I know I haven't been on here a lot, not as much as I used to, but I know a lot of you and knew that you all would be the only one's to understand. I couldn't share this with anyone irl.
Last night I was holding Emma, and for some reason I had a sense of de-sh-vu(spelling is horrible). I was in my bedroom, where so many times I have cried and mourned Alex and Sydney. It just all came back to me while I was holding Emma, and the tears came. I just held Emma tighter and looked at her and said, "What would I ever do without you and Noah?" And then something slapped me in the head, and I realized that I'd do the same thing without them that I do without Alex and Sydney. Sit and cry all the time.
I am so thankful to have them, but why do I torment myself about the past? Why did I ask myself that? That was just stupid.
Sorry I don't really expect any responses I just needed to get it out.
clarissa, i totally understand. we can be happy about one child but sad about losing a different one, all at the same time. *sigh* but i'd rather be a sensitive person than to not care and not honor my daughter's memory whenever I can.
hugs to you, cyster.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
i totally understand. we can be happy about one child but sad about losing a different one, all at the same time. *sigh* but i'd rather be a sensitive person than to not care and not honor my daughter's memory whenever I can.
I'm sorry Clarissa. Just because life moves forward doesn't mean we shouldn't stop to look back and reflect. To the day I die, I will always wonder what might have been with my first 3, even if we wind up having 20 children and I never have another loss. You can be grateful for what you have and still miss what you should have had.
((hugs)). I see what you're saying. Already, I'm comparing this pregnancy to my last, and I almost feel a desperation to MAKE it work this time, even though most of it is out of my hands.
I don't want to forget them, I just don't understand why I insist on dwelling on them. I love all my children and I always will, it just slapped me in the face when I said that.
Clarissa, don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, it's only natural. I feel so blessed finally but barely a day goes by when i don't wonder what my "3 year old" might have been like and my other 2 babies too. I just thank God I finally have my Ruby, my other 3 babies will always be in my thoughts.
Take Care,
Jacqueline
__________________ Me 35, John 45
Diagnosed W/PCOS 1989
TTC Since 1997
1st took Metformin Jan 2002, 3 miscarriages between 20/4/02 & 25/5/04 (All before 8 weeks).
What would I do (children mentioned) 
