First, I want to say that I LOVE my mom. She was incredibly supportive when things went downhill with my pregnancy, and she's one of the few people who will talk about Rivi with me. I honestly believe that he held on to life until she could be with me at the hospital. Even Rivi knew how supportive she was. Which is why I don't GET this!
I told her a few weeks ago that I was spending Mother's Day in bed. That I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. That I TRIED to buy her a Mother's Day card, but I lost it in the store and just couldn't, so she wasn't getting anything this year. Sorry, but I just can't cope with all of the happiness crap. And she seemed fine with that.
Yesterday, though, she called me and asked where we're going for dinner on Mother's Day. I reminded her of what I'd said, and she started in on this rant (basically): "You're a mother, too, and Russell should take us out for Mother's Day. It's your day, and you shouldn't have to hide in your apartment instead of celebrating it. I think we should go to Cheesecake Factory (with a two-hour wait, no reservations), and hang out in Borders until our table's ready." Deep breath, then I said that I wasn't in the mood to watch the other mothers with their kids on a day when Rivi should have been here. She said, "It's Mother's Day, and I don't want to stay home." Hello? I have two sisters and a brother. Granted, they all live a distance away, but my Mom has a house in the same town that my sister lives in. Why can't she go there and be fawned over? Suddenly, her reasoning turned from me (you deserve to be recognized as a mother) to HER (I want to be taken out to dinner).
I was in tears all night last night. I'm dreading the freaking day already, and now I need to go see all of the babies that didn't die? Hubby even tried to talk her out of it (which surprised me because we've barely been speaking). He told her that I was crying just thinking about the dinner, and she steamrolled right over him, too. What the hell happened to my supportive mother?
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Aww, geez.. the LAST thing you need is for your mother to start adding to your pain. I'm sorry.
Since your mom is normally very supportive, I'm guessing that she probably just doesn't want to spend the day alone. I may be projecting here, since that's how *I* feel, but she's in pain too and doesn't want to spend the day alone, thinking about what happened to Rivi. I'm not saying that you should be guilted into going out to dinner. DEFINITELY stand your ground on not going out. She should find someone else to hang out with that day.
*hugs*
__________________ Adrianne 31, DH 44 - married 6/01 - 2 DSDs (13 & 15)
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I'm so sorry Viv,
But, I think you should stick to your guns and stay at home. Right now you have to take care of Viv. Most of us get caught in this trap of trying to make those around us feel better, while making ourselves feel worse. Yes, it is Mother's Day, and yes you are a Mother, so you deserve to spend it however you chose. I'm sure your Mom has been out to Mother's Day dinner many times, so she skips this year what's the big deal. A true Mom looks after her child no matter how old. I would politely suggest she visit with one of her other children on Sunday, and tell her that I won't be available. Then, I would stay at home and take care of me, and not worry about what anybody else thinks.
I'll be thinking of you Viv,
Gina
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
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"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
Just Hugs! I don't know how to handle this one... could you offer to bring dinner over and hang out at the house? I hope the whole thing turns out better than you expect... maybe it'll happen to be one of your good days that day. I've surprised myself many times that way.
Good luck!! (((Viv)))
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
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Sometimes Mom doesn't always know best. I think she's being a little selfish, but I think she probably also worries about you. Perhaps she finds the idea of you staying in bed all day being miserable very sad. Perhaps she turned the conversation to her needs instead of your because she thought you'd be more responsive to that. My grandmother (who adopted me) would do that sort of thing all the time. "Do it for me." She's not in your shoes and has no way of knowing how your feeling right now. It is probably hard for her to watch you suffer. You are her baby. She may be trying to help you in her own way.
I don't think you should do anything you don't feel like doing. I hope she doesn't continue to put so much pressure on you.
I too have two sisters who can pamper my mom. But do you think that will happen this year, no. They both came over and the oldest asked out loud what we were gonna do for Mother's Day. And of course all eyes are on me...because i am usually the planner in our group. I looked back at them and just sat there in silence. So we shall see what my two older sisters come up with.
Viv, i completely understand about the Mother's Day card thing. I went looking for my mom while waiting for a prescription to be filled, and i got so emotional...i had a lump in my throat and the next thing i knew, tears were welling up in my eyes. I'm sure my mom will understand if she doesn't get one this year. If she doesn't, oh well....I HAVE to put me first, if for only this year.
So this is my resolve, I am not doing anything I don't want to do this year. Let them (dh and sisters) worry about Mother's day, and if they mess it up...oh well. I already know not to expect anything from my family...and that's just sad.
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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I didn't even metion Mother's day to my mom or DH's. We normaly go to dinner with my family then bring flowers to his mom. Not this yr. I am staying in bed most of the day. (I will have to get up to see our house guests off as they are staying here the weekend and gunna leave on Sunday). Other than that I plan on staying in bed. It's just too bad if MIL or my mom can't understand this. Last yr I was pg for mother's day and my mom and aunt thought of my and bought me mother~to~be morther's day cards and some gift's. This yr I don't even have that baby (or the next pg. that I lost in Feb). I am both sad and mad. This is also the month I lost my 1st. THe 26th is going to be VERY hard on me.
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I'm so sorry Roxie, I am in the same boat, I was pg last Mother's day and I was so excited about being a Mom this year. I lost my first baby in June '04 and my second in Feb. '05. I'm trying to get out of working on Sunday.
I'll be thinking of you (((((hugs)))))
Gina
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
I was pregnant last Mother's Day, but I didn't know it. Funny, even when I walked across the stage to get my diploma, Rivi was a little hitchhiker I didn't know about yet.
I was very depressed last Mother's Day and didn't want to be alive. Little did I know, things were brewing with my little egg on the inside... the one that would become Duncan soon after that.
But I actually sobbed in the greeting card aisle trying to buy cards for our moms. I'm sure they wouldn't want us to go through that, so I think I just grabbed two random ones and ran out of there as soon as I could. I hate what I look like when I cry, too, so I was really embarrassed. Oh well. If losing a baby isn't enough to get upset about, I can't think of a single thing that is.
Viv,
I agree that your mom might be trying in her own wacky way to make things better for you... you know, "Chin up, it's not so bad!" That sort of thing. ugh
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
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That's a sad situation to be in, honey. I think from what you've said that she isn't really trying to hurt you or ignore what you are saying - there's a lot of emotion there, clearly. She'd like some recognition on Mother's Day (fair enough) and she is also grieving - for you, for your baby. Everyone handles grief differently. I'm afraid I am more like her, actually - stay busy, go out, get distractions of some kind. Maybe that's her style of coping, but she'd like to be with you, also (mother's instinct there - and why she's focusing on you not your sibs!) I remember when I had my first m/c my Mom sent me a quilt she'd made that I'd admired long ago. Really, it's an odd response - I mean, after all, every time I look at the quilt (which is daily, b/c we sleep under it - very warm) I am reminded of both the m/c AND my mother's love for me!!! such conflict. Always these emotional things -esp those involving our mothers - are so darned complicated. So, here's what I wonder - I know you are grieving because believe me, I am too (in the process of m/c #2 this mother's day) but I wonder is there some way you could include her in your stay at home and grieve plans? Give her a chance to mother you a bit? Maybe even just ordering pizza and watching some favorite movies together instead of going out would help you both. One thing that I think we have to fight with grief is this desire to retreat from the world - it's natural, but at the same time, it cuts us off from the love that's there waiting for us. Having said that, I haven't told my Mom about m/c #2 yet because I can't face her response - just knowing that she loves me and it will make her sad makes me sad!!!!! so, call me a big fat hypocrite. Heck, I had a hard time telling my boss but I had to (she started to cry - she was with me during the first one, too.) Sheesh. People. There is no right way to handle any of this, is there. Also, I have to say I agree with your Mom on one count - you ARE a mom.
__________________ Belle
me-32, DH-340
SS - 16, SD - 14 (OSS, died at age 19 in 2001)
dx'd March 2003
pg June '03 (naturally)
m/c (d&c) Sept '03
clomid 1st cycle 50 mg
quit fertility rx
pg March '05
u/s 4/26/05 showed no fetal heartbeat
d&c May 13 2005
pos pg test July 4 2006 (6 wks)
fingers crossed!
What is wrong with my mother? 
