what is wrong with me?

scarletakb · 12-06-2003, 11:30 PM

I don't know what is wrong with me.... I just can't find the good in anything.

My husband and I are just about to begin fostering a 15 year old boy, who is a sex offender. I've agreed to do this for my husbands sake... and for the sake of the child... but, I am dreading it. I hate change... I'm selfish... I'm afraid this child will ruin my marriage... I don't see that god will bless us for this..... because whenever I've made a decision for change in my life.. I've been cursed rather than blessed.

If I hear one more person telling me what a "wonderful person I must be to take on this child" I'm going to vomit! You see.. everytime someone tells me this, I'm convicted of my own thoughts about NOT wanting to do this. They wouldn't think I was soo wonderful if they knew how much I want to back out.. and how much I am dreading it.. and if I was a good person, I'd do it out of love... but I just don't want this... I don't care if this is God's plan for me.. I don't want to do it.. And, if God truly wants me to do this for him.. why hasn't he given me a heart for it?

I absolutely HATE myself for not wanting this child. My husband is this wonderful, loving person who is always thinking of others over himself.. and standing next to him with my doubts about this situation just makes me hate the person I am even more...

Why isn't there love and kindness in my heart? I've accepted Jesus almost 8 years ago... I pray to him about these things.. I study my bible... and yet, why can't I love and want this child? and why can't I feel happiness about this child coming into my lives? and why do I see this as punishment rather than a blessing? why does god want me to have a 15 year old sex offender rather that the baby that EVERYONE else gets?

What is wrong with me?

oohmercyme · 12-08-2003, 10:31 PM

Oh hun- there is nothing wrong with you at all. You are taking on a very difficult challenge and its bound to raise some questions and issues. I worked with teen sex offenders for 6 years and, girl, it is hard work! I admire people willing to take on that challenge.

Quote:

Originally posted by scarletakb
because whenever I've made a decision for change in my life.. I've been cursed rather than blessed.

why does god want me to have a 15 year old sex offender rather that the baby that EVERYONE else gets?

Maybe you implied this in your post, but have you been praying about this? I mean, did you and DH pray for guidance on this before it started? And now that it is in motion, have you been praying for God to make your desires in line with HIS desires? And that even though you cannot see how God could possibly bless you in this, are you asking Him to reveal it to you or give you the patience and courage to stand firm until you can see his plan.

I just noted that you wrote "when I make a decision for change. Speaking from personal experience, when I have made a decision for change in my life, it always turns out a HUGE mess. When I pray for guidance and follow God's plan for my life, somehow, though the road my be rough, it turns out for my good.

You also mentioned something that must burden your heart, why a 15 year old and not a baby? (I don't know if you have kids or not, but perhaps a having a baby is the desire of your heart). God has called you and DH to a great challenge. Loving a 15 year old stranger is not easy, loving a 15 year old sex offender seems almost insurmountable. It reminds me of the passage where Jesus says even the pagans love those who love them, now loving the unlovable, that takes effort.

Sister- you are asking yourself a lot of hard questions that will require much soul searching and prayer, but you know that in ALL things, God will work it out to YOUR good and HIS glory. Asking questions or having doubts doesn't make you a bad person or bad Christian, just human, and God knows how weak we are! I will keep you and DH in prayer and pray for God's will and blessing.

Feel free to IM or email me.

Blessings!