla, i tuned the rest out because my ear caught "birth parents". I said oh you adopted? She said no they are my foster children, she said they will be put up for adoption tho. Of coarse I told her my story and she was in glow and then she went on to tell me that they were 6 months old and born very tiny. One had a hole in her heart but was doing better each day because it was closing up.
All I could think about was those babies and them being in foster care. They were so precious. I just had to share that story about those precious little girls. I pray they get a loving home soon with parents that will spoil them ROTTEN!! hehe

Good luck on your journey.

Lisa75

Lisa2008 · 07-17-2003, 11:51 PM

thank you all for your advice. i dont think i will let what fil said bother me, , i just needed to vent a little. and i am so happy and exited about our choice that nothing could get me down about it. sometimes latley i have been lying in bed just thinking about the precious little soul out there that i will be mommy to.

we recieved the self home study package, as well as all the other paper work that is required. i dont want to rush through it too much. we have also been given a few options of dates of the parenting classes. we are planning to attend the one on the first weekend of august, it is three days long. our references have recieved their packages al well. things seem to be progressing!

thanks a million ladies, and good luck! you are all amazing women

Sari · 07-18-2003, 09:33 AM

I have mentioned to a few people that we are thinking of adopting, and the main thing is I'm "too young."

Lisa2008 · 07-18-2003, 08:53 PM

who said you are too young ? depending on the method you choose it may be a long process and then you would not be so young.

Sari · 07-18-2003, 11:15 PM

My sister, my aunts...just about everyone in my family that I talk to about having children. The funny thing is that DH's family and especially friends are continuously asking when we are having a baby...