What would you do?

precblue · 04-12-2004, 04:05 PM

Many of you know our family history but I will explain for those who don't.

We have a 20 month old son, Max brought to us through adoption. Then we have a 5 month old daughter, Mia who was a big surprise

I'm feeling the itch again. I'm ready for number 3. I don't want number 3 here tomorrow. But there's cooking time involved, etc.

Anyway, I'm losing my job at the end of the year (supposedly) which is great news because I was ready to retire this past January but my job called me back and begged and I fell for it. Anyway that's a long story.

So I'm really torn about a couple of things.

Do we adopt next or since we now know I can get pregnant do we try that?

Some of my concerns:
1.) If we adopt, I would like to adopt an african american child, hispanic, anything other than what we have. (Son is bi-racial and daughter is caucasion). But that's not set in stone either. I just don't want any of our kids to ever feel like they are out numbered. Getting pregnant would be adding another caucasion child and could hurt my son's feelings later in life.

2.) If we adopt, we would likely get a child by the end of the year. Our homestudy is still good for a few more months and are agency is in desperate need of families for infants of minorities. However, that would interfere with my job. If we got pregnant we would have a child (maybe) sometime next year, just depending on how long it would take to get pregnant. Hey, I may never get pregnant. We would not try infertility treatments it would just be a wait and see kind of thing.

3.) If we adopt, we would have to buy a bigger house. We have a 3 bedroom home and I believe our agency will require that each child has their own bedroom. And we decided to wait another year or two on buying a new house because we are able to pay off a bunch of debt if we stay in our current house.

4.) If we get pregnant, well, the pregnancy was really overrated for me. I did not get into the typical pregnancy stuff. It's a lot of pain and recovery. However, I felt great during my pregnancy. My PCOS symptoms went away completely. But, being pregnant again would also mean that my husband would have to take care of the two kids alot by himself. Which he will but I just feel bad because when I was pregnant I was tired all the time and was useless when all the complications started.

5.) If we got pregnant, I would be feeding societies and family/friends mentality that "bio is better".

Or do we just scrap this whole idea of number 3 and stop at two kids. We both want a big family and we want to balance it. We want our kids to grow up all being the exact same, no matter how they came home. Am I too paranoid?

What do you all think? What would you do?

With love & hugs,
Christine

spookycyster · 04-12-2004, 04:14 PM

Hello,

I haven't a clue as to what to tell you, I just wanted to send some (((((hugs))))) your way!

You have some tough decisions to make. Perhaps you should write a "pro/con" list for each of the things you mentioned? Maybe that would help you decide what you should do?

I'm with you on the torn about whether to adopt or to ttc. We failed miserably at the whole ttc, even with two IVF cycles. Sometimes in my heart of hearts, I think that it would just be better to skip the ttc and go right back to adoption. But then I think that I'll regret not doing another IVF cycle. I've already decided that in order to do another IVF cycle, we have to live in the same area as the clinic we've used in the past, which means we would have to move. Not sure if dh is going to be able to swing that or not, so the IVF might be a moot point. Ugh. It's hard to make these decisions!

Good luck to you! I hope you figure out what's best for you and your family!

dna · 04-12-2004, 04:17 PM

Christine I hestitated at answering your post becuz of all the emotional turmoil you are experiencing and me not really knowing what to say.

I think financially (being able to pay off bills) you should wait for another child either bio or adopted.
I think I wouldnt worry about a "message" that you would be sending its all in how you educate and raise your kids and friends.
I think I would do what is in my heart and becuz you are so unsure I would wait until the answer came to me and it felt right.

I know I havent given you an answer but I also think only you can answer this question. (with a little help from hubby)

I wish you luck on this tough tough decision

{{ hugs }}
Amy

kok1922 · 04-12-2004, 07:02 PM

Hi

We were in the same boat - well, sorta -

NYC is very expensive and we own our apt. - but only a 1 bedroom. We would have to have sold our apt. because you can't adopt w/o the child having his/her own room. So, we decided to go the bio route for now, live in the small space for 1 year, and then sell for a bigger place and then we can hopefully adopt.

I think that regulations on bedrooms sorta stink. Bio parents don't have to answer to those "regulations" but adopted parents do and it's not fair.

Okay, now that I'm done with my rant...you should really check with the adoption agency because I think children of the same gender can share bedrooms up until a certain age. So, since you have a girl and a boy already, you could choose to adopt a girl or a boy and then they could share a room w/ your son or daughter. Then you wouldn't have to move. This is what the rule is in NYC.

One more thing - I really respect your idea of raising another child of color so your son Max doesn't feel left out. I think it's neat. As the previous poster said, it all depends on how your raise your children but the outside world is cruel. My good friend is African American and raised by white parents and 2 of her siblings were bio and 2 were mixed races. I think it helped that they were mutliple differences in the family.

I wish you the best of luck.

Kelly

skiboo · 04-14-2004, 09:46 PM

We are going through similar turmoil... very similar! We don't want Alex to be an only child, but don't know what route to go next ... I could have written your post! Many of your confusions are mine also...

I have no advice, but I have sympathy and (((hugs))))

Dawn in KS · 04-19-2004, 10:33 PM

Our son is AA. DH and I are cauc. . . friends and family are always asking us when we are going to get pregnant.

They look at me like I'm crazy when I say I'm not sure I want to get pregnant. Yes, the whole, being pregnant "thing" could be fun, but I really want a biracial girl. Not likely to get that from my DH. ha ha

Anyhow, we have decided that for now, we are happy just being the three of us. We still do foster parenting sometimes, but are not looking to conceive or adopt right now

I don't have any real answers for you. It's hard to always know the right thing to do, especially when you are a transracial family.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that I feel for you.

Dawn

rachelmichellek · 04-20-2004, 02:46 PM

Not really direct advice, so please don't take it as such- I'm just going to "think out loud" about your question for a bit.

It certainly would probably make a HUGE difference to Max if you brought another adopted child of ANY ethnicity into the house. Max would then have someone in family who had shared the experience of entering the family thru adoption. And I think that later in life, you adopting again would confirm for him that you and husband didn't think adoption was second best, as the adopted kids would "outnumber" the bio kids, therefore they must have been a "real" part of the plan. (I once dated someone who was adopted by his parents thinking they were infertile, then they had bio daughter, and he felt he always had to wonder about whether he was really wanted after that, since they were so relieved to have bio daughter. Not that you would treat Max that way, but my friend felt he always had to wonder.)

Or, you could have 4 kids eventually, 2 bio and 2 adopted, and then you'd have two "matching sets", in that respect! Each would have a sibling that was brought into the family the same way.

I don't think caucasian vs. non caucasian would weigh into emotions and feeling of belonging in family quite as much as adopted vs. bio, if I were Max. But that is just my take on it.

I would confirm with agency about the bedroom thing, see what they say about sharing rooms. Many agencies I have heard of DO allow room-sharing.

Also, what about adopting an older child? There are plenty of great, smart kids in the U.S. who are about to age out of the system with no family. They may even be off to college before long, or at least be semi-independent (community college from home or something), which may mean something different for you in terms of bedroom assignments, budgeting/raising/educating, etc. And, older kids can babysit and be given chores!

I'm sure you'll mull everything over thoroughly. You seem like a very thoughtful person. But mostly I would say I would vote go for adopting again, and maybe later see if TTCing doesn't just happen on it's own again, for you. Who knows?

DolciLady · 04-21-2004, 06:38 PM

Why can't you actively pursue another adoption (but go at the paperchase at a slower pace which gives you the time and some financial cushioning along the way) while not preventing a natural pregnancy, should it occur? Maybe the answer will just present itself. That's my favorite way to handle things...let them pretty much handle themselves. hehe

In other words, give each option a very gentle nudge and see which way the ball rolls. I personally would shoot for the adoption because it's a sure thing and you know you want another child. And the pregnancy may take its own sweet time (or not). Since I myself can't count on keeping a pregnancy, I lean towards the adoption and then Mother Nature can do whatever she pleases, kind of as an afterthought.

Best of luck!
Robin