When to accept that you aren't and can't be pregnant...

ReneeBeth · 09-14-2005, 03:14 AM

Hard to explain.
I have this little voice in me saying "you better go check and see if you're pregnant".
I'm not sure why. I was on BCP last month, stopped it and soon after (or was it right before?) my bleeding from my last loss finally stopped. So I have no idea what my body is doing, cycle/hormone wise. I've heard rumors that sometimes right when you stop BCP, if it was at a certain point in your cycle, you can O and get pg easier than usual (for that cycle, at least). I don't know.
I guess for me, both times I got pregnant were at the least expected and worst times. First time I found out I was pg about a week after my then husband got fired. Bad timing. 2nd time I found out I was pg was soon after I found out my hubby was leaving me/cheating on me, and I wasn't trying to get pg, and only had sex once since my first loss and didn't even remember that one time.
So here I sit again, wondering if the pattern will repeat and I'll end up pregnant. Now when my bf isn't on the best of terms, or any terms, with me. Not sure if he's just busy there, or mad at me and not going to have anything to do with me anymore. It would be my luck to get pregnant at a very...bad time. Not that I'd be sad or regretting it, but still..timing with me is just always bad.
I don't think I am, but this part of me wishes I was. Now I know to be more aggressive, I know to find an OB to listen to me, and do what HAS TO BE DONE. Don't take NO for an answer anymore. I got rid of the horrible husband I had. No more stress and hell from him. I'm confident that next time I get pg, I will, at the very least, feel good knowing I'll have EVERYTHING done to make sure the baby has a chance.

I've just been going nutso lately. Today I went to Dr. (he's a sleep Dr., insomnia specialist, but is also the Asst. Professor of Psychology where I go). So he's a good/reliable Dr., very knowledgeable and trustworthy. Anyway, I've been so off lately. Aggressive, mean, short-tempered, crying a lot, easily over-reacting and very...just everything. I had some blackouts, I ended up driving around for an hour not knowing where I was trying to go, then not remembering how to get there (keep in mind where I was going was 5-10min away, to a hospital I've been to 100x's this year). So I thought I was going crazy, having a breakdown...something.
I finally made it to the Dr., told him why I was late and what was going on. Thankfully, the Paxil, mirepex (which is dopamine) and my well-hidden manic-depression didn't mix. The mix of Paxil and mirepex made my manic side (which I haven't seen since I was a teen) come out with full-force. Plus the bad sleep, and I was just a mess!
So I got taken off the mirepex, my paxil is going down to 20mg, and over the next 4 months I'll be fully weaned off the Paxil (THANK YOU!.. No more sexual side effects!)...and I'm now on Klonopin. He says the Klonopin should be perfect for me. It helps with sleep, panic/anxiety, and restless leg! The restless leg problem went away with the mirepex, and the paxil was controling the panic. So hopefully the Klonopin alone will do the job of many!
But I have to see him weekly for awhile. There's a chance I'm going into a manic-episode, in which case I'll be in for a long roller-coaster ride.

Now, this is all another reason I had weird feeling 'uh oh, am I pregnant?'. The only time my anxiety/depressed gets funky anymore is when I'm pregnant. But, I'm not pregnant. I can't be. I was on BCP, bleeding half the time (spotting) while I was with BF, and I just can't be because my PCOS isn't under control, and I don't O without clomid or met/avandia!

But still. That little voice in me is being a jerk. I'm not sure what I'll do. I don't want to get tested and find a negative. No thanks. I'd be happier sitting here for a month or two waiting for AF, and after a few months, THEN I'll get tested

Even if I don't get AF for months, it's prolly just cuz of the PCOS.

I'm sorry for going on. I'm still in wired mode right now. my mind is racing, I'm all jittery and moving/thinking/talking all fast. Weird thing is, even with being wired, I'm still tired. But I can't sleep. Took the Klonopin 2+ hours ago, and I'm not even sleepy...I'm just pooped tired.

I'll shut up now.
*sigh* I really hate where my life is right now, where I am right now. I hope things change soon.

~Traci~ · 09-14-2005, 11:35 AM

{{{{HUGS}}}}

I would definately test b/c I Klonopin is not a drug that should be taken while pg or breastfeeding which means that you should not get pg or even TTC while taking it.

I hope everything works out w/ your b/f & you're feeling better soon,
Traci

VivC · 09-14-2005, 03:40 PM

I agree that you need to test, Renee. Hopefully, you're feeling wired/anxious because of the medication, and you'll come down soon.

((hugs)),

Viv

Aprile78 · 09-14-2005, 05:30 PM

I feel that way..........it's been a year and a half (actually longer) since my m/c and I've not been on anything......except Met. I'm coming to realize it's just not meant to happen and that I need to focus on my DD that I do have and cherish every moment with her.

GabrielsMom · 09-14-2005, 05:34 PM

I agree with Traci. If there is a possibility that you are pg, you really need to test. I read the warnings on the ativan that I am taking, which is the same class of drugs as the klonipin. They can cause birth defects, so you should find out about a pg as soon as you can find out.

ReneeBeth · 09-14-2005, 06:28 PM

Went to Primary care Dr. today. Nope, not pg. Didn't think I was, but because of the Klonopin I had to be responsible and make sure. Thankfully, the Dr. agreed that while I was not on any meds to help my PCOS, I really don't need to worry about getting pg. Of all the testing and such I've had done over the years, never once did I show ANY evidence of Oing on my own..ever. Clomid and Avandia made me O, and most likely when taking one of those is the only time in my life I have ever O'd. So she was fine with me not going on BCP since the last thing I need is to gain weight, and she understood my stand where I don't want any hormones right now. I want to give my body a hormonal break, and see what it decides to do on it's own.

I also had to have pee checked. I have blood, nitro, protein and all that bad stuff in it, but they have to send it off for a culture to see if there is bacteria. If there is no bacteria, no infection..but with the other crap there, an infection is bound to happen. I'm sick of these constant bladder infections. My mom and I see the same Urologist. So I told my mom to make us an appt with the urologist (she also needs to see her). Anyway, first appt open for us is in JANUARY! Yeah, so that sucks. Oh well!
I have an endocrinologist appt tomorrow to go to. Lets see if she can do anything for me. I was also told to go see a rheumitologist. Guess I have to call up and find a new one who is decent. My ferritin and iron are still low, I have an appt in end of October to go back to my primary care Dr, and have those levels all checked again and such.

Yeah. I'm too tired to get out of bed everyday, I can't sleep at night, my bladder/pee hole hate me, my uterus doesn't do what it should, my knee/hips/back are punishing me to no end...I'm just seriously sick of all of this. SICK OF IT!

And yes. I have no idea if I'll ever hear from Nick again. I have no idea why he hasn't had any contact with me for a few days now. He could be sick, he could be busy with work and such, or just have no desire to have anything to do with me. Honestly, I just want to know which it is so I don't sit here driving myself crazy wondering what the hell is going on

If anyone wants to try and contact Nick for me, go right ahead

I honestly don't know if he's avoiding me for now (or for good) or it's nothing personal and he's just sick/busy or something.

*sigh*

And closing in on the 1 year mark for losing Daniel...and I honestly feel my life is no better now than it was then.