Hi all - I don't know where else to turn...maybe b/c you all share some of the same feelings you can help me??
It started so long ago. When I was younger (and stupid) I went thru some tough times. I made a couple of decisions that I have regretted ever since (abortions). I finally got my act together and met my husband (ex-now). We got married. I was diagnosed with PCOS right away but didn't know much about it. The dr told me to loose weight. My H and I never used protection. We went for 10 years trying. We didn't go thru tests or anything, just didn't prevent it. One morning I woke up and took, yet another, pg test...low and behold - I was pregnant. Late in my 5th month, I woke up one morning to go potty and my water broke. I went to see the Dr. He did and exam and said I looked fine and maybe it was urine. 2 days later I told him I wasn't good so he finally sent me for a sonogram. They realized that all the fluid was gone and I was going to loose the baby...there was nothing they could do. Then next day I was in real pain...got in the shower to go to the hospital...sat on the potty to pee and lost the baby there. It was aweful...called ambulance...passed out....at hospital Dr tried to get all out himself....awake.....no drugs....lots of pain....on the same ward with new babies crying....next day more placenta.....D&C....woke up from surgery choking while they pulled out tube....stayed in hosp for 4 day b/c of fever....came home....moved back to Tallahassee....next month, new Dr....more placenta.....another D&C....bad times.....Dr everyday b/c I thought I was dying....2 months later mom was diagnosed with lung cancer....then liver....she was given 6 months to live....moved out of H's house to go to mom....lost her 1 month later....went home tried to work it out with H.....seperated.....got divorced.....moved back to WPB.
I blame myself for loosing my son....I know God wasn't punishing me- I think I am punishing myself....
To try to shorten this story....I met a guy...we started a relationship....that was 3 years ago....I love him and he loves me but NEVER wants to get married. I don't know what I want.
I don't think I ever got over my losses and I don't know what to do. All I do is cry...not knowing what I want out of life. I feel like I am floating along....I am soooo lost.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain. It is not your fault that you lost your son. If it was anyones fault it sounds like it was your doctors. You carried that little angel as long as you could. God loves us no matter what mistakes we have made. You must love yourself the way God loves you. It is hard to look back to the past and see all of the mistakes we make. I have done many things I wish I could change, but I can't. You can't change your mistake either. Everyone has done things when they were younger(and stupid) that they wish they didn't. You must look toward the future and forget the pain of the past. I'm not telling you to forget your son. You need to remember him in love. He would not want his mommy to be sad and blame herself. Maybe you can start helping others, sometimes that helps to overcome the pain. You can become a counsellor at a pg center, rock babies in the NICU, or work at a women shelter. Anything to remove yourself from the pain and think about others. I have a friend who lost a baby at 7 mths. She was a helper at several organizations for women and children. It helped her, maybe it can help you. I will be praying for you. Stay strong. If you ever need to talk just PM me.
Shay
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i wish i could come up with the right words of comfort for you. the closest i can come is that i am so very sorry for your loss and for the sorrow you are feeling. i know there is a great big hole in you heart. i think that you are struggling hard to work through this, maybe a counselor could help you sort through you feelings...a minister if you are of the religious mind. even though you consciencely know you are not at fault, i think that subconsciencely you think you are. while you are feeling like that, it might be hard to get on with life. you deserve to have a happy and healthy life. to be able to let go and enjoy the rest of it. good luck to you sweetie. let us know how you are doing. we care. Hugs, Lendi
__________________ It's ok to cry if you're sad. Tears are God's little safety valve.
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I booboo'd - I replied to you guys but as a new post - sorry
It's under Thanks soo much!!
Good morning....
Thank you both so much. Believe it or not - I think by writing out my feelings - it helped a little.
Shay - Thank you - I am going to look into organizations - to help others.... I'd like to PM you - just to let you know some of the clarity that came from reading your reply - THANK YOU!!
Lendi - Thanks to you also. Just knowing that people care is such a comfort in itself....THANK YOU!!!
Roses- How are you doing? I have wondering about you. I hope everything is better. PM me anytime if you need to talk. I'm always willing to help out a cyster.
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What is wrong with me? I need help! (long) 
